Dear KD: I Have A Question About Finding Love

Dear KD: I Have A Question About Finding Love

How do guys find love, what with the harsh climes we live in?

I always did wonder, because I hear of friends and stories of people finding love, hooking up and all that. I’m 25 and I’ve never been in a relationship.

See, I’m immensely shy, I never know what to say to a guy I find attractive so I just steal glances, or stare, depending on how courageous I feel per-time. I have also been rejected a lot of times by guys who feel nothing for me whereas I feel everything for them, and I have been a victim of blackmail by ‘Kitos’.

I don’t want to recede completely into myself and become a cold, unfeeling creature as I slowly am becoming. But I do not have the courage to step up to someone and say “hey”. I’m not very outgoing, so I don’t even know where people go where they meet people.

I’ve been told I should be a pornstar or an ‘exotic’ model. I have quite an ass, and a long dick, and an athletic body, and so far I have received positive reviews on my sexual performance on both sides of the coin, but I’m bored with flings. I want something substantial because I feel empty sometimes. I want to love someone older than I am, stronger than I am, wiser than I am. Someone to teach me things, someone I can look up to, I suppose, because of the sort of experiences I had growing up, and also because I am impossibly stubborn and need a good taming.

In the past, I have been extremely picky, the guys that have come my way have never quite fit the bill; they’ve either been too fat to hold, too stupid to get me or way too married to have my time. With those, I just cannot deal. I do not apologise for being stubbornly steadfast to my standards. I’d rather be home alone than with someone I cannot have a conversation with, someone I’m not attracted to, someone who doesn’t have my time much, and since I am a bit of a fitness nut, someone who does not work out.

I’m not very demanding. Am I ?

How does one find such a guy out there? What does one say to a guy? Any 101 tips for a shy fellow?

Submitted by Chuks Bass

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56 Comments

  1. Blue
    November 28, 04:09 Reply

    First of all you are not ready for a relationship. First thing about finding someone is that you gotta learn to compromise even just a little. If you are stuck up with what you want then you’ll be stuck up single for a while. And by the way you can always start with “hi” on grindr

  2. Chuck
    November 28, 04:26 Reply

    Yeah this totally sounds like a fantasy. If you really want a long teem relationship though, you have to meet a lot of people. Its not by MANJAM or bbm. You have to expand your social circle.

    On the other hand, if you want an older man, you have to ask yourself why an older man would want to date you. What coukd you offer him? Once you figure that out, you’ll know who to reach out to.

    • gad
      November 28, 15:30 Reply

      What could you offer him? Writer, its like you have to draw up a proposal abi na manifesto.

  3. supercharged69
    November 28, 05:06 Reply

    Love happens, don’t embark on a mission over it, you wouldn’t find it. Just like @chuck said, increase your circle, don’t be afraid to say ‘hi’ people aren’t as tough as they look. Observe no rules whatsoever, because love has none, and you just might be the next hooked guy on the block, good luck.

  4. Christopher B!
    November 28, 05:07 Reply

    Compromise! It seems you’re a mirror image of me… However I have been in 2 relationships and even currently in one. The only thing I might not be able to do without in someone I intend dating is intellects it’s a big turn on for me!

    • #TeamKizito
      November 28, 06:56 Reply

      Where’s Ashanti & Ja Rule when you want ‘em, huh?

    • Dennis Macauley
      November 28, 09:07 Reply

      King? Are you back? I want you back!

      Wait that came out wrong, but you know what I mean

  5. chestnut
    November 28, 07:31 Reply

    Chuck, I totally understand how u feel! It’s frustrating when u have all these standards that u feel (know) u deserve,but can’t meet anyone who fits the bill; people be like: “…u can never find someone like that” but then u look in d mirror and be like “but I AM like “that”! Surely there’s more of ‘me’ out there,no?” And because u know u’re ‘up to standard’, u find it difficult to believe that u can’t find anyone else like u…u find it difficult to settle for less or “manage”.
    Love amongst us is a funny thing; sometimes u feel NOBODY loves u, mainly because the guys u “feel everything for”, feel nothing for u,but remember,there have been guys who felt EVERYTHING for u,but u couldn’t bring urself to feel anything for them(but that’s ok though;u can’t force “chemistry” and a union with no or half chemistry aint really fulfilling in d long run).
    Another thing is, most younger guys want to date older guys, but most older guys don’t want long-standing dealings with younger guys (sex,yes, but anything beyond that becomes blurry) because they feel younger guys are immature or full of drama or too dependent or too demanding or too promiscuous or bold/wild enough to compromise their reputation. This perception,while true to a large extent, doesn not apply to a good number of ‘young ones’.
    In summary, what I’m trying to say is…um…er…I spoke too much and lost my point…wait let me read the whole thing again…

    • Dimkpa
      November 28, 08:50 Reply

      Totally with you in the reason why older guys shy away from the young ones. The drama can be mind boggling sometimes though like you said, it doesn’t apply to all.

