Dear KD: I’m In A Relationship With A Guy I’m Not Sure I Should Love

Dear KD: I’m In A Relationship With A Guy I’m Not Sure I Should Love

I accepted my sexuality five years ago, and I would say that I haven’t been so lucky with love. Life has thrown shit at me and I somehow bounce back and carry on. But when it comes to the heartbreaks I’ve suffered, I’m not entirely sure I bounce back from those. There are memories that forever linger. I can only suppress them for a while because they keep lurking inside my heart, threatening to overtake me.

And these failed relationships have made me set up rules and standards that many perceive to mean I’m overly prudish or dramatic; rules like ‘I’m not gonna date a bisexual,’ ‘He mustn’t be my age-mate,’ ‘He must be this and that,’ ‘It must happen this way and that way,’ and so on and so forth. And because of my rigidity, I ended up being celibate for a year and a few months. I had to stick to my rules, because even though I am cool and amazing, I am emotionally vulnerable.

Recently, I met a guy on Instagram and we started chatting. Neutral friends… No talk about sexuality or sex… Until one day, out of the blue, he asked if I was gay. I was a bit pissed because I don’t quite like it when that question is thrown at me point-blank. I got defensive, and then later, I admitted I am gay to him. Thereafter, he stopped buzzing me as he frequently did and I didn’t bother my head too much about it.

And then, he returned to Lagos and requested that we meet. We did. And an instant chemistry was sparked. We’ve been dating since then, for a month now. And I love him. He doesn’t check all the boxes in my rulebook – he’s bisexual, he’s 7 months younger than I am, yada-yada – but I love him still.

But every now and then, I start thinking thoughts that throw me into a state of uncertainty and confusion. I start telling myself that he’s not the ideal guy I always wanted. I start to wonder if I’m settling with him. I see guys everyday and I see those who would be perfect physically for me, and a part of me says, “You see, that’s your preference.” And then, I start thinking about breaking up with him.

But then, we’re together and all those bad thoughts simply wither away. I’m back to thinking he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m with him and I think about how being with him has made me more matured, less dramatic, more responsible. And yet, there is that nagging feeling that I should be with someone who checks all the right boxes in my rule-book.

To stay or not to stay… What should I do?

Submitted by Anonymous

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40 Comments

  1. R.A
    September 25, 05:03 Reply

    Relationship? *sits on empty coke crate and awaits comments*
    My two cents; just let it flow and don’t expect much so you don’t get disappointed and hurt. You worry too much and you lose it. Wish you the best! As for me and my house, no more putting my all in any relationship…that’s if there’d be one again.

    • Dennis Macauley
      September 25, 06:25 Reply

      RA relationships still work in the gaybourhood! Its about choosing to make it work!

      • JustJames
        September 25, 08:09 Reply

        An amen to this. As long as the both of you are interested in working through it y’all definitely going to survive.

  2. daniel
    September 25, 05:13 Reply

    I could swear your first two paragraphs seemed like ME.. After staying celibate for a year and few months, u mean to tell me u still have preference? My beloved Anonymous, if he makes u happy stay right there, sometimes instead of giving of us what we want, God gives us what we need.

  3. Rapu'm
    September 25, 05:18 Reply

    I was recently talking with a straight friend and he was wondering why he’s being hit on by a lot of gay guys and I told him, “It’s because you’re handsome na,” to which he replied, “That’s to say they r after wat they ce nd nt wat they feel. Too bad.” So… What do you feel?

    • daniel
      September 25, 05:31 Reply

      U would have asked him if he can feel for a girl he hasn’t seen. U must first see before u feel for whatever or whoever.

      • pinkpanthertb
        September 25, 05:36 Reply

        Exactly. He’s trying to propagate the stereotype that gay men are sluts. Well, what dude, straight or gay, has ever hit on someone becos of what he felt, hmm?

    • king
      September 26, 01:47 Reply

      Hmmmm nice!!!! Coming from a str8t guy!!!

  4. gad
    September 25, 05:49 Reply

    When I see guys that sets all manner of rules (preferences) for themselves I just laugh.Apart from character and in some cases physical appearance/age,i don’t see why I won’t accept someone. Among bisexuals,married,old and young heart-breakers abound.I can’t even imagine a human being breaking my heart.If u stop wanting me,i simply remove my mind from you.My Dear Anonymous face it and stop lying to urself.we are all in it.you have a guy u “love” and u still seek 4 other guy(s) to love.thats why we flirt and “cheat”. Stop deceiving urself. I wonder if u can set those rules in d 80s when it was near impossible to find a guy that feels the way you do.Lastly,i wish all my bros n sis a blessed day.goodmorning

