JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 42)

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 42)

July 4

Last weekend had me hosting the friend of a friend’s friend. He’d come to my town for auditions and needed a place to stay, and I was the most comfortable option for him. He was to stay till Monday morning, and I was fine with that arrangement, especially since he’d feed himself and I’d spend minimally.

He arrived late in the evening with his tinted hair and soft voice. And I was quite friendly towards him as we cracked jokes and stuff. That night, hands roamed and things happened.

He told me the next day that he hadn’t had sex in ages (that explained some things), but that he felt a connection with me and all. And I could tell that he wanted to have another go at it. But I was not interested any longer. I felt bad. I’m not sure why. Maybe it was because I felt I’d used him to satisfy an immediate desire and now that it had been quenched, I wasn’t interested in touching him anymore, though he did have a cute butt.

Then the rest of the days were a bit trying for me. I live alone. And though sometimes I wish I had a roomie, it feels good to live alone. It appears that social interactions exhaust me. I’ve gone to places where people would be plenty and I’d have so much fun but I’d suddenly feel very mentally tired and grow quiet or go outside for some air.

He went for his auditions and came back, and I had to study, and he kept staring at me and it made me uncomfortable. And then the next day, after I’d downloaded a game I’d wanted to play for a long time, I could feel the boredom emanating from him. He even complained, and though at the back of my mind, I was thinking, “I’m not your babysitter”, I decided to be nice and gave him a few series to watch.

I’m not saying he was a bother, but I think he’d have loved my attention very much. I took solace in the fact that he’d be leaving Monday.

But then, he started to misyarn about extending his stay to Tuesday. Money issues, I was told. But my reaction probably told him it wasn’t a good idea and he managed to arrange something for Monday.

It was nice to have my room back.

Then someone I’d spoken briefly with was around and was hoping to spend the night at my place. I agreed. And so, I came face to face with someone who has refused to fully accept that he is gay. He is Christian, so it complicates the issue for him.

He said a lot of retarded things like how being gay was pervasive, how anal sex, no matter how carefully done, would damage the sphincter muscles and cause incontinence, how he was going to stop it all after he gets married.

I listened and I argued when I could. When he wanted to use the bible as a stand against gay marriage, I simply reminded him that the bible itself said that MAN’S Law would not always go hand in hand with GOD’s word, but that will never change what the bible has said. So why was he fretting over a change in the law of man? This education I got via a Facebook post.

He said this was a sign of the end times. I hate it when supposed Christians say “end times” like it’s a bad thing. You know what it means if it really is the end times? It means Jesus is coming back, and if you’re a Christian, excitement should be your major emotion, and not fear. So instead of praying for the salvation of America’s soul, why don’t you just pray that Jesus should come back as soon as He can, so that He can take you to heaven?

Someone however pointed out that churches might be forced to marry gay guys. I’m not too clear on that. I’d like to believe that the separation of the Church and State (is that it?) comes into play here and churches will still be able to decide who they want to marry.

Anyway, back to my internalised homophobia guy… I sort of made up my mind to not do anything with him before he’d start crying that he had sinned. I asked him that if he really intended to stop being gay or bi, then why did he travel all the way to my town to come see me. I asked him what would happen to his wife if he found out sex didn’t deaden his feelings for men. I told him that the way he was going about his life would most likely endanger his mental health, and that he should probably take some time to think things through. To think of what comes naturally to you as dirty and pervasive is to beat yourself up. You’re inflicting pain on yourself.

But he’s twenty-nine. He seems too far gone and too ingrained in his self loathing for any help.

I tried to explain to him that anal sex, when done wrong, definitely would damage the muscles. There are three major things to remember for safe anal sex:

Lots of lube! You can never have more than enough.

Don’t take in something that you know is too big for you. Basically you should listen to your body.

And don’t do drugs, because they can deaden or alter your perception of pain, meaning you’d think nothing is going wrong because you’re under the influence, whereas constant damage is going on.

Follow these three rules and you’ll be having anal sex for a very long time without anal incontinence happening. Like I wonder why people don’t read about sex! Ugh.

