FUCK LOVE

FUCK LOVE

Nine years ago, while I was in Kano doing my youth service, I was asked to come back home to Lagos because my twin sister was in the hospital and they had no idea what the matter was with her. I hurried to Lagos to see that my sister was a ghost of herself. She was so thin, pale and drawn; the only smile she gave me throughout my stay at her side was when I arrived. Her time in the hospital was split between staring at the ceiling, crying and sleeping. She refused to eat, hence her skinniness, and so the hospital had her on drips constantly.

She was a mess. Why was this so? Well, my twin sister was depressed because her boyfriend had ditched her.

This was a man who she was rest assured that she would spend the rest of her life with. Two years down the drain and she didn’t know how to start living without him. And the reason he gave for the breakup? Nothing! He simply wanted space.

We spent three weeks in that hospital with my sister, but there was really nothing wrong with her but a broken heart. I didn’t realize depression was a reason to admit someone into the hospital until then.

That experience taught me everything I needed to know about love. And so let me just say it – FUCK LOVE!

I came to this realization very early in my life, so I think I’m fine. But I have friends who are diehard romantics. They dream of the perfect husband, white picket fences, two and a half kids, the whole shebang. Some of my friends have dreams filled with rainbows, gold dust and candy floss. These are men who have pretty amazing hearts, they would give anything for the men they are with. But as it is with life, they get their good hearts handed back to them in smithereens. They become victims of the stupid and confused men they unfortunately take into their lives. These stupid and confused men abound everywhere, and it is time they get their act together.

Boy meets boy, boy and boy have a spark, boy tells boy that he’s cute, boy blushes, boy tells boy that he also thinks he’s cute, and they are both happy. Throw in a couple of dates, movies, lunches and dinners, hot sex, and boy and boy decide to start a relationship. Relationship begins, they are in the honeymoon phase, loving every minute of it, honeymoon ends, reality sets in, the fights and struggles, but because they are in the same boat, they will fight to make it through…

Or so one of them thinks.

Suddenly, in this relationship, we have Lover Boy and Confused Boy. Lover Boy is the one who loves unconditionally. He will fight and argue and shout, but there’s no doubt where his heart lies. He’s always thinking of ways to make his partner happy, always looking to keep the spark in their relationship. In most cases, he’s the older one, the one who has seen it all and has decided to settle down. He’s the one who had most of his friends shouting that he was making a mistake settling with that guy, but because he knew what he saw and what he wanted, he threw caution to the wind and dived in, without a care in the world. He was that sure.

Then Confused Boy, probably younger, still getting his shit together, a nice guy in most cases, still going through the processes where he has to decide what he wants for himself, obviously sees something in Lover Boy and agrees to be with him. Then suddenly, he’s made the decision, and now he’s not sure anymore. Was he too hasty? Did he think this through? Some days he loves Lover Boy, other days he wants to run away. He really is too confused.

One day, his confusion gets to the peak and he wants out, but he doesn’t know how to tell Lover Boy. Why? Because Lover Boy doesn’t do anything that is so terrible to warrant a shouting match and then a breakup. So he changes his attitude towards Lover Boy, does not call or text as often, doesn’t visit as often; even when he visits, he is so cold and distant.

At this point, Lover Boy should have taken a clue, but he absolutely refuses to read the signs. Then, Lover Boy makes a silly mistake and – boom! – Confused Boy wants out. He hinges the breakup on the mistake made by Lover Boy, then after a while, he realizes that it is really unfair to blame Lover Boy for everything and decides to give him an ‘’It’s not you, it’s me’’ speech, and then goes on and on about how they could still be friends and how he still wants him in his life. And because Lover Boy is blind and hopeful that they can mend fences and get things back on track, he agrees. They still call and text each other and life goes on as usual, except they are no longer boyfriends. Lover Boy is stuck in a cage where he can’t express his hurt and true feelings, but has to brace up and smile whenever Confused Boy is in the vicinity. Not an ideal situation, but one that he has to bear because he is in love and still wants his man back.

