September 22

I’m starting to rethink my decision and hope that if all else fails, I’d look for a lesbian willing to marry me.

In the end, it’s still a life of secrecy and hiding. Sure, it won’t be as bad as when I marry an unsuspecting woman, because we are both in the know, but it’d still involve me having to sneak around.

Marriage in Nigeria is not a pot of beans where you and you partner can live in private. Nigerians are very, very nosey people, from picking up your phone just to go through texts to unashamedly prying into your personal business with questions.

Speaking of people going through texts – one day, I was in a friend’s room and some neighbour of his who I’ve exchanged only the occasional hello with asked to see my tab. I let him have it, confident that he would just swipe through my apps and maybe look at a few pictures. But this nigga went straight for my whatsapp and BBM. Thankfully, I had nothing on those apps, hadn’t even set them up. But mehn, I was surprised. I don’t even know the guy!

I suspect he is suspicious of me. So he was just looking for proof or something. Anyway, no more hellos from me to him!

*

I was talking to a dear female friend of mine who I told I was gay mere weeks after I met her. I told her how my folks at home were always asking about her – even by my siblings who know I’m gay.

I don’t mind the big pink Elephant that is my sexuality in the room being ignored. I however get miffed when they hold the closet door for me to enter back inside, and sometimes even attempt to stuff me back in themselves.

Sometimes, I want to scream to my brothers: “Y’all should deal with it! I’m gay! Stop asking me about girls! And stop trying to pair me up or making excuses that don’t exist about my lack of interest in females!”

Maybe one day, I will sit them down and tell them to say it slowly: “IBK likes to suck cock…”

Lol, okay, maybe just: “IBK is gay.”

My younger brother has taken the “Who am I to judge” stance, even though I can feel the judgement judging me.

My elder sibling has concocted all forms of theories as to why I’m the way I am. The most recent was that, because our mother discouraged us from having relationships when we were younger, I somehow went astray. Perhaps if I’d been allowed to feel affection for a female, I would have turned out differently. In essence he blames our mother.

It’s stupid, to be honest. Has the ban on getting a girlfriend at thirteen ever stopped a boy who really wanted one from getting one? While they were lusting after the neighbor’s hot daughters, I was daydreaming about Prince Charming and masturbating to images of a couple of my classmates. That in essence is why it was easy to not go after females. Sure, I had – still have – the occasional crush on a pretty girl with long hair and good brains, but it’s nowhere like how I feel about guys.

I decided against telling him this. He would probably explode. He’s very insistent on how it’s wrong and uses the bible to back himself up, even though he has a number of vices I don’t have. Time and time again, I have forced him to admit that the society considers some sins more acceptable than others and I dangle that bit of hypocrisy in his face and walk away.

Honestly, if he could just get by that bit of his prejudice, it’d be nice. I have no idea why he hates us so, so, so much. I understand being disgusted, puzzled, scared for my salvation, etc, like my younger brother is. I don’t understand his hate. It’s irrational. And it’s curious. Is he scared of something? I believe he is scared of something. Maybe when next I go home, I will investigate.

In the mean time, whenever they try to place me back into the closet I have escaped from, I will remind them subtly (e.g. “David Beckham has a nice ass”) that I am a flaming Homo.

Anyway, back to the female friend; I jokingly mentioned her pretending to be my girlfriend for a month, followed by me cooking up a story of immense heartbreak for my mother, and then maybe, just maybe, I would be left alone for years. She responded that it didn’t sound like a bad idea, and I almost considered it. When it comes to my mum, I tend to be at my weakest because I have to think of causing her pain.

But later that night, I remembered my half-hearted attempts to reenter that dank closet and how she would be sunny and all, thinking I was back to normal, only to find out from my carelessness that I wasn’t in the clear. It always seemed like the heartbreak from the first time.

So maybe it is best she has it at the back of her mind that her son is gay, and with each passing day, he accepts himself and sees himself as normal.

*

There are these two girls in my class I used to hang out with a lot. They are suspicious of my sexuality but they just peg down my pro-LGBT views as part of my quirkiness. I contemplated coming out to them. So I did a small test.

I mentioned how I thought the draconian gay law was shit. Then from the one I least expected it from came the words: “I believe it’s actually very good it exists.”

I asked why, ready to come back at her response with the argument on human rights and so on and so.

She said, “Because they will start waving it in our faces and people will start thinking it’s a normal thing. I mean, look at me. I actually think there’s nothing wrong with being gay and that’s bad.”

I did not see that coming. Lol. Especially that last part. You think you have heard it all, all the arguments homophobes have, and still, they proceed to amaze you. Here she was, berating herself for being a forward thinker, for believing that a person can live his life as he wants. I was too dumbfounded and didn’t speak for the rest of our walk home.

I have also unconsciously distanced myself from them.

It’s interesting how homophobes use children as a reason to hate/be prejudicial against gay guys. They don’t want their children to become like us, but it’s stupid because the kids that are going to be gay will be gay.

Anyway, I decided that with the short time I have left in school, maybe I shouldn’t come out to any more people. I have stuff to lose. But then, I realised that I would always have something to lose as long as my sexuality is involved. But sometimes, you need to lose something to realise you never needed it (I came up with that last sentence all on my own and I feel pleased with myself.)

Anyway, slow and steady. Slow and steady.

*

I was recently at an MGM’s wedding and I must say, I was disappointed that the food didn’t turn to ash in my mouth. On the contrary, it was delicious. Maybe sometimes, you can be filled with so much bile, it flows into your saliva, so that everything MGM-related gets into your mouth and turns to/tastes like ash. Oh well.

The groom had a nice ass though, and I wondered whose idea it was to use “pink” and white as the wedding ceremony’s colour theme. It was cute. There were a couple of hot groomsmen, and me and my friends made jokes and laughed. I wish there had been alcohol.

After the wedding I proceeded to go swimming where I busted my lip on the swimming pool floor. I do not look pretty right now and I guess no kisses when bae comes around. Oh well…

Have a blessed Sunday, guys.

Written by IBK

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