Anyway, he told me he doesn’t do anal because of incontinence. I asked him whether he’d been rimmed before. He didn’t even know the meaning of the word. Then I showed him later that night after he’d showered and the lights were off. There were sighs of contentment and pleasure from him and lots of ass clenching and precum. He told me I was good at what I do (I’m guessing he hasn’t had too many, Lol,) and he asked me to fuck him the next morning. As tempting as it was, I declined because I had early morning classes. So we went our separate ways.

I decided to ignore him henceforth and I hoped he’d do the same. But then he showed up on whatsapp and the convo went thus:

[03/07 5:36 PM] Ken: James

[03/07 6:03 PM] James: Hey

[03/07 6:03 PM] James: What’s up

[03/07 7:25 PM] Ken: U V been on my mind all day?

[03/07 7:31 PM] Ken: Howdy

[03/07 7:51 PM] James: Awww

[03/07 7:51 PM] James: I’m well

[03/07 7:51 PM] James: U

[03/07 8:28 PM] Ken: Am good

[03/07 8:28 PM] Ken: Really miss u and ur ‘skill’

[03/07 8:29 PM] Ken: Not that I Wana do it again but I misssss u

[03/07 8:32 PM] James: Pele

[03/07 9:09 PM] Ken: Lol

[03/07 9:09 PM] Ken: Naughty boy

The confusion is strong with this one. I mean, what dafuq. You can’t even be true to yourself and admit you want my tongue up your arse again. After he left, I felt my room needed to be cleansed of whatever spirit of confusion he brought about. He said he wants to see me again under the guise of collecting music. I’ll just ignore him now.

*

I’m an avid nail biter. I go at my nails with gusto when I’m bored or nervous or notice they are quite chewy at the moment. It’s a habit that most people classify as bad and it sure has health implications, especially in my line of study. So I’ve been putting a lot of effort into stopping. I have tried many ways, including putting my hand in Aloe Vera, ground pepper, making myself mentally not bite my nail, putting my hand in my mouth but not chewing on the nail, etc, all to no avail. *stares at ugly nails*

To be honest, I really couldn’t care less that some people think it’s ugly or disgusting or whatever. I’m just worried about my health.

So I went online, not to search for ways to stop biting my nails, but to understand why I (and others) bite their nails. Maybe that would help me understand why I was that way and learn ways to stop.

Some of what I read was the same old things I’d been hearing, like how it is a habit picked up from elder ones, or boredom, etc.

Then I read a very interesting article where nail biting was likened to OCD, but it’s not quite OCD because OCD people do not want to be OCD. They hate it. It affects their lives very much. Imagine not being able to sleep unless you check that the back door is locked, and even after you’ve checked, you still go back to check over and over because you just can’t help it. Yea, that’s OCD. There are mild forms especially with neat freaks and all, but I don’t think I’ve got any form of OCD in my life (thank goodness).

Oh yea, back to the bail biting ish… So apparently the major reason nail biters constantly bite their nails is because it feels very good to do so, and speaking from experience, that is no lie. There’s just something about getting that nail and feeling it come away with your teeth. It’s hard to imagine if you don’t bite. It is also likened to animals that excessively groom.

The author of the article, a nail biter, said she felt compelled to stop when she noticed her daughter started biting her nails (this is where a case of nature vs. nurture was brought up, i.e. is there a gene that predisposes people to nail biting), and the way she accomplished this was to fix nails.

I toyed with the idea in my head and decided to go ahead with it. I’d fix those transparent nail thingies and hopefully it would teach me to stop biting. My friend fixed the nails for me, but I took it off after I tried to play the guitar and it was interfering; besides, the whole thing felt uncomfortable. The only accessories so far I can manage are hand and neck chains. I’m always too aware of other things, like the tightness of a cap around my forehead or glasses perched on the bridge of my nose. I guess I’m used to clothes; that’s why I don’t feel too uncomfortable in them.

So yeah, I’m still trying to fix the issues with my nails. A friend of mine suggested stopping one finger at a time. I’ll try that.

What was the point of the above epistle about nail biting? Absolutely Nothing! But it’s my journal and I can do whatever the fuck I want with it.

