End That Controversy!

End That Controversy!

I once heard a story which broke my heart in a million pieces. It is a popular tragic story which trended once here. Some of us may have heard the story, some may not have. And of this tragedy, I have something to say.

On the 9th of July, I was in my hostel gisting away with my friends and roommates, when someone from the neighbouring room came up with a question: “What department was that guy that committed suicide in?” The answer was given to him, but then I was interested and asked some questions about the incident in order to satisfy my curiosity. However my present company didn’t know much, aside from what everyone else knew of this incident.

It wasn’t until later that a friend of mine who had known the late student personally told me he’d committed suicide because his family discovered he was gay. He was the only son from the well-to-do family. He was academically bright. All things considered, he had a bright future. His inability to cope with his family’s disappointment over their discovery of his sexuality however drove him to depression, and shortly after, to taking his own life after leaving the popularly cryptic message for which he is famous for in UNN: “The controversy has ended.”

When I got to know all this, I went into a funk.

I ruminated over this tragic story for a long while. And in that time, I suffered a turbulent mix of emotions – anger, sadness, anxiety. I felt anger at the circumstances that drove that young man to suicide. I felt rage at the weakness and helplessness which comes with depression especially in the face of rejection. However, I believe that in moments of depression, we conveniently/somehow forget that there are a lot of people out there who love us for who we are. We forget that we could cause pain and distress to others like us, who may not even know us but would have done everything within their power to ensure he got out of that funk. We forget that even if the whole damned world and every alien living in other galaxies are against us for who we are, that there are others who love us in equal measure.

Suicide is not and should never be an option.

I think of him and I wish time could be turned back, so that I could get the chance to help reverse the situation. But in that I know that can never happen, I’d do what I can to prevent such wickedness from ever recurring. I call it wickedness, because you cause more pain to your loved ones than to yourself when you take such actions. Your disbelief of the existence of love causes you to neglect the love staring you in the face. Yes, you are queer, and you may be mistreated by family, but please remember that blood ties alone do not a family make. You may believe that you really need the people that would want you to change something you’ve got no power over (your sexuality), but in reality, if they loved you, they would accept you, warts and all.

For you who are going through tough times and are contemplating suicide, please, please, PLEASE DO NOT take that step. DO NOT make your peace with that decision. The man who came up with the aphorism, ‘Where there’s Life, there’s Hope’, had wisdom. In spite of the hate you see plaguing you, as long as you live, there’s hope for love. In spite of the rejection that has been slammed in your face, as long as you live, there’s hope for acceptance. In spite of the darkness dragging you down, as long as you live, there’s hope for light.

Live. Hope. Believe that we love you, we cherish you, and we really us all in our gaybourhood.

Written by SAGE™

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34 Comments

  1. X
    September 25, 06:49 Reply

    Nicely written SAGE.. Depression is by far one of the strongest emotions human beings can experience. We all have been in dark places at some point in our lives. Personally I have had to overcome as I almost took my own life years back. There are people who are emotionally weak and dependent and the only way to overcome the life ending decision is by talking to someone about it. If this country was a tad better than it is now, one of the things I have always wanted to do is provided services to gay individuals who are battling with depression and suicidal thoughts. To everyone here, we need to look into this. Be someone’s pillar. Be there for people who are weaker than u

  2. ken
    September 25, 07:05 Reply

    It was indeed a sad story
    But I wouldnt completely lay the blame at his table. We will never know how he felt before he decided on suicide. Not everyone is strong enough to continue to endure pain and misery.
    I guess my point is that its not enough to say “suicide is not an option” when there are no available mechanisms to dissuade it. In other advanced countries they have helplines, psychiatrists and health professionals specifically tailored for gay people. I can only hope one day we will have the same here.
    And I hope parents gradually come to understand what it means to be gay, its not a choice.

  3. Santa Diaba
    September 25, 07:21 Reply

    I’m sure someone out there needed to read this at this very moment. Bless your heart Sage ?

  4. Dimkpa
    September 25, 07:31 Reply

    I cringe whenever I see the statement ‘Suicide is not and should never be an option’. The reason is that I feel behind that statement is the attitude that whoever commits suicide is weak and stupid. It is dismissive of the struggle that has led someone to commit suicide and, in my opinion, lacks some empathy.

    No one commits suicide for kicks or to be popular. We all know how much we love life or hate dying because of the fear of hell (for those who believe that). No healthy person would commit suicide.

