IF YOU ARE GAY, DON’T LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN

others 10You were born here, in this gentle little town where traffic means six cars, each two kilometres apart, cruising to their destinations five minutes to schedule. This gentle little town where birdsong on the windowsill heralds the mornings and the whoosh of the wind through cashew and mango trees is the height of noise pollution; where you attended secondary school with the same peeps from primary school; where fifteen of your schoolteachers belong to your modest church of decent folk straight from a daytime soap opera and each time they said hello to your parents after service, you tensed, expecting them to report a misdeed from school; where the only Mr. Biggs place is located three local government areas away from home and KFC, Shoprite, the cinema and GAYS are simply unheard of.

It is for the last of that list above that you should leave your small town, if you are gay. Homosexuality is a modern invention, you see, a by-product of (Western) civilization; researchers have long concluded that the more local a place is, the less likely TBs exist there. Go to your village or any of these small towns like, uh, Ajaokuta – that’s where we have the decrepit steel company in Kogi State, right? – do the inhabitants look like they know what QAF, The DL Chronicles or The L Word are? Do the guys there carry man-bags? Have you ever heard of TBs in Jigawa State or Okitipupa? Ok, remember when 2go was reigning…did anybody ever type in THAT chatroom: Manly bottoms in Chibok add me I got it big… Or Akoko-Edo guys let’s meet now. Like seriously.

Please do not dull yourself, otherwise OYO is your case.

When you come of age and are sure you’re gay and are set to settle down in life, look outside your gentle little town. Ignore whatever offers you get from Mrs Kolade, whose husband taught you geography in SS1. Say, despite your degree in civil engineering, you don’t have a passion for that opening in the construction company Mr Johnson talked about – nah. Tell him you are connected only to Jesus when he assures you he will get you the job without a serious interview. Look to the cities for options, because it is vital that whatever you do, wherever you find yourself in life, you have rich prospects of getting laid on the regular.

In the city, there’s Shoprite, there’s Silverbird, there are elevators (yeah, elevators) and, if you’re lucky, there might be a beach – not that crayfish lake back where you come from. By the way, you know what they say about TBs in cinemas and water-based places (e.g. swimming pools)… they are like ants congregating around a cube of sugar. ONLY in the city.

Now, make your choice of city very carefully. If you want your market to sell like hot cakes – literally! – Port Harcourt, Lagos and Enugu are the cities for you. The thirst in these cities is REAL! But if you are scared of being known too quickly, stay away from Enugu and even Owerri. These are cities too, but you really can’t get lost in them, like in Lagos. I mean, before you’ve sat on five poles, you are already a household name in the whole of Nekede, and you don’t want that, do you?

Let’s not forget Abuja. The beauty of Abuja is: it’s a city all right but you can find enough serene, sedate even village parts, just like what you’re used to. It’s not an overly crowded city, people are moving jeje, nobody is looking for anybody’s trouble, you can do James Bond with your car as the roads are generally free…and what’s more, it’s the best place to play in the big league: senators, ministers, top civil servants, the Vice President…

But maybe you hate city life: heavy traffic, pickpockets, jumping in and out of jangly buses, corridor-sized apartments, stress… Calm your tits, there are saner options: peaceful towns with a bit of life and plenty of market as well. Nsukka. Ibadan. Zaria. Benin. Ago Iwoye. Uturu.  Notice anything? A pattern? Right. University. These are all university towns. Universities open up hitherto Neanderthal jungles into places where somebody can actually live, attracting people from all over, sprouting businesses in and around campus, including that row of ten rooms a moneyed son-of-the-soil built and dubbed a five-star hotel. About university towns and the people in them, my great-grandfather used to say: “Where two or three students are gathered, there must be spirit of TB.” The old man ain’t never lied, I tell ya! This advice works best for those who like their boys fresh, sweet, Mohawk-spotting and iPhone-totting.

Remember: in all you do, no matter how tough the hustle gets in the big city, if you are sure you bat for our team, never, ever, contemplate going back to that gentle little town you came from because, after all said and done, there are no gays there.  ■

Written by Absalom

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29 Comments

  1. Masked Man
    November 18, 05:22 Reply

    Wow! Funny you! You are very correct. I’ve lived all my life in Lagos and stayed a few years in Enugu. I dare say Enugu gotthe finest guys. The number of major institutions there make fresh, tall, handsome Adonises visible in every junction. My only turn off about the city is cultism. Yeah! These boys can be very violent. But thumbs up to Lagos. Eko oni baje o!

