This is nonfiction by WhoIsUgo. Names of the characters and places have been changed for obvious reasons.
In 2013, I got admission to study at the University of Calabar. I was excited to finally leave home and experience a little bit of freedom.
Because of how socially awkward I was, I had just three friends and we had all split up into different universities. Fortunately one of my friends, Ivie, knew someone already at my school and offered to connect the two of us.
I already knew this girl Ivie was connecting me to because I’d stalked her on Twitter and she was kind of famous at the time. So I was obviously excited to get to hang out with her. Now this Vanessa is hot. Fucking sexy! Still one of the sexiest women I have ever met in my life. I had already ruled out any chance of getting freaky with her, and I was more than content to just be friends.
We soon met up and it was great. We hit it off immediately and I was a bit startled to notice that she was flirting with me.
Still, my mind told me we wouldn't go further than that. Little did I know.
One evening after school, Vanessa asked me to walk her to the private hostel where she stayed. I didn't hesitate to agree because I didn't have anything better to do and we set off.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am a marijuana dispenser. I rolled a joint and we stayed on her balcony gisting, smoking and listening to music.
Only problem was, there was just one chair. After two minutes of being a gentle-dyke and offering to stand while she sat, my knees began to weaken and wobble. I was about to sit on the floor when she stopped me and said we could share the chair.
So I sat down, and she sat on top, facing me.
The music was still playing, the marijuana was kicking in and my clit had started to throb.
Suddenly she leaned in and kissed me. It was heavenly. We kissed a lot more and started grinding with our clothes on. Before I could say pim, she’d taken off her top and pushed my head to her breast. As a big baby that I am, I didn't waste any time as I proceeded to suck the shit out of those globes.
Unfortunately, I had to stop and head back to my own hostel because it was almost my curfew.
She begged me to come and sleep at hers the next day and I agreed.
The next day came and before 4pm, I was already strolling to her hostel. I got there and she had ordered food and put on a movie for us to watch on her laptop.
She was wearing a crop top and a thong and I knew I was brought there to fuck.
Long story short, we fucked. It was wild and it was noisy.
We fucked again at night, with her roommate around. We tried to keep the moaning to a minimum, even though her bed wouldn't stop creaking and her roommate probably knew what we were up to.
It was great. I was pussy-whipped and the fact that she had feelings for me made everything better.
Now, things got tricky when she wanted to hold hands in public and peck me and shit.
Two girly girls can get away with that – but a dyke and a girly girl? That's just asking for too much. My internalized homophobia had me on the edge and I refused to do any of these things. That got in the way of things, and one day, I got a strongly-worded text from her about how I was acting. I didn't reply the text, because I never really know what to say to these things.
But that was it. In one week, she had fallen in and out of love with me.
This was the first Vanessa.
I met the second Vanessa the next year at a very popular club.
I had gone clubbing with two of my heterosexual friends, a couple. She was at a table next to mine with a bunch of girls. It was her friend’s birthday and they had come to celebrate. This was the dark-skinned Vanessa, the first dark-skinned woman I ever caught feelings for since my secondary school boo and Genevieve Nnaji.
I saw her dancing in the corner with a girly girl; she was beautiful. She turned around, and I saw her more clearly. It was the biggest ass I had ever seen on such a small waist. My head scattered. Fresh out of my internalized homophobia, I downed what was left in my glass and danced up to her. Almost like she was waiting for me, she left her friend and positioned her ass on my groin. I was gone.
We switched positions after a while. With both of us holding each other face to face. It was intense. She leaned in and kissed me and we danced for a while longer, until her group decided to leave.
She put her number in my phone, and I sent a “Hey, this is Ugo” text immediately.
This was the Vanessa that made me think the universe didn't want me with any Vanessas, because the next day, when I told her I was into her in the middle of our chat, she spazzed and asked if I was gay and how she doesn't swing that way. I was lost, because this was the same aunty that dry-humped me in the club.
Well, long story short, we stopped talking. Second Vanessa, cancelled.
Now, this next Vanessa is a very special one. I really wanted her to be my girlfriend and I hoped the universe would give me a break and let this one last. Boy, was I wrong.
I met this Vanessa the following year.
My friend Ivie had just told me about the wonders of Instagram hookups. I had been crushing on this Vanessa for a while already. She was beautiful, into art and books – everything I’d been looking for in a woman. I slid into her DM. We talked a lot about random stuff, off and on. I didn't see any need to take our conversations further because she seemed straight and we lived in two different cities.
Well, a few weeks after we started talking, I had to travel to her city for a family function. I thought the universe was giving me a sign to get her in my life, so I hit her up again.
We hung out, got along, made out, fucked. The whole thing over and over again, and in a couple of weeks, everything had turned sour.
I don't know what it is. If there was some Vanessa that cursed me as a child or some shit. But I think I've experienced enough of this and I will carefully steer clear of all the girls named Vanessa, no matter the size of their bum-bum.
Written by WhoIsUgo