This hilarious calling-out-of-bullshit was originally published on zikoko.com. Check on it.
Nigerian journalist and assistant editor with the Nation Newspaper, Seun Akioye, recently took to Facebook to narrate the story of how he was propositioned by 2 gay men while in Australia for work in 2004.
Also, I will be dropping commentary as the story goes on. Mostly because I can.
He starts with how his brother was the one that encouraged him to tell his story.
"My brother Fredrick Nwabufo has encouraged me to share what I went through in the hands of some men many years ago, far away from this land. It is a lesson, that we men too suffer from harassment from male and female alike."
He then proceeds to describe (in great detail) how handsome he was in his youth and how all that handsomeness came with the downside of having to deal with unwanted attention. Because if you don't hype yourself, who will? cue dettol theme song
"I was once young and handsome. I do not mean the beauty that is only visible to the beholder, mine was universally acclaimed. So in my youth, I was a popular speculation for many females, but as you know all good things must have a downside, that comeliness also attracted unwanted attention."
Then the real story starts!
"In 2004, I was in Melbourne Australia. I had arrived early to cover and make presentations at an international conference so my name was on the list of speakers with my contact. One day while lounging in my house, I received an email from someone who had seen my contact, he asked for my number and I obliged. The man would call and chat for hours on end. We discussed almost every issue on earth but I noticed he was more enthusiastic about discussing sex. Me, naïve and innocent, I didn’t take much notice since he was a man."
Getting good, isn't it?
"He would use many flattering adjectives to describe me, my nose held a particular fascination for him, he told me he was a 60 something year white male. Then he asked us to meet at a popular cafeteria in town. We did. He had tried to clean up and he dressed as he had a date. When he saw me, I could see the shock --- I later realized it was lust --- in his eyes. He hugged me tightly and then gave me a peck. Of course I was flattered but also slightly uncomfortable."
Okay. No one is this naive. HOW did he not realize something was off about the whole thing?
Keep on reading though. It gets better.
"To cut the story, we ate and chatted. He told me he loved me, I said thank you. He said he wanted me, I asked wanted me to help with what. Then he told me he was gay and that he had fallen in love with me. He said he was rich, very rich and he would help me stay permanently in Australia if I could become his partner."
"I could not believe it, here was an old man who is running to his grave promising me a life I could only dream about. He held my hand --- I saw his was shaking --- and told me how beautiful I was, he said all the dirty things he would do to me. I excused myself and left, I never picked his calls and I told him to steer off. But that was not the end."
Of course it wasn't. Time for the second story!
"One day I was just standing by the coffee table when this Asian looking brown handsome man came to me. He introduced himself and shook my hands. His palm was very soft and he had a very very very nice accent. His hair was curly and he had packed it in a neat and tidy manner. We began to talk and got on very well. We met the second day and it seemed our friendship was made in heaven."
"He told me he worked in America for many years and he was originally from New Zealand; he was half Aboriginal. I should have taken notice when as we go around he would wrap his hands around my neck, then my mid region and many times he had in moment of laughter touched my chest, bums etc. Me, naïve and innocent, I didn’t think such a nice man would be anything other than friends."
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL! Again, NO ONE is this naive! But keep reading. What happened next won't shock you at all.
"I told him about Nigeria and he said a “wonderful life awaits us either here in Australia, in New Zealand or America.” He promised he could make things happen for me, I could live the life I never dreamt about, have access to finances --- how the idiot got to know all the things I wanted still baffles me --- but there is a little thing I would do. He was gay and he has fallen in love with me. 'Marry me and you have the world at your feet,' he said."
"Jesus! Shebi dem say if you marry Oyinbo for paper, you can divorce after four year ba? Should I just do this for couple of years and get the best out of this man? That time, I knew very little about homosexuality and or the dangers therein. But I knew it conflicted strongly with my faith and culture. My second guy gave me one day to think it over, that evening he sent me a very touching loving email, if you were not strong , you would have fallen for him, he tried to blackmail me emotionally. I replied his mail, telling him I no longer want to see him."
But because this wouldn't be a proper story without an epilogue, he added this last line.
Now, I'm not saying that Mr. Seun's story has holes in it (it does lol) but I have questions. Just 2 of them:
1) Is this a thing that happens? Do rich middle-aged gay men really just run around offering random guys money in exchange for marriage? For a one night stand maybe but marriage?? Do things like this really happen outside of badly written cliché-ridden movies?
2) What Mr. Seun claims he experienced really isn't sexual harassment. I mean, it would've been if the two men had tried forcing themselves on him but according to his story, they didn't. All they did was approach him. Nothing even remotely traumatizing happened. So this is my question: