A Reality Of PTSD

A Reality Of PTSD

Seven seconds after agreeing to his request to stay the night, I regretted it. He was a hookup, a first time meet who had agreed to come to my place. We’d had good conversation and good sex, and I was in that state of lazy contentment when he asked to stay the night, that he didn’t feel like leaving me in such a hurry. And I said OK.

Seconds later, I was regretting it. Not because he did anything. It’s just… My kito awareness had kicked in, and I had suddenly begun to imagine everything that could go wrong between nighttime and morning.

He could wake up in the middle of the night, take up my kitchen knife and stab me to death. (Has happened to someone I know)

He could wake up way earlier than me in the early hours of the morning, and steal away from my place with my valuables. (Has happened to me and countless other people I know)

I was wracked with anxiety. And he was being too nice for me to suddenly say, “Oh you know what? I’ve changed my mind. I think you should leave.” My indecision tarried until it was too late to even ask him to leave anyhow.

So I was stuck with this guy. And all my anxieties.

I decided one way to combat all these dire probabilities was to stay awake all night long. Simple enough. I mean, I’m after all a night owl. So I returned to Orange is the New Black after we had another round of sex, and as he got comfortable in bed, I got comfortable before my laptop. I watched and he slept.

11 pm.

Midnight.

1 am.

He woke up. Looked sleepily at me and asked me to come join him in bed. I smiled and told him I was still watching my show. He nodded and went back to sleep.

2 am.

A fury of yawns attacked me. My body was started to weaken from the stress of staying awake. I persevered. This is what I do all the time. How dare my body choose tonight to decide to fail me?

3 am.

I was starting to rewind scenes of OITNB, because I was nodding off and waking up and missing out on what Piper Chapman said or what Joe Kaputo did.

3.30 am.

I gave up. I was too sleepy to go on. Obviously he wasn’t going to kill me, I reasoned.

But he could still be a thief. With how exhausted I was, I could drop off into slumber and not wake up till it’s bright and morning, to discover him gone. Even in my exhaustion, I felt the cold fingers of anxiety grip me and fuel some determination through my system.

I went to the door that was bolted and turned the key as well, double-locking it. Tucked the key away in a hideout. Then I set my alarm for 5 am.

And finally, with these few precautionary measures, I yawned one last time and climbed into bed. I tucked my phone under my pillow and sighed my way into a deep sleep.

My 5 am alarm jarred me awake. My heart was already pounding with recollected dread as I leaped up in bed and turned to my side.

He was lying there next to me, still sleeping. Neither killer nor thief. Just another nice guy who’d clearly wanted our hookup to last overnight.

#Sigh

Kito has messed us up in this country sha.

Written by Pink Panther

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21 Comments

  1. Colossus
    August 16, 08:14 Reply

    It truly has messed us up, look what we have become, frightened in our own home.

  2. Malik
    August 16, 08:54 Reply

    Someone you know was stabbed with his own kitchen knife???? WTF!

    • Pink Panther
      August 16, 09:32 Reply

      Oh yes. A few years ago. Stabbed to death by a hookup he brought to his house. And not even some rando. This was someone he knew.

      • Vincent
        August 16, 09:42 Reply

        Subhanallahi! Tell me this deplorable crime was investigated and the murderer sent to jail!

      • Lyon
        August 17, 07:32 Reply

        Always a well-known person, Pinky. I was beaten up and robbed. This was all masterminded by my childhood friend.

      • Lyanna
        August 18, 22:01 Reply

        Heartwrenching. Extremely disturbing. Your friend got justice or no? No lgbt organisation in Nigeria was notified? TIERS? Wouldn’t mind full details of what transpired. A story, perhaps? Also interested in knowing the role you played in getting justice for your friend, however, little.

  3. Wizdiamond
    August 16, 10:17 Reply

    It have indeed messed us up, i cant even trust anyone even the ones i love

  4. Zoar
    August 16, 17:03 Reply

    It’s well for us in this country. This is what we’ve been reduced to. Not to mention all the drama that happens on Grindr just for sex. People will reduce you to unimaginable things.

    We’ll be alright Las Las

    On a different note, Pinky what has been going on with your handle. This minute it’s there, the next it’s looking like something that’s hacked. And the format of the Blog kinda changed before it returned to the usual. was it site maintenance, review or what?

  5. Net
    August 16, 18:32 Reply

    Sigh.

    Stopped receiving posts in my email so trying to resubscribe.

  6. Kristo
    August 16, 20:26 Reply

    I remember this one time I had a hookup with someone at my bustop… I went armed with a small knife …the guy also came with a knife too

    Really messed up

  7. KingB
    August 17, 10:01 Reply

    Wow. For the first time yesterday, I had a hook up from Grinder. Very drama free. We were both in Surulere. Met at Leisure mall and decided to hook up. He had a back pack with him and claimed he was on his way from sch. I was hella scared because I’d be taking him to a hotel room I booked. In fact , I was tempted to search the bag he hadn’t a knife, gun or juju in it. Las Las, we shagged and he went his way. God how long?

  8. J
    August 17, 10:31 Reply

    If you can trust him with your ass, why not with your properties and life? 😂😂😂

  9. Mike
    August 21, 10:30 Reply

    You probably like word play, alot. That’s not PTSD, that’s common sense, preservation instincts is the right word. He is a stranger, a first time hookup, you probably know nothing about him, other than the size of his D…. So you don’t want your kitchen wares to vanish, you don’t want to get choked at night, nor do you want to miss your wallet by morning. You’re a Nigerian, he’s a Nigerian. Welcome, well-done.

  10. KingBey
    August 28, 08:23 Reply

    Sometimes, all we want is just good sex. Lol

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