JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 4)

Blog_KD JournalMay 5

What to write. Lol.

Well, Duke and I seem to have improved. We talk more often now. I also got Ed Sheeran’s album and I’m loving it. I know people would have got it ages ago but I like to take my time to get albums.

I want to write a story. A nice story. About a guy who is in love with his best friend. That would just be the starting. It won’t be centered on their relationship. That won’t be realistic.

I’m beginning to question if love lasts forever. I was talking to someone and he said he’s really liking some dude but they won’t date because there is no future in it. We Nigerian gays have it bad. It’s just sex, you know. And even when we do get into a relationship, we don’t take it serious. We cheat anyhow and that’s because we feel there’s no future in being with one person.

In my opinion, future or not, when you love someone, you give it your best shot. Might not be enough but you can actually say you did and it didn’t work and have no regrets. No need to wonder what would have happened if you tried a little bit harder.

I am an idealist. I know my view of the world isn’t realistic. I have been told so many times by gay and straight people. But I really can’t figure out a better way for ME to look at the world. If I decided to be realistic, I’d go into such bouts of depression because everything would just seem hopeless. But then again, being an idealist leaves room for me to be hurt when I’m reminded that my world isn’t ideal.

So I reached a compromise. I would always hope for the best and expect the worst.

I was on a bike one day and I remembered a few conversations I’ve had. Especially on the women issues when I’m talking to my fellow guys who like guys. And on many an occasion when I tell them I’ve never been with a woman, they would be aghast and tell me to please try and be with one. It irritates me.

We live in a world where people try to manipulate who you are or tell you what to like or what to do and we as gay people know what it’s like. But we still put that pressure on ourselves. As if it’s not enough that you’re the odd one out among your straight friends, you also have to be the odd one with gay people.

I was with a friend a few days ago. It had just rained and we were leaning on the balcony of my hostel enjoying the fresh clean air and talking when two guys came walking up to us.

I’m sure all of you have met these kinds of guys, the obvious ones. The ones who can’t help but gesticulate and weave signs in the air as they talk. The ones you can picture in high heels and weave-on doing better than Beyoncé in her single ladies music video.

I’m friends with those guys, the two of them that came walking. I like their company… they also have good gist that you just cannot hear from your average ‘down-low’ guy, and it’s just interesting to be with them. And one of them gives AWESOME head.

They said hello to me and talked for a bit before walking away since they were going for choir rehearsals. I studied my friend’s face and watched his contempt as they left us. I knew what he was going to say next.

“Look at them… like women. I pity them if they don’t tone it down.”

“Leave them alone,” was my response.

But it got me thinking. What’s wrong with us gay people? My friend is as gay as they come, and so am I, but why in the world do gay people in Nigeria feel the need to hate on one of their own? Why don’t we practice the tolerance we preach? When we see effeminate guys, we get all guarded and want them to be more “straight acting”.

It’s hypocrisy in my opinion. We are preaching a message of love and acceptance when most of us can’t even accept those within our circle.

But to be fair, I think part of it stems from the raging fires of homophobia in this country and the fact that we feel we would be exposed if we hang with them. We don’t want to be seen with the boy with the freakishly high voice that can’t help but gesticulate when they talk and do really weird and freaky stuff to their hair. (What’s it with gay people and lots of hair anyways? Me, I just hack mine off when it begins to be a bother to comb)

Maybe if the country was more accepting, we would be less frightened of them. But I don’t see that happening… you get what you give. If you can’t accept your fellows for adoring Beyoncé or wagging their fingers till you fear they’ll poke out your eyeballs, then I don’t see the straights opening up their arms and saying “I don’t have a problem with the fact that you like guys.”

