I loved this year’s Met gala, and the theme tried to marry fashion and technology, which I think was a winner. My only regret is that my darling, Rihanna, was a no-show – like, I was looking forward to the over the top realness that she would pull out as always.

Anyways, let’s do this: the hits, the ‘erm okay’ and the WTF.

THE HITS

KIM KARDASHIANmet1-kim-kI never thought the day would come when I will put Mrs. West on a best dressed list, but I will put away my bias and acknowledge that she knocked it out of the park with this number. My best part is the slit and how she kept every other thing covered leaving only her legs out (take note, Mrs. Pitt and you too JLo; this is how to do legs).

I also love that she pulled her hair back and kept her makeup understated, so that the dress did all the talking. I only wished she had popped in some color with her shoes, maybe some green pumps. However this was a winner. Plus see how she is glowing; last-last, black preeq good o!

KATE HUDSONmet2-kate-hudsonThis is an amazing dress; somehow she is showing a lot of skin but still looks covered up. This dress walks the thin line between trashy and classy, and I am leaning towards classy. Kate has been slaying every red carpet she has walked recently – like, what is going on? What is she eating? What is she drinking? Who is she doing? Just negodu how she is glowing like milk. (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

GIGI HADID AND ZAYIN MALIKmet3-gigi1They look like fashion stars from another planet who just got off their spaceship! One word – SLAY!

NAOMI WATTSmet4-naomi-wattsShe looks like a thousand-watt disco lights, an attire that is well in tune with the theme of the night. Minimal everything keeps the attention on the dress and she iced the cake by skipping a neck piece. Amazing!

ZENDAYA COLEMANmet5-zendayaShe channeled her inner Cleopatra, like OMG this girl did not come to play. The dress is fit for fashion royalty, and the hair? OMG Magnificent! This is a fashion star! And she stood on the stairs like “Okay bitches, y’all ain’t shit.” (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

LUPITA NYONG’Omet6-lupitaThis look was controversial, but to me, it is a winner. She looks like some African princess from some tribe who was invited to a royal ball and she showed up in her royal awesomeness. I wish some dark-skinned men had carried her in a chariot into the venue so she would come out in this number like the Queen of Sheba, or should I say Katwe.

The color is so gorgeous and sits very well on her dark skin, and the hair screams originality. Her skin is flawless and so beautiful that I am actually jealous. My only problem is the plunging neckline; she has done it way too many times, that it’s become stale.

RITA ORAmet7-rita-oraOh look, it’s Becky with the good hair! Hold up guys, wait a damn minute! Beyoncé wore a dark version of a very similar dress to the same Met gala a few years ago; the year she gave birth to Baby Blue. Rita Ora clearly likes dressing like Beyoncé and has been doing that a lot recently.

I actually loved this dress; when I first saw her, I was afraid she was going to look hideous and swallowed like a dancer at Showtime on the Apollo (all these shildren on this site will not know that show), but the dress actually worked. She showed major skin and still covered up nicely, which is a recurring theme in this year’s met gala.

KATY PERRYmet8-katy-perry_1This is the Katy Perry that I love, not the one who began to dress all grown up and threw away her originality and quirkiness. This fabric looks like velvet which is actually a very difficult fabric to pull off and the embellishment is just amazing. I really love the Gothic make-up. The look simply made me very happy.

Hey, Orlando Bloom, dalu o! Do and come and settle umunna.

SOLANGEmet9-solangeThis was probably the most controversial look, but I think it was a winner. Yes she does look like she just had another elevator fight with Jigga, but Solange is a fashion girl and only her can pull off this dress. It will look very stupid on another person, but it really worked on her. She looks like a beautiful petal of a dangerous flower, like the type that will poison you if you touch it. Clearly she is still angry; who she fight with again?

