March 21

Ella Henderson – Yours

I’m not a fan of putting a song on repeat. I’d rather hear something else first before going back to that song. This song however has been on repeat. It’s not a sad song, but every time I listen to it, I feel all shades of sad. It’s beautiful and simple, and I just love it very much.

This is the last week I’ll be spending in the lab where I’m doing my IT. I feel sort of sucker-punched because I hadn’t been paying attention to the time. Six weeks is just too short.

I’m not anticipating going back to school. It’d be back to lectures I couldn’t care for, my few ratchet friends I love very much, and worst of all, being alone in my room. Lol. I know I said I like being alone in my room, but I dunno anymore sha.

I didn’t get on grindr almost all weekend last weekend because I was in school. When I finally logged on, I was greeted by new messages. And I saw one from a fellow KDian, and it went along the lines of:

“You look really skinny and sickly in this picture…”

Lol. I’m pretty sure y’all have a good idea who this messenger is. I was totally amused by his observation. And I wondered why it’s hard to escape from some people’s venom. Apparently he was just giving an honest and helpful opinion. I nicely told him to shove his opinion up his fat arse.

On another note, I sometimes wish me and him could have a regular ole conversation. He tends to intrigue me sometimes. And so, I have all these questions I want to ask him. Where’s all that venom coming from? Is it some sort of defense mechanism that’s gotten out of hand, so much so, it’s triggered even by the most unlikely things like skinny twinks like me? Is it daddy issues? Is he trying so much to stand out but because he is so ordinary he tries to be an extraordinary bitch?

So many questions, but I might never get to know the answers…

Anyways, I’ve got a number of exams to re-sit. I’m quite intelligent, I know, but I’m not the smartest kid in my class, and it can be an actual struggle sometimes. I dunno, maybe it’s the teaching methods, or the way questions are supposed to be answered, or my tendency to put intense studying till last minute. But that’s the way it is. I’m not comfortable in that position and I really wish I didn’t have the re-sits, but then again, that’s the way it is. One thing, however, that my parents have taught me is that just because you’ve failed doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stand up and try again, harder than before. Of course I’ll try and do better. Just because something is one way doesn’t mean it has to be that way forever.

I’ve been avoiding going home, and I’m dreading that I have to do that next week. My mum has just told my uncle I’m gay. He called me into the room to talk to me about women and shii, and I sat awkwardly while he asked if I have or have had a girlfriend. I smelt a rat by the time he started talking about sexualities and he asked me which one I was.

I took the question quite calmly and lied that I was heterosexual while I quietly fumed that my mum had decided to tell him too. I haven’t really been doing much to prove my ‘straightness’ to her lately. I think it’s after she accused me of making up all the girls in my life that I sort of gave up. She’s on my BBM. Now, I put up pictures as I feel like and PMs as I want to. I don’t put up things that will make any things about me obvious, but I no longer worry that her seeing me with a guy on my DP will send her into fits of prayer.

I’ve asked my brother if he knows any female from his harem of girls who could at least fit into my taste for a girlfriend. It’s quite clear to him that I’m not doing it because I crave female companionship but because I need to have these people off my back for a while. She won’t be on my BBM though, this female, just whatsapp though. Lol. Maybe I should even get rid of BBM. I should just stick to Twitter or something.

I’m not sure if I’m going to end up as an MGM, but I really can’t see that happening right now. The future is however full of surprises so I’ll just sit back and watch things unfold.

I don’t like the question – “What’s your favorite genre of music”. It’s okay to ask who my favorite musicians are, but genre is too wide and limited. My favorite artists don’t sing pop. Pop songs dominate my music list. But it’s also filled with other things like rock and country and classical.

Someone asked what my favorite genre of music was, and I said pop, and he gave me a look that felt like disdain, and I wanted to fucking slap him. Just because you can understand the wheezing that is FKA twigs and I can’t be bothered with it doesn’t mean you’ve got some higher intellectual knowledge than I do. I’m pretty sure if I kept the songs on my phone (FKA’s), I’d have liked some of them, but I’ve got so much already in my phone and I really don’t have time to try to get used to anyone.

I used to dislike Nigerian music. I felt it was more like noise. I also didn’t get it. And I unfortunately thought I had some superiority or something like that. When the songs came up in radio, my lips would turn down in disdain.

I still don’t like Nigerian music. But I have to admit it’s amazing how producers repeat the same things over and over again, and we still dance to it with as much gusto as the last hit. They must be doing something right. If I hear a song often enough, I’d even start singing along or dancing to it before I remember I don’t like the song.

I’ve stopped feeling disdain for the formulaic thing called Nigerian music. Pop is also formulaic, but there’s some refinement to it, with much better lyrics and instrumentals that can be used to set moods and all of that.

But wait, isn’t all music genre formulaic? I mean, for a song to be called Rock, certain things have to be in the song, and the same goes for Pop and Reggae and even Indie.

For FKA twigs, it’s her constant wheezing, like she’s scared shitless or some really good D has made her lose her voice. Almost all her songs seem to give me this sleepy mellow feeling, like I’m peacefully drifting underwater or something. I’m sure she’s good. I just don’t see it.

I kinda also feel some people like some out-of-the-box things just to be different. They don’t want to be mainstream and go with the flow. It’s alright to be different and all that, but to the point where you make conscious efforts to be? Nah. I know a few people like that. In fact, they would get offended if you end up agreeing with them on something most people don’t agree with them on, because they think you’re infringing on their differentness.

I’ve been wondering about my writing lately. This journal thing is all well and nice, but I really should get back to actual writing, like fiction and stuff. But it’s been a while I’ve tried to develop a story and I have no idea how or where to start from. I’ve gotten too used to writing about real life and my feelings and shii, I guess I’m feeling like I won’t remember how to give life to characters anymore.

I remember when I used to write some fantasy. I used to get so emotionally attached to my characters, I could actually feel their anger and love and whatever emotions, and I’d have to remind myself it’s not real. But then, I’d go back to what I had written and it would feel so childish and immature that I’d feel ashamed to call myself a writer.

There’s a play going on at some place in Ikoyi – The Wizard Of Law. I was there today and it was quite funny. I’ll just drop the advert thingy here, in case anyone is interested. I guarantee that you’d leave smiling. I’ll be there, NOT acting, if that’s any incentive. Lol.1426937107256

Written by James