KD’s Fashion Police: The Met Gala 2016

KD’s Fashion Police: The Met Gala 2016

I loved this year’s Met gala, and the theme tried to marry fashion and technology, which I think was a winner. My only regret is that my darling, Rihanna, was a no-show – like, I was looking forward to the over the top realness that she would pull out as always.

Anyways, let’s do this: the hits, the ‘erm okay’ and the WTF.

THE HITS

KIM KARDASHIANmet1-kim-kI never thought the day would come when I will put Mrs. West on a best dressed list, but I will put away my bias and acknowledge that she knocked it out of the park with this number. My best part is the slit and how she kept every other thing covered leaving only her legs out (take note, Mrs. Pitt and you too JLo; this is how to do legs).

I also love that she pulled her hair back and kept her makeup understated, so that the dress did all the talking. I only wished she had popped in some color with her shoes, maybe some green pumps. However this was a winner. Plus see how she is glowing; last-last, black preeq good o!

KATE HUDSONmet2-kate-hudsonThis is an amazing dress; somehow she is showing a lot of skin but still looks covered up. This dress walks the thin line between trashy and classy, and I am leaning towards classy. Kate has been slaying every red carpet she has walked recently – like, what is going on? What is she eating? What is she drinking? Who is she doing? Just negodu how she is glowing like milk. (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

GIGI HADID AND ZAYIN MALIKmet3-gigi1They look like fashion stars from another planet who just got off their spaceship! One word – SLAY!

NAOMI WATTSmet4-naomi-wattsShe looks like a thousand-watt disco lights, an attire that is well in tune with the theme of the night. Minimal everything keeps the attention on the dress and she iced the cake by skipping a neck piece. Amazing!

ZENDAYA COLEMANmet5-zendayaShe channeled her inner Cleopatra, like OMG this girl did not come to play. The dress is fit for fashion royalty, and the hair? OMG Magnificent! This is a fashion star! And she stood on the stairs like “Okay bitches, y’all ain’t shit.” (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

LUPITA NYONG’Omet6-lupitaThis look was controversial, but to me, it is a winner. She looks like some African princess from some tribe who was invited to a royal ball and she showed up in her royal awesomeness. I wish some dark-skinned men had carried her in a chariot into the venue so she would come out in this number like the Queen of Sheba, or should I say Katwe.

The color is so gorgeous and sits very well on her dark skin, and the hair screams originality. Her skin is flawless and so beautiful that I am actually jealous. My only problem is the plunging neckline; she has done it way too many times, that it’s become stale.

RITA ORAmet7-rita-oraOh look, it’s Becky with the good hair! Hold up guys, wait a damn minute! Beyoncé wore a dark version of a very similar dress to the same Met gala a few years ago; the year she gave birth to Baby Blue. Rita Ora clearly likes dressing like Beyoncé and has been doing that a lot recently.

I actually loved this dress; when I first saw her, I was afraid she was going to look hideous and swallowed like a dancer at Showtime on the Apollo (all these shildren on this site will not know that show), but the dress actually worked. She showed major skin and still covered up nicely, which is a recurring theme in this year’s met gala.

KATY PERRYmet8-katy-perry_1This is the Katy Perry that I love, not the one who began to dress all grown up and threw away her originality and quirkiness. This fabric looks like velvet which is actually a very difficult fabric to pull off and the embellishment is just amazing. I really love the Gothic make-up. The look simply made me very happy.

Hey, Orlando Bloom, dalu o! Do and come and settle umunna.

SOLANGEmet9-solangeThis was probably the most controversial look, but I think it was a winner. Yes she does look like she just had another elevator fight with Jigga, but Solange is a fashion girl and only her can pull off this dress. It will look very stupid on another person, but it really worked on her. She looks like a beautiful petal of a dangerous flower, like the type that will poison you if you touch it. Clearly she is still angry; who she fight with again?