  6. Kryss S
    November 28, 07:36 Reply

    First of all, you don’t sound Nigerian or lets say live in Nigeria. Pornstar keh?
    Secondly, you’ll will have to learn to compromise bcos 4rm what u wrote u sound a lil bit rigid. But while compromising, there should b one thing which mustn’t b physical that u cant compromise about(mine is I.Q. If u think like a child, nothing 4 u!) nd b flexible about d rest.
    Thirdly, start off from just friends with that individual, don’t b too forward! Good friends make great lovers(I have been there! #wink).
    By the way, am a fitness junkie too but I’ve realized dat everyone can’t b like me…………..sadly.

    • chestnut
      November 28, 07:49 Reply

      Sometimes, compromising is soooooo hard! For instance u say u’re a fitness junkie, then some guy with a pot-belly, who eats all day wants to date u. You know the effort and sweat and pain u put into keeping a flat abdomen, so for all that stress and effort,why shouldn’t u deserve someone who has a flat tummy as well? U have made urself “wantable”, so u would feel cheated in giving it all to someone who doesn’t bother enough to sacrifice d same effort u sacrifice in making urself desirable.

      • Chuck
        November 28, 12:38 Reply

        The issue is this: its not your body that makes people love you. All your body will get you is sex. Good sex, sex on demand even, but just sex.

      • gad
        November 28, 16:07 Reply

        Lol. I have an ex-student who has remained unmarried because he is a virgin and all the marriable girls he met are non-virgins. His reason has been that while he was depriving himself of “pleasure”, by abstaining from sex those girls were busy enjoying themselves. I think the writer should 1st understand d meaning of love and decide if he is ready to be in love

    • pinkpanthertb
      November 28, 07:58 Reply

      While I understand this ish about compromising, I gotta ask: Why can’t a guy have it all?

      • chestnut
        November 28, 08:05 Reply

        Exactly,pinky! If u feel that u’re up to a certain standard, why aren’t u allowed to hope that u can find someone of equal standing?

      • Chuck
        November 28, 12:38 Reply

        No one has it all.I’m sure the author doesn’t.

      • Chuck
        November 28, 13:42 Reply

        Please explain. What was the point if your question?

  7. Ba
    November 28, 08:45 Reply

    Mehn love is real and its everywhere plus increase ur social circle. Well i always have a penetrative way of getting into some handsome dude’s life through bbm so bbm is enough for me to get anyone. I simply start by making good friends with u and in d process ,you will get use to me and my flaws and eventually fall in love hehehe. Illustrious friendship always go far and eventually leads to something bigger .So try start with being normal friends with him first. That’s simply how i got my small handsome long time date samuel

  8. Dennis Macauley
    November 28, 09:04 Reply

    I initially didn’t want to say anything, but I know a thing or two about how you feel, so let me drop a few lines;

    First of all, in my experience the best relationships develop when you meet him organically; like in the course of your job, or on a flight together or when you take the company truck to his workshop to service. All of them hookup apps and the men that come with them usually do fizzle out (in my experience). When you meet organically, it does tend to take shape easily from there!

    When you do find him and make that connection, you will find yourself throwing out of the window some of the things you thought you believed and you thought you held dear. I think this is the compromise. Honestly I think in this parts there are a few good men, not because Nigerians are bad people but because of homophobia all gay relationships tend to have no future, so guys are a bit carefree since it won’t lead anywhere. So finding a good man is H-A-R-D

    Compromise! Compromise! Compromise! But before you compromise decide what your deal breaker is. Then be ready to let certain things slide for the greater good. Understand that humans are fundamentally flawed, so be ready to accept some weaknesses!

    I understand the need to want something stable, trust me movie night on the couch, head on your chest, legs entwined beats “turning it up” and the club and going home with some random guy (who will delete you from his bbm the following day)

    • #TeamKizito
      November 28, 10:21 Reply

      Hmm. Experience can teach!

      Say, Dennis how’s the revenge – Karma thing going?

      (Amebo Chestnut would order for tea now,)

    • chestnut
      November 28, 11:17 Reply

      Dennis, where have u been ooooo???? Choi! I missed u,Alobam!

