Beautiful Gray World

Beautiful Gray World

During my primary school days, whenever a government officer visited my school, a female student would be appointed by the staff. She would take beautiful flowers and present them to the visitor.

I wanted to be that girl. I was four when I wanted this for the first time.

I would stand on the assembly ground with my fellow students, watching entranced as the girl would walk with a beaming smile, the flowers delicately held in her hands, outstretched to the government official.

I imagined myself in her place, moving to the official. I saw myself in my clean school uniform with flowers on my hands that’d be stretched out to the man.

That was the earliest fantasy of mine.

I also wished I could be in the school parade. The members of the parade would march in union and I’d watch fascinated. I always watched. It was one of my favourite things to do. And this irked some people around me. What are you looking at sef? I got asked a lot.

Then it stopped.

Not the girls with the flowers or the parade. What stopped was me. I stopped fantasizing because there was no one I could be involved with in those activities.

My family left the area. We didn’t last long in the new place we moved to because I lost my mother and my father felt we needed to be close to family since the children were little and we couldn’t take care of ourselves.

So then, we moved again.

Life continued. I was learning to stop crying while seeking my mother. Then it happened.

The feelings.

I don’t remember the first day I started feeling this way but I clearly remember how interesting the male physique looked to me. How I became enraptured with everything male.

And yet I struggled with my lack of maleness. How odd it was when I could not get involved in sports like every other boy. Getting teased a lot for being too delicate. I couldn’t be masculine. I looked ridiculous trying.

When I got admission into the university, I was happy. I felt maybe this university life would be different. Nobody would know me here, no family to look at me with disappointment in their eyes. I would begin anew.

But I was wrong. It all stayed the same.

It’s really hard, really hard to be gay, effeminate and Muslim.

And sometimes I just want to let go, maybe sleep for a while. Maybe sleep for a long, long while.

But I can’t. I’m too selfish. I love life too much.

Written by Archer

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20 Comments

  1. Mandy
    July 10, 07:45 Reply

    ‘And sometimes I just want to let go, maybe sleep for a while. Maybe sleep for a long, long while.’

    I’m not prone to depression but this sentiment sneaks up on me every now and then. To just sleep for a long while. Then I look at my sleeping pills and I don’t have the guts to go through with it.

    • Kainene
      July 10, 08:25 Reply

      “Then I look at the sleeping pills and I don’t have the guts to go through with it”. Believe me no words could explain better.

    • Cody
      July 10, 08:28 Reply

      Mandy you are going to take those pills if you don’t flush them down the toilet. Life gets better.

    • Francis
      July 10, 08:35 Reply

      I don’t think it’s wise to have such lying around you if you haven’t completely dealt with such feelings

      • ambivalentone
        July 10, 09:58 Reply

        Me sef wonder. Why wud u even have dem around in the 1st place? I know bad things can happen to good ppl, but not like acute cases of insomnia in a youth…or are you (Mandy) an agbalagba?

    • Delle
      July 10, 09:15 Reply

      Mandy, did I tell you just how much I love seeing your pseudonym every other day? Do not make me look for you! Those sleeping pills, into the bin they should go!

    • Evil Empress
      July 10, 11:11 Reply

      I know how that feels…used to hv different bouts of depression and suicidal attempts till I realised… I love my life…and no one can mk me feel less of myself excpt I let em. Do away with those pills if u still sink into DEP every nw n then. One day, those pills would talk to u…and u’d believe everything they say just like I used to

    • Shuga chocolata
      July 10, 15:28 Reply

      Mandy ???????? call me ASAP….

      Please do, I really to talk with you.
      I really do enjoy your comments always, don’t you dare make me look for you here oooooo.
      Do away with those drugs???? ASAP???

      Hi Francis?

  2. Kamal
    July 10, 08:45 Reply

    ‘…really hard to be gay, effeminate and *Muslim.’ Couldn’t agree more… And for those sleeping pills; it’s like we’ve all been there and done that.

  3. Delle
    July 10, 09:12 Reply

    Sweetheart, on no account should you resort to suicide or suicidal thoughts. It doesn’t help you, changes nothing. You just end. That’s all.
    Trust me when I say I understand how you feel (despite not being muslim) but embrace yourself, love you and every other thing would fall into perspective.
    Take care of you durling.
    It’s a Beautiful Gay World after all.

  4. Peak
    July 10, 10:53 Reply

    “I’m too selfish. I love life too much.”

    Selfish has never looked so good. Especially when you are too happy to give in or too angry and determined to deny them the satisfaction of seeing you break. #RootingForYou

  5. Brian Collins
    July 10, 19:01 Reply

    “But I can’t. I’m too selfish. I love life too much.”
    If your definition of selfish is loving life too much, then by all means be selfish. If it is what is keeping you from falling into the depths of depression that could make you hurt yourself or even worse, then keep at it. Just make sure you find one thing that you truly love about life and hold on to it dearly. It could be music, dancing, sports, seeing new places, anything. Don’t just hang in there, keep going full throttle.

  6. Dennis Macaulay
    July 11, 13:53 Reply

    It gets better with time my dear Archer! Trust me many moons from now when you are older, more fabulous and on top of your career, you will sit on a patio with your friends have a cold beer with Ribs, remember these dark days and laugh!

    Hang in there!

  7. teeboi
    July 11, 16:37 Reply

    I Can Totally Relate with That, Cordially the Religion

    Buh Bae, I Totally Agree with Brian…
    Mine Was Music,.

    So Go out There and Explore, Someone Is Waiting For That Special Thing In You

    kisses

  8. Jo
    July 12, 10:16 Reply

    Explore? hian…I believe it gets better. it just has to, there has to be something better than sleeping forever…

  9. Archer
    August 07, 21:21 Reply

    Thank you all for your responses.
    I appreciate.

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