JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 58)

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 58)

March 26

There’s this website, pottermore.com. It’s like a set of extras from JK Rowling after the Harry Potter series. She gives more details to the characters and the wizarding world. When you join, you get to have your own wand and be sorted into your house.

The first few times I took the test, I got Gryffindor. It didn’t feel right. Gryffindors are brave and loyal and I don’t think I’m brave. When I was younger, I felt like I could be in Ravenclaw, but as I progressed through the university, I realised it wouldn’t be the House for me either if Hogwarts was real. For Hufflepuff, I didn’t have the discipline or hard work that characterizes the House members. And so, all that was left was Slytherin.

Growing up, I never considered myself a bad person or someone capable of hurting another person…till I broke up with my first boyfriend and shattered his heart. When he cried on the phone, I felt revulsion for him and then revulsion at myself for feeling repulsed. That was when I realised I wasn’t as innocent or good as I thought. It got stuck there at the back of my mind, a small awareness that I was capable of hurting others as much as they hurt me.

Then one night, while my family and I were gisting, my younger brother mentioned how I could be quite cunning. I laughed. No wonder he was harder to convince to do a few things than my elder brother. He had figured out that I sometimes try to manipulate people.

Emphasis on try!

I’m not good at being manipulative and I think it’s because I get worried I’d take it too far and would no longer know if my intentions are good or selfish when I do things. It’s a constant battle in my head, a constant question. Why am I doing, what am I doing? Is it because it’s the right thing or because I want to gain from it?

One of the ways out for me is to put myself in the other person’s shoes. How would I feel if I was in their place? I strongly believe I should do to others what I want them to do to me. It’s usually enough to keep me in check about misbehaving, though sometimes I go ahead and misbehave for the gratification. However I pay dearly for it either by karma or massive guilty conscience.

I remember my last relationship. It lasted three months and it was a whirl. I don’t even know how it happened. He came to visit me in school for the weekend and he was a sweet fellow with mad cooking and bed skills and we drank wine and funked like rabbits. And next thing I knew, we were dating. It was nice except something at the back of my mind kept nagging me. I didn’t really love the guy. I liked him, but didn’t really love. I felt I should however to give it time. Maybe love would show up along the way.

But that didn’t happen, and his complaints about me started to increase till I started to feel like I was making him suffer. It didn’t help that he was insecure about a few things, like his age, which I really don’t care about in whoever I’m seeing. Respect me and I’d respect you. The only time age would be an issue is when it becomes a way to lord things over me, and he didn’t do that.

So one day he had a particularly nasty complaint, something about me not confiding in him. This led to an argument that caused him to give me 24 hours to decide if I wanted to be with him or not.

It was a bit hard to decide. It was nice to have someone, but at the same time, I felt tired. I told him we should give it up. I thought he took it well, but I heard later that he didn’t. I felt really terrible especially as I looked back on my motives for the relationship. I had just used him, not as a financial source or anything like that, but as a source of emotional stability. And in the end, I hurt him. I had defended my going into a relationship with the thought that if things went south, he’d be fine almost immediately. But it wasn’t so. I’m just glad he wasn’t a rebound.

My guilt ebbed away fairly quickly as someone else raptured my attention. His name, Ife. And he had such a good way with words. I held back at first, but his charm was very compelling. At least this time I had a bit of a clear head and kept waiting for when things would go awry. It tends to be like that when things that are too good to be true show up. They most often are just that.

And then, this minute we were talking about baby names and where we’d like to live, and then the next, he was colder than ice. It was so sudden. I didn’t want to believe that he had slipped away for a while, but then I confronted him about it.

“Have we been anything more than friends?” is what he said to me. I don’t think I can ever forget that phrase. I agreed that we hadn’t started dating… But how do you explain dancing slowly with me around the room and holding my hand as we walked to the bus park, and all those little details you’d share and when you said you really liked me. I felt foolish and embarrassed for even daring to hope and daydream. And it was those feelings that hurt me the most. That was when I realised shii had come full circle and I was my ex at that moment. Karma had come to bite me in the ass and now I knew how exactly it felt to be led on only to realise you were not an as special as you thought.

When I shared what had happened with my friends (I’m looking at you, Bruno), the ones that had known him prior to my knowing him shook their heads gravely and said he hadn’t changed. Incredulous, I asked what they meant and it became apparent that he had that behavioural pattern. In his quest for happiness, he didn’t care who he hurt. I was just one of the casualties along the way (I have known a couple others as time progressed). I was really angry with them for not mentioning this, and some gave the flimsy excuse of how they were hoping he’d changed. Lousy excuse for not telling me I was playing with fire, in m opinion.