Some people will probably say they need to tone it down for their own good. Before a despising mob will come and beat the bejesus out of them. The law, anyone? To them I say, why don’t you walk a mile in their high heels before you ask them to tone it down? How do you know that that’s not them toning it down? Some people are meant to be flaming and just have to express themselves else they might burst. I can relate. I am not effeminate (so I’ve been told sha…I think they need to bleach their eyes and look at me again) but if you do try and change parts of me, like the fact that I loooove Beyoncé and will sing her songs while walking down the street, or my fascination with my mother’s heels (bite me), then you’ve got a long way to go. Just like many of you know that your being gay can hardly be changed, they know that their nature can hardly be changed. These ‘sisters’ know that their behaviour is high risk. They are not dumb… and I’m pretty sure they would give anything in the world to be like your average ‘straight acting’ Joe. Heck, I even know a few who have tried, still that nature of theirs seeped into the way they did things. I don’t think it can actually ever be shut down.

When you’re gay – I mean really, really gay – it shows in varying degrees. It just cannot be helped. Though I don’t sashay when I walk or gesticulate a lot, the fact that my playlist consists of Beyoncé, Taylor Swift, P!nk and the likes is a pointer. Many a straight wannabe rapper has gone through my music and said, “Guy, you be gay?” It used to bother me even to the point of getting straight-sounding music, but biko, it bored the hell out of me and I just couldn’t connect the way I did when I listened to Taylor talk about how some dude broke her heart. In the end, I stopped caring and did what I liked. Especially since that still didn’t even stop the “are you gay” questions from popping up once in a while. (the deciding factor was when a girl found out I could sing, write and draw and asked if I was gay)

One of my exes was so worried about being thought of as gay he downloaded videos on how to be an alpha male and kept asking me if there was anything girly with the way he walked. One time he wanted to take by force one of my clothes which actually looked pretty good on him and I just had to say “It makes you look gay” for him to take it off. Meanwhile there was nothing wrong with the shirt or the way he walked or talked or did his things. But he does have a chock full of cosmetics and is always fabulously dressed anytime he gets the chance to be, and he sometimes gesticulates when he is really excited.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that these things can’t be helped all the time and it is very wrong of people to turn their noses down on one of their own or ask them to change because it isn’t good for a man to act like a woman.

I’ve got effeminate friends. When we chat, I even go “guuuuurl” “hunty!” “sup bitch” and that’s cause I love that they’re like that. I wouldn’t mind being seen with them in public though admittedly their flaminess can be overwhelming and I have to ask them to tone it down. But I don’t ask them to stop or chide them that it’s wrong or remind them that they are not women so why are they acting like women.

It’s really what we all should endeavour to do, one for the other. We are trying to preach a message of acceptance to the society at large; but then, how can we genuinely get our message out, when there isn’t much acceptance going on amongst us? Practice what you preach.

Written by James

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33 Comments

  1. Absalom
    June 15, 07:56 Reply

    James! You’ve scored again! Well done. 🙂

  2. trystham
    June 15, 08:21 Reply

    Panther dearie, was just about to ask u to put up another discourse. The importance of effeminate guys in homosexuality.

  3. trystham
    June 15, 08:33 Reply

    Oh btw, THANK YOU James. For accepting us the way you are. Ask any sista close to you fora free fuck today. Its on me.

  4. Chizzie
    June 15, 09:01 Reply

    You went from Duke to Ed sheeran to jumping a bike to wondering if love lasts to Beyonce to being effeminate. Just an incohesive mess. How about you pick an issue or a person and you ramble abt that, like u did the last time.
    I don’t know what type of life you live but sorry from your journals.. it sounds like a very boring one with nothing exciting going on.

    • trystham
      June 15, 09:27 Reply

      if your life is such an ordered continuum, it must be the boring one. Apparently u know how today goes then. Anyway, its a journal not a chaptered biography. So honey chile, sock it and let him do his thing

      • pinkpanthertb
        June 15, 09:45 Reply

        I honestly don’t get his need to always put down these diary series.

    • pinkpanthertb
      June 15, 09:43 Reply

      *shaking my head* Alpha Papi leaves, and Chizzie takes his place as Class Bitch.

    • sensuousensei
      June 15, 12:06 Reply

      Chizzie u got a point. But biko u write something too make we criticise na? Haba!

