HE LOVES ME. HE LOVES ME NOT

HE LOVES ME. HE LOVES ME NOT

I call him Papi because he is super light-skinned, and he has a birthmark on the side of his face that looks like a collection of teardrop tattoos. In addition to the knowledge that teardrop tattoos mean you’ve killed someone, his overall persona made you feel like he was going to cut you if you moved the wrong way.

We were fifteen when we met. We met on Blackberry Messenger; this was the time when every man, woman and child owned a Blackberry. We were in this high school chat group, even though we went to different schools. We had several mutual friends between us, so it wasn’t odd when I added him on BBM from the group and he accepted my request.

We soon started chatting, just random stuff of two people who had a lot in common. Nothing sexual, even though I had started developing a crush on him. And then we exchanged numbers and I called him.

“Hello,” he said in a voice that sent shivers down my spine.

I was so dumbstruck that I didn’t say anything in response.

“Hello,” he said again, and then let out a sigh, before saying my name, “Rai.” He added, “Rai, is that you?”

And I started laughing, just like that, like someone giddy with the pleasure of simply hearing his voice.

We began to talk. We talked and talked, the hours skipping past like they were minutes. This was the start of a beautiful friendship. We talked all the time, every night for hours on end, courtesy of the free airtime I was able to get from my uncle who worked in MTN.

And then, all of a sudden, the holiday was over and it was time to go back to school. I was dreading this, because students were not allowed to own phones in my school, and being without a phone meant I couldn’t talk to Papi.

It was hellish going through the term without being in touch with Papi; there was no midterm break, so it was months and months of pining for a boy I couldn’t communicate with. Soon though, we were due another holiday and I was finally heading home, to my phone. I couldn’t wait to hit him up. However, his BBM wasn’t going through and his line was disconnected. After months of dreaming of this reunion, this turn of events drove me crazy. I texted a few friends of mine I knew were his friends too, asking for his contact. Anyone I asked would be like, “This one you’re asking for this boy’s number like this, hmm, I’m suspecting you o.” And I would laugh in response.

However, I wasn’t able to get his contact, not even from those who I knew went to the same school as he did. Either they didn’t have his new number or weren’t able to reach him to ask him for permission to give out his contact.

I settled into a dry holiday; not even the fact that we – my family – left Nigeria for the UK to spend the summer made me appreciative of anything. It was made even more depressing by the fact that because of some shenanigans I’d been up to in school during the term (my friends and I had decided to sell stuff deemed contraband by the school authority – not heavy-duty stuff, just provisions), I was suspended, which was actually why I was home earlier than the official start of the holiday. And because I didn’t want to return to such a strict school, I pressured my parents to disregard the efforts they were making to have my suspension lifted and instead change schools for me. I wanted to go where I would at least have provisions. My parents finally found a new school for me, which I would go on to attend and end up getting embroiled in another love-hate story. But that’s a story for another day.

And so, I was chatting away on my phone one day, when I got a Facebook friend request. I checked and to my pleasant surprise, it was Papi. I almost leaped out of my bed with excitement before I quickly accepted his request.

He was online and immediately sent me a message: “So this is how you have forgotten your brother.” The message was accompanied by a wink emoji.

More like the love of my life, I thought with a giggle, while ignoring his “brother” reference. The things I wanted to do to him, I could never do with a person who was in the brother zone.

We started chatting. Getting back in touch with him, chatting with him, brought me so much joy. I kept on giggling and smiling and feeling my heart pump such joy throughout my body. We resumed our friendship, and every time we weren’t chatting or talking, I felt both terror that I would get disconnected from him again, and lost, like I had no purpose in life except when I was with him.

It didn’t take very long for me to realise that I had fallen deeply in love with Papi. Or maybe, I just really, really liked him. Even though he kept calling me “brother”, in my head, I had already whisked him off to some chateau in France where we’d gotten married and consummated our love.

When I resumed for a new term in my new school, I was able to sneak my phone in. And so, I stayed in touch with Papi. We would talk for days, and when I was found out and the principal seized my phone, I began sending him handwritten notes through mutual friends, from my school to his school. Lord! It was a romantic sturvs, I tell you.

I remember the day a friend of ours came to me in the refectory and told me that she had spoken to Papi and he’d told her to say hi to me. And she began walking away, and without thinking, I turned and called out after her, “Tell Papi I love him!”