Anyway, I’m a bit glad they didn’t say anything. I learned. Time went on and I still liked people along the way, but I always hesitated. I still do. I’m not looking for short term things, so I shouldn’t rush. I’d be patient and see how those feelings turn out. Hearts are too precious to toy with and experiment with. I still sometimes treat matters of the heart like a game of chess (I’m bad at chess). But I’m learning to not be a manipulative lil demon.

I took the pottermore test again and I got Slytherin. There was no struggling or self doubt there. It’s where I think I’m meant to be. Not because I’m evil but because I can identify with some of their qualities – a thirst for power and to prove myself. Then the manipulative demon inside me.

And I think it’s a good thing I’m aware of the part of me that might not be as pure as people see on the surface. A man who feels he cannot do anything wrong or be wrong is a dangerous man, especially in positions of power. Hopefully it won’t consume me.

*

Some nights I’m scared of falling asleep. Why? Well I’m scared my spirit will leave my body by accident. It’s called astral projecting. I’ve had something like that before… Well it was either that or a really lucid dream. I don’t want to astral-project, and then have sex with some low level energy being or mistakenly tag a spirit to me that would suck my life force. I guess I’ve just graduated from being scared of the dark to some psycho level shit.

I like to be so tired so I don’t think about those things so much before I go to bed. So I tend to stay up late and/or jerk off multiple times. I’ve had sleep paralysis once. It was awful. I couldn’t move and I felt like there was somebody in the room with me who wanted to hurt me.

I went online to do some research on the ish and of course science tried to explain it away. *shaking my head* Science, taking the magic out of things since heaven knows when.

Basically, I think science is magic that has been explained. The universe runs on a set of laws like gravity and Newton’s laws and what not. When certain things disobey those laws, we term them magic till they are explained. A medieval knight would view the future as a magical place full of metal dragons and boxes with people in it and horseless carriages, but we know how these things work, so it doesn’t look so spectacular to us.

And then, what if earth was created by aliens? Some people strongly believe we might have had constant alien interaction by the way of gods like the Egyptian gods and Greek gods and all. What if Jesus was the offspring of an alien and Mary, and that is why he could do those wonderful things?

Lol. I get carried away sometimes. I’m sure if I dive into the Internet, I’ll find all sorts of things, but naaah.

*

In a bid to be united, we sometimes forget that we are still individuals and our stories can’t always be the same.

We tend to leave no room for individuality especially as Africans where being part and parcel of the society is deeply engrained in our brains.

Your struggle isn’t always going to be identical to mine and I might not agree with some decisions a person makes concerning their lives. I’ve however found that the times I find it so easy to unlook an argument is when I am sure of myself. When I have an iota of doubt, that is when I can feel my body tense, ready to spring into a fight.

I feel that people who are highly vocal with how they think people should live their life are people who are insecure within themselves. The need to control the going-ons around them and announce their displeasure doesn’t show strength but points at a deeper problem in their psyche.

When you are very confident in whom you are as a person and the principles you stand for, seeing or hearing opinions different from yours will at most lead to a light argument where the purpose is to either understand the opposing view or HELP the person view things in your light.

I avoid arguments. It could be because I’m a wimp and I really hate confrontation. But there’s also the fact that arguments create negative emotions that settle in my chest. emotions I know can easily dissipate by just letting what is being argued about go, especially when it involves people that don’t matter much to me.

As you grow older, it becomes more difficult to change how you think. Best I can do for a person is to drop my points as factually as possible and leave it to the other person to decide whether they want to ruminate over it or not. Of course I’d give the person ample opportunity to change my mind.

See ehn, the world is much too colourful to restrict your psyche to black and white. I think it is for the weak-minded that things have to be a certain way.

And if you see somebody in a really dark place, don’t be brash with the person. It’s easier for someone to come around when you’re gentle. It can be hard especially when you think they should know better but at least try. Be their friend, agree to disagree on topics that are touchy. Sometimes, just being a friend is all they need.

I have a friend and his thinking heavily contrasts my own. He doesn’t believe in love between men but money, and you can smell his self loathing from miles away. My initial reaction was to just discard him. He’s around my age and I don’t need that sort of negativity in my life. But for some reason he and I became closer and I’ve come to realise that part of the issue is fear. Do you know how scary it can be to agree that the bible could be subject to scrutiny? It’s the core of his belief system. So I’ve decided to be patient with him and support him as best as I can. He seems to be coming around.

A house divided within itself cannot defend itself from outside attack. They could even finish killing each other before the enemy shows up at the doorstep. I’m not saying we should hold hands and sing kumbaya. Heck no! We don’t need to turn into zombies or a machine.

