Goodbye Is The Hardest Word

Goodbye Is The Hardest Word

And then, Rafael said to Jane, “I can’t… we can’t…”

Jane replied aghast, “Why not?”

Rafael: Last night got me thinking too. And I realized that something has changed.

Jane: What?

Rafael: I just don’t love you the way that you love me. That’s the problem. That’s why this won’t work.

Jane: I don’t believe you.

Rafael: Look, I know that this hurts to hear –

Jane: Why are you saying this?

Rafael: Because I thought I did. But I guess I got caught up in the idea of us being a family… But I’m seeing things clearly now. I think that we should end things.

*

It has been a few months since your relationship ended, a few months since you embarked on the tortuous journey of healing, riddled as it was with memories, ‘What if’ questions and ‘If only’ doubts. You are finally ready to start dating again. You think you are.

And then you watch that episode of Jane The Virgin, and that dialogue slaps you with a painful reminder of the past. The reliving of that moment dreaded by anyone who’s ever been in love – the breakup.

One of the hardest things to get over in life is a breakup. It is even harder when you are not ready for the end, when you don’t see it coming. One moment, you are still secure in the knowledge that you have someone, that your heart is filled, that you do not belong to that coterie of gay men hounding the online dating sites, randomly hopping from one bed to the other. You feel sorry for them, because you know that life is more fulfilling with that one special someone. Never mind that it is starting to feel like work, that the laughter and camaraderie does not come so easy anymore, and that in its place are the questions and doubts and the struggle to get back the magic that was once upon a time.

And then, that moment passes, and the end is upon you like the decisive slam of a judge’s gavel. The reality you’ve always known is irrevocably altered, and you find yourself being thrust into an adjustment to a new reality – one without the man you’d shared your life with for whatever amount of times past. If you were not ready for the end, this adjustment can be a very hellish one.

You remember how you vacillated between a cocktail of emotions, emotions you heard the narrator on Jane The Virgin speak of. The seven stages of grief after a breakup – that was what he called them. Shock. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Guilt. Depression. And (Non) Acceptance. The narrator reeled them out with the comedic, tongue-in-cheek undertone you’ve come to expect from the show, but you can identify with them. With all of them. You can recognize how you lived each one of them after you were broken up with.

Shock that such a horrible thing happened to you. Things like that didn’t happen to people like you. You were supposed to be different. Your love was supposed to conquer all.

That segued into Denial, when you refused to accept the cold new reality. Of course he didn’t know what he was saying. He absolutely didn’t mean it. Was it April First? No? Perhaps a belated April Fool’s Day joke then?

But seriously, WTF! Anger surged. You fumed to yourself and your long-suffering best friend about him. How dare he do this to you? Didn’t he know you were the best thing that ever happened to him?

The rage however fizzled out, and the fear that made you begin to realize that this might be real caused you to begin appealing to whatever powers-that-be for intervention. Frantically, you bargained. God, please change his heart, and I promise, we’ll always use condoms during sex. God, bring him back to me, and I’ll start keeping more of Your commandments.

When the heavens remained resolutely unresponsive, you began to feel weighted down with guilt. Questions plagued your mind. Had it been your fault? Was it something you did? Had you failed to give him everything he wanted?

On the heels of this came the deluge of depression. The world became a panorama of grays and blacks. Days stretched drearily on. Your tears leaked at the slightest provocation. And your heart sat rock-heavy inside you. The same heart that shattered to innumerable pieces when he earlier broke up with you had now crystallized into a dead weight inside you.

But you knew you had to fight the depression. You had to combat it with happiness. And the only happiness you knew was with him. So you refused to accept the decision he’d taken for you both, and you went back to him with the desperate words: “I want you back… We can make this work… We belong together…”

But no, you didn’t belong together. He made that clear to you again. And again. And yet again. And with each time, your heart splintered, leaving a patchwork of bruises you knew would take an eternity to heal.

But heal you must. So you turned away from him, and tried to find healing. You called up an old fuck buddy. You resurrected friendships you’d allowed to go stale because of him. You stopped talking to him. You forced your laughter. You got busy. You tried your darnedest. You were making progress.

