First Quarterly Review: Lessons From Kito Diaries

First Quarterly Review: Lessons From Kito Diaries

So there I was, minding my own business, when I get a Facebook IM from PP asking me, in his inimitable school teacher fashion, why I hadn’t commented on KD for over a month? I replied that being a paid-up Christian, I had to give up something for Lent. (You know this International hoe business; one needs a higher power (sometimes powers) of protection. So many dangers out there – PrEP, MGM…)
But PP wasn’t having any of it. He immediately demanded that I submit a summary of what I have learned in the last three months on KD! I found that quite audacious, but I relented because there is a certain Je nais sais quoi about PP when he puts on an authoritative act.
I am not surprised he doesn’t respect Lent. Not just because he is the Illuminati, but also because on KD:

1. Being Gay And Christian Are Not Compatible.
This is the sequel to the lesson learned last year about the only religion in Nigeria being Christianity. The second module goes a step further and teaches that Christianity is only reserved for heterosexuals. Any homosexual who also identifies as Christian is not only a bona fide religitard, but is also deluded and has sucked on one too many opium pipes. In Nigeria especially in KDville, there is no such thing as a gay Christian. You are either gay or Christian. Both are mutually exclusive.
Why?
Well firstly, this irrefutable fact all hinges again on the few well-worn bible verses used by Christian homophobes condemning “men sleeping with men, they way they sleep with women”.
Secondly, Christianity is not backed by any logic, historic and anthropologic evidence. Probably because there are no social media posts showing God or His Son, Jesus Christ playing football in the garden or pressing the flesh.
Thirdly, life is absolute. It’s Black or White. No shades of grey. (Gay) Christians must be Christ-like, in behaviour and appearance. Well that means Yours Truly is done. (I can barely float in water, let alone walk on it. I can’t rock a white flowing gown. I can’t wear blue contact lens and I am not putting my skin through commercial skin dermabrasion to look white.)
The gay Christians on KD have asked those whose heads start spinning round like the dummy in the horror film The Exorcist when they hear the word “Christianity”, what religious doctrine or deity to follow. As being brain frazzled from the opium we smoke, we need something to believe in. We are still waiting for a response like Nigerian pensioners waiting for payment at the National Pension commission.
We also asked, during one of our lucid moments, why there was so much angst against Christianity. Was it a hatred of God or just the way Nigerian (?) Christians practise the religion. Still no response.
We pray that when our questions are answered, the doctrine/deity proposed will be void of hatred and judgement that they say Christianity stands for. Because going by the rhetoric spewed by, for want of a better phrase, the KD Anti-Christ are doing the exact same thing they claim Christianity stands for.
It would be interesting to know what the KD Anti-Christ screams when they are faced with danger – say in a car accident. Or when they do get round to having sexual intercourse (ugh), what they exclaim during climax.
Religion (aka Christianity) is to blame for the tenacious nature of gay relationships in Nigeria – second only to Internalised Homophobia (IH) of course. And for a relationship to stand a better chance of survival, it has to be between atheists.
As the only example of such a gay relationship on KD is still very much in its honeymoon phase, we think it would be prudent to monitor the relationship for a bit longer, say 12 months, before switching to atheism.
So its back the opium den for now.