    Most of the time it results from depression which is a medical illness that has a high risk of suicide if not managed. If anyone commits suicide it is because the health system or their social system has failed to give them the required care. They are victims of an illness and poor care and not weak human beings. Our attitude should be of sympathy and not gloating over them and feeling smug in our own strength and ability to survive or think better than them.

    Bottom line is that depression is a mental illness and is an illness as real as malaria. Some estimate that sales of antidepressants is worth $19 billion a year. In more developed climes individuals get compensation for depression. That amount of money is spent because they realise it is a serious condition.

    So let’s stop with the ‘Suicide is never and should never be an option’ because it will be if people with depression don’t get the care they need.

  5. Jamie
    September 25, 07:44 Reply

    When depression comes, people have too much troubles to worry about to think about these advices given; nor do they really find a comforting enough figure to rely on. It’s just that shit happens all the time to balance the equation for positive and negative… That’s why even though I know it shouldn’t be anyone’s choice, I never blame them for it.
    This must have helped someone out there….thanks @Sage.

  6. Ace
    September 25, 07:59 Reply

    Anything that pushes a person to commit suicide must have eaten deep into the person psyche and that light at the end of the tunnel becomes the light of a train crushing them to their death. It takes balls to take your own life. I pray this speaks to someone today. Nice work sage.

  7. Chizzie
    September 25, 08:14 Reply

    People who are depressed spend alot of time thinking abt themselves and their situations. They let thier minds wonder without making any effort to control thier thoughts. Its not an easy thing, but we are responsible to scrutinize every thought that wards into our heads and not believe in everything that we think. Its hard for me to sympathize when suicides occur because I think to a large extent its a purely selfish and impulsive decision. I did have a suicidal phase in my life, because I believed every ridiculous notion that came into my head but I also never acted on it because I knew it would kill my mother.

    If you are feeling depressed, how about you stop thinking about yourself for a second , listen to a Kacey Musgraves song or better yet come visit where this NYSC ppl posted me and see how yoruba people live in extreme poverty but are still happy and content

    • ken
      September 25, 08:32 Reply

      Oh shut up!
      Sounding so condescending when you have no clue what they going through

    • Dimkpa
      September 25, 08:47 Reply

      If it was that easy to stop depression by ‘thinking’ properly, do you think all the resources spent on fighting it would be needed?
      Or do you think that you have some special wisdom that lots of mental health professionals and experts don’t?
      It beats me how people can think someone cab kill himself for fun or to harm someone else. Is it like cutting off one’s face to spite one’s face.
      I really think we should be more sympathetic than that.

  8. Teflondon
    September 25, 09:16 Reply

    In as much as I would love to agree with Dimpka, facts and all. My conclusion is that suicide is for the weak. And it’s extremely selfish of anyone to do that. There are stages in depression, just as there are stages in mental illness. To some extent I understand were Chizzie is coming from, depression don’t just come overnight.. It creeps in in stages and if we don’t do anything about it, then it eats deep into our being and then you may now consider it a sickness. We all have control of our thoughts and thinking, why would anyone let alone allow themselves to get to that level of depression were by they commit suicide. We have the power, the will if you like, if we are strong enough mentality I.e ( remember I said suicide is for the weak) to do something about our state of minds before it gets out of control. What I’m trying to say is.. People let go to reach that level of depression that can be considered illness. Why Let go? What happened to keep fighting? What happened to the basic human feeling of survival? We shouldn’t in anyways sympathize or unknowingly encourage suicide. It’s never an option.. if you are suicidal and you are reading this now. “SUICIDE IS FOR THE WEAK”
    Do not be decieved that you don’t have a choice or an option, that you are sick so it’s understanble when you commit suicide. NO! It’s not. It’s a selfish act.. Not to mention ( to those that believe in a supreme being) it’s a str8 ticket to hell, where you will Burn in a lake of fire for all of eternity. Think abt that and let it sink in.

    By the way Dimpka, I know you are very knowledgeable and all that but I know that you know that you don’t everything on all things. So next time don’t be saying that people don’t commit suicide for fun or to be popular. Go and do a research and you will see tones of cases where medically it was proven that mentally perfect beings engage in such scrupulous acts.

    • King Mufasa
      September 25, 10:05 Reply

      I really really do not like you. And I know you don’t care and you shouldn’t really care.

      But I just have to let it out, Just know that there’s one person that despises you out there. 🙁

      • Max
        September 25, 10:09 Reply

        Oh honey, he knows..

        btw, Long time. Come to bbm let’s catch up.