Different people find themselves in different situations when it comes to love, but I’ve realized that because of the Nigerian mentality, where almost all relationships have a time span, Nigerian men never take gay relationships serious. It is tiring when you see your good friends, who you feel deserve better, go into relationships with fucked-up losers, treat them like kings, get dumped and still make excuses for these buffoons.

No one can force anyone into a relationship, but if you do decide to be in one, please go in for all the right reasons and treat the other person right. You don’t bail at the first sign of trouble and you really should not leave someone hanging without giving a proper reason. No one deserves that kind of uncertainty in their lives. If you’re lucky enough to find a good man, keep him and make him as happy as he makes you. Put him first the way he puts you first. If he makes you the king of his world, he deserves the same thing in return. Personally, I think love is bullshit, but there are still good men out there. If you want to fuck, say you want to fuck; don’t deceive anyone into believing you’re as into him as he is into you, and then bail on him.

For those who truly love each other, relationships are not rosy in any way. If you love each other, I would think that one of the perks of being together is pulling each other through trying times, not running off at the first sign of trouble. How can things change for gay people in Nigeria when our mentalities have refused to change? If you believe in love, then stick with it. Don’t dabble and then wreck hearts along the line and suddenly realize love isn’t for you when you were the one who did all the damage, in the process ruining good men who can be husbands to other good men in the future. If you want to be a fuck-boy, by all means be one. Fuck the whole federation and then some, but make it clear to whomever you’re with that you’re just there for the dick or ass, no strings attached. Don’t be a douchebag, know what you want and what side you belong to and stay there.

This post is dedicated to all the Lover Boys who have loved Confused Boys and gotten their hearts broken, especially my dear friends Pink Panther and Lothario who are nursing broken hearts presently. I don’t mean to bring your businesses out in public but I want to use this forum to beg you both, please don’t close your hearts to love. You two give me hope that one day there will be a good man who will be mine and will love me and make me the happiest man on earth. Stay strong!

P.S: PP, leave this post the way I wrote it, no edits whatsoever. It’s an angry post, and like angry sex, the rage behind it must be felt by whoever it’s directed at.

P.P.S: Lothario, you know I have mad love for you, sweetie, it’s time to move on!

Written by Turquoise Hibiscus

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Previous It's Not Irresponsible to Like Bareback Sex
Next The Book ‘Sex And Lagos City’ Is On Sale

About author

You might also like

Our Stories 15 Comments

SHOW ME THE HOLE

I’d been chatting with this guy that I met via 2go. We’d exchanged nudes; I’m comfortable with my body, so I have no qualms sending nudes. He sent his nudes;

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Our Stories 55 Comments

You Can’t Save Them All

You can’t save them all. It’s not for a lack of trying, because you actually do try. You try to be a good friend. You try to always be there,

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Editor's Desk 1Comments

#HowIResist Campaign 8

I want to say (because I study medicine and I know) that gay people aren’t sick. If they are, they are only in the way ALL humans are sick, flawed

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

56 Comments

  1. Shar
    February 29, 07:02 Reply

    I love you for this post bae *blows kiss* good mornin hun. and remember You are greatly loved and admired @PP, you too Lothario luv. Love will eventually win trust me I know.

  2. Pink Panther
    February 29, 07:05 Reply

    Disclaimer: I’d like to state categorically that I’m not heartbroken o! I may have recently suffered a bruise. But nothing that has me considering seeing a therapist. 🙂 Turqouise Hibiscus, you and I are going to have a serious talk about this!

  3. Eggsy
    February 29, 07:07 Reply

    “Nigerian men never take gay relationships serious.”

