He’s Just Not That Into Anyone Else

He’s Just Not That Into Anyone Else

g11One fine evening, I was driving along Toyin Street in the Lagos suburb of Ikeja. I was minding my own business; hitting on any one or scoring was the last thing on my mind. I was just trying to get home after the day’s activities. I was also enjoying the thrill of driving in my red BMW 3 Series. It was and still is a fantastic auto which I totally loved to bits and still reminisce on and miss till this day. Anyone who has ever owned or driven a BMW can tell you more about these amazing masterpieces of German engineering.

As I navigated my way through the usual evening traffic, I suddenly saw him. Or rather IT! I mean, I didn’t see his face, nope. I rather saw his backside. I was instantly captivated, and it took a supreme effort not to smash into the back of the car in front of me. I can still see clearly, in my head, the sway of those hips, the way his walk accentuated his shapely hips. Here was a guy who had cakes and who knew how to move them. I’ll be straight up with you (I’m not straight though), I LOOOOVE cakes! I think they are one of the most beautiful parts of the male anatomy.

And the dude who owned these ones – there was no way in all of Lagos I wasn’t going to try to chat him up, get to know him. I mean – Dayum! Those cakes!

Meanwhile, my gaydar was already going off uncontrollably. It was beeping and pinging, with the sounds reaching a shrieking crescendo with each passing second.

I slowed the car down till I pulled up alongside him. It was a few seconds before he noticed that I was driving at his same pace. He looked at me quizzically. Slapping on my most charming smile, I motioned for him to come closer, and in my best Queen’s English accent, I asked for directions to Opebi. Opebi of all places! That must have been the dumbest set of directions to ask for; I mean, who in Lagos doesn’t know the way from Opebi to Ikeja? It’s such an easy and direct route, that even a first time visitor to Lagos can literally find his way unaided from Ikeja to Opebi. But hey now, I’m only trying to work out a strategy to get at those cakes, and this was the only excuse I could muster up at the time for stopping and talking to Mister HotCakes.

Luckily, the absurdity of my request seemed not to have struck him, as he did his utmost to provide directions to Opebi. Emboldened, I requested that he accompany me in my car to show me the way to Opebi. Expectedly, he refused, saying he never got into strange vehicles. I had no further tricks in my bag and at this point I decided to give up the chase, this platter of premium man-cakes was probably not meant for me. Oh well…

I was about to shift my car back into gear and drive off when he suddenly had a change of heart. I still don’t know what happened, because I said or did nothing further. He just stopped me as I was about to zoom off and got in the car.

As we drove towards Opebi, I engaged him in conversation, tried to get to know him better and all. I told him I was bored and would deeply appreciate it if he agreed to drive around with me a bit as I was enjoying his company. He readily agreed to this. This was how we kept driving and talking and somehow, somewhere I blurted out that I had gay tendencies. Kevin (that’s his name) responded by asking what the word ‘gay’ meant. I was shocked to my roots, what 28-year-old man – even if he had just moved from Warri to Lagos, as Kevin had – doesn’t know what it means to be gay? Well, I set about explaining in all its lurid and graphic details what it meant to be gay and what gay sex was like.

I expected that at this point, he would do the regular homophobic Nigerian thing; shudder in disgust, snap his fingers and angrily demand that I stop and allow him get out from my vehicle, perhaps heaping generous portions of curses laced with biblical teachings at me. However, naïve Kevin totally surprised me; he burst into peals of uncontrollable laughter which bothered me, because this was a total departure from the usual reaction I had become accustomed to from Nigerian men. When I asked why he was laughing, he told me that no, he wasn’t gay, and that he had never in his entire life been hit on by a man. For some weird reason, rather than feeling disgusted and repulsed, he had instead found it extremely funny.

Reassured, I pressed on. “I know you’re not one, but I would really appreciate it if you tried it with me for the first time, loosen up a bit and not be so selfish with yourself. It’s not bad, like you think.” In response to this, he laughed some more, and then asked that I drive towards his house and drop him off.