KAROLINA KURKOVAmet10-karolina-kurkovaThis dress is a cross between sweet prom and high fashion, and Karolina nailed it! Understated makeup and jewelry kept all the attention on the dress with its stunning appliqués. (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

KYLIE JENNERmet11-kylie-jennerYes she looks good, but why is she at the met gala? Has Anna Wintour slowly started losing her sense? I thought reality stars were not welcome? Kim attended with Kanye, which is fine; I can’t for the life of me figure out while Kylie and Kris are there? Is it now ‘all-comers welcome’? Who is next? Blac Chyna? Donald Trump? *shuddering*

CLAIRE DANESmet12-claire-danesFashion and technology really collided in this dress and resulted in an explosion. When I first saw her, I thought, well she looks a little too princess-y for the met gala. And then I saw photos from the event proper where the gown sparkled and shone in the dark, and it took my breath away. Hair and makeup were understated and all the attention remained on this stunning dress. Honestly I was surprised when she wore this; this is typically what I would expect January Jones or Diane Kruger to wear.

This dress will go down in fashion history, and Zac Posen is truly a legend. I’m nearly short of words. (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

NICKI MINAJmet13-nicki-minajThis girl did not come to play, OMG! Bow down, bishes! Nicky is serving dominatrix realness and that body is just banging. The hair and makeup adds to the drama and the detailing on the dress is just perfect. I think only Nicky could pull this off, because this dress can easily be a costume for a sex party, but it worked for Nicky and her massive hips.

KATIE HOLMESmet14-katie-holmesBeautiful dress, but I was half expecting her to pull out a poisoned apple from her pockets!

WILLOW AND JADEN SMITHmet15-smithsThese children make me so happy to see, I want to put them in a frame and hang up on the wall.

EMMA WATSONmet16-emma-watsonGorgeous! Gorgeous! Simply GORGEOUS!

I first saw this dress and I thought, why did she wear something that will overwhelm her like this? I was going to say that the dress aged her, and then she turned around and I saw all the detailing in front which kept everything young and tasteful.

Granted, it wasn’t very in tune with the theme of the event, but I think she nailed it. I actually like how she is evolving. She is learning how to dress and has come a long way from Hermione.

*

THE ERM OKAY

NAOMI CAMPBELLmet17-naomi-campbellThis dress would have worked for her 20 years ago. Yes, I know her body is banging and all, but let’s face it, age is slowly catching up with her and she should dress age appropriately. She is the supermodel and she chose to underwhelm everybody with this? *inserts very long hiss*

MIRANDA KERRmet18-miranda-kerShe looks like an art project at my nephew’s school. Yes, it’s the met gala and all, and we expect high fashion, but less is more, darling. Less is more. Don’t wear everything except the kitchen sink.

EMMA STONEmet19-emma-stoneYes, she is not a fashion girl, but in this dress, she looks like she belongs on the set of Game of Thrones; maybe a prostitute patronized by Tyrion Lannister.

CIARAmet20-ciaraShe looks so understated that I am actually bored. If you really couldn’t be bothered to bring it, then you should have stayed at home. I get simplicity and all, but there is such a thing as too simple and this look is just bleh.

RACHEL MCADAMSmet21-rachel-mcadamsDownton Abbey inspired… NEXT!

CINDY CRAWFORDmet22-cindy-crawfordShe looks like a mermaid, but a bit too covered up for me. I wish she had shown some cleavage or something; her look was quite underwhelming. She was the sex symbol of the 90s; my brothers had her poster on their walls which I am sure they masturbated with. What has happened to her please? And before you defend her, go and check out recent photos of Tina Turner.

ZOE SALDANAmet23-zoe-saldanaThis is a very gorgeous dress, but it’s a classic case of beautiful girl, beautiful dress and not good together. If you’ve seen the video, you will get my point; the dress completely overwhelmed her. Her persona just doesn’t work with this dress. She wanted to pull a Rihanna, but the witches in her village said no and she ended up looking like a classy Ostrich.