    This is true. Yet again the Nigerian gay scene is in its infancy. Chuck full of young, warm blooded idiots (myself inclusive), and we’ve not had the years of refinement and sensitisation and…history our American counterparts have. So you are more likely to get the “I belong to everybody and I belong to nobody” mentality. That and the nasty, jesus-kill-them-with-satan’s-pitchfork “game” mentality. “How long have you been in the game?” GAG!

    But that’s no excuse, sha. I’d say give it time but it’s really hurting a lot of people that are genuinely gay and not looking for the high score in Super Man-rio Hoes. Obi has to grow up sometime.

  4. Kenny
    February 29, 07:07 Reply

    I ended a relationship recently with an older guy, I was Lover boy and he was confused boy with a truckload of IH and opium fumes in his head (the Muslim brand). The relationship was toxic and I was unhappy so I had to get out of it. What’s my point? The younger guys aren’t always the confused boys, some older guys come with baggage.

    • Delle
      February 29, 10:52 Reply

      Of course you were Lover Boy. See them giving tags to themselves. Lol

      • Kenny
        February 29, 11:48 Reply

        You’ve been noticed! Welcome back.

        • Delle
          February 29, 12:13 Reply

          Lol…by you? Thanks anyway

    • Xavier
      February 29, 11:30 Reply

      I concur. Loads of older confused guys out there in the gaybourhood a

  5. Mandy
    February 29, 07:08 Reply

    ‘Don’t dabble and then wreck hearts along the line and suddenly realize love isn’t for you when you were the one who did all the damage, in the process ruining good men who can be husbands to other good men in the future. If you want to be a fuck-boy, by all means be one. Fuck the whole federation and then some, but make it clear to whomever you’re with that you’re just there for the dick or ass, no strings attached. Don’t be a douchebag, know what you want and what side you belong to and stay there.’

    Preach, Turquoise Hibiscus! PREACH!!!

  6. KingBey
    February 29, 07:10 Reply

    You are angry indeed. May the good Lord give you and anyone out there who’s searching for true love their perfect soul mate. *hugs*

  7. prince
    February 29, 07:20 Reply

    I love this.You nailed it real well.

  8. DI-NAVY
    February 29, 07:42 Reply

    Everyone has been hurt and taken for granted by douche bags. Yes, that doesn’t stop us from loving and living again. Let me take myself for an example. I have loved in the past, yes! And I walked out of it cos he hurt me real bad. I never wanted to love again, and I didn’t take any man for granted nor put out the aggression on him. Most times we are the cause of our hrt break. Some of us want that perfect spec that fell from the moon forgetting to give that cool guy next door who seem to care abt us a chance. But due to the fact that we are bent on dating that eye candy who’s our spec! We end up getting shattered! Yes! Nigerian men don’t take gay relationship so serious, let’s not generalise issues here! It’s not all men! But some. We get decieved by foreign tabloids a lot, yes, it’s legalised there but the height of promiscuity over there ccan put u to tears! Men shatter hrts and move on to the next target! Loads of white men abroad are lonely and hrt broken. So it’s just everywhere. Not only in Nigeria. Sometimes when you pray to God for a soul-mate. He sure will answer you. Love and sex isn’t enough to keep that guy you want to spend the rest of your life with but God and prayers can. So hunnay, never allow anger or disppointment make you miss out on the opportunity in loving again. First of all, love urself so much to assure yourself that u deserve better. Everyone needs love no matter how we try to wear a poka face. I never stopped believing in love. Never had, never will. So may the Good lord grant us our hrt desire by channelling us to that right guy meant for us. He might be that guy u’ve been ignoring his dm for mnths! He might be that guy u’re busy giving attitude. Open your hrt darling. Love’s next door. It’ll find you. Trust me. *kisses*

    • Pink Panther
      February 29, 07:45 Reply

      Oh gawd! I hate it when smitten people evangelize about love. *gagging*

      • DI-NAVY
        February 29, 07:52 Reply

        What’s this one saying? PP biko jeee noro odu. Smitten or naaaa! That’s been by ideology about love since I discovered myself. For reals… i’ve never backed out on love and I don’t think I will. When you have the mind set that love doesn’t exist. That’s the main issue we having in the gaybourhood. Cos one idiot broke ur hhrt, u just sit inside ur she’ll and tell urself that love is wack and it never existed! Eradicate such mindset nna… that guy’s spreading his arms wide opened for you but you refused to see it cos you’re blind folded chasing after someone who doesn’t have any atom of feelings for u!so biko what smitten were u talking abt again sef? Where does he live????