    • therealsalte
      June 15, 21:14 Reply

      Chizzie you really have a lot of growing up to do. Guuuuurrrrlll!!! Its 2014 oooooo!

  5. Iduke
    June 15, 10:35 Reply

    I do agree with chizzie. Even if this is a journal. Pick a topic. It needs not be a complete entry from the journal but a highlighted thot. But chizzie u b bitch shaa. Throwing down his write up like it’s not an effort. Ciao

  6. sexstar
    June 15, 10:51 Reply

    OK first I must be confess that the writer made an effort but the story lacked cohesion… and then talking abt effeminate guys … this is Africa and Pple really don’t take it so easy with FEMS, my own is that I don’t like when guys bitch and fling their hands in public… now don’t quote me wrong … I love how fems tell their stories … they aare fun to be with but still I prefer when Pple are manly outside and then bitches inside …

  7. sensuousensei
    June 15, 12:00 Reply

    Quite nice. Excellent points about the feminine thing. Rambled a little but then its a journal entry. Try to stick to one thing sha. Overall, welldone!

  8. Evergreen
    June 15, 12:34 Reply

    So touching I feel tear drop “from my guitar” (eyes). I’ve been gay all my life as and Cos I’m kinda manly I kinda hate my “sisters”. There honestly can’t be acceptance from the outside world if we within the circle find it difficult accepting ourselves the way we are. I’m so going back to right my wrongs. Thumb up to the writer of this inspiring piece. #Peace

  9. James….I love you soooo much for this. I can see some bitches googling how to become alpha male already.
    the issue you have raised here is that of tolerance and I feel as a Nigerian, tolerance is a virtue that is scarce…..
    Muslims accusing Christians of destroying their religion and vice versa…. ethnic clashes and arguments everyday…..conspiracy theories on division of Nigeria n all…..these show em all….

  10. paul
    June 15, 13:49 Reply

    I’d realy luv if peeps here droppd constructive criticsms devoid of invective languages.
    Chizee’s point was good till he spoilt it wit his insult.
    We are adults, n like d writer said if we keep fightin ourselves hw do we expect d outside world to accept us
    As 4 d writer, I got lost tryin to find d central theme cs d title and body of d write up has left me wonderin whr d correlation is.
    Cheers guys!

  11. Blaq Jaqs
    June 15, 14:28 Reply

    It’s a great entry… it would have been perfect if all those other issues on the side did not come in. I found them a bit distracting and couldn’t link it to the central theme of this entry which I presume to be tolerance and accepting people for who they are (a great issue to discuss)
    I think each entry should stick to one entry and deal with it. If there are diversions try to tie them to your central discourse. Never mind about trying to make your entries lengthy (if that’s what the occasional diversions are for) just drive your point and thoughts home in a lucid and coherent manner. Shikena.
    Job well done!
    P.S. I’m also a HUGE Taylor Swift fan! Can’t imagine a day without listening to her…

  12. Chizzie
    June 15, 15:30 Reply

    ok so maybe I was a bit harsh but this particular blog series is in its 4th entry or so and I still can’t find a central theme behind it, or the reason it was even put up in the first place. What is the writer trying to convey? What is the journal all about? Who is it about? How can it be a journal when 4 posts on and I still haven’t got a clue what the protaganist is on about, his personality, his life. Everything is too abstract and undefined. I get that it is a journal but how about you write about real events involving real issues and real people. step out of your mind and write something that isn’t pensive rambling.

    Write something that ppl will want to read cause after all it is an online journal not a secret dairy. And sorry for saying u have a non exciting life.

    • Ginger
      June 15, 16:27 Reply

      Chizzie, if you detest the journal series so much, then move on from it. There’s nothing on the blog that says you must read it. Jeez! The way you are harping on and on about the writing, one would think it’s the worst mistake made in literature. You’re not exactly pouring out the writeups on this blog, are you? It’s good for people who make a lot of noise to show that they have enough stuff to justify the noise they are making.