I had no idea how loud I was or how much my voice would carry, until after the words left my mouth. I was instantly drenched with mortification as the people eating around me stopped to look at me.

In my mind, I was like: Oh, fuck me!

And then, the girl, who had turned to look at me as well, called back, “Nigga, you gay!”

And I burst out laughing, and every other person in the refectory who’d heard us also began laughing. And so, that potentially dangerous situation was defused.

But it came up again, when I was home for the midterm break, and now had my phone back, and during my first conversation with Papi, he said, “Sandy told me what you said to her in you people’s refectory.”

I didn’t have anything to say to him. I just began laughing.

He said, “Why are you hiding mouth now? You won’t talk now.”

I laughed. He laughed. There was a friend staying with me during the break, and because he was in the room with me, I left and got comfortable elsewhere in the house, where I promptly said to Papi, “Look, you probably won’t want to talk to me after this. But I wasn’t entirely joking with what I said to Sandy. I like you, Papi.”

“I know,” he said.

“No, I mean, I like you like you. I like you the way boys like girls and girls like boys.”

His response was a blurted “What!”

And I was like, “Yes, I know.”

And he was like, “But I’m not gay.”

And there was this silence that descended between us. I had felt so sure that me admitting to the way I felt about Papi to Papi would end with him at least admitting to liking me back. Nowhere in all the time I’d been fantasizing about us had I imagined that his response would be to tell me he wasn’t gay. A little uncertainty perhaps, but not an outright declaration of his heterosexuality. Surely, all the lovey-dovey-ness of our conversations all this time hadn’t all been in my head, had they? I was suddenly awash with mortification and hurt. I couldn’t handle it and I hung up. He called back and I didn’t answer. My hands were shaking and my chest was pounding like John Cena had just slammed a punch into it. I was thinking about how I’d just come out to someone who doesn’t want me. (Something you should know about me: I have issues – from physical insecurities to deep emotional issues.)

And in that moment, I was derailing. Papi kept calling, and after ignoring his calls several times, I finally picked.

The first thing he said was: “What do you want from me?”

I snapped back with: “Nothing.”

“Then why did you tell me you like me?” he shot back.

“Because I do,” I yelled back.

And in true dramatic fashion, I hung up. He called back. I answered.

And he said, “Rai, I like you too.”

That officially became the happiest day of my life.

After that, our friendship took a romantic turn. We were now dating!

Our conversations now included talks about a future together. He asked me if I would marry him when the time came. Now, although I had wedded Papi several times in my dreams, the reality of it was more daunting. I wasn’t sure I could be with him that way. Maybe it was the overwhelming conditioning of society to see heterosexual marriage as the only type of marital institution to aspire to; or maybe it was that I was perhaps not the marrying kind. Either way, I didn’t give Papi an enthusiastic yes. I just told him when the time comes, I would consider it. He laughed and said that if I ever decide to marry a woman, he would buy the house next to mine and make sure that our wives are best friends so we can keep seeing each other. I laughed at the scenario he painted, and found it heartwarming. It meant he cared.

We had gotten very close, but we were yet to have sex. Papi claimed he’d never done anything with a boy. But me, I was certainly no virgin. I had my first sexual experience with my dorm-mate when I was in JSS3 and he was in SS2. I’d used his perfume without asking him, and when he found out, he’d asked for payback in the form of a blow job. Papi and I put off sex till the night of our graduation, a night we began referring to as “bang night”.

But we sexted a lot, and exchanged nudes and had phone sex. These things were not enough for me though. I longed desperately to hold him, to have him inside me. But I didn’t push for sex. I understood that that had to come at his own pace.

Our relationship wasn’t without its turbulence though. Papi told me that he wanted things to stay simple, that I shouldn’t do anything to make it seem to the world that we were anything more than best friends. I understood this need to stay discreet. But that was where the problem lay in our relationship. He never seemed to heed his own words of caution. I liked to tell him about the things happening with me. I’d tell him about how I was in the same hostel with a former flame of mine, or about the shit that boys get up to in the dormitories, and he would get upset and start acting like I had cheated on him or something. The friendships that I shared with those girls that used to pass my handwritten notes to him suddenly became a problem for him. He knew I was besties with these girls, especially the ones in his school, and was often complaining about our closeness.