        • Pink Panther
          February 29, 07:57 Reply

          Relax, nwokem. I was teasing and being sarcastic. Jeez! You’re awfully defensive for someone who was smugly content about love a minute ago.

          • DI-NAVY
            February 29, 08:00 Reply

            I know PP. I wasn’t being serious or tryna be rude as well sorry if u misunderstood my tone. I got the sarcasm. Now come here and take a big bear hug *hugs*

        • Pink Panther
          February 29, 07:58 Reply

          And don’t think because you read someone’s rant, then you know my story.
          You don’t.

    • Delle
      February 29, 10:55 Reply

      Me, I was just waiting to see an AMEN. Oh well *shrugs*

    • grass
      February 29, 18:36 Reply

      lol… house wives of kitodiaries…lol! hilarious!

  9. #Chestnut
    February 29, 08:22 Reply

    …and that was how PP and Lothario’s respective asses were opened by a Hibiscus,lol.
    I still believe in love o…I just don’t have the energy for it right now.

  10. Khaleesi
    February 29, 09:16 Reply

    I believe in love, but love cannot thrive all by itself, it needs to be open and celebrated without shame or inhibitions. In a society where it MUST be hidden deep under thick shadows and must be continually battered by toxic doses of religion, internalized homophobia and hatred of anything with even the remotest whiff of homosexuality … In such a case its unrealistic to expect such a love to have anything other than an extremely short life span and an unhealthy one at that … My heart believes in love but my head is extremely sceptical given the surrounding circumstances …

  11. Bobby
    February 29, 09:24 Reply

    you see that shelf where food, water and sex is?…love is on that shelf. its a human desire to want love. even when i see the cynical guarded anti love folks, i jus think of them as “the hurt ones”…i dont blame them at all. buh if u really get ome of them to open up, you’ll find a burning desire to love, not just to love, buh to love truly.
    No matter how bad we’ve been hurt, we would heal. healing takes time. this is also one of the reasons why everyone is so skeptical. we suffer heartbreakand we jus shut everyone out. Broda, have you taken time to heal?…Mr IHateLove, Did u take time to heal before u took ur stand on love. love is love and its beautiful. Am one of the cynical ones but i still believe in love. and i will love some day.

  12. Max 2.1
    February 29, 09:33 Reply

    Omg what happened to my comment? ?????

  13. Max 2.1
    February 29, 09:54 Reply

    First of all, let me start by saying that “love” isn’t bullshit. Making such blanket statement and generalizing just because you’re hurt is actually insulting to some of us, but because you’re angry, I’m gonna let it slide. I think its safe to say that all of us have been hurt and heartbroken at some point. As for what you wrote, I’ve had quite a different experience; a whole lot of older guys don’t know what they want and are fucked up too. The real problem/reason that Nigerian gay people don’t take relationships seriously is because of internalized homophobia. Internalized homophobia is deep, so deep inside them, they feel that whatever they have is temporary so there’s no need to work on it. Just like Eradicating malaria starts with the immolation of mosquitoes and its habitat, internalized homophobia can be eradicated if people can remove their brain from religion, which at its core is the main reason for the deeply rooted internalized homophobia in Nigerian gay people.. Get your ass outta church and you’ll feel better about dating a guy. But like a wise man once told me, not a lot of people can do this; because church is their beacon and the only thing they cling on to in order to go through life, so you need to give them something else to latch on to if you take away religion from them. And honestly, I don’t have anything to offer them in place of religion.