      And guys, it’s a journal. It’s supposed to ramble a bit.

  13. xpressivejboy
    June 15, 15:34 Reply

    Chizzie stop being a drum and write a piece. You either grow up or you sut up.

    Nice effort, James. Just take the criticism well…even though some valid points were made in such destructive manner, ignore the attention-seeking bitch and come out better in your next entry.
    Cheers

  14. James
    June 15, 16:27 Reply

    Thanks for all the comments. I appreciate it guys.
    First off… The lack of cohesion issue. From the start you guys should have realised “this dude has no idea what he wants to talk about”
    That’s why it went from ed sheeran to love to writing a novel and all that.. then I found out what I really wanted to talk about “tolerance”
    Sure I could have made it much better and edited some things but it’s a journal. Not a story book or novel. It’s got to be raw.
    But I will try (emphasis on try) not to ramble so much in upcoming posts.
    Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts… It’s helping me get much better.
    X

    • trystham
      June 15, 17:51 Reply

      Biko, tell them o. Journal. JOURNAL!!!! JOURNAL ooooooooo.

  15. sensuousensei
    June 15, 16:44 Reply

    Is it just me or it is really true that gay guyz have whips where their tongues should have been? Hahahaha!

    Haba, sister(s), this are we constantly on menses or what?

    • JustJames
      June 15, 16:54 Reply

      Nah man… its all over the Internet. People who hide behind a screen and lash out at things.

      They are called trolls.

  16. Stephen
    June 15, 17:59 Reply

    Okay, so let me first of all start by saying that James is my best friend, and that his life is anything but boring. And even though he won’t say it, and would rather agree with you about his non exciting life, it is anything but.

    Some of you are saying that you don’t understand what the protagonist is trying to say, or the central theme in the journal, but that is not his problem. It’s yours. Why? Because it is a JOURNAL. It means I can write about a cat that started me down, and hissed, to how much I’d like to go to moon. It doesn’t matter whY is there, but you have to look at the underlying meaning, and feel what he’s feeling when he wrote it.

    To all those who find it interesting, you mind is vast beyond your years, and kudos to taking the patience to read it. I appreciate it.

    Now please don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to pick a fight with anyone. Because criticism is very much welcome, especially constructive one.

    Have a blessed Sunday everyone, and Happy Father’s day to the father’s or potential father’s who frequent this wonderful site. God Bless !

  17. therealsalte
    June 15, 21:19 Reply

    Welldone James! I owe a free lunch anytime we meet. Welldone love!

  18. CeeCee
    June 15, 23:10 Reply

    Great journal entry James, u actually like the rambling b4 you zoomed in on your desired topic, shows an active imagination. Chizzie, biko take some lills , you’re obviously having a painful period accompanied by severe menstrual pains, hence your need to bitch&lash out … hugs Nne …
    Some guys can’t help being fem, in my days on campus, a few of them tried to make friends with me, but I always ran a 1000miles away cos I was petrified of being seen anywhere around them and being branded gay, that was my worst nightmare and according to my thinking then, the end of my life. Fast forward a few years later, and am so full of regret at how I missed out on what could have been very good friendships. I wish I could go back in time and change my actions. These days, I frankly dont care as much, if you’re nice and we click, you will be my bosom friend. But considering that we are unlucky to find ourselves in thtis homophobic shithole, its safer to tone it down when outdoors, and when indoors, thr heels and wigs and long bright red nails can be unveiled …

  19. Cuame
    June 16, 07:21 Reply

    Great piece James. Have also always looked down on people who are overly effeminate in my view and thought of myself as the straight acting guy until my straight friends asked if I was gay. Inspiring piece.
    Pls that’s my bbm pin for those of you who’ll like to be friends. 7C35FDB6

  20. jan
    February 11, 22:41 Reply

    I feel a lot of self acceptance from you James and it is because of this that you are able to give a neutral and clear opinion of things. I love it

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