KAROLINA KURKOVAmet10-karolina-kurkovaThis dress is a cross between sweet prom and high fashion, and Karolina nailed it! Understated makeup and jewelry kept all the attention on the dress with its stunning appliqués. (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

KYLIE JENNERmet11-kylie-jennerYes she looks good, but why is she at the met gala? Has Anna Wintour slowly started losing her sense? I thought reality stars were not welcome? Kim attended with Kanye, which is fine; I can’t for the life of me figure out while Kylie and Kris are there? Is it now ‘all-comers welcome’? Who is next? Blac Chyna? Donald Trump? *shuddering*

CLAIRE DANESmet12-claire-danesFashion and technology really collided in this dress and resulted in an explosion. When I first saw her, I thought, well she looks a little too princess-y for the met gala. And then I saw photos from the event proper where the gown sparkled and shone in the dark, and it took my breath away. Hair and makeup were understated and all the attention remained on this stunning dress. Honestly I was surprised when she wore this; this is typically what I would expect January Jones or Diane Kruger to wear.

This dress will go down in fashion history, and Zac Posen is truly a legend. I’m nearly short of words. (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

NICKI MINAJmet13-nicki-minajThis girl did not come to play, OMG! Bow down, bishes! Nicky is serving dominatrix realness and that body is just banging. The hair and makeup adds to the drama and the detailing on the dress is just perfect. I think only Nicky could pull this off, because this dress can easily be a costume for a sex party, but it worked for Nicky and her massive hips.

KATIE HOLMESmet14-katie-holmesBeautiful dress, but I was half expecting her to pull out a poisoned apple from her pockets!

WILLOW AND JADEN SMITHmet15-smithsThese children make me so happy to see, I want to put them in a frame and hang up on the wall.

EMMA WATSONmet16-emma-watsonGorgeous! Gorgeous! Simply GORGEOUS!

I first saw this dress and I thought, why did she wear something that will overwhelm her like this? I was going to say that the dress aged her, and then she turned around and I saw all the detailing in front which kept everything young and tasteful.

Granted, it wasn’t very in tune with the theme of the event, but I think she nailed it. I actually like how she is evolving. She is learning how to dress and has come a long way from Hermione.

*

THE ERM OKAY

NAOMI CAMPBELLmet17-naomi-campbellThis dress would have worked for her 20 years ago. Yes, I know her body is banging and all, but let’s face it, age is slowly catching up with her and she should dress age appropriately. She is the supermodel and she chose to underwhelm everybody with this? *inserts very long hiss*

MIRANDA KERRmet18-miranda-kerShe looks like an art project at my nephew’s school. Yes, it’s the met gala and all, and we expect high fashion, but less is more, darling. Less is more. Don’t wear everything except the kitchen sink.

EMMA STONEmet19-emma-stoneYes, she is not a fashion girl, but in this dress, she looks like she belongs on the set of Game of Thrones; maybe a prostitute patronized by Tyrion Lannister.

CIARAmet20-ciaraShe looks so understated that I am actually bored. If you really couldn’t be bothered to bring it, then you should have stayed at home. I get simplicity and all, but there is such a thing as too simple and this look is just bleh.

RACHEL MCADAMSmet21-rachel-mcadamsDownton Abbey inspired… NEXT!

CINDY CRAWFORDmet22-cindy-crawfordShe looks like a mermaid, but a bit too covered up for me. I wish she had shown some cleavage or something; her look was quite underwhelming. She was the sex symbol of the 90s; my brothers had her poster on their walls which I am sure they masturbated with. What has happened to her please? And before you defend her, go and check out recent photos of Tina Turner.

ZOE SALDANAmet23-zoe-saldanaThis is a very gorgeous dress, but it’s a classic case of beautiful girl, beautiful dress and not good together. If you’ve seen the video, you will get my point; the dress completely overwhelmed her. Her persona just doesn’t work with this dress. She wanted to pull a Rihanna, but the witches in her village said no and she ended up looking like a classy Ostrich.