  2. FKA Chizzie
    November 18, 05:40 Reply

    People that live in small towns do so for a reason, reasons that are in most cases more important than thier sexuality. One’s sexuality shouldn’t be the center point of their location or relocation, they are more important things in life to justify or warrant movement or settlement . if I were earning 1million naira a week in a village where the nearest dick was 300miles away, then its 1million naira over any dick.

    its really just common sense to consider other factors first before one’s sexuality when considering a move. .. (rme)

    • pinkpanthertb
      November 18, 05:53 Reply

      It IS a satire, you know that, right? Not a manual on how every Nigerian gay man should live his life…

    • Khaleesi
      November 18, 10:29 Reply

      Yes we need money blah blah blah …. but hunny, sex is a basic human need. You need to find a way to satisfy your sexual urges, even all the money from all the tea in China cant do that for you …

  3. Dennis Macauley
    November 18, 05:53 Reply

    Absalom you try oh! The thirst is real in portharcourt abi? I see what you did there!

    Continu!

    But wait! THE VICE PRESIDENT

    Is there something I did not previously know? Where is my favorite coffee drinking partner
    *dials chestnut*

  4. Kryss S
    November 18, 05:57 Reply

    “……Manly bottoms in Chibok add me I got it big…Or Akoko-Edo guys let’s meet now.Like seriously…”

    This had me laughing so hard ppl around me thought I was going loko!

    .Quite engaging nd funny write up Absalom! Nd d perspective u fixed d cities is quite true. But just like Chizzie said, sexuality should b secondary nd success in life(no matter where u live) should b d main goal. I love the life in Lag but d hustle/bustle freaks me out big time! Enugu is also a nice city nd d boys r off d hook! Was there last month nd was very happy I wasn’t knocked down from too much looku looku!

    • Dennis Macauley
      November 18, 06:06 Reply

      Sweets it’s a satire, not “The ten commandments for Nigerian Gay Men”

  5. Rapu'm
    November 18, 06:43 Reply

    Lol, Absalom. I know I’ve laughed over this before, but I’m laughing again. Hahahaha. Nice one.

  6. #TeamKizito
    November 18, 06:46 Reply

    Hehe. Absy bae, nice piece I must say. I smiled sheepishly.

    (I can swear Pastor Joshua came to mind more than thrice.)

  7. chestnut
    November 18, 07:50 Reply

    “Absy bae”, dis piece got me laughing out loud!
    “Manly bottoms in CHIBOK”? Too soon…LMAO

  8. Peak
    November 18, 08:04 Reply

    That awkward moment when a well put together piece is put up and them nigga just start making disjointend comment thinking it would make them look/sound smarter, there by earning themselves the side treatment. Child try and get ur reread and comprehension on! #justsaying
    Absslom nice piece if I must say, quite funny and captivating. Nice work

      • Peak
        November 18, 09:14 Reply

        Lol………….. Dennis ! As absalom said “O.Y.O”

  9. Legalkoboko
    November 18, 08:42 Reply

    Just peeped in here now and wow! some guys a bristling with talent. Absalom I’ll have to register with u for creative writing classes!

    ” by the way, you know what they say about TBs in
    cinemas and water-based places (e.g.
    swimming pools)… ”

    hmm tell me more abourit. I see only straight guys fucking girls in the pool in my town o.

  10. olima
    November 18, 10:07 Reply

    Abuja!!!!! I just love dat town. U neva wld blive who u just met; if u catch my drift…. *wink*

  11. Khaleesi
    November 18, 10:28 Reply

    LMAO!!!! Absalom ehhh, you’re so on point! !

  12. gad
    November 18, 13:35 Reply

    I met 2 young boys from Chibok who are two opposites recently.The 1st was late last month. He was so primitive,dirty and ugly. The 2nd was last week but but quite enlightened ,social and cute. Been thinking…

  13. iamcoy
    November 18, 16:28 Reply

    Witty write up… The VP yarn didn’t pass me sha

  14. Constant
    November 18, 17:18 Reply

    Lovely Piece, highly creative…..*one more reason to frequent the cinemas and pools* BTW…I don’t know how to swim…..Tutor anyone??……

    • enigmous
      November 18, 21:14 Reply

      Constant, you mean you need someone to do you inside the pool?

      Just like DM would say, #asking for a friend

  15. Mr Kassy
    November 19, 18:10 Reply

    Just thinking Absalom,what you said about Nekede is 100% true.almost 90% of fedponek guys loves the long thing,they are tbs.I think dt school needs an award rt away.Nekede guys fit stare at you till u enter gutter,haba!*eavesdropping on ma bf’s phone call*

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