Our relationship had drama, but we persevered.

Or so I thought.

Because WAEC soon came and passed, and graduation was speeding forward. I didn’t have much time to stay in Nigeria after graduation and I wanted to communicate this to Papi, for us to spend as much time together as we could before I had to travel out. However, all of a sudden, Papi stopped texting me back. He stopped picking my calls too. I got worried and reached out to his friends, and they told me he was good, but just didn’t want to talk to me.

This went on for weeks. I was at my wit’s end. I had no idea what could have caused him to freeze me out like this. However, I kept on texting him, hoping he would respond. We had made all these plans about our life together after graduation – plans to travel abroad in pursuit of our education and the kind of life we wanted to live. And now, here I was, on the cusp of leaving Nigeria, and he had gone MIA on me. I was distraught. The entire week I spent in Abuja during the processing of my visa, I texted and called. But Papi was unmoved in his silence.

Then I travelled, and still Papi wouldn’t talk to me. A few days after I was settled in the UK, I got a call from him, and just as my joy was about to erupt from hearing his voice, he snatched that away with the words he said to me: “Rai, I care about you. But I cannot talk to you anymore. Please stop texting me.”

And just as the day he told me he liked me was the greatest day of my life, this day became the worst. I felt my heart freeze, and then begin to splinter. Cracks appearing here and there, as I asked, “Why?”

“I just can’t,” he said. And he ended the call.

And my heart went on to shatter into smithereens.

I called him back. But he cut me off. I kept on trying to reach him anywhere I could, but soon realised that he had blocked me. Everywhere. Everyone I reached out to for help to reconnect us had nothing to say to me. Not his friends, not my friends. It was just a big mess.

I was spiraling. I couldn’t just let him go. I kept replaying our entire relationship in my head, trying to see where I had gone wrong. Questions wreaked havoc in my mind. Should I have tried harder to be a better boyfriend during the time we were in school? All those times we fought – should I have simply let him have his way? Was I wrong in leaving him in Nigeria? Maybe I should have waited, at least until I knew what was going on with him before traveling? Do I go back to Nigeria to find him?

The questions were maddening because they had no answers for me. Papi just shut me out without an explanation. I was left with a broken heart and no closure.

But somehow, I survived it. The months passed and turned into years. I carried on with living and my education.

Four years passed, and it was 2018. This was when Papi made a reappearance in my life – when he sent me a friend request on Facebook. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. Seeing that friend request beckoning to me caused a mix of emotions to surge through me. Rage. Resentment. Sadness. Affection. Love.

I was still in love with him, and I hit Accept.

I went over to Messenger and the first thing I asked was why he left me.

He replied. Said it hadn’t been only me, that he stopped talking to everyone.

I felt insulted by that. I wasn’t everyone. Whatever he was going through, I deserved a better treatment than everyone.

He agreed. Said he was sorry. That he was just going through a lot and was so overwhelmed, and didn’t want to drag me into his complicated life. And so, he had to end our friendship the way he did.

Friendship?

Had this guy just called what we had a friendship?!

I was outraged. I was still simmering with resentment over everything, and hearing him qualify our relationship as a mere friendship sent me over the edge. I flipped out on him, and he raged back. Our furious back-and-forth went for a while, and then he blocked me.

After this, I calmed some. I reached out to a friend and got his number, and called him. When he answered, I said immediately before he got it in his head to hang up: “I just want to talk, Papi. Can we talk?”

There was a pause, and then he said gruffly, “Yes.”

“Can you tell me what happened to complicate your life?” I asked.

And he told me. He said his father had lost out on a major business deal, and a couple of days later, his sister, who had been placed in his care, had gotten into an accident that left her temporarily disfigured. There had been just so much going on with his family, that he couldn’t carry on being happy with me.

We were now talking. I was grateful for that. But I wanted my Papi back. I wanted us to get back to being what we were to each other. But there was a problem. Every time we talked and I brought up the topic of our relationship, he would either get really angry and end the call, or would act like he didn’t know what I was talking about. It was frustrating. I didn’t know what was going on with him to make him treat me this way. Like all I’d ever been to him was a friend.

One evening, filled with frustrated feelings, I opened up to him. Poured out my heart to me. Hoping to trigger the loving guy who had wanted to buy a house next to mine and make our wives become best friends so we could continue seeing each other.

