So you guys remember my sexy barber, right?
Well, let's call him Frank.
So he actually isn’t much of a text person. He calls – too much of it being a turnoff for me by the way.
So during one of our phone conversations, he told me how gay sex is not new to him since he used to boink his roommate back in his hostel in Cyprus when he had no girlfriend and was "tired of choking his monkey". Yes, we were talking sex now. He also told me that his main job was at ACME Oil and Gas, as a civil engineer. When he returned to Nigeria from Cyprus, he tried to get married but none of the girls he met could excite him, not for long anyway. His baby mama was the unfortunate (or fortunate) one who got pregnant for him and gave him a son, which made him ease off the whole marrying thing. Even though he’s admittedly sex starved, he said he isn’t so crazy about sex.
So he came to my church to pick me up, being the material girl that I am, I noticed he drove a Banz SUV, AMD Series. He also uses the Samsung Galaxy S6 edge. It’s two classes behind but it's almost forgivable. (Hey, don’t look at me like that. These things have to be noticed and documented.)
So we went to a bar, chose a quiet corner, and got talking. Frank is not a smiling man, but his voice had me battling a hard-on for hours. When he sensed that I was uncomfortable with the rather noisy bar, we left for a mall. He loves ice cream, and so do I. (Is this not meant to be?) He got big cups for the both of us, with chicken pie.
Frank has this weird way of staring into your eyes like he is reading you like a horoscope. And he gives this tiny smile, like his face has cement.
Soon we were done with the mall, and we got into the car. And much to my shock, this uncle wanted to drop me at home o. Like seriously?! So that my father will have my head, eh – unto whose car am I stepping out from? I declined.
Then he said in that his sombre tone that seemed to add some seriousness to everything he said, "Peaches, I like you, with your childlike innocence and all. I’m only surprised you’ve known about homosexuality for so long and you are what – 22?”
In my head, I was like, Uncle, I for no sabi. I for sidan for nursery two dey use pencil cleaner.
"Isn't it depressing – being gay doesn’t it depress you?" he asked.
"It has its ups and downs, and this country is not particularly helpful,” I conceded.
"Yes," was his only response.
We parted at a junction where I asked him to drop me and he gave me some cash, coupled with the takeaway parcel he got for my siblings. It wasn’t until I got home that I discovered that the money he gave me amounted to ten thousand naira.
Ten-Fucking-Thousand Naira! Just for sit-out!
Call me a gold digger, but I believe I just hit the jackpot! Hold on for my next entry. I must bleep this man, walahi!
Written by Peaches