I’m saying that we should be together while respecting our INDIVIDUALITY. We all have a part to play under this umbrella, whether we are married or girly or down-low or spoilt or filthy rich or out of the closet or slutty or prudes or hopeless romantics or whatever. I don’t know if anyone can see what I’m seeing. The LGBT is a well oiled machine, one gear helping to turn another to bring that machine to life. Each of us are the shade of colour that when blended together produces the white bright light that we have termed LGBT. We are one but we are also different. Please, please, please respect that difference. Expect it. Learn to embrace the fact that just because it isn’t your way doesn’t mean it’s not a way. I really don’t see it as a big deal allowing a person to choose his own path even though it doesn’t agree with yours.

And if you see caving into societal pressure as being weak, instead of showing or feeling disdain and sneering and constantly calling these ‘weak’ ones out, another option is to be strong. Don’t be selfish with your strength. Use it. Defy society. Let people see that it is possible to stand your ground. Do it so that the younger generations will know that it is possible to be strong and that there are other ways out. Let your actions speak louder than your words, because in the end, loud words just become noise.

And most important of all, do it for yourself because in the end, all you have is you. The people you’re trying to help could shoot you down but if your actions are primarily because of what you believe in, at least you’d still have that to hold on to

Have a Happy Easter, folks.

Written by James

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Previous Man Crush Sunday: Flavour
Next Morning Humour XXVI: About Transgenders...

About author

You might also like

James' Journal 37 Comments

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 7)

July 4 ‘I could be staring at somebody new Stuck in my head is a picture of you You were the thunder, I was the rain I wanna know if

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
James' Journal 8 Comments

IBK’s JOURNAL: Camp Stories

July 30 Hey gays and gworls! Let me start off by saying NYSC is a scam and the orientation camp is the scam within the scam. It’s a scam inception.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
James' Journal 44 Comments

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 32)

March 21 Ella Henderson – Yours I’m not a fan of putting a song on repeat. I’d rather hear something else first before going back to that song. This song

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

34 Comments

  1. Kenny
    March 27, 09:33 Reply

    I’ve experienced sleep paralysis a couple of times before. I’ll be awake and conscious of my environment but unable to open my eyes or move my limbs and yes it always feel like there are people/spirits in the room. I’ll now be screaming Jesus and praying fervently in my head. Lol

    But now, I think it occurs when my mind is awake but body isn’t ready to wake so I just lay there till it wears off.

    Love your message to the community. ?Happy Easter James.

    • Pink Panther
      March 27, 09:45 Reply

      The first time I experienced sleep paralysis for about 3minutes… mehn, those were the worst 3mins of my life. Especially when u tack onto that the fact that I didn’t know what was happening to me. I thought my village witches had finally succeeded in their lifelong battle against me.

      • Mandy
        March 27, 10:01 Reply

        ROTFLMAO! Village witches indeed.

  2. chuck
    March 27, 09:56 Reply

    The person who has sex with men for money believes strongly in the Bible? Interesting.

    • Mandy
      March 27, 10:01 Reply

      Give it a rest, Chuck. Haba. Aren’t you tired of wearing your scorn for gay Christians like an albatross?

      • chuck
        March 27, 10:21 Reply

        Understanding how this compartmentalisation works could help explain how corruption, misogyny etc perpetuate themselves on this country.

  3. Mandy
    March 27, 09:58 Reply

    There’s so much to take away from this entry, I don’t even know where to start.

    ‘In a bid to be united, we sometimes forget that we are still individuals and our stories can’t always be the same.’

    For a community that asks for the public to recognize it’s individuality, we are terribly hypocritical about recognizing the same amongst us.
    And in this battle for acceptance, focus not on the distraction of what your fellow LGBT warrior is doing. Recognize his deeds but do not focus on them. For if you do, what time would you have to do what you’re supposed to do for the community?

  4. Andrevn
    March 27, 10:11 Reply

    Bless you James. Crankshaft oil on your head.

    Happy Resurrection Day Everyone.

  5. chuck
    March 27, 10:29 Reply

    I think homosexuality is legitimate on its own merits, especially when it manifests as long term love. We have to be careful when we frame homosexuality as one of an infinite number of individual aberrations abs justify it by claiming that no individual aberration can be suppressed by society.

    • JustJames
      March 27, 14:03 Reply

      Since it’s legitimate in its own merits do we need to haggle over those details I mentioned in the article. I mean the point is to help Nigerians accept that it’s normal.. yes? Besides a major issue hindering us from freely expressing long term love or seeing that there’s a life apart from being a hoe or getting married to females is homophobia. How about we clear that up first then start to tackle issues like why a man should get married to a woman when the country has a more tolerant view of homosexuality.
      Shout and scream all you want that something is wrong.. as long as what perpetuates the wrong doing exists then it will still prevail.

      And please note that there’s in no place where I justify the behaviours.

      • chuck
        March 27, 14:21 Reply

        How will Nigerians accept homosexuality as legitimate if homosexuals are covertly marrying women and cuckolding them/ disrespecting them?