And when I was done talking, he very woodenly said, “Everything I did or said back then, I did because I didn’t want you to stop being friends with me.”

Those words felt like a slap to my face.

But I wasn’t ready to give up. I would soon be returning to Nigeria. So, I figured when I come back, we would meet face to face and sort all this out.

When I came back to Nigeria, I told him. But he made no effort to see me. I would tell him that I’d send my driver to come pick him up wherever he was, and he would give excuses about how busy he was with school work. At some point, I was begging him to just give me a few hours of his day, that I just wanted us to sort things out between us. I was desperate, even though it had begun to increasingly dawn on me that Papi no longer cared for me the way he used to. I remember once telling him “I love you”, and he chuckled and said, “As a friend”, as though to remind me that I was nothing special to him.

So, wanting to see him… I had no expectations. I just wanted to talk things out face-to-face with him, to get closure.

The day he finally came around to see me, he came with a friend. I was so exasperated. How the fuck was I going to talk about how I was feeling with his friend sitting there?

So, I asked – no, I pleaded with him to come to see me again. He said he was currently doing his IT, and he had his logbook to fill, and yada, yada, yada. These were all just excuses. I kept vacillating between anger and this desperation over him. It didn’t hep that my friends were on my case to just let him go.

Because of my emotional instability, I knew I wouldn’t be able to let him go until he hurts me. I needed him to say things to me that are cruel and hurtful. I needed him to tell me to fuck off. I had to hurt. I had to feel immense pain. Don’t get me wrong; I was already hurting from his rejection, but it wasn’t enough to pierce through to my core. Only his cruelty to me would get me the pain I needed to help me let him go. I needed a reason to shut him out, and the only way that could be achieved was if he acted the bad guy. And to get him to do this, I needed to draw first blood.

So, I called him and I hurled verbal abuse at him. I said a lot of things I was regretting saying even as I was saying them. Things I didn’t mean. I called him names. Ungrateful. Hateful. Stupid. An asshole. A gold digger. A waste of time. Every vile thing I could think of.

All the while, expecting him to light back on me. To match me hateful word for hateful word. To make me hate him over his cruelty.

But he made me feel worse than I already did when he heard me out to the end, and the only response he gave was to calmly tell me that he didn’t know why I was acting like this, but he would always wish me well. I felt lower than pond scum after that phone call.

Lord knows that I love this kid. I probably always will. He may not love me, or he may be dealing with some acceptance issues. But I love him. There’s probably nothing I wouldn’t do for him. I do not know how to express in words what I feel for this guy. My therapist says I just need to get some closure, and that will help me move on. But how can I get closure from a guy who has refused to even acknowledge that there was a relationship to begin with? How is he capable of making me feel like everything we had was all in my head?

Written by Rai

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32 Comments

  1. A boy named Man
    January 24, 07:58 Reply

    “How is he capable of making me feel like everything we had was all in my head?”

    Because it was all in your head mate, that’s why. Why do people do stupid stuff like this? What you’re doing is called sexual harrassment. He’s not your therapist!
    Abeg move on.

    • Pink Panther
      January 24, 10:00 Reply

      Sexual harassment? His therapist?

      Are you sure you read the story well at all, or did you start at the beginning and then skipped to the end?

      • Julian_woodhouse
        January 25, 08:38 Reply

        Sorry, is it ever the case that he just flirted around with homosexuality while discovering himself the same way that some gay people mess around with women before landing in the rainbow kingdom? Because a lot of the times when there was a guy from sec school that was some type of way back then and isnt’t now, we tend to claim IH. What if it was just part of the journey to discovering oneself and also, assuming it wasn’t. He was in love with you back then is no guarantee that he’d fall for you a second time. In the end, we love people despite and not because of and you really can’t ever force some1 to be in love with you. You sound smart, driven and have cash so… Be more proactive on social media, get a few dates , fuck a few of them. In a short while, you’d be asking Papi who? We’ve all been through similar shii… You’d survive. Oh and mute him on your social media apps, because if you block him, when you do eventually unblock him, which you will. You’d now find yourself wondering if he ever tried to communicate to you during that period and then, the cycle continues

    • Rai ❤️
      January 24, 10:55 Reply

      Bruv, Bro, Manz , if you’ve got nothing nice to say i beg you to move on and say nothing. What do you mean it was all in my head, enlighten me to what role you played in the situation that led you to draw such conclusions. I know for a fact that you played no role, non and you come in the comments to talk TRASH absolute TRASH. I forgive you tho illness runs in several families xo

      • Dee
        January 24, 17:33 Reply

        Rai, there’s another way you could go about the whole issue. Don’t get offended but ikInda you don’t mind, I’d like to talk to you in private. Could you email me?

