Abuja Is For Jesus!

Abuja Is For Jesus!

Some years ago in Abuja, I attended COZA. The service was going well. Good sermon, fantastic praise and worship – service was just perfect.

So it happened that when the offering basket was going round (I had tucked in a very generous amount of my money into the envelope handed to me by the usher at the church entrance), the pastor’s wife took the mic and began her hate speech.

“Abuja is for Jesus!” she screamed into the mic.

“Amen!” the congregation roared.

“Evil will not prevail in Jesus name!” she yelled.

“AMEN!!!” the congregation roared once more.

“And you lesbians – we are coming for you. We will chase you out of this city. In the name of JEEEEESSUUUUUUUSSSS!!!” she screamed, frantic in her hate.

In response, members of the congregation began hitting their bibles while simultaneously chanting, “NO! NO! NO! NO!” (A COZA traditional action whenever an abomination is mentioned).

“And where are they supposed to go?” I blurted out loudly.

The lady in front of me turned her head to look at me. The man beside me began to giggle as he muttered, “Bros, I tire o.”

Quickly spotting the usher who took my offering (she still had the basket with her), I gestured for her attention. When she drew close to me, I told her I forgot something in my envelope. I knew my envelope because I’d scribbled some bible passages on it idly.

Feeling convinced, she handed me my envelope and stood aside, waiting. I took out my very-plenty naira notes from the envelope and dropped it back empty into the basket.

“That will be all,” I said to her with a smile.

She stared at me, dumbfounded. I didn’t bother to look at her face any more. The guy beside me and the woman on my other side stared at me too with frank disbelief.

I didn’t stand to receive any blessing. I didn’t need it. And that Sunday was the last I worshipped there.

Written by Joe Alex

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17 Comments

  1. trystham
    October 08, 07:44 Reply

    Bwahahahahaha. The scales that fell off ur eyes must be iron. The noise of its falling couldn’t av shocked em more

    • Foxydevil
      October 08, 09:00 Reply

      Hope you are better at sex than humour?
      😀

      • trystham
        October 08, 09:36 Reply

        Some days are good, others are terrible. On either days, fools will still keep hating.

        • Foxydevil
          October 08, 10:02 Reply

          What a lame comeback.
          Hope your erection is harder, not that you use it anyway. 😁😁😁

  2. Malik
    October 08, 08:01 Reply

    Thank you my dia. Collect your thing. The funny thing about church offerings is that concept that it goes to God. Brethren, it goes to the Man (of God). In better places of worship maybe its used for evangelism but it never leaves this earth. It’s also not a seed. At least not in your life. Maybe in the recipient’s…

    So know why you’re giving if you’re giving and feel no ill about withdrawing your gift. Thank you.

  3. Mandy
    October 08, 08:23 Reply

    😂😂😂😂😂 She was pretty hate-specific. Lesbians? Makes you wonder what lesbian encounter she had that drove her to the microphone that morning in church.

  4. Foxydevil
    October 08, 08:57 Reply

    I really don’t understand this post, are you gasconading or what?
    Unless you are an anomaly or saxicolous ,every homosexual church goer should already be adept to the fact that Nigerian churches are highly against homosexuality.
    And since homosexuality is on the increase and more people are embracing its acceptability, the churches have taken it up as some form of cynosure in an effort to quell the demons sprouting it.
    How many offering boxes are you going to raid after dropping sizeable chunks of money ,once the topic of homosexuality is raised and the pastor proclaims damning consequences for those practicing it?

    Excogitate on what you really want or take my advice and stop going to churches all together.Because , this would certainly not be the last church the topic of homosexuality will be raised and that won’t be the last pastor’s wife that will threaten to eradicate all lesbians from a particular vicinity, how many times are you going to take back your offerings, till some church warden embarrasses you or the church security throws you out of the door.
    If you can’t take the heat, simply stay out of the kitchen or in your case don’t throw a piece of pie into the oven.
    🚶.

    • as-I-am
      October 08, 10:55 Reply

      I wonder if you even have friends; you always have a harsh opinion on all posts.

      😿👿👹😓👠🌈

  5. Canis VY Majoris
    October 08, 10:22 Reply

    😂😂😂
    The COZA in Lagos is full of rainbows too. IDK what it is about that church.

    • trystham
      October 08, 11:25 Reply

      Rainbows ehkwa??? Shey u r mistaking metrosexuality for being queer? “Hit ur bible and say ‘NO!'”

  6. Darlington
    October 08, 10:45 Reply

    😂, same thing I would have done, that’s if I will even step into a church sef, SMH…. Nonsense

  7. Law
    October 08, 11:53 Reply

    But but…. COZA is the Headquarters of the Rainbow nation now

  8. Iliana
    October 08, 21:18 Reply

    Never witnessed a sermon on homosexuality in my church(churches) tho

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