    Advice to every gay man out there who doesn’t wish to get their heart broken- Find a guy who isn’t religious (atheists are best) or else you’ll end up being heart broken and come to KD to cry your heart out eventually.

    With IH out of the way, you’ll have less to worry about in your relationship and it’ll have a better chance of survival.

    • #Chestnut
      February 29, 10:02 Reply

      Max,believe it or not, religion and internalized homophobia aren’t the only reasons ppl break up. Ur last paragraph would suggest that once u meet an atheist who knows there’s nothing shameful about being gay,then they’ll love u forever. Some ppl actually break-up because they’re bored or tired and want to “date” other guys.

      • Max 2.1
        February 29, 10:19 Reply

        You failed to see where I wrote- “you’ll have less to worry about”(meaning there’s lot already to worry about) and also I said it’ll have a ” better ” chance at survival. I never said they’ll live happily ever after, please don’t misconstrue my comment.

    • bruno
      February 29, 10:17 Reply

      lmao! I was going to argue that this isn’t necessarily true but really, it’s hard for someone to put in work into a relationship when they have bought into the society’s narrative that what they are doing is wrong and subconsciously believe being with you is a shameful thing.

  14. Delle
    February 29, 10:51 Reply

    In as much as I’m a sucker for love, I love and adore love, no one is worth my death. You break my heart and expect I’d be hospitalised, would commit suicide or go on a hunger strike? Nehh, I can’t give you such satisfaction. Why should I be ailing whilst you’re balling? Makes no sense to me.

    It’s no news the disposition of Nigeria and Nigerians is so anti-gay (not to talk of gay love), what with the ignorance, passed bill and trending homophobia, I still like to think it’s not a hopeless situation. Why can’t it be Lover Boy and Lover Boy in a relationship? No one wants a confused being in the first place. Confusion is a phase, pertinent to one’s acceptance of who he truly is and until you’ve outgrown that phase, hunnay, leave the relationship thingy for Lover Boys.

    PP and Lothario, well since your private issues have been made public, I’m not out of sync in saying sorry for the hurt you must be going through (PP denies it but still collect sorry). Hope you guys cried shaa and don’t give me the, ‘Men don’t cry’ bullshit. When I’m hurt, I cry. Makes the pain more bearable.
    Stay strong you guys and know that you are fabulous. Those guys do not know what they’ve lost and when they finally do realise it, it’d be too late. Love you thousands, you two. XOXO.

  15. Mitch
    February 29, 10:59 Reply

    Love doesn’t destroy people. It takes all the control you previously had over your life outta your hands. That feeling of powerlessness is both overwhelming and enthralling but most times, we begin to miss the power we once had and crave to get it back. And in our desperation, we strike out at anything and everything, leaving hurt and pain in our wake. But we rise again, hoping for another chance at love. Why? Because love is something everyone craves in their lives. So we may be broken, but we still want our chance at love because we feel incomplete without it.

  16. Uziel
    February 29, 11:03 Reply

    Okay, I rarely say this to anybody, but this post is crappy. Okay, that said, I feel slightly better. Now, I’m going to become all civil and argue.

    Needing ‘space’ is a real thing. I had to learn that the hard way this past few weeks. There are different personalities out there. Some of us love being smothered with love and attention and concern, but some others are stifled by it. It isn’t about maturity or confusion or IH, it’s about them knowing they love you and that you love them but you don’t have to call them fifty times a day to remind them or demand to see them every other day. They need space to be themselves. There is some Zodiac thesis about this, but I don’t know enough about it to argue with it.