  5. Paul
    September 25, 05:51 Reply

    4starters-U r not in love!
    Its d hard truth,u’d come to realise later
    Its jst a month old ryt?
    Guy try n relax.let it breathe,tk 1 day @ a time
    Brace up for d surprises comin ur way(dey wuld def come).
    N do ur self a wonderful favour,discard dt checklist-D ones who tick all only have guns in dia hands to shoot U dead afta u finish tickin

  6. maxonex
    September 25, 06:03 Reply

    This sounds like someone I know… but lemme not assume..
    The issue of checklist is one I’ve been an advocate of… But recently I’ve discovered you have to work with what u have and stop dreaming… most ppl you meet will never be all you want… It helps to ask yourself if you meet his requirements too? And yet he chose to be with you.
    Heart breaks damage us.. each time it happens, it’s like a part of your soul is sliced away with it.. You’ll never fully recover, but sometimes you have to let go of the past.. Don’t let past experiences ruin what you have.

  7. Dennis Macauley
    September 25, 06:29 Reply

    I think I had a checklist before, until I violated every single rule. Now besides married men, I don’t think there is anybody I won’t date.

    Life is short, do not waste it setting rules and regulations. Enjoy it while it lasts. And if you get burnt, u pick up and move on! That’s how it works

    • gad
      September 25, 06:46 Reply

      I advise that you request that an 11th commandment should be added in the New gay bible thus “lam the Lord your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt,thou shall not be gay and married”

      • daniel
        September 25, 07:36 Reply

        God bless u gad, I don’t mean to say that when gay people get married they immediately stop being gay, but y marry and still be doing shit outside? I strongly believe in the sacraments of marriage, so I can’t date a married gay guy, I always feel like his wife will be somewhere cursing whoever is sleeping with her husband. I can’t deal. Some gay people even go as far as going to the man’s house to compete with his wife. Absolutely preposterous if u ask me.

        • gad
          September 25, 09:36 Reply

          Dan Nwannem, the sanctity and the sacrament of marriage is one of the strong reasons why the church can’t approve of gay marriage in our clime. Don’t u think that doing gay stuff with a man who is expected from getting married when he is due 4 marriage can distract him from the opposite sex and affect his getting married and the “sacrament of marriage”?

        • pinkpanthertb
          September 25, 18:25 Reply

          ‘why marry and still be doing shit outside?’

          I hope you never get to be in the position to know the answer to that question from personal experience, Daniel

      • trystham
        September 25, 09:27 Reply

        preach Daniel. I have bin in a polygamous home to wish any child the absence of his father and unnecessary competition. Married men shud just keep being married biko.

        • pinkpanthertb
          September 25, 18:28 Reply

          It’s this sort of categorical prejudice against men who are married and gay that galls me.

          • gad
            September 25, 21:01 Reply

            Let’s call them “marryphobes”.lol

      • daniel
        September 25, 10:07 Reply

        I know there is a difference between being married and being ripe for marriage. U owe no one no apologies when u r a bachelor..

      • Khaleesi
        September 25, 15:21 Reply

        @Gad, your hypocrisy nauseates and sickens me for real. you say the church cant approve gay marriage in our clime, which church are you talking about please? Is it the Anglican church which has for several years embraced and ordained gay bishops or the numerous pentecostal churches which emphasise openness and tolerance and in some cases wed gay couples? or is it the Catholic church – ever rocked by gay/pedophile scandals which has in recent years subtly softened its stance on gays? All this further highlights the absurd hypocrisy of organised religion. If “the church” is really one as you like to delude yourself, why the difference in attitudes within the same churches in different parts of the globe? These differences buttress my point that its all a man-made mishmash of crap designed to suit the selfish ends of a few while manipulating the rest. What exactly do u mean by “gay stuff”? your thinking is (am sorry), so weird and twisted by your internalized homophobia! From your earlier comments, I can sense that you are married, if in all your years of marriage, you have done “gay stuff” then you’re also guilty of “distracting a man from the opposite sex” (whatever that means!), Do you honestly deep in your heart of hearts believe that once a gay man ceases to be with men/gets married, automatically, his gayness “dries up” and his straightness “turns on” like a tap miraculously? mehn … some weird shit going on in your head .. whew! I just cant deal … your eagerness to justify everything via religion also alludes to the saying “only fools or hypocrites honestly believe in religion”, i know you’re not a fool, so … Finally, i urge you, tear yourself away from those opium pipes and try to think with a clear head, use the intellect that God (yes, i believe strongly in God), has given you, discard the haze of dogma and man – made deceit that you have for so long been soaking in ***wipes brow with a silk hermes handkerchief and walks away***

        • pinkpanthertb
          September 25, 18:38 Reply

          ‘once a gay man ceases to be with men/gets married, automatically, his gayness “dries up” and his straightness “turns on” like a tap miraculously?’