I obliged him. We got to his stop, and he proceeded to get out from the car. I looked on, feeling my hopes getting dashed. It wasn’t a nice feeling. I was preparing to drive off when he suddenly requested for my phone number. I immediately began to wonder if he was trying to play some sort of mind game on me or if perhaps he was somehow setting plans in motion to expose and scandalize me. A small alarm bell had just replaced the earlier shrieking of my gaydar. I decided to politely end it all, then that I still had the chance. Abeg, there was too much weirdness going on. He repeated his request for my number which I finally provided him with. As he walked away he said, “If I call you tomorrow, then you have my answer to your ‘request’. But if I don’t, then you also have your answer.”

The next day was spent in a fit of curiosity and impatience. I kept looking at my phone and sometimes imagining in my head that it was ringing when it actually wasn’t. And then, at exactly 4pm – Yes! The exact time and date are forever etched in my memory as if carved on marble – I picked up the phone, and lo and behold, it was him!

“Hi, this is Kevin …”

We exchanged pleasantries and agreed that I would pick him up at the close of work.

I raced to complete the rest of my tasks for the day, jumped into my car and practically raced across the Third Mainland Bridge like I was being chased by demons from the pits of Armageddon. I crossed the seemingly endless expanse of that long bridge in about fifteen minutes! And headed to his place to pick him up. We headed to my place where I changed into more casual clothes. All this time, I tried to joke and banter with him in a bid to loosen him up, but he remained quiet and sort of tense. So I suggested we go out for a few drinks. I sensed that as a Warri boy, this would loosen him up faster than anything else could. I was obviously correct and then some! Because just as we were about to step out of my apartment, our eyes locked. Kelvin is a good-looking and tall, over 6ft tall. We stared at each other for a few moments, perhaps communicating our inner needs subconsciously. Impulsively, he grabbed me and pulled me close as he bent his head downwards to meet my lips. And just like that, we were kissing. I was surprised at what a skilled kisser he was, considering that he had never kissed a man before that time. We kissed in a frenzy of lust-driven passion for over five minutes. It was a blissful exploration of our senses via our mouths. Years have passed since that first kiss, but the memory of that day is one that shall always remain fresh in my mind.

We eventually went out to a bar for drinks, where we got to know more about each other and of course, make firm plans for the following day.

At exactly 4pm the next day, just like clockwork, he called and we agreed that I would pick him up once I was done with work on that day. Later that evening, I picked him up and we headed to my flat. Once behind closed doors, I took off my shirt, and this time there was no tension or anxiety on his part. He quickly took my cue and started to take off his clothes. Soon, we were both butt naked and facing each other. Feeling a bit nervous, I started to suck his dick which remained limp and soft despite all my efforts at stroking and sucking it, as if to affirm his earlier remarks about not being gay.

And yet he was in a room, naked, with another man! Weird as hell.

I decided to try to enter him, since his dick was obviously not going to be much use that day. I positioned him on his belly and gently oiled his ass crack. He lay motionless and offered no resistance as I slowly slid my rock hard dick into him. Okay, there’s not going to be any lurid narrative of what happened. (lol) But one thing was, I was too amped and hyped up with excitement and eagerness, so much so, that I came in less than two minutes.

Oh well…

This was however the beginning of our 5-year-long tryst, one that went on until I got married. Shortly afterwards, he did as well. We still see each other every now and then. And no, he’s still not gay; he’s adamant that he has no sexual relations with any other man. He’s just not that into any other man… Well, except for Yours Truly.

Written by King

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  1. enKayced
    September 12, 04:33 Reply

    King and his harem of Kevins… Totally relatable.
    There was this dude I had the hots for while still in University in 2008.
    On that fateful day, I summoned up courage and told him ‘Everytime I see you, I feel like fucking you’ then I waited to hear the insult of my life.
    Imagine my utmost shock when the guy replied ‘It is still possible!’
    I was tongue tied for a full week.
    Anyway, till today we are still friends.
    Wouldn’t want to bother y’all with the rest of the story.
    After all, he’s just not that into any other man!

  2. JustJames
    September 12, 05:00 Reply

    I could tell immediately from the start that this story was by King. Lol. The passion with which he talks about cakes though…

  3. Samaurai
    September 12, 05:36 Reply

    Lol
    King, you crossed Third Mainland Bridge in about fifteen minutes?? You must have been flying, man!! Even if Hades himself was hot on your heels, that is no mean feat. Just for the loves of “cakes”.