      • Ebube Omari
        March 04, 08:51 Reply

        Hi Rai!
        You’ll be fine…
        I’ve been there too, and I’m fine, at least I feel fine…
        We can have more personal conversations.
        Email me if you can.
        Ebube.

    • Adichie
      January 24, 15:18 Reply

      You really didn’t read this article. Therapist I can see in the article but how and when was any sort of sexual harassment indicated

      • Pink Panther
        January 24, 18:03 Reply

        The person he’s even saying is the therapist is Papi. Lol. Like, I can’t even.

  2. R.black
    January 24, 09:40 Reply

    Welcome to the vicious cycle…
    U’ll get over him, find another person and the same thing or something similar will happen and you’ll grieve and get over that one …. And on and on it goes…
    That’s the curse of being queer in Nigeria… Lighten up, the worst is yet to come… 😛

    Nice story and writing tho…

  3. AduResa
    January 24, 10:45 Reply

    I think you’ve given this guy too much of power over you, and this is very toxic for your sanity. Please put in energy into healing, this was never meant to be and will never be. Stop trying to figure out whether it was all in your head or it was real. You’ve had enough! Just heal.

  4. Higwe
    January 24, 12:10 Reply

    I always get depressed reading this type of stories and the sad thing is that, they constitute 70 percent of the story submissions here.
    Can the gay clime in Nigeria ever be less dysfunctional?
    Is there any hope at all?
    *sighs *

  5. Chizzie
    January 24, 14:27 Reply

    Sometimes the best thing to do is just let go and by that I mean complete separation, block, delete, ignore, the whole 9 yards, for your own peace of mind. Some bridges have to be burned to prevent from going to the past, and you also need to realise that some memories and feelings can never be replicate no matter how hard you try to initiate them.

    Just let go, we’ve all had Papi’s in our lives so your experience is not unique, but if you let go, you become receptive to better things and people, and sure enough you’ll look back and realise, what the eff was I thinking?.

    Oh and right off the bat you can tell Papi suffers from internalised homophobia, and still hasn’t come to terms with his sexuality, its a mess that should be left alone.

  6. Bussy
    January 24, 14:57 Reply

    I’ve been here once but in my case I was an adult, fresh 22yrs old adult who was in love with an older man ( I love older men, not just older men but chubby bearded igbo men 😜) and this doc at the teaching hospital in uniport, never for once made me feel like it was love. always video call, SMS and chats and I we ever met , he was in a hurry to always return back to work or just leave .
    I had to ask him if twas becos of my age once during our hangout but he said no, that age was just a number that he loved me quite alright but yet he never made it feel so real.
    I’ve never been attracted to someone like that before in my entire rainbow life except for this doctor( of course he did blocked me for 8months after I told him he made me atyms looked stupid and I wasn’t interested anymore and moved on) Twas just last week ,wen I got a new line that I decided to try his number surprisingly it went through cos at some time i usually did use other numbers to try calling but never went through, twas always switched off.
    But that weekend wen i called his line,it wasnt him that picked but a woman ,and wen i asked if the doc was around she told me ,he was asleep and that she could take a message for him ( inside my mind, i was like “who the heck is this woman “) and like she read my thoughts she asked if anything was wrong ,that doc is actually her husband and blah blah blah blah, I couldn’t hear a thing anymore,was lost trying the fix the puzzle in my mind , like how did he get married within 8months ??😔
    Twas then my heart sank,like i’ve never felt such heartbreak before ,so this man never loved me back.😢😢😢
    i hanged up but i later got a call from the doc himself ,asking who i was but i told him twas a wrong number but he wouldnt give in and kept calling ,i did the needful,i blacklisted the number,deleted everything about him ( i kept all his sms and pics for those 8months even after he blocked me off)😭😭😭😭😭but i guessed he did really really moved on after all, who knows maybe he’s expecting a child with his wife.