    • Khaleesi
      September 25, 10:13 Reply

      @teflondon, is it a crime to be weak? you’re strong!! yaaay!!! Go get a medal for your strength!! you & Chizzie the perfectly strong ones should go on being all condescending and judgmental, but just know that you sound extremely cruel and insensitive …

    • ronniephoenix
      September 26, 16:01 Reply

      @tef u are the most stupid bitch I have ever come across, u are stupid foolish just stupid bitch. I just can’t describe u right now.

      I just wish I could strangle u right now, then u would know how weak I am.

      U stupid bastard. Useless bitch!!!

      Useless bitch

  9. Keredim
    September 25, 09:33 Reply

    Hi Guys, please can I appeal to us all to be sensitive in our comments, whether we agree with all or parts of the post or not.

    Someone, out there has read or is reading the post and our comments and is thinking twice about suicide. That has got to count for something!!!!

    Re-affirming that they are weak or will face eternal damnation, may not help them. I know it’s tough love, but it has its place…

    So please decorum

    This shit is real.

    Thanks Sage. ????????

  10. Max
    September 25, 09:38 Reply

    Everyone wants to live. Every animal on earth constantly fights for survival in one or several ways. It takes a great deal of sadness, despair and agony for someone to consider death a better option than living.
    Suicide is no joke & I’ve come to realize that no two people are the same. It use to baffle me when people don’t/can’t control their thoughts and emotions like I do, but I’ve come to realize that its who they are, they just can’t help it.
    Sometimes we all need a little help from someone.

    Help a friend today.
    Stop suicide.

  11. Kristopher B!
    September 25, 09:39 Reply

    Continue to rest in peace Mr O. O. your death was an unexpected one. Sometimes I wonder what you would have achieved if you had stuck through the rough patch. I believe his mother was giving him an unhealthy dose of emotional blackmail. The night he passed on, he desperately wanted to watch figurine. . .and for some weird reason he adored the Lil Wayne’s song with Bruno Mars, About Mirror on the wall. NEVER MAKE SUICIDE AN OPTION

  12. Khaleesi
    September 25, 10:08 Reply

    For most gay men, especially those who come to realize their sexuality at a young and vulnerable age, depression is a constant companion which lurks and hovers closely in the background even on the brightest of days …
    It is extremely cruel to scoff at those who take their lives after succumbing to depression. Speaking from personal experience, it is an ongoing battle where you celebrate each small triumph cautiously because you realise that the next battle may turn out differently. Some of us need to show more empathy and understanding ….

  13. JustJames
    September 25, 13:24 Reply

    Lol.. If only depression and suicide are like malaria. You’d see the subtle signs like feeling weak or joint aches and you can take medicine quickly. But it’s not always like that. Something could happen. You could be pretty happy with all being right with the world then just a trigger and you start to spiral down that dark whirlpool.

    Try to sympathise with these people. It is possible to sympathise without condoning it.

    If you are depressed and you know it, go seek help. It’s bravery to admit it and go look for the necessary help. Talk to somebody you can trust to help you. Don’t let it spiral out of control.

    And I don’t see anywhere where it was mentioned that suicide is an option. To the sane mind it isn’t but to the depressed mind it is. That’s what needs to be fixed.

    You just simply cannot know what it’s like till it happens to you.

    And please there are clinical cases of depression and just regular depression that hits people normally. Unless you’ve been clinically depressed and bounced back I don’t see why you should call people who are depressed and contemplating suicide weak.

    And being suicidal isn’t necessary bring selfish. Thoughts can go along the lines of “nobody loves me, there’s no point living, I’m causing so much pain to my loved ones let me just remove myself from the equation so they’d feel better after all they’d just cry for a while and move on, mother said she’d rather I die than remain gay…”

    If you’re reading this and your train of thought is like the above just know that your death doesn’t end the pain.. It only leaves it behind for others to suffer it.

    As long as there is life there is hope. You need to believe that please. Please seek out help and keep fighting.

    • Chizzie
      September 25, 14:31 Reply

      There’s alot of I and Mes and Mys in the example you gave above which is precisely how the average person that is depressed thinks. Majority of their thoughts are centered around themselves, which is a selfish way of thinking.
      I’m not being insensitive or anything, but when the chips are down, a passive mind always yields depression. If anyone’s reading this and is depressed, then sympathy doesn’t solve anything. You need to stop allowing thoughts zoom into your head at will. The same Bible that condemns homosexuality, gives us tit bits on how to overcome depression,and it has nothing to do with prayer and fasting; It admonishes us to “…hold every thought captive”; Before you accept a thought as conclusive, you must first completely scrutinize it and be logical about it, gradually make a habit of this. You must also channel your thoughts into thinking positive things. Sometimes solving a puzzle helps, or reading a good book, or listening to uplifting songs, but the one thing that doesn’t help is sympathy so permit me for not coming across as sympathetic. I find that when I fall into certain moments of depression, I allow my mind to end up there, often times I enjoy the pity party I am having and might be too discouraged to think in a logical manner, but thats where encouraging songs help.

