August 16

One time I invited someone over for a shag. I asked if he’d be down for a flip-fuck session and he said no because he’s top. I decided to take his word for it and he allowed me to at least rim him. Then we started to bang. It sucked at first till I suggested we switch positions. Then I lay on my belly and he slid in and it was like magic in my rectum.

It felt so good that in a matter of seconds, I was coming without really touching myself. Then it started to hurt. A lot!

I told him to stop. He refused. He pinned me down and said breathily that he’d come soon. I tried to struggle and repeatedly told him to stop. He didn’t and I had to endure him pounding away for a couple of minutes till he was done. I stood up without a word and went to shower.

It was late at night and it didn’t feel right to send him back to his place because my neighborhood was dangerous. I however treated him coolly for the rest of his stay and proceeded to ignore his existence. I felt violated and disrespected and he was smiling at me as if he had done the best thing in the world. Even attempted to cuddle me while I was asleep. He was gone the next morning and I tried not to think back on that night as often as possible.

However I sometimes do and what I feel is some weird sort of darkness in a tiny part of my heart. I get angry or sad or both and I hate myself for getting into that position.

I saw him a few years later. Actually he paid me an impromptu visit. I’m not sure how he had figured out where I had moved to. I guess he’d seen me around that area or coming out of my compound a few times. I invited him in. I was over what he had done to me (at least enough to be civil) but I felt I needed to point out it was a douchebaggy thing to do.

The words that left his lips however were, “So you finished enjoying and then didn’t want me to enjoy my own…”

I didn’t know a lot about what it meant to be abused and/or raped. I thought it could only happen to females and it involved lack of consent from the get go. All I knew was that I had felt violated by what he had done. I tried to explain to him that when someone playing bottom comes, anal penetration begins to hurt like a bitch. But I shouldn’t have bothered. He was not having any of that, saying that that was how most guys behave. They cum and won’t let the other guy enjoy the sex to the maximum as well.

Sometimes I wish tops would bottom. I wish they’d know what it’s like to play bottom and have something keep ramming into you to the point where it hurts. What irked me was that this guy had no remorse.

You finished enjoying and then didn’t want me to enjoy my own…

Na me cause am? Fucking idiot like him, ridden with hatred for himself. Effeminate but still hating on effeminate guys. Fucking dramatic too.

When it comes to sex, consent is everything!

Consent is very, very important to ensure that both of you have a fulfilling sexual encounter.

It seems to be a difficult concept for people to grasp, from what I’ve seen on the social media.

But in actual fact, it’s not. It’s either a very enthusiastic yes or no. Anything short of an enthusiastic yes at the given moment before and during a sexual encounter is a NO. Both parties have to be in a state of “yes” to make it consensual.

Yes means yes. No means no. Stop means stop.

If you’re someone who likes to have at it rough, let the other person know. Provide him with safe words in case you are reaching an intensity he isn’t comfortable with.

If a person says “Maybe” or generally doesn’t sound enthusiastic about what is going on or what you’re about to do, then stop if you have started or don’t do it at all. This might be a bit confusing but better to be safe. Not doing that thing won’t kill you.

Any impairment in judgement you are aware of should equal a “No” because, to be honest, that’s just taking advantage of the person. If the person was your crush since primary school and he offers himself on a silver platter while he is inebriated, that situation is a ‘No’ situation.

If the person is unconscious, don’t try to touch him.

And consent can be withdrawn even if it was given just a second ago. The withdrawal would be very valid. Yes, it could be annoying and you might want to continue, but you are not an animal. You are a human being with higher reasoning and self control.

Don’t assume that because the person said yes yesterday, it’s also a yes today.

Like I said, consent is a constant state of “yes”.

If you’re trying to be spontaneous with your partner and he’s not enthusiastic about the new thing you want to try, it’s better to stop. I’ve found that sometimes, when someone does something I’m uncomfortable with at first and the person stops and I’ve had time to process what the person did and found out I actually liked it, I’d ask for him to do it again.

The list could go on. I know it sounds cumbersome, but sex is between two people and it’s supposed to make two people feel good. It’s a beautiful thing but it can get ugly real quick. A good human being would care about making whatever shag/hookup they have something that the other person won’t look back on and feel tainted.

I like to tell myself that the whole thing with that guy wasn’t a big deal. It was just a night gone slightly wrong. I think it’s just a coping mechanism. It’s something I’ll have to deal with sooner or later because I’ve been reading a psychology text and it’s detailed the power of the subconscious.

I can’t imagine how people who have had it worse than me feel.

I also believe we have a sublime (or is it full blown?) rape culture here in Nigeria. Don’t believe me? Listen to Olamide’s Story For The Gods. After singing about getting high/drunk with dongoyaro and monkey tail, he proceeds to tell us how the girl says she wants to go home, that it’s getting late and he says story for the gods. Then she says he’s causing her pain and it’s still story for the gods.