    That your (sister’s) ‘attempt’ at love failed doesn’t mean that this “love’s” fault. It isn’t the other guy’s fault, either. It isn’t even your own fault. It’s just that the whole didn’t mesh, there was not enough compatibility. This will sound like bull crap but the truth is that falling in love is actually not the hard part. It is the easy part. Staying in love is the hard part. Falling in love isn’t the end, it’s the means to an end. So, deciding to give up on the subject because of one (or sadly, more than one) sad love story is like giving up school because of one failed course, or even failing a term. Falling down isn’t the problem, sitting down is the problem. However, to each his own.

    PS: Lothario’s breakup is bringing so much color to KD this month.

  17. Chandler B.
    February 29, 11:03 Reply

    Love is built, it doesn’t just exist. However most people have a distorted idea of what love is. It’s no fairytale. Its commitment and work but the end result is worth it.Experience has taught that if you actively search for someone to love you, or for you to love, you’d get it wrong. Live. Love yourself and let love find you. More importantly, be open enough to know when its has found you, or when you’ve stumbled on it.

  18. Coconut Juice
    February 29, 13:30 Reply

    I WANT TO STATE EMPHATICALLY THAT I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED WITH THIS ARTICLE. And for the following reasons.
    1. NEVER JUDGE TILL YOU HAVE HEARD BOTH SIDES OF THE STORY. That is just it. You can never understand a break-up and the reason for a break up, not unless you are the one breaking up. There are sometimes people break up and dont look back because of some ugly incident or even series of ugly incidents. But there are break ups that are done with regret and in tears. We speak as if there are some people who just set out with the intention to harm. And thats unfar. Again, you do not know exactly what was happening in the relationship that made one person to want out. For this reason, it is so unfair to pen this down after hearing just one side of the story.
    2. IT IS BASED ON AN IDEOLOGY THAT IS UNREALISTIC
    So lets say a person for some reason is no longer interested in a relationship. What should they do? Stay put just to make the other person happy, when they are miserable? How realistic is that? A relationship should be happy for both people involved, when that isnt the case, something is wrong.
    Again it is unrealistic because it seems to want to make us believe that human beings should never be confused. i want to put it to the writer that even he has been confused at one time or the other in his life. And for ALL of us, when confused, we sometimes just do our best in spite of our confusion. Sometimes it ends well and sometimes it doesnt. Yes you are angry, but the so called “confused guy” is still a human being and has his own needs which perhaps he was not getting in the relationship. So what should he do? stay like that? Or he should become omniscient, knowing it all, so that your friend can be happy bah?
    3. FUCK LOVE OR SICK LOVE?
    There are some people who believe that their happiness lies not in their hands but in the hands of someone out there. So they spend all their lives looking for Prince Charming. But the truth is this, people do not exist for your happiness. That is unrealistic. Just as you seek your happiness, they seek theirs. So one day, when Prince Charming decides he no longer finds happiness in the relationship, he moves. And since he had your happiness in his possession even before you met, he takes it right away. Next thing, you want to make everyone see how you are the victim and he is cruel. But lets tell ourselves the truth. Just as you are so tightly clinging because you think that will make you happy, so also is he extricating himself because it will make him happy. To think that how you feel is all that matters is PLAIN SELFISH. And thats not love. Its SICK LOVE. If you truly loved this person that leaves you, you will not hate them for wanting to be happy, for wanting to live life on their own terms. If you feel complete in yourself even before Prince Charming came along, when he leaves, he will not take your happiness away.
    Lets be realistic. Break ups happen. So also does a lot of shit happen in life. Its either we say people should not date unless they are omniscient (having everything perfectly clear in black and white before jumping in), or once in they should stay whether they are happy or not or that people should live on their terms, take risks if need be because life is an experience. We all should simply take responsibility for how we feel, set people free (especially those we claim to love) and for God’s sakes stop the blame game!