    Well, the story is interesting sha. That’s the real definition of STRAIGHT. Homophobia has never been, and will never be equal to being straight. How I wish our homophobic, straight pretenders will read stories like this.

  4. maxonex
    September 12, 05:48 Reply

    “like I was being chased by demons from the pits of Armageddon”…… Hahahahahahahaha

  5. Dennis Macauley
    September 12, 06:09 Reply

    “Came in less than 2 minutes” ROTFL
    How embarrasing that must have been

    Kevin: baby go faster

    King: erm Its like i came already

    Kevin: huh?

    *sips herbal tea*
    LOL

  6. redroyale
    September 12, 06:13 Reply

    A good read, painstakingly detailed, no blurry lines whatsoever. But come o… When would some of us however, grow enough balls to get a front row experience of this kind of story you are sharing, would we keep quiet??? Chai! The truth is, no dating site, link-up or any other vessel for that matter can out-fun that one experience of seeing what you want and risking it all. This is definitely a next step for me, and hopefully I’d share it here someday acknowledging KING as one of my muses, but till then I’m just going to keep having nice times with every guy I fancy in my well equipped utopian mansion.

  7. chestnut
    September 12, 06:29 Reply

    This story sweet DIE!!! I didn’t even find myself rushing and skipping to the “interesting parts”…and it had d perfect length; not to short, and definitely not tooooo looooooonnnnggg!(No shade…hehehe).
    It’s strange tho,that a 28 year old man with a juicy ass (and he KNOWS how to “sway” those hips when walking) worthy of causing road accidents, had never been propositioned by a man…he didn’t even know what d word “gay” meant! Oh that Kevin…I’m giving him side-eye for that one…*sips water*

    • trystham
      September 12, 10:49 Reply

      …and goes in without resistance even after adding all the products from Pears Baby oil factory…*draws on kunu*

  8. Rapu'm
    September 12, 06:34 Reply

    Interesting story. But if I were Kevin, and you came in two minutes, I’ll just break your head. Hehehe.

  9. daniel
    September 12, 06:35 Reply

    Forgets where opebi is, Crosses third mainland bridge in 15minutes, rushes to finish up work, and cums in 2minutes… Who does that? Issorait.. *continues watching telemundo*

    • pinkpanthertb
      September 12, 06:45 Reply

      Who does that? A guy in hot pursuit of cakes, methinks. Lol

      • daniel
        September 12, 13:28 Reply

        Pinkie and then he finally gets the cake and swallows it in 2minutes? Afterall that?

    • Micky
      September 12, 07:04 Reply

      Eyeneka akak mi o… I5 mins?? Nsa mi o…

      • Mr Bassey
        September 12, 08:40 Reply

        Dah owo, efut akeme ndi nam owo ata idiok mkpo oooo, I’ve made some really silly decisions on account of cakes oooo, trust me

      • daniel
        September 12, 13:29 Reply

        eyeneka mbokabeg I can’t deal..

    • king
      September 12, 07:48 Reply

      Didn’t cum or have sex d first date luv
      .it was in d second date and by then my excitement was…..!!!

      • xpressivejboy
        September 12, 08:35 Reply

        Wait, was the 15Mins on a work day, on same 3rd Mainland Bridge I ply everyday (Sat. n Sundays inclusive) of my life?

        Haba! King, okay, maybe it was during those work-days during the xmas period *raises brow*

        Lovely Tale, Though.

  10. Neon
    September 12, 06:59 Reply

    “Cakes” and “Kelvin”…. Intuition: that’s so King! *back to perusing Foreign Service Digest*

  11. Chizzie
    September 12, 07:03 Reply

    Thought this was going to turn out to be a Kito story but glad it didn’t. ..but then again this happened 5years ago when it was still relatively safe to pick up strangers from the street. All the times I’ve been approached on the street which happens often seeing as I don’t exactly bounce when i walk…I quickly dismiss them off curtly; Mostly cus I am afraid. The last time was by an Okada man…I laughed so hard and asked him if he were ok

    • pinkpanthertb
      September 12, 07:14 Reply

      This guy, you have stories worth reading… That much is apparent.