JARED LETO AND FLORENCE WELCHmet24-jared-leto-florenceI am a huge fan of Florence Welch and in my eyes, she can do no wrong! Therefore this worked (argue with your ancestors *hits gavel*)

TAYLOR SWIFTmet25-taylorI’m really torn with this look. She tried to pull off rock star but it looked like she was trying too hard. In spite of all her efforts, she failed to pull off the look, and she typically exudes sweet belle, and so this was very disturbing to look at. This is how girls who get pregnant in trade’s car dress.

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELYmet26-rosieThis is a very stunning dress and she has the statuesque body to pull it off, but I think it was out of place. I wished she had worn this dress to the Golden Globes or SAG awards. Definitely not met gala.

JESSICA CHASTAINmet27-jessica-chastainAuntie, did you not get the memo about the theme of the event? If you did, you did not think to plan your dress accordingly? Abeg shift make I see road.

*

THE WTF!

BEYONCEmet28-beyonceI honestly don’t understand what is going on with Mrs. Carter and her fashion these days. I know that for any star, it’s always a mix of hits and misses, but frankly she’s been having more misses than hits recently. *sprays Mortein*

This is the met gala, arguably one of fashion’s biggest nights. And you are Beyoncé who can wear ANYTHING! And you show up looking like a giant-studded Durex condom? Except she missed the memo and thought it was an event to raise awareness for HIV, or maybe Becky with the good hair put her in this Christian-mother sleeves-inspired hot mess.

I’m just thinking of the rubber burns she will have on her ass from wearing this horrendous dress. Anyway let’s think positive; I think she is sending a message to men on safe sex saying: “If I can wear a condom, so can you.” (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

MADONNAmet29-madonna*sigh* I don’t even know where to start! I know she reinvents herself and all, but she really needs to slow down and dress her age because she is starting to look desperate. She looks like a scarecrow used to scare away ghosts, and please we have seen her boobs out before. I look at her again and she looks like a street walker patronized by college boys who want to lose their virginity on a budget. (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

LADY GAGAmet30-lady-gagaTwo words: HOT MESS!

She looks like a junkie from 1990! There is nothing fashion-forward about this look. Not one bit! I get that her fashion is often theatrical, and where better than the met gala to pull out the theatre, but this is sad. I was loving the Valentino-clad cleaned-up Gaga we saw the other day. Then she goes and does this. (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

KATE BUSWORTHmet31-kate-bosworthVery hideous dress that completely washed her out! The makeup did not even help matters; she looks like she tanned more than necessary. This is how side-chicks of Greek aristocrats look.

LORDEmet32-lordeShe looks like a witch! End of!

THE OLSEN TWINSmet33-olsensThey look expensive but homeless; like, in a “we used to be rich but not anymore, however we still kept some of our mom’s expensive clothes” kinda way.

DAKOTA FANNINGmet34-dakota-fanningDid she escape from rehab?

ALEXA CHUNGmet35-alexa-chung1Someone showed up in her PJs! I guess she came straight from a sleep-over.

FKA TWIGSmet36-fkw-twigsHey look it’s the queen of the amazons! NEXT!

CHLOE SEVIGNYmet37-chloe-sevignyEither this dress was an exhibit in a rape investigation or she just ran into Chris Brown shortly before the event.

AMBER VALETTAmet38-Amber-ValettaClearly she was attacked by a pack of wolves on her way to the event, but the show must go on.

SARAH JESSICA PARKERmet39-sjpJeso Kreste! What happened to my Carrie Bradshaw, like OMG what da hell is this mess? She looks like a MILF who was invited to a college frat party, so she felt the need to dress “young”. I can’t even deal with this right now! Fix this, Jesus!

After all said, Claire Danes is my BEST DRESSED in that Zac Posen magic dress. And my WORST DRESSED? It’s a tie between Madonna and Lady Gaga.

Let me know your thoughts!