    • Mandy
      February 29, 14:35 Reply

      Oh this is so salacious. Coconut juice honey, you sound like you were illustrated in Hibiscus’s rant. Touched a nerve, did he? Could you care to confirm whose heart you broke, Lothario’s or PP’s? #AmeboModeOnHighAlert 😀

      • Kenny
        February 29, 14:42 Reply

        *grabs seat and a very cold bottle of Fanta and joins Mandy on the #amebo couch.

      • coconut juice
        February 29, 14:51 Reply

        Hahaha!. Well, im serving tea. *hands him a warm cup of ota pia pia*

        Abeg no mind me. This blog is for bigger issues, its too big for anyone to use it as a means of expressing something this personal, especially since the other party may be reading this.

        How would you feel if you were the other party?

        I think this is just petty. I hope Lothario was not aware of this. If he were, then the dude was right to dump him.

        • Brian Collins
          February 29, 15:19 Reply

          This right here was a plain dumb comment. i understood the first one, but this – just baffles me.

        • Mandy
          February 29, 16:03 Reply

          Ok so this second comment just answered my question, it’s safe to say you’re the Confused Boy to Lothario’s Lover Boy, seeing as you went straight for Lothario’s jugular and ignored that there were two people being talked about in the piece. Your first comment was too defensive to be a casual bystander that you’re now trying to let us believe you are.

          *sipping my otapiapia generously doused with odieshi*

          Kenny, are you taking note? 🙂

          • coconut juice
            February 29, 16:43 Reply

            Hahaha! See sherlock Holmes skillz. Na so tea dey hungry you?

  19. Peak
    February 29, 13:50 Reply

    I swear, I really don’t know how to feel about this piece, from how uncomfortable I am with having people’s business being tossed out unceremoniously, to how some laudable;e hard-cold truth was told, to how multiple issues with varying complexities was muddled up and squeezed in with colored views. I enjoyed the piece to be perfectly honest, but a lot of multi-layered issues were raised without answers.

    Love has been known to be the most potent, purest and probably strongest form of emotion known to man. Its so potent that its capable of inspiring strong virtues and emotions such as selfless, kindness, bravery/courage, heroism, patience e.t.c. with this in mind, its extremely difficult to take Nigerians seriously when they toss the word “Love” around like its a trendy must have piece of fashion accessory. Its far more complicated than it seems and I sort of feel the writer of this piece made it sound like a common denomination one finds on the street. Please we should always keep in mind that just because you are in a relationship with someone or you say “i love you” to them with them saying it back, doesn’t mean its legit.

    In the words of the late Amy Winehouse, “Love is a losing”. Jazmine sullivan said it best in burn – “someone always get hurt when you care”. That’s life, That’s how shit works. We are always selfishly engrossed in our hurt to admit that it takes more than love to make a relationship work. Usually it burns brighter than the sun in the beginning. Its rays blinds out all flaws, level of compatibility gets swept under the rug, rational thinking gets tossed out the window. Eventually the dust settles, the honeymoon phase ends and reality sets in (just like you mentioned) and shit gets real. When reality sets in, it always turns out that one person loves the other more. The whole Confused and Lover boy illustration makes no sense if “TRUE LOVE” is what is indeed being discussed here. Confusion is suppose to disappear in the face of TRUE LOVE. We have long agreed that love defies all rational and logical thinking. You don’t choose who you love, love does the choosing for you which is why we usually end up with people our rational minds wouldn’t be caught pants down with. So the whole lover and confused boy illustration is just off.

    A lot of us go into relationships for all the wrong reasons. Ask the average person who is on the “bae hunt”, why do you need a bae? And you cant get a well put together answer. If you are lucky, they’d hit you with “for companionship, or it would keep them grounded”. But what we all fail to understand is that relationships is built on WORK, COMPROMISE and a sense of PARTNERSHIP. So until we start re-orientating ourselves, we need to just stock up on tissues, listening ears and shoulders to cry on.