        Homophobia is legitimised by Christianity and Islam. As long as those remain sacred cows how can you make homosexuality palatable to their adherents?

        • Pink Panther
          March 27, 14:28 Reply

          So what, the homosexuals should all start by dumping Christianity? That sound like the beginning of a plan to you?

          • chuck
            March 27, 14:42 Reply

            There are ways to minimize the influence of religion on social mores. Start there.

        • JustJames
          March 27, 14:35 Reply

          This is a case of dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t cause even not getting married is quite bad in this country.

          It’s because the thinking faculty of Nigerians are impaired that they will decide to hate gay people cause they are marrying heteros. Hello! They’re the ones who created the environment leading to such marriages. But as usual they’d rather blame others than look inwards and realise that they are also part of the issue.

          If you’re talking about visibility then I reiterate my earlier statement. Let those who can withstand the pressure of society do so and show others that there’s more than one course of action. Sometimes movements start as small groups (eg, Christianity. . They were roughly twelve in number).

          Christianity is still practiced in the US and UK But they are at least quite tolerant of gay people. I know there are bigots but there are also bigots who don’t do religion. I don’t really have an answer to the last question but calling them out on their faith is doing zilch so far so good. I mean, as far as they know it’s the gay demon in you causing you to blaspheme. There has to be another approach..

          • Chuck
            March 27, 16:26 Reply

            “Damned if you do and damned if you don’t” only applies to those who prioritize getting along with public opinion/conventional wisdom/follow the crowd. If you are so concerned about what people think then you should give up fucking men since the opinion of others is so important to you.

            Christianity did not start with twelve but we’ll leave that discussion for now. Countries that tolerate gays are those where secular laws have pushed the influence of religion away from a commanding role in social mores.

  6. Mitch
    March 27, 11:16 Reply

    My Brainiac! Thanks for these wise words today.

  7. Greg
    March 27, 11:34 Reply

    lol..sleep paralysis. i have it frequently, but the first time i had it ehn,wasn’t funny. i thought people (witches) were holding me down and wanted to use me for sacrifice,i started shouting holy ghost fire and my mom ran to my room.lol. And must you be in love with someone to date them? i believe likeness, attraction and understanding is enough if you want to date someone. love isn’t really necessary

    • JustJames
      March 27, 13:53 Reply

      Likeness and attraction fades away so easily (for me).. love is stronger and helps stoke the embers when they are dying. So maybe if you’re into short bursts of romantic interests then likeness and attraction should work.

  8. bruno
    March 27, 13:08 Reply

    i think some of what you experience is called impostor syndrome.

    • JustJames
      March 27, 13:51 Reply

      Feeling like you don’t deserve the praise you get for accomplishments and work done? I know that feeling all too well.

  9. Uziel
    March 27, 13:23 Reply

    Okay, for starters, why do people still think that Slytherin is the bad-guy-House? In fact, I don’t see their qualities as bad. They’re just them. I sometimes wish I was sorted into Slytherin. Shrug.

    Not to add salt to injury, but I’ve read about how waking up too fast could be fatal. Like waking up and then standing up immediately could make blood rush to your brain and you could die… So maybe, it would help to think of that sleep paralysis as your body’s defense mechanism. Shrug.

    #BeautyInDiversity
    #AllTheColors

  10. Francis
    March 27, 13:24 Reply

    Breakups suck ass when you’re at the receiving end but I’m happy for them as they’ve taught me how not to waste people’s time and efforts.

    I still get sleep paralysis once in a while especially when I’m really exhausted and have been fighting the urge to rest.

  11. Khaleesi
    March 27, 14:52 Reply

    Sleep paralysis, scary as hell! I’ve had it several times & its worsened when you don’t know if you’re really awake or still fully asleep and having a vivid dream.
    This was an amazing piece James!!
    Your point about respecting diversity in rhe gaybourhood is very valid! My approach is to each his own! Figure out works best for you and do your best to stick to it – so help us all God!

  12. ambivalentone
    March 27, 19:20 Reply

    Sleep paralysis? I have had that a coupla times when I had malaria. I think the fear I may be bed ridden or die prolly just pushed me out of it. It wasn’t funny. Still isn’t when I think it.
    You are Gryffindor. The Sorting Hat is not JAMB biko. It prolly just got tired of sitting on ur head and gave u ur wish. I’ll bet it screams ‘GRYFFINDOR!!!’ when u r in close proximity.
    I dunno about breaking ppl’s hearts seeing as I try to put things in perspective from the 1st second. I have had mine squashed and it is not a nice feeling. The moping, the songs, the tears, the heartache and the recklessness in a bid to get over it…*shudders*
    Are you still on this kumbayah-ing? #sigh What house did u say u got 1st?

Leave a Reply