Written by John Ocean

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35 Comments

  1. Mandy
    May 22, 06:25 Reply

    The met gala fashion police is finally here! 😀 And as usual, very hilarious! Katie Holmes sha, hahahahaha she does look like the wicked queen about to poison Snow White, abi is it Sleeping Beauty.
    But John Ocean, your bias kinda stinks in this piece. How come you’re chastising Naomi Campbell for not dressing age appropriate and asking Cindy Crawford to dress sexier? And seriously, Miranda Kerr looks horrible in that paper-maché get-up, but she’s in ‘erm okay’ list while Beyoncé is in the WTF?

  2. Masked Man
    May 22, 06:30 Reply

    Clare Danes, Jourdan Dunn and Zendaya were the best dressed of the night for me.

    I’m sorry, but Kylie’s dress looked too heav . Looked like it was dragging her down. Like she was wearing all the filings from a metal workshop. Definitely not serving me Balmain realness.

    Are you serious with Lupita and that sea weed dress and shekere hair? She made herself look ugly.

    Beyonce has dressed better in the past, but it’s not a bad look entirely. She still looked stunning with that hair.

    • Mandy
      May 22, 06:38 Reply

      Hahahahahahahaa @your Kylie comment. And Solange sef, she looks like she raided a hand-fan making industry, cellotaped her loot together, put it on and off she went to the met gala. John is however right. The look works on her; she’s the only girl who can rock that quirkiness. She’s like Rihanna in that sense. Some daring looks those ladies rock well that’d just be ridiculous on anyone else.

      • Masked Man
        May 22, 06:43 Reply

        Is SJP suffering from marital issues? She looked emotionally distressed. Like she attended the gala just to get out of the house.

        • Pink Panther
          May 22, 07:22 Reply

          Hahahahahahahaa! Tbh, I’ve never seen SJP as much of a fashion girl

          • Masked Man
            May 22, 07:36 Reply

            SJP used to serve some good head turners.

            But PP how far na? This Dakota Fanning girl, why is she looking like Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

  3. Dubem
    May 22, 06:33 Reply

    You’re such a snob, John. Lol. Snobbier apparently than Anna Wintour. If they leave u in charge of the met gala, God knows the Kardashians won’t ever smell an invite.

    • Masked Man
      May 22, 06:44 Reply

      By heavens, what are they doing there? It’s not a lingerie exhibition fair.

  4. Dante
    May 22, 07:18 Reply

    It’s spelt Bosworth.
    Lady Gaga served some gaga realness…deal with it.

  5. ambivalentone
    May 22, 07:42 Reply

    Solange looked like a daffodil. The color was in my eye. I liked the cut and it spoke the theme tho
    Even if I hadn’t seen Huntsman Wars, I’d av bin less impressed with the ‘unoriginality’ of Kim’s outfit. Her yam legs peeking thru the calves tho
    Katy Perry looked like she was going to a soirree….old school style
    A second look at Zendaya’s dress saved her. She conformed. I really don’t get with all these tech themes n plastered hair tho.
    Lupita’s was off. Design, no. Color, mba. Its only the head that spoke something ‘technology’
    Naomi actually did well. It fits her damn good
    FKA Twigs wore her outfit nicely too.
    Lady Gaga??? I had to zoom in. I was looking for camel toe. That’s about all that is fascinating in the….’dress’
    The others were no head turners…for better or worse. They only got raised eyebrows.

    • Masked Man
      May 22, 07:55 Reply

      Lady Gaga looked like a boy learning how to be a drag queen.
      Does RuPaul still run that Drag university?

  6. Dickson Clement
    May 22, 08:25 Reply

    I read an article somewhere about the theme, they said ‘age of technology’ ish borders on using technologically advanced materials in making fashion inclined clothes.

    Miss Harry Porters clothes were made from recycled plastics… I read that too
    Beyonce’s obviously wore latex

    Ciara had this metallic hair and clothing

    The Balhimian squard *kadashians inclusive* had their own unconventional materials used

    Then the zac’s iconic technology gown. I believe in judging the best dress, u shd consider the theme

    • Kenny
      May 22, 09:04 Reply

      Thank you. You echoed my exact sentiments.