I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts! There they all are, standing in a row. Big one, small one, one the size of your head! *maniacal laughter as I ride away on my pink bedazzled Nimbus 3000 to Harry Potter’s house to try and seduce his cute bum*

*

Okay y’all, something fucking weird just happened.

I’ve always been hoping to control my dreams so I could do whatever I wanted with the dream world. You know, like fly or talk to dolphins and other weird shit. It’s called lucid dreaming. I tried to practice doing that but didn’t bother after some time because reality constantly needed my attention.

Buy today, a Saturday, after I finished reading and taking some nutrimilk and cheap wafer sticks, I fell asleep.

And I woke up. No, I didn’t dream that I woke up. I sort of just woke up. But I was not in my room. I was in some weird place that was like flat lands. Nothing much in sight. There was a road and there were some other things to see, but I didn’t focus on them. The place had a strange hue too. It was sort of bluish, soft blue. But sometimes, I remember it as silver.

Then something caught my attention. It was like a wisp of smoke, all curly, like the wisps I tend to draw, and it had more substance than smoke, like a ray of moonlight that coiled and twisted like an octopus.

I’m not sure why, but I started to chase after the wisp of moonlight octopus smoke. And as I ran, I felt/heard the wind rushing past my ears. This felt like I was the wind. I was running, but suddenly I felt like I was riding a bicycle instead. I’m not sure if I was. It just felt like it. Sometimes the wisp would pass through things. I remember it passed through a broken carriage (don’t ask me what a carriage was doing in the middle of nowhere) and it fixed it.

I saw two people in this place, walking slowly like ghosts. And I saw a lion made of what looked like moonlight too.

I think it was at this point that I realised I was no longer chasing the wisp but was with the wisp. And that was when I looked to the sky and it was beautiful. There was a backdrop of stars that looked like dazzling silver confetti and a big ass moon. And I wanted to go up to the moon.

The next thing I knew, I no longer felt like I was riding a bike, but like I was swimming through air. I gathered speed swimming through the air, and then I shot upward so magnificently. And then, the scene changed and I was back in my neighbourhood and walking to my room. And I saw someone at my door trying to get in. I sort of shouted at the person.

And then I woke up for real.

At first, I thought I’d had a dream in a dream, but I went online and did some research, and I do believe I did astral projection unconsciously. And the person/entity trying to get into my room was an astral denizen trying to get in to steal my life force.

I sound crazy, right? But I swear to you, I believe that was what happened.

I really want to try it again, but as I often do before I try out new experiences, I’ll need to go online and read as much as I can about it.

I’m a weirdo, I know.

Now, there was something about seducing Harry Potter.

Written by James

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60 Comments

  1. pinkpanther
    July 05, 04:51 Reply

    You know, I have to say this: the wisdom you exhibit when interpreting Christianity and its controversial relationship with homosexuality is just divine. It gives me braingasms when I read the things you have to say. In fact, there’s a small chunk I’m stealing from this journal to share on Facebook. 😀

    • JamesJemima
      July 05, 10:43 Reply

      Some of it I sort of learnt online especially the part where I talked about man’s law and God’s law.. But feel free to share.

      • jephtah
        July 06, 10:50 Reply

        Wow, nice! I guess we both psychologists bro!

  2. Francis
    July 05, 05:07 Reply

    OCD. *sighs* sometimes I’m in control and sometimes I’m not. I can’t leave the house/office without checking all the switches and locks. I just have this irrational fear of coming back to a looted or burnt down house.

    Then there’s the fear of murder which is why I don’t do random hookups but that one is more of paranoia than OCD

    • JamesJemima
      July 05, 10:44 Reply

      As long as it doesn’t interfere too much with your normal life.. You’re safe.

  3. Iyke
    July 05, 07:18 Reply

    **Stares lovingly @ my long, natural white tipped pink nails set on long slender fingers**

    I luvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv my nails………….

  4. Iyke
    July 05, 07:27 Reply

    But my ish is that they r always breaking! It pains my soul! Imagine going through d pain of keeping u nails for months only for it to break! Eish! Any solution plsssss……..
    And lest I forget, I love doing laundry.

    • Francis
      July 05, 07:36 Reply

      @Iyke you might want to try one of those transparent nail polish that claim to harden nails. I hear increasing calcium intake helps too. Don’t know how true that is.