And then you watch Rafael break up with Jane. You hear the aching strains of Emily Hearn’s Volcano strumming as the background music. And your old wounds begin to throb anew. Your heart begins to ache. Your eyes glaze over with tears. And the walls you’d painstakingly built up begin to crumble all around you.

So you call him. You reach for your phone, scroll to that number you just hadn’t had the courage to delete, and call him.

He answers. He calls your name. His voice unlocks an onrush of memories. You do not fight them. You let your soul get saturated with the past. You make your peace with it, with him, for only then can you attain that final emotion that had eluded you all this time.

Acceptance.

Acceptance of the good, the bad and the ugly.

You do not know what will happen tomorrow. You do not wish to know. You have only today. And you have accepted all that today has to offer.

Written by Pink Panther

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58 Comments

  1. Raj
    July 28, 05:45 Reply

    Nice piece PP.
    Never had a. Breakup,cos I never had a R/ship(yeah,I just have fun,)
    However ,I have been around some folks who experience the memory and emotional loss of a their boos and what ensues next in their psyche is close to a mental case.
    Worse is ,the list of people to share such an experience with in this country is quite small.

    The little you can tell,hardly offers true empathy… We must heal to move on but make no mistake,it has to be gradual like PP has pointed out. If you loved him,you have got to mourn him..

    To my future breakup;I know nothing lasts forever,but when the time comes,I wanna be giving the news. Should work better that way…

    • Pink Panther
      July 28, 06:12 Reply

      LOL. We all would like to be in the driver’s seat of the breakup vehicle, Raj. We all truly would.

      • JustJames
        July 28, 07:04 Reply

        Hian! Giving the news to me is just as bad as me receiving it. Sometimes I get riddled with guilt and if you did care one bit about the person it would hurt you that you’re hurting him. I’ve felt bad cause In pursuit of my own happiness I had to shatter another person’s own though I did tell myself that it’s so we both could be hapy in ways we deserved. Not to mention self loathing at what I called my selfishness. Breakups are never easy when you care about the person you’re breaking up with.

    • Francis
      July 28, 06:58 Reply

      @Raj you could initiate a breakup and still be the person suffering. Some breakups happen out of the necessity to save one’s sanity when you’ve done everything and nothing works and you find yourself drowning in the relationship.

  2. Mandy
    July 28, 06:19 Reply

    Wow. This is clearly coming from a very personal place of pain and survival.

  3. Max
    July 28, 06:32 Reply

    This was powerful.. And this is one of the many reasons I like…. Scratch that >>love you.
    You get it… You just do… You’ve been there, you know… *trying so hard to hold back tears…
    Many people here won’t be able to relate to this.. They’ve never been in love, because you know what they say>” There’s no love in the gaybourhood “.
    This is the best piece of the month.

    • Sian
      July 28, 15:11 Reply

      Shut up,Max.
      Stop making such ignorant,but sweeping statements.
      Who says there’s no love in the “gaybourhood”(so hate that word).
      In terms of relationships,what holds true for heteros hold true for us.
      We love,suffer heartbreak,some heal some don’t.Those who do heal move on,become stronger

      • Max
        July 28, 15:16 Reply

        Bitch read and understand a comment well before jumping in with a silly reply…

        • Sian
          July 28, 15:25 Reply

          Many people here won’t be able to relate to this..They’ve never been in love,because you know what they say>” There’s no love in the gaybourhood “.
          Quite the idiotic statement,to say the least,but then,it’s all you.
          How the hell did you conclude that without knowing their stories?.
          Idiot

          • Max
            July 28, 15:30 Reply

            If you don’t understand the sarcasm in that, then you’re more silly and skanky than I thought.
            Cowardly Chameleon.

            • Sian
              July 28, 15:38 Reply

              Do you even know what sarcasm is like,Clavan?.
              It sure looks as clear as noonday you won’t recognize it,among other things,should it strike you in the face.
              Scunnering Muc

              • Max
                July 28, 15:49 Reply

                @Macafucker(A.k.a Macardry), crawl back to the dungeon from whence you came.
                KD has been thriving without the likes of you(hoe) and #TeamConstantlyFoolish.. If u hate my comments, cut out your spleen and gulp it down your throat. The day I find you, hmmmm .. You’ll be sorry.