2. Gays Can Now Legally Exist In Nigeria
I think this is a closely guarded secret and only a handful of gays know that the fight for gay equality and freedom is over in Nigeria.
How so?
Well firstly, around the beginning of the year, someone stood on a steel reinforced pedestal, after boasting about their over-200 (fictional) sexcapades with paid lowlifes, and proclaimed that all KDians should reveal their identity and make themselves known.
Therefore I can only assume that the speaker belongs to a select group of well fed connected Nigerians who know of a law passed to protect gays in Nigeria from prosecution and mob attack. However for some reason, KDians being the jaded lot that they are, have not taken up the clarion call. Rather they looked the speaker from head to toe and gave a collective hiss and “Just negodu”, before going back to sipping their tea.
Secondly, seeing as LGBT people are now free to roam the streets, the virtual Nigerian LGBT association (at least on KD) is being wound down systematically. While our western counterparts are still discussing whether to drop Transgender (T) from the LGBT movement, we cut to the chase and did it in true dictator fashion and summarily dropped “T” from LGBT. (Has anyone heard from Ronnie Phoenix since January?)
Then as soon as it was announced that there would be a Lesbian (L) series on KD, the idea was shot down quicker than a couple of Russian fighter jets straying into Turkish airspace. This was done with such MAXimum efficiency, that even the Turkish military took notes.
Bisexuals (B) thought they had a reprieve as I suggested in my last post, but alas they were wrong. They are mostly MGMs, and a few weeks ago, KD-admin’s computer was hacked. A post sent in for publication and rejected in 2014 due to its controversial nature, was published on KD by the hackers. The post highlighted the emotional damage MGM cause and the sexual health risk they pose to the gay community. Since that post, no week has gone by without MGM getting blamed for everything wrong with nation from General Buhari not being able to deliver the “Changi” he promised during his campaign to the devaluation of the Naira by stealth – because ONLY MGM have an infinite capacity for deception. Tufiakwa!!! Umu Ekwensu!!!
However, like a Jewish state effectively defending its territory, MGM are defending their existence and responding to every ludicrous missive sent their way, with Colossal derision and Sensei-tional aptitude, with each response landing suitably.
The ultra fascist gay wing of KD however has demanded that MGM submit a report detailing their affairs in order to determine whether to extend their tenancy within the fold or not. We don’t know when the report will be submitted as no deadline was set, but we are hopeful one will be submitted soon.

3. Tops Lubricate
This is the sequel to the roles lesson from in my last post. In addition to the Top paying for dinner and the bills, the Nigerian Bottoms have decreed that though either party may provide condoms, the Top must provide the lubricant if he wants to fuck. He must have different types of lubricants (Water and Silicon based) and high value brands available for the Bottom to choose from, or no fucking. I guess this is what is meant by Bottom Power (aka self-entitlement).

4. KD Is Influential In Hollywood.
KDians had Hollywood in a tizzy. In the wake of #OscarSoWhite and in the typical Nigerian spirit of drinking another person’s panadol – How else would you explain Buhari condemning the Brussels terror attacks, whilst keeping shtum about the daily terror attacks in his backyard? – KDians decreed that from now on, any movie without black actors in it is a flop. On hearing this, Stephen Spielberg recast Schindler’s List: The Reunion to include Morgan Freeman in the lead role. As if that wasn’t enough, we backdated the decree to 1929 when the first Academy Award was held. So films like Blue Angel, The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Titanic and The Godfather, to mention but a few, are now regarded as flops.
I also learned that Will Smith must be gay, because he is black and gave a critically acclaimed performance in Six Degrees Of Separation, in which he convincingly played a gay guy. Meanwhile Zachary Quinto and Matt Bomer are still gay, despite playing straight roles. Maybe it’s because they are white?

5. No Good Turn Goes Unpunished.
A KDian assumed the role of animal human rights activist and spoke up in defence of another KDian banned from commenting. This KDian was banned for a reason. However, the activist fought a very strong battle; so spirited and eloquent was his speech, Amal Clooney sent him a congratulatory note and offered her husband up for one night only.
KD-admin caved in and the ban was lifted. But after a few weeks of back-patting and chest-beating by both activist and client, the client inexplicably created an incision in the upper region of the activist’s back using a sharp knife. Then he proceeded to pull the knife down to the base of the spine. To ensure that the activist was duly incapacitated, the client went on to throw the now-almost lifeless body under a bus.
It was gory. It was sinful. Thankfully the activist recovered and put the client back in his cage.
Sometimes activists can’t see beyond the good they do. Sometimes they should just let sleeping dogs lie because they just might turn around and bite you. No good turn goes unpunished.