  12. kendigin
    September 12, 07:12 Reply

    BUHAHAHA!!
    Soooo in denial
    Dunno about yall but these days i quickly get turned off and uninterested in anyone whos homophobic or in denial.
    Like helloooooo its d 21st cemtury for christsakes…
    i also totallly stay away from warri boys. No offense but they mostly bad news i.e scandal and blackmail etc

  13. king
    September 12, 07:39 Reply

    Wow thanx so much guys for these comments and to you my ever bubbly pimply pinky….your the best. Yes your right Chizzie…it happened at the time when those wicked devils of kito ism hadn’t cum out if he’ll yet…but all in all I still had some trepidation but really bolstered me on was just the fact that he actually laffed when i told him! Wow that really told me a lot and by the way we still talk on the fone a couple of times every week till today…..he is married and now resides in warri and apparently his wife LIKES me….very much cause I helped her sister get a place in abuja when she was sorta stranded and the only person Kevin could call was me…well I guess if we were in London or d states u bet I would have been living with kevin no doubt!!! Thanx you all again and kisses for you my luv!

  14. JArch
    September 12, 07:53 Reply

    Without finishing the first paragraph I knew 100% that this was written by king. it couldn’t have been anyone else.

    Dennis thirst for cakes is nothing compared to king lol

    • Dennis Macauley
      September 12, 08:25 Reply

      At all oooo! My thirst no reach like this biko!

      Third Mainland Bridge in 15 minutes

      Chai

      #TheHustleIsReal

      • JArch
        September 12, 09:50 Reply

        Fast and Furious mixed with Mission Impossible…. You just can’t mess that when the thirst is beyond boiling point

  15. Mr Bassey
    September 12, 08:48 Reply

    Uhhhhhh Lawd!!!, I love cakes, I love to look at em, touch em, eat em, play with em, sleep on em, pound em…..when I meet people I check out their cakes before their faces even. King u could even be my brother.

    • king
      September 12, 12:57 Reply

      Same brother from another mother sure!!

  16. Lothario
    September 12, 09:40 Reply

    Lol! OK….this story is on point! Was feeling it from all angles. Did something this crazy recently, and it paid off. I have to say, sometimes risking it all is worth it.

    In other news, King let’s be friends. I’m really curious about “Married Life and the Sexually Active Gay Gent”. Tell me all!

    • king
      September 12, 12:51 Reply

      Yeah am all yours….whadaya wanna know??

      • Lothario
        September 12, 13:06 Reply

        First of all…does she know? Aren’t you scared she’ll find out?

  17. Legalkoboko
    September 12, 09:52 Reply

    everyone’s hunt for cakes seems so dramatic except mine. I need to inject more excitement into mine oo.
    Anyway, there is something so urgently compelling and overwhelming about cakes which I think King so skillfully captured here.
    And I feel relieved this didn’t end up as a kito story. Well done King.

  18. JArch
    September 12, 10:09 Reply

    Lol pinky dear, to be fair tho, we love sausages just as much as they love cakes, the only difference is we’re classy about it and don’t jump into a frenzy about sausages.

    We simply just adjust our blouses and bra, then give a come-hiter look *applies more lipgloss like Declan*

  19. Paul
    September 12, 12:13 Reply

    Cool story! Tells me a lot of my boldness.
    I’m dat proverbial cat dat curiosity wuld kill someday. I jst want to knw and confirm tins abt my silly gaydar.
    Ds story reminds me of my recent project wit my barber.
    Story still loading and there’s a lot of green light @ d tunnel’s end
    I no too sabi english,so I no sure say I fit write d story @ d end!
    Nice 1 kings.
    Cheers y’all

    • king
      September 12, 12:47 Reply

      Ah don’t worry pls..Our Pinky will help us to download and upload as well abi pink luv?

    • pinkpanthertb
      September 12, 12:48 Reply

      You must gist us oo. Simply email the general yarns to me and I’ll take care of it. 🙂

  20. JArch
    September 12, 12:45 Reply

    “I’m dat proverbial cat dat curiosity wuld kill someday.” You’re just insane Paul, but then life is short so make it count #TeamYOLO.

    Meanwhile, just give pinky the headlines for your story to Pinky and she’ll work – or rather werk- her magic into it and drop it like its hot.