                • Sian
                  July 28, 16:02 Reply

                  I’m just quaking in my boots at your threat,cunt.
                  It’s easy to find me,don’t you know?.
                  Let me make it easier for you,since you’re too retarded to achieve anything on your own.PP,kindly furnish this vermin with basic enough details of me to aid his search,that is if he won’t make a mush of it still.
                  Be waiting to see what you can come up,mucker.

                  • Max
                    July 28, 16:25 Reply

                    A word is enough for the wise.. But since you’re not in the world’s list of wise ppl, lemme give you two..

                    Get Lost!!!

                    • Sian
                      July 28, 16:27

                      Talk of the Coward of Kito Diaries,the award is all yours.
                      Futret

                    • Mandy
                      July 28, 18:18

                      Well, this escalated quickly.
                      Much to my drama-loving delight! 😀 *rapidly chewing on popcorn*

  4. drizzle
    July 28, 06:57 Reply

    Nice piece Pinky.. Reminds me of the break-up I had in 2010. Unfortunately I still hold up for relationships.. There’s something fulfilling finding that one Person.. The problem is they r quite a few of them and they aint easily found..

  5. ambivalentone
    July 28, 07:15 Reply

    7 ke? Mine’s just three. Pain, Denial and Guilt. There’s no acceptance anywhere cos I know in one ‘koro’ of my mind, if he calls, I’ll jump.

  6. kacee
    July 28, 07:23 Reply

    Hmmmm this is one deep piece, Nice one PP boo lol, take heart.

  7. Dennis Macaulay
    July 28, 07:36 Reply

    And when he cheated with your best friend it feels like being kicked in the gut twice!

    #OneDayIShallWriteAboutThisPlace

    • kacee
      July 28, 07:54 Reply

      Ouch that hurts like fuck.

        • kacee
          July 28, 09:20 Reply

          MM hehehehehe, u’re so bad i saw ur comment yesterday about tht guy with the big ass. Lol

    • Pink Panther
      July 28, 08:27 Reply

      Lol. Ah Dennis. You seem burdened by something. Do share. 🙂

    • Sian
      July 28, 15:16 Reply

      That Place the eye does not see,shey?

  8. kacee
    July 28, 07:57 Reply

    PP sorry i said the F word.

  9. Temi Cole
    July 28, 08:29 Reply

    Feels very close to home… I’ve had two epic loves and two colossal break ups, I ended one relationship, the other I never saw coming. They both hurt so much… I fear that I may never love again, and if I do, will I be able to ever love completely? But I’m sure you will rise from it and maybe pull an Adele on us while at it!

  10. simba
    July 28, 08:30 Reply

    My breakup was painful, I had mental breakdown. But when the chips came down, I ve come to realize it was among the best things to have happened to me.. cus I would have killed somebody

  11. #Chestnut
    July 28, 08:35 Reply

    Funny thing tho, no one has ever given me the break-up conversation; no one has actually ever said “goodbye” to end things with me; we just stop communicating, and opt to read the hand-writing on the wall…well, I guess those weren’t even real relationshipd per se,to start with. The “realest” relationship I’ve had, I was d one who gave the break-up conversation(because I was unable to transition into an Open-relationship,lol).Honestly I feel it’s more respectful and dignifying to have “the conversation”, than ceasing all communication,and hoping the other party gets d message u’re trying to pass with ur silence/absence.

  12. Mitch
    July 28, 09:12 Reply

    Wow! PP, this reminded me of all I’ve been struggling with since July. I pretend I’m over it and then lash out at people over the slightest error due to my rage. Well, I hope I’m able to completely move on in a short while.

    This hurts, PP. Way too much

  13. JOJOARMANI
    July 28, 09:53 Reply

    all this just seem to me like a fairytale,, dont know when the time would come and i would start loving a gay guy that we go into a relationship… I can only go into a relationship with one of this staright guys that am crushing on.. That if i finally bend ’em … Cheers to yall love birds.. Chicks like us dont want our heart broken.