But of course most Nigerians don’t listen to lyrics. They like the beat, so they dance to the music, inadvertently celebrating how he showed a girl he was the boss. If anybody heard it, nobody talks about it. It’s just a song, they say. What does it say about us allowing a song like that to grace our speakers?

I’ve heard guys say that if they spend money on a girl and she doesn’t put out, they will just find a way to have their way with her even if she doesn’t want to. Talking about how she can’t chop his money and just go. I’ve heard a female agree to this thinking.

We need help.

*

Someone just told me he thought I was bottom because of the way I write.

People can like to be funny sha.

I was legit surprised at first, but then it made sense. I know I tend to come across as very soft and sensitive (and I usually am, I think), and I guess those two attributes go along with being bottom, because being bottom is seen (albeit subconsciously sometimes) as the feminine role and females are soft and sensitive.

This took me back to one time I hooked up with someone and we were conversing and he asked me if I’m sure I can top him, “…this one that you’re acting soft like this.”

I assured him that I could. But he kept on pressing me on whether I prefer to bottom, and placing me as a versatile bottom. Exasperated, I switched topics and bade him good night. I decided not to shag him because he’d probably be expecting bedmantics I wouldn’t be able to perform for him. I also proceeded to keep him at arm’s length till he got the message and raptured himself from my BBM.

People have an expectation of how you should be, and the funny thing is that most versatile guys confuse a lot of gay people. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been told (even by my bestie) that I have to have one role I prefer. They can’t comprehend being able to switch or just being neutral. I admit however that my preference does tend to switch from time to time. I’ve gone long periods exclusively bottoming or exclusively topping, depending on how much work I feel I can put in to the sex. And honestly, as much as topping is fun, it’s still a lot of fucking work; like while you’re at it, you want to go for as long as possible for the bottom’s sake, even if you’re teetering on the edge. It doesn’t help matters that sometimes, you just want to stop but the bottom starts to grind his waist and moan and… Well…Lol.

Bottoming get as e be too. Sometimes you have to suffer through sex that is either whack or painful or both. But at least, you’re more in control of when you come, depending on how much you stroke your dick. But often, it’s not even pleasurable without needing to touch the dick and in a bid to not be selfish, you try not to come too quick so that the top also enjoys himself. So you’re just stuck in a limbo of “that feels great” and “when will you be done” for most of the time.

Honestly. It pays to have a bae because you get to know each other with time and all the wild cards that come with hookups diminish. You also don’t have to deal with bottoms who are worried that a closet bottom is topping them and all those questions of what my role is and all that dismissiveness of versatile guys who aren’t comfortable being versatile, so they use their role as an excuse to claim “top” only to get into the bedroom to be (pleasantly) surprised that they also want you to fuck them.

I usually forget to even ask the role question because if we gel, I’m pretty sure any which way we find ourselves in the bedroom will work out fine because, you know, I be versatile like that. If I ask the role question, that means you’re boring and I’m just trying to find out if I can shag and go.

Other criterion to determine roles apart from style of writing or emotional sensitivity is apparently the size of your butt and dick.

I am guilty of seeing a beautiful dick on a bottom and saying, “What a waste of dick”, or a big (shapely) assed top (I want to mention a name but I’ll just sip my glass of warm milk) and thinking of diving in. But I don’t think I’ve ever used that to determine their roles. A few people have however.

(Side note: Don’t you just love the feel of a dick sliding in and out of your hand as you are being ridden? Extra pluses if the dick is sizeable and leaks lots of precum… Ahem)

So yes, I was saying a few people make the mistake of determining role with the size of butt and dick. You can’t be top if your penis is not so and so size, and if you have a big ass, you have to be bottom. One time, I met someone and he said, “I can’t bottom. I have a big dick.”

I’ve also met someone who assumed I was the bottom (the more feminine person) in my relationship because I was freer than Le boo when talking to him. Le Boo kept rolling his eyes like the new whatsapp emoji and I was bemused by how someone can call himself open-minded and still hold on to such opinions (said person is probably reading this. I still love you, boo. Kizzeezz)

Versatile struggles are real. As much as you get to have the best of both worlds, the hassle that comes with people questioning your role (till you sef start to question it, if you’re like me and care what people think) doesn’t sometimes seem worth it.

….

LMAO! I’m just kidding. It’s totally worth it.

And one thing I find interesting is that people (including me, filthy hypocrite that I am) will question a top’s topness but hardly ever question a bottom’s bottomness. Versatile guys be more interested in turning/making a Tops versatile, more than turning/making a Bottom versatile.

I’m going to stop here. Being home with lots of free time is the result of this long-ass entry. Also because I had an itch to scratch. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to continue reading about behaviorism because I’m very interested in manipulating people to do my bidding.

Toodles!

Written by IBK

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