    • Evil Empress
      June 18, 16:40 Reply

      I remember my friend giving me a recipe for my nails always breaking. Vinegar and Groundnut oil…rub on like u’d do for Polish. It worked for me. It should work for u too. And boost ur calcium levels..lol

  5. Sinnex
    July 05, 07:28 Reply

    ‘If God doesn’t destroy America for signing the Same Sex Marraige legalisation act, then He has an apology to give to Sodom and Gomorrah’

    You have tried everything to stop biting your nails, but I bet you haven’t tried putting your fingers in your rectum and biting it thereafter…

    Do you want me to interprete your dreams for you?

    • JamesJemima
      July 05, 10:46 Reply

      Oh goody! A dream interpreter!! Yes please!!!

      And sinnex please I’m eating..

    • Tiercel de Claron
      July 05, 21:11 Reply

      God didn’t destroy Sodom and Gomorrah for same sex ish or solely for sexual perversion,His reasons are clearly stated in Ezekiel 16:49-50.Stop being lazy and relying on your pastor to spoon-feed you,pick up your Bible and read.

  6. Sinnex
    July 05, 07:52 Reply

    Don’t you think you are too old for this?

    If you were straight, you would have been married to a woman and would have given birth to kids. Your oldest child would have been older than most people commenting on this blog.

    Ths is getting really stale.

    • Absalom
      July 05, 09:10 Reply

      Who says he’s praying?

      Every marine spirit in Pinky’s body, I command you to leave him right now! Loose him let him serve his God! Holy Ghoooooooooooooooost…..!!!!

  7. McGray
    July 05, 08:13 Reply

    James it’s nt Astral projection u had, it’s Lucid Dream. In A.P u can actually see urself going out of urself and u can even luk at ur ruffled ugly mortal being lying on d floor- yea when u astral project and look at ur remains it really looks ugly and unkept. I hv had lots of Lucid Dreams, i mena countless of it. Sumtyms i wld hv to continue frm wia i ws woken up. Lol. Sumtyms 4 times in a night. And i’d say in d l.d that i love lucid dreaming. I wld say lemme use dis opportunity to explore and i would start flying and walking on water. Blv it or nt guys i hv done lots of things in L.D. As for A.P i tried it once with d guides i saw on a book abt Astral Projection and The World beyond. After several frutile efforts i finally got out of my body but i bounced back when i looked at my remains and i ws terrified seeing my unkept body as if i had died and i were in d morgue. Never knw sum1 else is a spiritual freak like me. Gud to knw James.

    • McGray
      July 05, 08:20 Reply

      Shld add dat i hv tried it again. Will try it when i must hv gathered enough balls nt be scared of myself. D Author even warned u shldnt try it if u r scared cos u will meet some evil entities that wld scare d dick outter u. A.P aint a childs play but it fun seeing urself separated from ur Internalised Homophobic body. Lol.

      • JamesJemima
        July 05, 10:51 Reply

        I thought about it and I do believe you’re right, maybe I had a lucid dream.

        The only reason I’d probably try astral projection is if I find out i have a chance of meeting my bestie in the astral plane. So maybe me and him would try. And yes, fear is a NO NO before you astral project.

        But I want to ask why there was an entity at my door trying to get in… It was highly disturbing. Or does lucid dreaming allow for them to steal your life force too?

    • JamesJemima
      July 05, 10:57 Reply

      Oh, and you suddenly intrigue me McGray… *sips nutrimilk*

    • Queen Blue Fox
      July 06, 15:29 Reply

      Tried Astral projection and it worked once the second time I tried as I was leaving I felt something hit me back in and I woke up with a headache.
      Since then try as I may to do it again, I can’t just seem to.
      But as for controlling my dreams I guess I’m good at that, you’d be surprised at things I use as weapons in dire dream situations, lightening bolt is my favorite (believe it or not. it’s funny though) but yeah it’s true.
      I told a certain cousin of mine once and he said either I had malaria or I’ve been watching too many sci-fi movies

  8. Absalom
    July 05, 08:13 Reply

    All these people growing their nails like straight women, hope you guys have NO plans of fingering anyone. *glare*

    I bite my nails all the time. Down to the cuticle.