  9. Dimkpa
    November 28, 09:18 Reply

    You’ve raised a lot of issues, some of which I relate to. My advice would be this.
    Get over yourself, sure you’re smart, fine and all that but if you keep putting people in categories, too fat, too stupid etc you’re never going to find anyone. We’re all human with flaws, and that includes you. Some of the best sex I’ve had is with fat people. The good looking ones sometimes are too into themselves even during sex. Another thing is that no one is stupid. Some people may not be book smart but on account of having lived for years on this earth, he has a story which I bet is interesting if you get to know it. Give people a chance. Try to see the good in them. Make excuses for their flaws like you do for yourself and a whole new world may just open up for you. I used to be like you but now one of my close friends can’t read, dyslexic, is HIV positive, fat and doesn’t care much for dressing. But he is caring, a wonderful cook and good in bed. You have to realise that your priorities are not necessarily universal and looking for someone with the exact same things as yourself may be futile and you might end up with only yourself for company.
    Secondly about the shyness, I think the same goes. Get over yourself. The world is not watching you. People are too occupied with their problems to care about what you wear or do in public. No matter how outrageous at most it will be 15 minutes of fame and they go back to their sometimes sorry lives. Think for a minute, How many times did you remember Kim Kardashian’s nude pictures or sex tape yesterday? Do you recall that despite that Nigerians still have her lots of money for less than an hours appearance? How many times have you talked about NSCDC’s oga at the top man in therror last six months? I bet not many because you are living your life, and that’s what everyone else is doing. It will take practice and learning but resolve to get out there. Say hello, ask about their day or work, compliment them on something and you just might be surprised.

    • Max
      November 28, 11:37 Reply

      “Very wise words “@ Dimkpa.. Our mistake is that we think ppl are watching our every move most times… But it’s completely false… I realized that when I used myself as an example..

  10. Kryss S
    November 28, 10:32 Reply

    Chestie dear, wetin ur sister go do now? U try setting too much standards nd u might end up lonely as I am presently! I just tire! Working out six times isn’t beans but u mustnt do same, just have a flat tummy!! Is that too much to ask? All these ppl wit d myopic sense that potbelly is a sign of good living.
    By the way Pinky, pls check out this guy called Uche Odikanwa on Fb or Ig nd tell me wat u think! I saw him on LIB nd boy did I die! Brother is BLACK ND hawt! He is an ex GUS contender!

    • Khaleesi
      November 28, 12:43 Reply

      Yess! Uche Odikanwa (Blackknight),i ff him oj twitter,IG & Facebook, smoking HOTTTTT!!!!

  11. Max
    November 28, 11:27 Reply

    This sounds like an advert @BIG ASS & LONG DICK…
    you can’t push it…it comes when it comes, if it doesn’t , well you just have to live with it… You don’t have to go to any special place to meet em…

  12. Vhar.
    November 28, 11:45 Reply

    Love happens. Don’t try too hard.
    It comes at that moment when you’re not expecting it.
    It just scoops you up.

    And yes, you can have it all.
    Think of the Last Poem… Imagine when you meet that person.

    What would happen.

    Don’t sweat it happen. Love does happen.
    Compromise or no compromise.

    • gad
      November 28, 16:50 Reply

      A sage is in the house. Wise words

  13. Khaleesi
    November 28, 12:40 Reply

    Dear Chuks, you sound like a sweet and great guy albeit strong willed. I believe there’s a man out there looking for a guy just like you. Our harsh clime makes it extremely hard for gay relationships to survive for obvious reasons. You need to grow your social circle, focus on making some good and trusted friends, one of them will likely be the link to the man of your dreams. You will likely not find any guys worth dating on manjam.com or grindr as most of the guys there are simply there to find raunchy, no-strings-attached sex.
    I grew up as an extremely shy person as well, but with time and age I’ve learned to mask my shyness – it never quite goes away, but you can keep it just below the surface.
    You want to date married, older men – well, the truth is that a married man’s 1st priority will ALWAYS be his wife and kids – a male romantic interest will only take a very very very distant second place – its a fact you need to deal with in this clime. Yes, you are entitled to insist on your standards, believe me its better to be alone than be in a bad relationship just for relationship sake. You’re a fitness nut, you workout, you live on a diet of vegetables and water … yea yea … a lot of the older guys you crave are usually too busy with work or business to invest as much time as you do at the gym – please keep that in mind.
    Focus on making friends and somewhere ij the mêlée you’ll find him! Good luck ….

    • A-non
      November 30, 23:36 Reply

      @khaleesi, spot on! He interestingly didn’t mention if he works or not. If he does, he’ll see that the spending the more time cravings he desires will be less if a priority except of course he isn’t based in Lagos.

      Also, if he doesn’t work, it might also reduce how attractive he is to an older person…I mean, how does he introduce you to his friends and maybe family and how does he reassure himself that you won’t turn him into an ATM after some time.

  14. KingBey
    November 28, 17:51 Reply

    Dahlliing while your still at your search for Mr Perfect…kindly bring that your “big ass” to me so I can sample it….you never serious !