  14. Peak
    July 28, 09:55 Reply

    Wow! This is some deep shit.

    I was agreeing and nodding as I read till I got to the writer. Didn’t see that one coming.

    You will be fine bubba. You will be just fine.

    Nice read. Love it

  15. Vhar.
    July 28, 10:37 Reply

    – Relationships are like Rome — difficult to start out, incredible during the prosperity of the ‘golden age’, and unbearable during the fall.
    Then, a new kingdom will come along and the whole process will repeat itself until you come across a kingdom like Egypt… that thrives, and continues to flourish.
    This kingdom will become your best friend, your soul mate, and your love.

    Healing comes eventually.
    It may take its time…

    But it comes.

  16. Sinnex
    July 28, 10:50 Reply

    For a moment I thought this piece was written by ‘Jane The Virgin’.

    Can’t relate with this since I have not fallen in love or been heartbroken.

    I hope to experience both soon.

    Maybe Max would be my first love. I can just visualize us fighting every morning and thereafter having mind blowing sex. Him, sucking my dick like a lollypop, and I, screaming for more and asking him to go faster….then… BAAAMMMM….the greatest explosion ever…I cum like a mighty rushing ocean and he licks every bit of it like a ravenous dog and then he swallows it all. Then he begs for more…..

    • #Chestnut
      July 28, 11:41 Reply

      Wait…what? U and Max,Sinnex? Lol. Are u joking or are u serious? #AskingForDeeperUnderstanding

      • Mandy
        July 28, 18:24 Reply

        Chestnut, you didn’t know? Sinnex has always had a hard-on for Max.

    • KryxxX
      July 28, 14:04 Reply

      Match made in hell or Okija shrine!

    • Dominic Obioha
      July 28, 20:33 Reply

      Wow all these emotions for another human being that can just discard someone with silliest excuse. I swear iv moved pass that. I love ‘me’ too much. Heal well PP. I have love in my life but it’s not romantic love.

      • Pink Panther
        July 28, 23:07 Reply

        Just as long as it’s love. Everyone needs love in their lives.

  17. JOJOARMANI
    July 28, 12:04 Reply

    sinnex and Max??? He would swallow it all and ask for more???

  18. KryxxX
    July 28, 14:14 Reply

    Acceptance?

    E go hard oh!

    Accept the fact that u chose to shatter my well arranged nd packaged life the day it was sweetest without any premonition?

    Or accept the fact that I just got pushed into the singles market after much work to get out of there?

    Or accept the fact that I have no one to talk to when am bored, someone to be free with nd act all crazy with?

    Or accept the fact and move on when u r not telling me why we actually are breaking up(that’s the worst) nd tell me we could still b friends? I rather u have amnesia or worst u die than that!

    Acceptance! You’d have to agree to accept nd In my case I NO GREE!

    Breakup r just too messy! Sometimes I don’t even blame those that chose not to go into relationships self!

    And the funny part is that just d sight of his pics gets me mushy! Its annoying………..

    • Max
      July 28, 14:38 Reply

      Lol… Feelings don’t die… Once you catch that disease, it’ll never leave you..
      They can be attenuated to an extent.. But they linger…

    • Sian
      July 28, 15:19 Reply

      His pics don’t have to get you mushy,you’re already mushed up.
      Hello Imp

      • KryxxX
        July 28, 17:29 Reply

        Hian! You will just be looking for trouble anyhow! Oginidi self! Lemme joor! Lol!

        • Sian
          July 28, 19:16 Reply

          Hehehehe
          Try as much as you will,you won’t shake me.Not that you want to.
          I did warn you tho.Now,reactivate that platform or else….

  19. yinkss
    July 28, 15:05 Reply

    I’ve never been in a relationship or experience break up before. I can’t wait to fall in love one day

  20. Chuck
    July 29, 00:01 Reply

    I’d suggest taking time to date and get to know prospective partners before declaring a relationship. You meet some people and within 3 hours they’re texting you about what you want from a relationship. How about describing yourself and your life first? Or better, showing yourself by spending time with the other person?

    I’ve discovered that taking the time to think things through helps. Don’t just call it a relationship because you have time, he has time and you both enjoy the sex.

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