6. Not All Gay People Should Have Sex.
Poor gay folks in Lagos shouldn’t have sex especially if they live in Ikotun, Ejigbo, Agbado, etc. If they must, they should do so quietly. Rich gay folks on the other hand who live in affluent areas like Lekki, Victoria Island, Banana Island, etc can have wild and noisy sex preferably in front of floor-to-ceiling windows so that their neighbours can see them.
There is also a well researched list and therefore authoritative list of areas in Lagos where the likelihood of being kitoed is very high. This list is especially helpful to visitors who want to explore the Lagos gaybourhood. There are plans to roll out a similar list for the whole of Nigeria, but we can tell you now: Don’t bother going to Sokoto! It is as dry as it looks in pictures. Nothing-nothing for guys!

There were other things I learned that time will not permit me to share with great detail. For example:
1. When a celebrity defends himself against unfounded allegations, he is definitely guilty of the allegations.
2. Sam Smith’s career has been decimated because he talks about his sexuality when asked during interviews.
3. IH is still endemic in Nigeria, and those who can detect it are actually the patient zero of the disease.
4. There are no pictures on the Internet depicting black gay couples celebrating Valentines’ Day.
5. Good nutritionists are hard to find in exercise groups in Port Harcourt. (Beer and pizza after exercise? Haba!)
6. In a gay relationship, the younger person tends to be the confused tenuous one, while the older person tends to be the stable crazy in love.

On that note, have a very happy Easter.

Submitted by Keredim

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44 Comments

  1. Mandy
    March 26, 10:10 Reply

    Hahahahahahahahahahahaa!!! Good Lord! All the puns that were unintended, half tended and full tended, the sarcasm, blowing my mind. This Keredim, you’re devious. So u just keep kwayet and be observing us eh? Chai!

  2. Max 3.0 Virtuoso
    March 26, 10:21 Reply

    For an old street walker, your poor attempt at throwing multiple shades through sarcasm was badly delivered. I simply wasn’t impressed by it.

    Try again next quarter sir!! When #FightingForRelevance week comes up..

    • Pink Panther
      March 26, 10:29 Reply

      Was ‘an old street walker’ supposed to be an example of a perfectly delivered shade?

        • Pink Panther
          March 26, 10:37 Reply

          Oh my bad. I forgot. You were just telling it as it is, seeing as you’re a bastion of facts and truths.

            • Pink Panther
              March 26, 13:00 Reply

              I didn’t say I was a beacon. But its a nice try, trying to deflect. That is after all what you’re good at. Deflecting when it comes down to showing how true your substance is.

      • Mitch
        March 26, 10:33 Reply

        *grabs popcorn, puts on 3D glasses and settles for a proper KD bitch fest*

    • keredim
      March 27, 16:41 Reply

      “#FightingForRelevance”

      Rich coming from a guy who changes his moniker every 2 months…??

    • daleen
      April 08, 17:15 Reply

      why cant people dump dia bad bele in the well before reading KD? me found it hilarious o. was a good read

  3. Mitch
    March 26, 10:22 Reply

    Merely seeing the beginning, I knew it was Keredim. Tueh! This guy’s sarcasm game is at it’s Peak.

    Beht Kere, abeg stop the disappearing act. Your biting and caustic take on issues is very much needed and welcome here. Biko!

  4. Jon Snow
    March 26, 10:29 Reply

    Keredim you see why you won’t make heaven???
    So much darkness in one post… *groping in the dark, searching for the light switch*

  5. KingBey
    March 26, 11:36 Reply

    I saw what you did with the Exercise, pizza and beer. Lawd ! ???

    • Django
      March 26, 12:10 Reply

      WTF did I just read? Save me o lawd ?????

  6. Marc Francis of Chelsea
    March 26, 11:58 Reply

    So much wit. Loved this. I must’ve missed the activist drama. I’ve found that repressed groups tend to repress others when given the chance. It makes them feel above and in power. That’s the logic I apply to the fascists amongst us.