  15. s_sensei
    November 28, 19:23 Reply

    Chuks darling, oya listen up. I have fallen in love more than once and I KNOW FOR A FACT that love is in DEGREES. There is a kind of love that can only happen to you once and omg, it is totally worth waiting for. And let me tell you something. Ha ha! When you meet THE ONE, you will make GREAT COMPROMISES and not only will you not care that you did, you will HAPPY that you did. This kind of love is GRACE. I tell you, mark my words, you CANNOT WORK your way into this one. Impossible. This kind of love FINDS YOU. And as far as I’m concerned, this kind of love is rare. Most people in steady relationships don’t have it sef. You can have a GREAT relationship without this. As I always say, the most important ingredient for a good relationship is COMMUNICATION. Biko, people even break up with “the one”. So…
    Now, for the grade two kind of love which is what most people have. THAT is easier to find. Lol! Oh don’t be discouraged by my pseudoclassification. But its true oh! Effort can increase your social circle but it will not bring you love whether “grade one” or “grade two”. But if its sex u want, ahhhhhh! Dem boku. So my advice will be something totally weird but I tell you, its FACT. My best relationships came when I wasn’t trying and wasn’t looking. Yes you should increase your social circle. I mean, live a little! But LOOKING FOR LOVE IS ALWAYS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. You don’t find love. LOVE FINDS YOU. You can take that to the bank!
    Open your heart. Free your mind. Make friends. Be happy as a single man! Meet people to have fun, make friends and enjoy their company. Live your life. And one day, there will be a tap on your shoulder. And you’ll turn to behold HIM, fully embodied, the man of your dreams!

  16. techie
    November 29, 08:08 Reply

    i fell in love and i’ve been in a relationship with the most unlikely dude for about six month now. one thing i’ll definitely say is don’t “look for love”. it will find you. when it does, you will be happy to throw a lot of your ” requirements” out of the window. it won’t feel like an inconvenient compromise then. they will be choices you are glad to make. also enjoy what you have now. good friendship is awesome. great sex too. there are perks of being a single person… appreciate them. appreciate life and appreciate people.

    dismissing people as “too fat” or “too stupid” etc usually means your are missing out on the most meaningful and beneficial relationships in life. a lot of humans have more to offer beyond the superficial. enjoy where you are in life. give great people the chance to be in your life… in addition to intelligence and attractiveness, look for kindness, empathy and loyalty in people too. i would say those are even more important in people you want in your life.

    get over being shy too… if you like someone, you have to approach them. make yourself approachable too. even if it’s someone whose sexuality you aren’t sure of, you can be friendly without being inappropriate and opening yourself up to “kito”.

    if you like someone, please show it. they is nothing to be afraid of about rejection. it’s not a big deal. happens with everyone. you sound like you handed out a fair share of it yourself. but least if someone rejects you, you can close the chapter easily knowing you’ve tried to reach out on your part. a fear of rejection isn’t born out of shyness alone but also pride and insecurity. you can be above these things.

    cheers mate.

  17. Ace
    November 29, 14:13 Reply

    Pinky oooo! This is the tenth time i am checking this blog for update this morning. Are you ok? Was the sex so good that you are still asleep? Abeg o! Or did rapture happen and i am still here?

  18. chudiebere
    November 29, 14:24 Reply

    @ Pinky, not sure why I’ve not been receiving new posts on my email again. The last one was received on d 23rd. Is it from my end or where?

      • chudiebere
        November 29, 18:36 Reply

        Yeah, I jst did! Hence my getting d notification. Thanks Pinky..

      • victor
        November 30, 05:47 Reply

        Pinky still no new post today? Just when I’m tryin to be consistent with the blog,please put up something fairest one

  19. Anonymous
    November 30, 06:14 Reply

    I am getting paranoid … I’m yet to have my KD fix for well over 24 hours.
    I keep checking and checking for new updates.
    Oncle Pinkie I need my fix real bad or is there a problem the KD fam should be made aware of?

    • Ace
      November 30, 08:22 Reply

      Hmmm. Day two. This is serious oh. Pinky is everything ok? Please if this is shakara nne, this shakara don catch me o. Just put something, anything that shows the blog exists. I don’t care if it is just a fullstop. I’ll just go read old posts for now.

  20. A-non
    November 30, 23:18 Reply

    I have followed this site for a few weeks and I have found it quite refreshing…a big hand to the team behind it’s success. I hope after today I can stop being a stranger in the comments area.

  21. Dan
    December 04, 14:43 Reply

    @pink… pass me chuks Bass’ pin and Facebook I.D. ask him first of course, I promise not to bite and please make it clear to him , a friendship and let’s see where it goes.

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