    • Pink Panther
      January 24, 18:02 Reply

      SMH. I absolutely feel your pain. It really sucks when you fall in love with men like this.

  7. Colossus
    January 24, 15:02 Reply

    “Because of my emotional instability, I knew I wouldn’t be able to let him go until he hurts me. I needed him to say things to me that are cruel and hurtful. I needed him to tell me to fuck off. I had to hurt. I had to feel immense pain. Don’t get me wrong; I was already hurting from his rejection, but it wasn’t enough to pierce through to my core. Only his cruelty to me would get me the pain I needed to help me let him go. I needed a reason to shut him out, and the only way that could be achieved was if he acted the bad guy. And to get him to do this, I needed to draw first blood”

    This right here sums up the entire post. You were teenagers, it’s normal to have mixed emotions especially when one party comes on strong. Clearly you pushed and pushed and pushed till he was worn down. When he decided to let go, you refused to let go.

    I want to call this love but its hard, its really hard to see this as love.

  8. Colossus
    January 24, 15:12 Reply

    Your therapist was right, get some closure. You don’t need him to get some closure because clearly you were the only one in a relationship. Let’s not call the faux jealousy on his part or the sexting. Anything done in the teenage years when hormones were raging does not really count. Now as an adult, he isn’t planning on having a relationship. He still tries his utmost best to remain a friend despite the circumstances so take a cue from that, get closure.

  9. Black Dynasty
    January 24, 16:36 Reply

    Don’t ever let a man tell you he doesn’t want you twice… the first time should be the last time. He’s made it beyond clear with words and actions.

    You truly need to understand that you cannot make or force someone to love you back. Unrequited love is painful but it is life and you can move on if you choose to. Leave with whatever is left of your self respect and dignity, keep it moving.

    I say this as someone who was randomly cut off and blocked on all the available media @ the time (hi5 and Yahoo/msn messenger) 4 years into a relationship. Took me a while to get over it cos I really and truly loved him but you will be fine las las as they say.

  10. Kristo
    January 24, 17:08 Reply

    Dear Rai,

    I totally get and understand what is happening to you… u know I had something like this 4 a course mate of mine… bliv me Wen I say it wasn’t pleasant @ all… the guy being a heterosexual and all (No, he did not tell anyone…. but even after he rejected me. I still kept on with the fantasy…. till I got real hurt)

    yes!

    I gerrit!

    u just need to loosen up and erase the lovet-dovey dreams u hv and move on!

    need more “professional” therapist’s advice?

    see me in camera

    nb: collect my email from the admin

    I only take cash

    *wink*

  11. J
    January 24, 18:16 Reply

    LOL this is my current predicament. Believe me, it’s nothing but love… If you love someone truly, it will be hard to let go even if all the warning signs are there.

    This guy has all I want in a man. He likes music, he’s cute, has beards, likes watching movies, he’s the indoor type and he’s very cheerful. I fell in love with him the very first day I saw him. Just thinking about him alone makes me feel so happy. To crown it all he’s Pisces while I am Virgo, perfect combination! I love him more after knowing his zodiac sign, we are perfect match!

    I will write this love story, I just hope it ends well… I used to say love doesn’t exist, but now I know it does. Truth is you can’t force anyone to love you, but you can force yourself to love someone that loves you. Maturity has nothing to do with love, you’ll be the greatest fool when you fall in love. Don’t blame yourself if you’re disappointed, you’ve disappointed someone before, so feel the pain and learn to appreciate true love when it comes to you.

  12. Patrick
    January 24, 18:36 Reply

    Boy drama… I empathize with Higwe.
    And unrequited love is as tragic as the loss of a dear one. But Rai, you’ve just got to move on from this.
    Try.

  13. Malik
    January 24, 20:09 Reply

    Send him this link as a final resort (or semi-final resort). Let him hear your love affair with him from your point of view. And be ready to let go because love does that too. It would be selfish to rush or push him into a relationship he is unprepared for. Also, be ready to have the kind of closure where no one does anything hurtful to the other and you just move on with your lives, learning to be happy on your own.

    It must be hard for you, but give yourself time to heal and thumbs-up for talking about it. You’re on the path to getting over him and becoming a titanium-hearted bitch. Lol. You’ll be alright.

    • Rai❤️
      January 24, 20:58 Reply

      Yes very that, the titanium bitch stuff. Thank you x
      and i will try.