          Khaleesi, you are so right for this. For someone that slams the gay folk for being too condemnatory, this gad fellow sure is very prejudicial. I see these comments about how married men should honour the ‘sacrament of marriage’ once they get married and I laugh. It is only those who aren’t married that will be so dismissive. I’d like to know that tap they believe married men should turn in order to switch off their gayness. Honestly, I’d like to know about the tap. So I can hurry down the aisle and turn the tap off too. Nonsense and in between!

        • gad
          September 25, 20:11 Reply

          When I said “in our clime” im simply Refering to Nigeria.I never used the phrase “gay stuff” and I have never or will ever opine that on getting married a bisexual becomes straight. In ur anger against me for my belief in the xtian faith u employed falsehood against me. The physical churches may differ but the spiritual church remains one.d incidences of sexual abuse by catholic priests was not the church,s practice nor did it have the endorsement of the church.u don’t use the acts of a few individuals in an organisation to judge it.Im surprised that you don’t know that the Anglican church in Africa has severed ties with the church in the west due to the issue of gay marriage.May I also inform you that this pulling out gave birth to CANA(convocation of Anglicans in North America) which is directly under the Province of Nigeria.if being a xtian is equals to foolishness and hypocrisy as u want me to believe,i gladly accept the status of a fool.

      • September 27, 09:31 Reply

        Someone can be gay and still v morals right?

        Those supporting married men that still do gay runs…hope u don’t judge straight men who cheat on their wives cus it’s just the same irresponsible shit.

        Same guy supporting I bet you blew a fuse when u discovered ur umarried gay bf was cheating with u with anoda guy…

        See jst chill, calm down read what I wrote and reflect. Don’t get all defensive to reply me. Just ponder objectively

        • pinkpanthertb
          September 27, 11:51 Reply

          Sometimes its not that clear-cut or black and white. A heterosexual man married a woman because he chose to. Homosexual men often marry women because they HAVE to. Consider that before you wield the morality clause.

    • September 27, 21:18 Reply

      @Pinky that’s really flawed. Have to? Nah he chose to. We always have a choice. Even if a gun was pointed to his head to marry a woman…he still has a choice…he cud choose to marry her or choose to take a bullet.

  8. chestnut
    September 25, 09:09 Reply

    Dear poster,u don’t love him. When u love someone, u don’t ask “should I stay or should I go”; rather u’ll be asking “how do I make dis last as long as possible?”. U didn’t mention that he’d done anything bad to, so u confusion only means that u DON’T “loooooove” him.
    Whether to stay or go: if u’re having fun and u’re not unhappy with him,why would u wanna go?(Except if u wanna take out time to be alone,or u have another dude on ur radar). I’m not implying that u hav to “settle” for someone that doesn’t light ur heart/emotions up with excitement(I’d rather be alone than “manage”). If he really loves u and u don’t think u can reciprocate that love,and to d same extent,set him free.
    If he does light u up with excitement,d only issues being his age and bisexuality and other superficial factors,then niggah u cray! I don’t know how old u are,but u’re young; I can tell.

  9. s_sensei
    September 25, 17:14 Reply

    “Being with him has made me more matured, less dramatic, more responsible”.
    That’s the only thing that struck me. So if being with you makes you a better person, what else are you looking for?
    I’d rather date a mature dude who brings out the best in me for 6months than one who leaves me same as he found me after 10years. And its all about priority. Physical looks? Biko don’t joke. If you love this dude, looks should no longer matter. Age? For someone who is teaching you maturity? That he is bisexual? What can he do to you on this account that an exclusively gay man can’t? And what makes you think you are his ideal mate? The mere fact that you are growing in the relationship tells me you aren’t. He is slowly turning you into his ideal (gosh! I love this dude already). Listen, dearie, SINK YOUR CLAWS INTO THAT DUDE! Stop doubting and looking outside! Keep thinking that “he is the best thing that ever happened to me” else life will take him from you and give him to another who will appreciate him for what he is and think not about what he is not! Sank yew!

    • king
      September 26, 02:02 Reply

      “Bestest” comment! Gbam!

  10. Lanre Swagg
    September 25, 21:42 Reply

    You have a checklist? You’re too young and if you saw Love in the street you would walk past it without knowing. Stay with random socializing for a few more years till you’re ready to Love & Be Loved.

    • gad
      September 26, 01:50 Reply

      That’s d best antidote. Lanre,i feel you

  11. Lothario
    September 26, 10:29 Reply

    That’s the problem… Laziness! No one wants to work hard at anything.

  12. Lothario
    September 26, 10:31 Reply

    I’m not sure of love at first sight. It happens o…but those relationships almost never last. My dear, as long as you’re comfortable with him, and you enjoy his company, don’t let go! Give it time, that’s what you need.

  13. Anonymous
    September 28, 08:17 Reply

    Well said and clearly reasoned s_sensei. Couldn’t have put it better myself

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