    I’d like to close by saying that I disappointed that in 2016, that internalized homophobia is being pitched for the failure of everything in the Nigerian gay community. A Straight guy chases a girl for years, becomes her chauffeur, her ATM, house boy, sings I love you 25/8 and once he is done fucking her black and blue, he strolls out of her life like nothing ever happened. We all accept that like its business as usual. But in the gay community, the brother has IH. Can we all collectively agree that people break up for innumerable reasons? Can we agree that our clime makes it hard for a healthy number of gay relationships to thrive? Can we all agree that a lot of us don’t know who we are as a person, what it means to be gay and different, talk more of knowing the workings of a gay relationship? Can we all agree that gay relationship faces totally different dynamics compared to heteronormatives. Can we agree that gay relationship in Nigeria is at its baby state and growing. There are countless reasons why relationships fail in general and a lot more why gay relationships don’t survive around these parts. Its time we start being mindful of the things we put out. Its a collective responsibility to shape old and new minds. Young mind that need shaping are reading so are old minds that need reshaping.

    And yes! Older people can be very confused. I am one of them…i think.

    • coconut juice
      February 29, 14:08 Reply

      Brutal honesty, razor-sharp intelligence and coherence. Its such a rare thing to find in this world.
      Thank you, my brother!

    • Kenny
      February 29, 14:19 Reply

      PEAK!!!! Where have you been? *covers face* ?

    • Mandy
      February 29, 14:38 Reply

      And that is how Peak dropped it like it’s hot. Duhling, where have you been? Do we need to have more ‘love gone bad’ posts for you to drop in with these your incisive opinions?

      PS: Max, did you see the sub meant for you? 😀

    • D-boy
      February 29, 19:21 Reply

      I read this piece, and it got me feeling some type of way. So glad, I got back here to read your comment and knock me back into my senses. Everything isn’t internal homophobia. Ask the average single heterosexual person and they would recount the woes of dating. Fortunately for them, theirs is celebrated by society.

      The term partnership struck a huge chord with me. You need someone who aligns with your goals and vision . If my goals are to be in a long term relationship, there’s no point dating someone who wants to be an MGM or vice versa. But most importantly I need to decide what I want, before I go out there searching or else I am just setting myself to be hurt.

  20. Uno
    February 29, 14:57 Reply

    Where is DM ??

  21. Colour Black
    February 29, 15:24 Reply

    “Life was a party meant to be thrown, but that was a million years ago”

  22. sensei
    February 29, 15:57 Reply

    It’s sad when anyone gets heart broken. Understandable. But this could have been handled better.

  23. peaches
    March 01, 01:21 Reply

    I fell in love with this amazing person who had planned it all out in his head. He still says “hi” via WhatsApp sometimes now, but the hurt he caused me lives on. So much that i cnt bring myself to love any other guy genuinely. Some guy told me I’ve got a heart of stone. Thing is i really do wish i could pick up my life n meet someone, even if not perfect, but at least worth it. Being a celibate that fix people’s broken relatnship while his is rotten isnt very pleasant.
    It may seem petty to say, but if u don’t love someone, NEVER use it to get them to ur bed cos its just evil. Thanks to Turquoise Hibiscus for this piece. Its one of those moments when i reassure myself that i am human n i do not have a heart of stone.?

    • TheMagnus
      March 01, 13:15 Reply

      That’s exactly right! Don’t take a person’s emotions for a ride, especially because you want them to satisfy your financial needs.

  24. teeboi
    March 01, 10:18 Reply

    looking @all Kdians, Pouring their hearts, Abeg PP, we that haven’t loved before nko =-O

    • teeboi
      March 01, 10:20 Reply

      thank God My heart is still Safe , Is this how I go dey Lament,

      #Nextcomplainer pls…….

  25. Sheldon Cooper
    March 02, 06:52 Reply

    I really don’t know what this blog is becoming. It baffles me how this post made it here. This is the the kind of stuff you post on facebook when Mark Zuckerberg asks “what’s on your mind?”
    *shrugs*

Leave a Reply