JARED LETO AND FLORENCE WELCHmet24-jared-leto-florenceI am a huge fan of Florence Welch and in my eyes, she can do no wrong! Therefore this worked (argue with your ancestors *hits gavel*)

TAYLOR SWIFTmet25-taylorI’m really torn with this look. She tried to pull off rock star but it looked like she was trying too hard. In spite of all her efforts, she failed to pull off the look, and she typically exudes sweet belle, and so this was very disturbing to look at. This is how girls who get pregnant in trade’s car dress.

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELYmet26-rosieThis is a very stunning dress and she has the statuesque body to pull it off, but I think it was out of place. I wished she had worn this dress to the Golden Globes or SAG awards. Definitely not met gala.

JESSICA CHASTAINmet27-jessica-chastainAuntie, did you not get the memo about the theme of the event? If you did, you did not think to plan your dress accordingly? Abeg shift make I see road.

*

THE WTF!

BEYONCEmet28-beyonceI honestly don’t understand what is going on with Mrs. Carter and her fashion these days. I know that for any star, it’s always a mix of hits and misses, but frankly she’s been having more misses than hits recently. *sprays Mortein*

This is the met gala, arguably one of fashion’s biggest nights. And you are Beyoncé who can wear ANYTHING! And you show up looking like a giant-studded Durex condom? Except she missed the memo and thought it was an event to raise awareness for HIV, or maybe Becky with the good hair put her in this Christian-mother sleeves-inspired hot mess.

I’m just thinking of the rubber burns she will have on her ass from wearing this horrendous dress. Anyway let’s think positive; I think she is sending a message to men on safe sex saying: “If I can wear a condom, so can you.” (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

MADONNAmet29-madonna*sigh* I don’t even know where to start! I know she reinvents herself and all, but she really needs to slow down and dress her age because she is starting to look desperate. She looks like a scarecrow used to scare away ghosts, and please we have seen her boobs out before. I look at her again and she looks like a street walker patronized by college boys who want to lose their virginity on a budget. (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

LADY GAGAmet30-lady-gagaTwo words: HOT MESS!

She looks like a junkie from 1990! There is nothing fashion-forward about this look. Not one bit! I get that her fashion is often theatrical, and where better than the met gala to pull out the theatre, but this is sad. I was loving the Valentino-clad cleaned-up Gaga we saw the other day. Then she goes and does this. (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

KATE BUSWORTHmet31-kate-bosworthVery hideous dress that completely washed her out! The makeup did not even help matters; she looks like she tanned more than necessary. This is how side-chicks of Greek aristocrats look.

LORDEmet32-lordeShe looks like a witch! End of!

THE OLSEN TWINSmet33-olsensThey look expensive but homeless; like, in a “we used to be rich but not anymore, however we still kept some of our mom’s expensive clothes” kinda way.

DAKOTA FANNINGmet34-dakota-fanningDid she escape from rehab?

ALEXA CHUNGmet35-alexa-chung1Someone showed up in her PJs! I guess she came straight from a sleep-over.

FKA TWIGSmet36-fkw-twigsHey look it’s the queen of the amazons! NEXT!

CHLOE SEVIGNYmet37-chloe-sevignyEither this dress was an exhibit in a rape investigation or she just ran into Chris Brown shortly before the event.

AMBER VALETTAmet38-Amber-ValettaClearly she was attacked by a pack of wolves on her way to the event, but the show must go on.

SARAH JESSICA PARKERmet39-sjpJeso Kreste! What happened to my Carrie Bradshaw, like OMG what da hell is this mess? She looks like a MILF who was invited to a college frat party, so she felt the need to dress “young”. I can’t even deal with this right now! Fix this, Jesus!

After all said, Claire Danes is my BEST DRESSED in that Zac Posen magic dress. And my WORST DRESSED? It’s a tie between Madonna and Lady Gaga.

Let me know your thoughts!

Written by John Ocean

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