  14. Rai❤️
    January 24, 21:16 Reply

    Thank you guys so much for the encouragement x
    Moving on comes easy to some but to those of us that it takes a mountain we gats take our time and go through the process. I know im not the only one, alot of people have been through what I’ve been through eg j, bussy etc its amazing what we get as gay/bi/Q/T/S …. men and women. Lol shits meant to be easy right but hey ho we get what we get. I really don’t know what to do about my emotions for this boy, people say we only get one love our entire life could it be that i found mine but because of some cosmic F you he didn’t love me too 🙄. Finally thing is I’m 80% sure I don’t want a relationship I just want to know WTF happened, i need that to seal the coffin. I know i would always care for him but at the end of the day I can only give so much of my time, energy and mental space. I need to be done and i know what i want

  15. Dickson Clement
    January 24, 22:27 Reply

    For the first time in a long while I just do not have an opinion. Just questions flashing through my subconscious mind. Am I very shallow and superficial? Sincerely I know love exists and I’ve seen the down side of it though it has been a long while. I have never felt any strong emotion for anyone ever. It only last for a season. I’ve equally been turned down but once I’m back to my phone, the world keeps rolling.

    Now, out if sight is out of mind! That is the honest strategy. I remove myself from any negative emotion. It is bad for business! Over time you learn how to suppress them. Try and relocate, get a new project, go to the gym, exercise, anything that can completely drown your attention. In my experience, it takes some time, but they always come back n I’m mostly not even interested at these times. Then one question often presents- why was I ever crushing on this human being?

  16. BuBu
    January 24, 23:25 Reply

    Beautiful write up Rai 🌈 🌈 🌈

    Been a victim of all these love from one end thing! And I must say they are the worst feeling and experience. The best bet is to move on already. It 2019, you’d meet a better Man! Y’all grown now. Take good care of your soul love. xoxo

  17. Sim
    January 26, 13:01 Reply

    I don’t understand the search for closure in relationships. That’s just a way to set ourselves up for more heartbreaks. Especially when the other person has shown signs and even said they don’t want to be in that relationship anymore. What more does he want to say or what more must he do before you get the message? This seeking for closure is beginning to look like the making of a stalker. Can’t classify this as love, just that ‘I can’t take no for an answer, so I must bother you till you tell me to go fuck myself’ feeling.

  18. Jinchuriki
    January 26, 16:01 Reply

    That last bit about figuring out how to get closure from someone who would not even acknowledge the fact that a relationship even existed is a seriously disturbing thing. Seen it too many times in other people’s relationships, even experienced it too. It’s the most annoying thing to experience.

  19. swan
    January 28, 14:53 Reply

    this is not love. This is a whole new level of selfish

  20. Babe
    January 29, 18:49 Reply

    I don’t know why I haven’t had this kind of head over heels attraction, perhaps because I’m still starting on life lol

  21. […] him, even if it’s unclear sometimes if he takes me for a friend or a fool. And knowing him, and knowing Papi, and knowing all the men I have in my life, I can’t help but wonder why fine boys have so much […]

  22. Kvng
    March 04, 13:44 Reply

    I feel ur pain Rai, i really do. I believe the reason for ur pain is that u ave built so much hope on papi that even if he told u years back that he didn’t like u the way u liked him, u wud be hurt. U ave given him so much power over ur love life and sometimes wen pple know the kind of power they wield over us, they tend to use it well. Wat i wud say is, get a book, write down how u feel, it really helps, talk about ur feelings with ur frnds who would neither judge ur choice or question ur decision, learn to let go, accept he is not urs to begin with and to be honest, this is only the beginning of these kind of drama.
    Pick urself up, remind urself of how strong, handsome, amazing u re, even if u have to write it on ur door, mirror, to read every morning, do it, stay with positive frnds that make u laugh, talk more about how u feel, i believe in time u will realize papi is not special, u only made him special, also u re stopping urself from seeing another wonderful guy cos u re still blinded by hurt. Ur happiness lies with u not with any papi, no one has the power to make u feel bad unless u let them so learn ur mistakes and move on. No one ever said u won’t get hurt along the line but it all makes u a wonderful person in the end. Fall in love over and over again, fuck different guys but use condom sha 😁, go shopping with frnds, visit the gym if u can, watch movies, pls life is too short to weave it arnd one guy.

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