ENTRIES OF MY HEART

ENTRIES OF MY HEART

Dear Diary,

I saw him today. He’d stopped by the window as I was trying to cram cases for my Law of Contract exam. He smiled at me, his lips stretching to show immaculate teeth that contrasted with his dark skin. I stopped and gave him a tentative wave, I didn’t return the smile. I saw the light go out of his eyes. The smile faltered for a few minutes, as if he was unsure, then his eyes flitted over my books, and when it was obvious that I wasn’t going to get up from my seat, he went ahead.

I should confess, I really did more than see him, because at the sight of him, my heart had begun beating erratically in my chest, like the sound made by those children who played drums in our compound, discordant sounds that had neither finesse nor grace, and yet somehow provided some sort of melody. You see, whenever I see him, I want to run to him and put my head on his chest to hear if his heart provided a response to the rhythm in my heart, like a call and response. I want to hold his hand and just swing them back and forth and skip along to imaginary beats. I want to tell him that the day I read Arinze Ifeakandu’s God’s Children Are Little Broken Things, I imagined the story was about us, without the sad ending. I imagined we shared that kind of love – flowery, rosy and everything in between. I imagined us living in the world Chibuihe Obi painted, a world where the sky is blue and love is love and we dare to think the impossible

But I am very careful because this longing is heavy, greedy even. I am careful else the weight of my longing would consume me. For the kind of love I want is not the kind that comes in drips and drops, the one I have to stick out my tongue and put my nose to the window to feel.

I want love in gulps and swallows, a rushing into my throat that overwhelms me, consumes me. I want to be swept off my feet. I want the kind of love that cuddles and gives for the sake of giving. I have been told that in my world, this love is not possible, that we are of them that want quick fixes and Grindr dates, and because I want more than what is available, I begin to find a way to disbelieve me and stack them away in the box, dream impossible.

I know I am supposed to step out of the shadows and try, at least. I am aware that hiding in the dark in the easy thing to do. It is also the cowardly thing. However, I know that beyond here is the risk of sunburn and heartbreak. I know that each time I go through the slippery slope of breakup, I lose a piece of myself, and that after, I have to go through the tedium of dragging myself on and gathering my broken pieces to begin the process of mending again. The scars are still healing and although this place comes with the risk of loneliness and wishes, I stay.

So fear kept me in my seat when I saw him today, glued me to the spot so I didn’t go out to meet him. Apart from the fear of being hurt again, being damaged irreparably, there is also the fear that I may actually have it all, that he may be the one. And that is even more terrifying. For what am I to do with love if it comes, if it finds me?

Those are a lot of issues and I am still processing.

So the next time he comes, I am still going to smile at him and pretend not to notice how he flirts with me. I will make excuses for not reading with him and pretend, act like I do not really know what his poems are about. I will look at potential happiness and carefully sidestep.

Or not

Dear Diary, I may yet die a lonely old man.

Jo.

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20 Comments

  1. Mandy
    March 19, 06:45 Reply

    Its one thing to not seek love becos you don’t believe in it. It’s another to not seek love because you’re afraid of getting hurt. Everything will kill you in this world. Must we then, becos we fear death, hide away and stop living? No. We take on life and hope that by the time death comes, we’ve lived enough to last a lifetime.
    So it is with love too. Embrace possibilities. Court the opportunities. Seize every chance to be in love. And if heartbreak comes, it comes. You mend and go back out there.

    • Hush
      March 19, 07:51 Reply

      Dude…. Always d 1st to comment. Do u live here or something?! ?

      • Mandy
        March 19, 09:54 Reply

        Oga, do yourself a favour. Come here, drop your comments, learn a thing or two, and move on. Don’t be a monitoring spirit. That’s one sure way to lose your happiness.

        And now I’m finished acknowledging you. Go forth and be merry with your relevance.

  2. Nautie
    March 19, 08:14 Reply

    I have been in relationships where I give my all cuz i wanna make it count. But no matter hard i try the breakups kept coming. I was devastated quite alright but not discouraged. I learnt from them and I came out stronger and better. I wanted to feel loved again but was not desperate.if i had given up long time ago.. I would have missed my current guy. Never give up on love. You see any guy you like and he likes you too, go after him no time to waste but carry your brain along with you Sha

  3. Mazi
    March 19, 10:38 Reply

    Like everything you’ve ever had, he’ll eventually leave especially if he’s as radiant as you described him to be.
    But, why dont you live for this moment and savour all he has to offer. You’ll be experienced eventually and this will also improve your résumé of love and boys and everything in between.

    • Pink Panther
      March 19, 10:54 Reply

      …this will improve your resume of love and boys and everything in between.
      ????? Word!

  4. Nel
    March 19, 16:26 Reply

    Do you find love or does it find you?

    ?
    T.O.L

  5. dizzyboy
    March 19, 21:52 Reply

    After every break up I tell myself no more… I ain’t falling in love again cos it so painful falling out of love… but den just as I will be minding my own business my heart will just be catching feeling for another person and I end up repeating the same circle…. now am in another crazy relationship.. am so crazy in love with him… don’t know or don’t care how it will end… but I will live each moment as if it’s my last… am gonna lavish my love on him as he has done me… I love u bae…
    yes he is gonna read dis cos he introduced me to dis blog recently… lol

  6. Bonaparte
    March 19, 22:56 Reply

    This speaks truth.The fear of having it all can be crippling. The thing is just that some of us yearn for love but refrain from chasing it so as to remain unhurt.Not everyone can hold up under a heartbreak or emotional hurt

  7. Bonaparte
    March 19, 22:56 Reply

    This speaks truth.The fear of having it all can be crippling. The thing is just that some of us yearn for love but refrain from chasing it so as to remain unhurt.Not everyone can hold up under a heartbreak or emotional hurt

  8. Bryce
    March 20, 09:13 Reply

    Some find/get love,rich and fulfilling,yet despoil it cos they don’t know what to do with it.
    They push it away,by their actions,misdeeds/mistakes,yet feel so broken and empty when it’s gone.

    I still wonder at that,people wanting or needing love,getting it,yet destroy it first chance they get.

    • Nuel
      March 20, 19:25 Reply

      @ Bryce I’m guilty as charged…. Dunno how I manage to ruin perfect relationship still baffles me. @ JO, y nt enjoy the moment wit this fella b4 one girl will na comma take his attention and d plot of ur story will na change….

      • Bryce
        March 20, 22:30 Reply

        You’ll get another chance.
        Make the best out of it.

  9. Jide
    March 20, 11:00 Reply

    Find me somebody to love!!

  10. Jo
    March 20, 15:11 Reply

    If you are in Enugu, why not? *winkzz*

  11. Dana Opal
    March 23, 12:33 Reply

    Beautiful piece.

    First time commenting.

    Well done Kito Diaries

    • Pink Panther
      March 23, 15:52 Reply

      Welcome Dana. We hope your commenting is here to stay. 😀

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