    • Peak
      May 22, 12:04 Reply

      Amen to the Balmain collection…except for Mama K/Jenna’s dress and Kim K’s dress. Kim K’s dress is actually dope, but it lacked that hour glass fitting it really should have had.

  7. dabo
    May 22, 08:41 Reply

    you were making small sense until you got to Beyonce? how dare you? that dress is everything, better respect yourself.

  8. Kainene
    May 22, 08:46 Reply

    Chineke. Muoo!!!! Lmao! “If i can wear a condom so can you” @Beyonce choi!

  9. Kainene
    May 22, 08:51 Reply

    Tho Ciara’s look would have worked for me with a longer train, her hair color would have rocked in a sleek chignon and her makeup should hav come in the dry nude mysterious. Siren eyed look she spotted in her “dance like we’re making love” video

  10. Kay francis
    May 22, 09:04 Reply

    How is anybody’s idea of ‘The age of technology’ a latex dress?
    Asim ma juo.

  11. Kenny
    May 22, 09:05 Reply

    Where’s Peak???? I’m waiting for your take on this

  12. DI-NAVY
    May 22, 10:08 Reply

    Dear Mr Joan Rivers, you fall my hands this time. first and foremost, you have to judge these celebs based on the theme of this year’s met gala. Manus x machina was this year’s theme and most of the celebs you placed in the best dressed category didn’t even dress to the theme. Gigi hadid’s dressing was too basic, there is nothing that signifies that she’s a modern day allien. This is not a glitz and glam kinda met gala. The fact that most of them dressed in metallic gown doesn’t make them a hit.
    I’m not a beyhive, but trust me hunnay, beyonce dressed to the theme from hair to toe to the style and material of the dress. I don’t know if she even lost weight cos it gave her a long neck which perfected the fitting of the dress. I had to sit back and wrap my head around the dress, the details and the theme and i nodded in satisfaction. For the fact she did a different colour, dressed to cover her body and did a different fabric should tell you something, she slayed this year more than last year to me. Ciara too nailed it for me and the kardashian clan apart from kris. Lupita nailed it, even from the hair do, she dressed to the theme this time and chose a nice colour for her skin. alliens can be green in colour too. I wonder why you put most of the ladies with flowered gown, this aint an island wedding. Always dress to the theme. I wish Rihanna was present, she would have slayed the red carpet and watch it bleed to death.

  13. Peak
    May 22, 10:32 Reply

    John, honestly I don’t know where to begin with. The Met gala this year was a bland mess, and this ur review is a bigger************ with *************************** and I find it very******************** (Its a Sunday and I don’t want 2 have my anointing fucked up by you and fashion)

    This is like soooo soooo soooo late! The gala happened how many weeks ago?

    This post lost credibility when you opened the best dressed list with Kim K, who showed up looking like a foiled wrapped-take away Thanksgiving turkey. She gets an A for staying in tune with the theme, but the fitting was terrible. Her butt looked excessively huge, her waist line was almost nonexistent in that dress and the whole make up washer her out and left her looking like a rubber duck. So No!

    Before I could recover from Kim, you listed Solange. *sigh* solo is a fashion girl and pulls some of weirdest fashion pieces effortlessly., but this just looks like recycled waste from the lemonade picnic thrown to celebrate her sister’s album release. From the glued together yellow cup cake wrapper dress to the thigh high whatever she has on that looks like a yellow picnic straw. Mba biko, interesting piece, but I don’t see how it fits with the theme.

    Then there was the buckle and black duct tape mess that Nicki had on! Like how in hell’s name did Nicki make the list? The girl has yet to pull of a complete ensemble on the red carpet in her life. She is always looking a damn mess. This is the Met gala, not some low budget ghetto industry dominatrix showcase. Bey looked a mess but I’d rather her than Nicki.

    Claire Danes, is obviously the best dressed. Zendaya, Jordan Dunne, Kylie, Katy Perry, Kate Hudson and Rita, are some of the interesting looks on the carpet ( most importantly, these looks embodied the theme of the Gala which was “Manus x Machina: Fashion in An Age of Technology”).

