Toke Makinwa tried it before, when she offered tips on how women can tell that their man is gay. Since then, straight people on social media are forever offering these tutorials on how closeted gay men can be detected.
Now, a Twitter netizen with the handle @trendydjtimic has taken to Twitter to educate women on this same subject.
“As a woman, you need to be careful and smart enough to detect,” she tweeted, “if your husband or boyfriend is one of those gays out there.”
Yes, gays are aliens walking amongst the heterosexual human beings, taking the likeness of male humans and endangering women. And so, it is @trendydjtimic to the rescue. She has a tried and true method which she calls “8 powerful signs … to catch one of them you are in a relationship with.”
So, let’s break down these “powerful signs”, shall we? And please, I’m breaking these down for the straight woman among us. If you’re reading this, then you’re in luck.
1. Yes, gay men who are in heterosexual undercover like to do double takes when they see fine guys. But apparently, we are all self-possessed pricks who get “visibly upset” simply because someone has not paid us the compliment we believe we deserve over our physical appearance, whether we’re gorgeous or not.
2. Never mind the gay Christians who are everywhere in church. The choristers. The pastors. The ushers. Even the congregants. Gay people simply cannot be involved in the things of God. The gay Christian doesn’t exist. That is just a myth. Either gay men are just not about that Christian life or they’re in it to be the leaders of the Men’s Ministry of Prayer Warriors or the Guys’ Division of the Youth Association.
3. Seeing as it’s Harmattan, if your man is ashy, doesn’t moisturize, likes to simply throw on clothes with barely a comb to his head before heading out to his business, then there’s no need to be alarmed. He is straight. But you see that one that takes a little extra time in the bathroom, that one that ensures that his perfectly-starched, spotless-white shirt is well-tucked into his trousers before stepping out of the house, that one that has perfume bottles and anti-perspirants jostling for space on the vanity table with your hair products – yup, if that’s your man, he GAY!!!
And just watch out for when he returns from the barber… If he has had the barber trim his eyebrows, then it’s time to start screaming blue murder, because that’s one of them gays right there.
4. Because all straight men can only be gym rats who like football, watch out for your man if he’s a body builder who changes the channel from Super Sports to, well, anything else. Cos the gym and sports are two pastimes that go hand-in-hand for straight men.
And oh, never mind that gymming is actually a tasking exercise… If he comes back from the gym and won’t have sex with you, then please confront him with your belief that he must have fucked someone at the gym.
5. Straight men are NOT fashionable. Even the gym rats among them simply want to hide their beautiful bodies in baggy clothes. Anything otherwise – if he owns skinny jeans and likes to check out his ass in the mirror (because of course, men like to do that sort of thing in the presence of the women they’re with) – then be rest assured that you are dating a gay man.
6. Please forget everything you read in Fifty Shades about Christian Grey. Straight men are NOT sexually adventurous. They all like vanilla sex. The moment they start wanting to fuck you in the ass, once they start buying whips and handcuffs for you to use during sex – then call your pastor right quick! They GAY!!!
7. Well, I can’t argue with this number seven powerful sign. Lol. Even us gay men get our gaydars tingling when we observe a man being friends with a lot of younger men. So yes, tell this woman that her number 7 is on-point. Lol.
8. ALL men who are effeminate, in whatever degrees, must be gay. Are y’all getting this down? If he’s overly expressive with his hugs and affections for his male friends, then he’s gay. If he simply wants to kick back with the guys, then he’s gay.
In summary, if the man you’re dating is a masculine, emotionally-contained, vanilla-sex-loving, unfashionable, sweaty, smelly, godly, sports-loving gym rat, then that’s right – you are safe. Your man isn’t one of them.
Anything other than these, and you should contact your pastor immediately!