      You can choose to allow your thoughts weigh you down or you can choose to be happy. Ultimately the decision is yours

      • Keredim
        September 25, 15:03 Reply

        Yes Chizzie, that sounds like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. But remember not everyone has knowledge of its existence and methodology.

        Perhaps your message will be better received it was less abrasive…at least in this context ?

  14. Vhar.
    September 25, 15:34 Reply

    That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as he sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.
    The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.

    Some people do not understand this. They don’t understand how desperate some of us are to have someone say, “I love you and I support you just the way you are because you’re wonderful just the way you are”.

    They don’t understand that some of us can’t remember anyone ever saying that to us.

    I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them just so they’ll love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, immense myself with work late into the night or just be a recluse.

    Depression is all about “If you loved me, you would…”.
    Depression is all about “Let this pain seem purposeful…”.

    Learn to be perceptive.

  15. Bret Hart
    September 25, 18:15 Reply

    I don’t know. …I don’t really know what to say here…..I’ve never been depressed (I think) and I’ve never met a depressed person (maybe I never took notice)…….so It really makes the topic kinda difficult for me to talk about. ………. I’m a very emotional person, I get sad easily but there’s something that has always been my strength. …it’s the fact that I owe nobody my happiness not even God talk less of my parents. ……..I try my best to do what makes me happy…….I try not to hurt anyone in my pursuit of happiness and I hold every human dear but myself dearest…….I only get to live once and my happiness is non-negotiable. …
    I do my best to forget sad times , I remember the happy moments
    I don’t dream of myself riding the poshest cars, luxury houses…and stuffs…..i dream of myself being happy. ….
    I hope every depressed person out there starts being selfish when it comes to their happiness. …..it’s your prerogative. …….

    Happy days are here again

  16. Eugene
    September 25, 22:22 Reply

    Going tru a lot now pp, my family found out am gay and I just hope I pull through.

  17. ronniephoenix
    September 26, 15:53 Reply

    I would love to agree with you sage, but I can’t and will never.

    As a suicide survivor myself, I will tell the truth. People say suicide is not an option, there would be light at the end of the tunnel bla bla bla.

    But there isn’t. I am bipolar, I am gender nonconforming, I am sexuality nonconforming.

    I hate being me, I hate being alive.
    I just want all this to end, and if death will bring that comfort, then sign me up.

  18. Peak
    September 26, 23:17 Reply

    The time is 11:01pm, 26-09-15 and I just came around to catchup on all the post I ve missed or slept on all week. Of all the the offensive posts and comment I have gone through this week (3 already comes to mind) this one just takes the cake.

    @Sage, u tried it! U really did and lord in heaven knows I have nothing nice to say to you right now. You were making sense until ur went off the road in the 2nd to the last paragraph of this joke u wrote. Piece of advice, and this is coming from a good place, “stick to issues u know something about and leave the unknown to the professionals or ppl with real life experiences”

    To the clueless and attention whoring commenters, Hmmm……………….let me just let this slide cos u all aren’t worth the effort.

    @Vhar, James, Dimpka and Bret hart, don’t know if Y’all are going to see this, just want Y’all to know I see you u all. Thanks for shinning some light in this rat hole of a post.

    @ Keredim, dude I respect that u are trying to keep the peace, but lets face it, “Bullshit is Bullshit”

    @ Eugene, hope u pull through papi, just hang in there, it will blow through real soon.

  19. jephtah
    September 27, 00:47 Reply

    In my four years in UNN, that story was the worst thing that happened to me, because rumour was all over school that he committed suicide because he was using black magic for academic excellence(first class material na him die soo) and we that knew the truth couldn’t talk!!! Painful…yea! Our parents must start being supportive and understanding, than antagonistic. The average nigeriaan parent thinks parenting ends at provision (material ish) but hell No! I have in mind one day to establish an NGO, and nope, itss not to carter for the poor, or advocate for education, rather we would focus on teaching Nigerian youths how to be good, supportive parents when they finally get there! (if I talk as e dey my mind? Kitodiaries go full lol

    • Pink Panther
      September 27, 03:01 Reply

      *applauding jephtah* I pray you get the opportunity to establish that dream of yours.

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