    But I took a break during the Ebola crisis. Who knew I could it!

  9. pinkpanthertb
    July 05, 08:15 Reply

    Keredim, please I’m in church (Yes, for the first time in ages). All this laughter I’m stifling is not good for the somber countenance I’m aiming for.

  10. Gad
    July 05, 08:18 Reply

    Keep your nails cut at all times. If there are no nails to bite you won’t bite nails. Will you?

    • McGray
      July 05, 08:24 Reply

      Lol. Dis is d best advise on d issue. *gathers all kinds of leaves in a basket, kneels down, raise the basket up to Gad and says* Gad will u marry me?

    • Francis
      July 05, 08:26 Reply

      @Gad: That won’t solve a thing. They tend to chew way past the line where a nail cutter is supposed to stop

    • JamesJemima
      July 05, 10:54 Reply

      Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I just had a very nice long laugh at this comment. If only you knew how serious nail biting can get. Some people have chewed to where the cuticle is and many (including me, unfortunately) also chew the bit if skin that’s supposed to be under an overgrown nail. So no this isn’t the best piece if advice. Thanks for trying though.

      • Gad
        July 06, 17:54 Reply

        Well, I’m a chronic biro chewer. I check it by making sure that the only time I touch a biro is when I want to use it. I even believe that when I chew biro cover boosts my memory,s ability to retain events and details. Anyway, what do I know?

  11. Francis
    July 05, 08:20 Reply

    @Keredim help me ask am oh! I don’t get how people can be using phone inside church. The balls amaze me. lol

  12. Lanre S
    July 05, 08:22 Reply

    Tinted hair? Soft voice ? Auditions? Cute butt? We know who that is.

    • McGray
      July 05, 08:27 Reply

      Who? #AskingForGad’sPeaceOfAss

      • Lanre S
        July 05, 09:41 Reply

        He who must not be named
        #AnsweringforJemimasPieceOfAstrallyProjectedAbunna

      • McGray
        July 05, 11:48 Reply

        Buhahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Abunna?? Chim oooooooo

  13. McGray
    July 05, 08:39 Reply

    Guys dis is for reallll. E don happen again oo. MTN is doing promo again. Give the person beside u a HOT Deafening slap and get one free. I hv tried mine and it’s working. Try it while d offer lasts. U dnt wanna miss out. Offer valid till midnyt

    • Absalom
      July 05, 09:07 Reply

      Honey, are you okay? Or is all this talk from your Lucifer Dreams. *feels your forehead*

      • Teflondon
        July 05, 10:01 Reply

        Let him be Absie! Let me enjoy his goofy side.
        I find it awkwardly sexy!

      • McGray
        July 05, 11:51 Reply

        Walahi Absie u don fall my hand. Why u go dey feel my forehead when u knw exactly wia to feel with ur……… *Teffy, hope u dey enjoy ur sunday?*

  14. JArch
    July 05, 10:50 Reply

    JJ this your AP, LD dreams would definitely make a nice concept for Katy Perry’s next video. Will-I-Am would sure love this concept too.

    Interesting read as usual though.

  15. Max
    July 05, 11:03 Reply

    “[03/07 8:29 PM] Ken: Not that I Wana do it again but I misssss u

    [03/07 8:32 PM] James: Pele”
    That right there sounds like my kinda response.
    You remember your dreams vividly?
    You dey try.
    This was random, crazy, filled with weird nonsensical thoughts and a lot of eccentricity… Love it 🙂
    Nice one… I like people who think the way you do.. Your mind wonders a lot…and its good. Most people don’t think these days.

  16. Max
    July 05, 11:03 Reply

    “[03/07 8:29 PM] Ken: Not that I Wana do it again but I misssss u

    [03/07 8:32 PM] James: Pele”
    That right there sounds like my kinda response.
    You remember your dreams vividly?
    You dey try.
    This was random, crazy, filled with weird nonsensical thoughts and a lot of eccentricity… Love it 🙂
    Nice one… I like people who think the way you do.. Your mind wonders a lot…and its good. Most people don’t think these days.