    As for poor gays and sex, I think it’s just about them being careful. You can’t afford a hotel and you don’t have your own place, I get it. But don’t go fucking in a store or somewhere people could possibly catch you. As a friend to look out if you absolutely must.

    As for kito happening in certain areas, I would link that to poverty and unemployment. The guys carrying out the Kito in these areas are probably unemployed looking for their next meal. Facts are facts. If a guy is living with his parents in Lekki, it’s not in their house he’ll be kito-ing people. If he has his own place, he’s probably working to pay bills and doesn’t have time for kito. Not saying this is absolute, but that’s how I imagine it.

  7. bruno
    March 26, 12:04 Reply

    sarcasm is indeed the lowest form of wit

  8. Greg
    March 26, 12:59 Reply

    say what???? lmao!multiple killer shots fired! lmao!i just kent deal! i Kent!! hahahahaha! MAXimum laughter today! some bear and pizza will do too..lol

  9. Kenny
    March 26, 13:58 Reply

    Lol I knew this was Keredim from the beginning. And that bit about the activist being stabbed in the back, it was Sinnex and Teflondon. I remember it perfectly. Keredim even said ‘who needs Netflix when you have KD’ that day???

  10. Dimkpa
    March 26, 14:04 Reply

    I think it is laughable that anyone tries to defend religion and tries to disguise it as logical or claim it has historical or anthropological evidence. This is because the very essence of religions like Christianity is faith which is believing without evidence. Jesus himself said blessed us he who believes without seeing extolling such illogical world view.
    I would invite the writer of this piece to provide the evidence that all species on earth were housed in a wooden boat for up to 150 days and yet all came out whole and the lion did not eat the goat. From that story all species of every kind of animals e.g. all types of dogs, cats etc must have been on that boat otherwise they would not exist as evolution is not true based on the Bible.
    What evidence would be provided for the sun standing still for a day so Joshua can win a war. Not only does that make the unscientific assumption that the sun revolves round the earth, it would mean that the earth would stop rotating and going by my limited knowledge of physics there would have been no gravity and the consequences would have been dire.
    These are just two examples and the Bible is littered with them from the ridiculous to the absurd.
    It is the Bible that deals in absolutes. “No one with a spot shall enter the kingdom of God.”
    I have something against religion and a lot of the arguments have been made by much greater minds than mine. I invite anyone interested to read books or watch debates on these issues on YouTube by either Sam Harris, Christopher Hitches or Richard Dawkins. You will learn the immorality of teachings like ‘Take no thought for tomorrow’ and how the Catholic Church teaches that ‘AIDS’ may be bad but not as bad as using condoms’, a teaching that has caused many to contract the disease. The pitiful thing is that in his last visit to East Africa some were hoping the Pope, a fellow man like them, would relax this teaching before they will do what is good for them.
    I know I must sound like a broken record now but anyone that needs something to believe can believe in golden fairies that ride on rainbow tailed unicorns because there is just as much evidence for their existence as there is for that of God.
    I must say I hope these reviews don’t become a thing because I think it is an insult on the collective sensibilities of the people who try to find meaning and learn in this blog by reducing months of genuine discourse to this…

    • Francis
      March 26, 14:09 Reply

      It is the Bible that deals in absolutes. “No one with a spot shall enter the kingdom of God.”

      Funny enough I was just thinking about this a few minutes ago. How absolutely no one would make heaven if being spotless was the way in. Even the good ol’ Pope himself.

    • bruno
      March 26, 14:34 Reply

      i think you are seriously awesome for this comment.

    • Law
      March 27, 11:50 Reply

      Dimkpa U cudnt av said it much better. Putting aside the fun part of this post (sacarsm) this review insults our intelligence. As a basis for the three months intellectual discourse on issues affecting our personal lives…. Therefore reducing it to this summary is uncalled for. By the way where is Ronnie?