    There’s just something so exciting about barbers, maybe its because of the close proximity of their schlong-sausages to you hand or arm while cutting your hair, and for a brief moment you feel adventurous and breeze your fingers across those bulges

    Ok am done

    • king
      September 12, 12:50 Reply

      Jarch…not only barbers, mechanics, okada riders, house boys, bricklayers, gate men aaaahh ooooh heaven on earth!!!!

      • JArch
        September 12, 12:54 Reply

        Loool its only king that will shag a bricklayer and houseboys

      • Paul
        September 12, 13:11 Reply

        *habaaa kings dia ris god in all ds ur perversion o.
        Ur affinity for uncouth guys exceeds mine n makes mine jealous.
        I still remember dt story of d meruwa guy (d water man) here some months bak
        Jarch-u need deliverance aswear down!
        I c U need a barber who cn shave ‘craze’ off ur head n pubic region.
        Some pple hv clippers here(abi king I lie?)

  21. Dennis Macauley
    September 12, 13:27 Reply

    What I love about this blog is the diversity it parades, which is a reflection of life itself;

    There are the drama queens

    The narcissistic diva

    The intelligenistas

    The Disney princesses

    The cake thirsty tops

    The wall flowers

    Oya find your spot and stand by it

    *drops mic, runs away*

    • JArch
      September 12, 13:39 Reply

      I saw what you did there…Narcissistic Diva (and not Divas)

      Throwing a total eclipse this lovely afternoon eh?

      • pinkpanthertb
        September 12, 14:07 Reply

        LMAO! And it is looking quite shady in your corner Jarch

      • JArch
        September 12, 14:16 Reply

        Very very shady pinky.

      • Dennis Macauley
        September 12, 14:17 Reply

        Eclipse? LOL
        No its just, never mind
        *eats my bole’ and roasted fish*

    • JustJames
      September 12, 19:21 Reply

      Can’t find mine… we need a longer list

  22. daniel
    September 12, 13:39 Reply

    Having successfully spotted my category, I’m wondering just which category mrs Macaulay belongs, maybe I can port…. Meanwhile, I haven’t seen Arabian Princess in a while. Pinkie how far?

    • pinkpanthertb
      September 12, 14:05 Reply

      I’m not my sister’s keeper abeg. That is not what the Bible commanded.

      • daniel
        September 12, 18:28 Reply

        Chai!! Chai!! Chai!!! Diariz God o..

  23. Andrevn
    September 12, 13:51 Reply

    y was this post erotic in some way?…….i do have my kevins….guys that i am so content ar not gay buh have hot steaming sex with….just twisted in some way i’d say……

    • King
      September 12, 16:41 Reply

      Ooooh I just loved the way you’ve categorised the ‘kevins’….those that are not gay but will just do U alone and and only U…

  24. Andrevn
    September 12, 14:10 Reply

    on other issues dear KDs i have a royally baked kito story with all the rainbow flavours still in the oven..already written the first draft as it happen’d….will definitely send it to you Ptigress as it unfolds….PS: cast- myself, step cousin n my cosmetic damaged uncle.

    • King
      September 12, 16:38 Reply

      It better be a true story and not a fiction of some imagination biko

  25. yzee2013
    September 12, 20:06 Reply

    in oda news i stumbled upon a realy nice reality show bout black american gay guys who r straitactin n thuggish lookin…its called “tha life atlanta” lol one of d guys said atlanta is d mecca of gays n if u can find a guy to date you for sixty days witout cheatin its a miracle n equivalent to 5yrs of heterosexual dating..lots of shade throwin

  26. enigmous
    September 13, 07:39 Reply

    Ooohhh King…if only I get it down low with u & drop it like its hot, am sure madam wifey will understand

    • king
      September 13, 13:57 Reply

      Ah….well not that she won’t mind but am already hooked with Mrs King here..and he is feisty…..woof!! u know what I mean…so duck biko..before her shotgun goes off and ur head is on a platter!!!

  27. Immanuel
    October 27, 08:07 Reply

    Lol!!! The construction of this story is just right. Every part is def worth reading. And honestly, it got me thinking about many married men I know, and if they could be gay. And let’s just say, I can’t get out off bed just yet…

    • king
      October 28, 02:03 Reply

      Don’t worry luv…i have another TRUE story to send to pinky and it’s just as raunchy as this one….take a sit luv..relax..your in for a great ride!

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