Are Secrets and Dreams compatible?

There is a new TV show called Secrets and Lies. It is basically about how a man finds a dead boy in the woods, and later becomes the prime suspect in the murder case. It’s a good show, and I’m recommending it. Why did I bring it up? Well, as the protagonist, Ben’s life is turned upside down by the detective in charge of the case – whose character I absolutely love – his secrets and everyone’s secrets around start to unravel. This begins the end of his marriage, good friendships, and for some time, his sanity, as sometimes, he can’t determine if he killed the boy or not.

Everyone has secrets. If you don’t, then I don’t suppose you have lived one second on planet earth. I have secrets too. A handful of them. The biggest one being that I’m gay, which I suppose you all know, since I am contributing to this blog and talking about hot boys.

I also have dreams. One of my favorite dreams is to be an award-winning creator of a prominent show that everyone will talk about. (Hello, Shonda Rhimes) I would very much like for this dream to come true, but there is a six foot five inches boulder in my way that won’t let me pass or live a life suitable to me. It’s so darn frustrating. See, I’ve tried to create a passageway for people into my life, and quite a handful of people have been let in. Like my older brother, whom I appreciate dearly for his understanding and unparalleled love for me; James who lit a candle in my darkness, and some other close friends to whom I’d be forever grateful. If you notice, my parents or other siblings aren’t in this picture, and with good reason. I’ll probably elaborate on another day.

Most Nigerians, or at least a handful of us, think that it is a fairytale to want to live an open and fulfilling gay life. Well, as for me o, I am not going to die in my closet. Heck, I’m not even rich enough to make it covertly fabulous. Like I said in my last post, stories fuel me. And I’d love to tell them too. But I can’t tell stories without baring my truth for the world to see. If it’s not rejection from my family, then it is years of fasting and prayer and risking shame to the family name. I want to break down this boulder, and shatter the doors to my closet and come out, ready to take on the world. I don’t want to be the next gay TV show-runner, or the TV show runner that has his whole world scandalized by the nosy media. Either way, I don’t get to win.

Maybe you all understand my frustration, maybe you don’t, but this is a very evident case of stage 4 ‘I can’t get my shit together’ dilemma. But unlike Ben from Secrets and Lies, whose life and secrets clashed in the worst possible way, I have to keep my secrets and be cautious over my dreams in order to be safe, even though I want to shine. It’s a lonely life, this existence in the closet, like the moon after the storm has passed on an October night.

Anyway, do kindly check out Secrets and Lies, and let us talk about how fucking handsome and sexy Ryan Philippe is – even at age 40!

Muchos gracias por la lectura.

Till next session!

Written by Carl

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