    • keredim
      March 27, 16:34 Reply

      Dimkpa Di Anyi,

      You do realise the article was satirical? You didn’t have to break out the text books to kill the humour.

      Like Ambivalentone said further down:

      “A bleak existence is one without laughter.”

      Peace…

  11. ambivalentone
    March 26, 15:06 Reply

    Bwahahahaha. I caught my shade and even was a passer-by when the Trailer jammed the others. Oloshi ni e, bobo yi. Well done. Lol

  12. chuck
    March 26, 15:06 Reply

    Y’all just defend the right of MGMs to lie and cheat sha. It’s like the price of admission to your group.

    • Mitch
      March 26, 15:26 Reply

      Seriously get your head outta your ass already. I don’t like the idea of MGM but I’m mature enough *emphasis on MATURE* to realize that my reality isn’t another person’s reality. I’m evolved enough to know that, while getting married to a woman isn’t something I want to ever do, there are some gay men whose happiness remains incomplete without a wife in the equation. I may dislike the fact that they cheat despite the vow of fidelity they took but I equally realize that I’ve got no right whatsoever to pontificate on the life of another individual, no matter how much I want to.

      We scream at the world, “Live and let live” yet amongst ourselves we can’t do the same thing. Hypocrisy: that’s what it’s called.

      • chuck
        March 26, 15:57 Reply

        I won’t respond to your insult because I don’t relate on that level.

        Do you think being homosexual deprives us of the right to point out ills in society? Cheating on your wife with a man or woman is disrespectful. Why do you beat around the bush and try to make that disrespect a matter of personal opinion? Do you also think criticizing corrupt officials is pontification?

        Like I’ve mentioned previously, not all deviances are equally legitimate. MGMs are free to cheat, and we are free to tell them why it’s disrespectful to do so.

    • ambivalentone
      March 26, 15:59 Reply

      Chuck dearest, relax. Its his opinion AND it was satirical. I hope you are not too much of a grouch to recognise humor for what is. Laughing won’t change the fact that I think Cheats are still the scum of the earth. A bleak existence is one without laughter.

      • chuck
        March 26, 16:07 Reply

        Some parts were funny, yeah. I just thought it was more important to emphasize that cheating is disrespectful, since Keredim’s rejoinder was providing cover for some to think it was OK.

  13. JustJames
    March 26, 16:08 Reply

    Everyone on kd has issues. I have issues, you have issues, pinky has issues and so does mitch and delle and kere and colossus and sensei. Do we agree? Yes? Can we move on now?

    I’m not sure if I’m the only one noticing the big bad world out there that won’t mind slaughtering us since we’ve decided to pick on trivial issues like who married who, who worships what or who, who is sleeping with what or who cause in the end it won’t matter as our throats are slit or family abandons us.

    The above things matter yes but we’ve exaggerated their importance faaaaar too much. What should be important is that we have accepted ourselves as lgbt and are willing to fight to whatever degree for our freedom.

    A house divided within itself cannot stand.

    And don’t forget.. you can disagree with something without needing to be a bitch about it. It shows you have some level of maturity and tolerance.

  14. Kester
    March 26, 17:38 Reply

    Thoroughly enjoyed this keredim and you echoed my thoughts on some issues many of us blow out of proportion. But we are a family I believe, with a common denominator so we should all learn to share opinions without being such a big bad bitch about it.
    OAN :we should really look for ronnie, where is she?
    The lesbian series should continue please
    Stop persecuting PP
    Be human
    #kereistheguyoftheweek

  15. Regal Sweetheart
    March 27, 03:50 Reply

    KD-Admin’s computer was hacked? When? How? When was the….which article was it? Warris going on in this here community – Someone epp me.

    • ambivalentone
      March 27, 09:19 Reply

      That’s how it wee happen true true and u wee just be dere screaming ‘epp me!!!’. Ki ni ise e naa? *unlooks*

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