    So lets talk Bey. Givenchy no try for bey matter at all. her punani and boobs would have been well cooked by the time she peels herself out of tgis dress, cos the heat from wearing that condom dress no be here. People said she showed up wearings Becky’s skin. Unfortunately, becky didn’t shave her punani properly, cos the pearls and pink florals on the dress looks like rash and bumps on a badly shaved pussy. The smoky eye make up was too much and left her looking washed out and dead in the eye.

    I love Zoe Saldan’s dress, but unfortunately its not in line with the theme, an attempt to recapture the awesomeness that was Rihanna’s look last year and the dress pretty mush swallowed her rather than compliment her.

    I see Lady gaga ran out ideas and had to return to her old bag of tricks. Sadly we have seen this look one too many times and are over it. She was bringing it at the start of award season but just fell off with this look disarray. Showed up looking like a drugged out, homeless, hasbeen rockstar who stumbked out of trift shop to attend the even.

    Madonna. Girl has an amazing bod for a 56 year old woman, but this tacky-try hard state of mind has to be put to rest…permanently!

    This year’s gala was generally boring. The men brought nothing except for Zane. The Fashion fore runners (Rihanna and Jlo) didn’t attend.

  14. Dennis Macaulay
    May 22, 10:47 Reply

    Okay let us remember that John gave his opinion; it is not the “Voice of the fashion god”. Just an opinion which is his prerogative really.

    I disagree with some of what he said though, but we can agree on Claire Danes being the best. She glowed like those catholic prayer beads we used to have back in the day.

    I wish Kanye came up tho, He served power bottom realness with his jacket and the eye game.

    And please Beyonce is a HOT MESS! Complete disaster and epic fail. Call police for me

  15. Dashawn
    May 22, 11:48 Reply

    When I saw Kim on the best dressed list, I paused… Then I saw Lupita Hair’longo on the list too and that’s when I stopped reading…. While scrolling to the comment section down below, I spotted Ciara in the Okay department. And then Beyonce was in the WTF section too…. Its okay. Y’all have never liked latex in the first place so *sips tea*

    I wish to say this list is incorrect dear John…. Try to make your distant ancestor, Joan Rivers (Rest her plastic soul), proud of you and not be biased in your fashionistic judgemnet okay?

    Btw, I wonder why Katy Perry is on the best dressed list tho… She looked like a gold mine mess! And where the fuck did she leave her lashes?
    Also, I am a ken-barb and I pay all my loyalty to Nicki Minaj but nope! That dress is extremely terrible!! Was she trying to pay tribute to Houdini’s strait-jacket magic act? She looked a hot mess!
    Solange needs to have some seats with all that fan dress business she’s got on… Is it as hot there as it is in Lagos??? And those yellow boots or leg warmer ish… Fix it Jesus!!
    Lady gaga and madonna look like metallic crack heads

    I’m done! *snaps fan shut*

  16. Lorde
    May 22, 12:28 Reply

    You are totally right, Claire Danes was my best as well, I don’t knw why these Olsen twins decided to chose the path of Anorexia, they look soo emaciated, and I totally think they sleepin together…just saying

  17. keredim
    May 22, 14:06 Reply

    ” ….age is slowly catching up with her (Naomi Campbell) and she should dress age appropriately……”

    Really? I suppose you are Melisandre the “ageless” Red Witch on GOT.

    Yet another review that @Peak should have been commissioned to write…
    ??

    • Kenny
      May 22, 16:36 Reply

      Exactly. Peak does his own reviews without sentiments. *wipes poo off my lips*

  18. Delle
    May 22, 18:05 Reply

    This is just crap!
    Ciara is to be on the best dressed list. Please fling Nicki to WHAT IN THE WORLD list! Lemme not get started on Lupita.
    *gulps down five aspirin pills*

  19. z
    May 22, 18:26 Reply

    Guy your mouth bad sha @ John Ocean
    . ..and I love it!

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