  17. Dennis Macaulay
    July 05, 11:13 Reply

    I am an avid nail biter! I get giddy with excitement when I see a growing nail that I will bite off! Its just delightful. A shrink said its because I am nervous but I disagreed with him, it just gives me pleasure thats all and I have no intention of quitting it!

    About OCD, my diagnosis was downgraded this year. The shrink said that I just have a compulsive personality and that it was not obsessive because I can function normally despite it. So James Im sure its pretty much same thing with you!

    On confused men, me I have resolved never to play daddy again, sexual identity is a very personal journey. You must map your route and decide your pace by yourself. I dont have energy to be arguing upandan trying to reset brains damaged by 20+ years of IH. Aint nobody got time for that

  18. posh6666
    July 05, 11:45 Reply

    Lol friend of a friends friend?let me try to wrap my delicate brain around that.DIdnt know nail biting can be that addictive.I stay very far away from biting my nails cos i actually believe the human hand is always dirty with the phones,remote controls etc that we touch.I do have an ocd that isnt extreme yet.I wash my hands like close to ten time or more daily,and also i can never eat fruit salad made by any other person apart from me becos am always freaked out that the persons hands isnt just clean enough.

  19. trystham
    July 05, 13:11 Reply

    I used to envy dem really long nails and made a concerted effort at growing them. They actually paid off. That acrylic smell of nail hardener always reminded me not to bite them but now I look at my hands and smh at the disaster they are looking like now. I’ve chewed them to the tender flesh on the sides. I realise that I am under so much pressure and the next thing is my fingers av found my mouth. I have decided to get nail polish but not gotten round to it.
    ALL that Hallucinogen in a bottle? What happened to quality control? I am ever so distrustful of Astral Projections and all this New Age terms and stuff. Demons and Evil Spirits are real. I’d rather they didn’t use my body as a host

  20. posh6666
    July 05, 13:21 Reply

    Ewwwww!lol never ever. Neither do i allow to be rimmed.Somethings r just too much for me to handle.

  21. ruby
    July 05, 14:49 Reply

    Child!!!!
    You are quite a Handful…

  22. kunleshi
    July 05, 16:36 Reply

    I take a look @ my cute long white nails and remember dat bitch dat called me Gay for filing and polishing them.

    • posh6666
      July 05, 19:32 Reply

      Lol why u mad at her???but she’s right now u are gay aint u?she was only stating d obvious

    • Francis
      July 05, 18:23 Reply

      @Reverend: Hmm, are you one of those LIB commentators that always complain whenever she posts long entries? #JustAsking oh

      • Chuck
        July 05, 19:53 Reply

        I’m surprised he read the Bible. or has he? #religionists

  23. michael
    July 05, 19:12 Reply

    I was once a nail bitter. I only stopped when I discovered my love for long, curved and clean nails.

    but I still pick my nose.

    • posh6666
      July 05, 19:30 Reply

      Ewwww super disgusting!do u have dates?cos i sure as hell cant stand such in any guy.Infact when in public and i see sum1 picking his/her nose i just look away before i attack som1.Now thats one of d reasons i can never eat fruit salad made by any other person apart from myself.

      • Max
        July 05, 22:45 Reply

        Everyone picks their nose.. Just like everyone cleans their ass after defecating. Doing it outside is the bad thing here.

        • posh6666
          July 05, 22:54 Reply

          We are both saying the same thing here.What part didnt u get.

  24. jephtah
    July 06, 10:56 Reply

    OCD ( obsessive compulsive disorder) #for naive ones#, I guess you should solve this problem by Trying to develop another kinda obsession for your finger that negates chewing it! It’s gonna take long though! @ OCD is as well different from OCPD(obsessive compulsive personality disorder) which is worse.

  25. Diablo
    July 06, 19:15 Reply

    I remember i read a book about controlling one’s dreams and i found the whole stuff interesting but didn’t really believe it or put much thought to it. But then that night, i had a dream, except it didn’t seem like a dream, i was fully conscious and knew i was dreaming and decided i was going to wake up now and i woke up. So well don’t know what dt was, deleted the book afterwards.

    Rimming is always great when u do it to a guy who hasn’t heard of it before, after they have showered ofcourse

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