Oh but I’m not a whore. Why do y’all say I am? Hmm. Yes I’ve had sex with a few men in my lifetime, dated a handful. You, check yourself? I bet your body count is three times larger than mine.

Whore.

There are three types of whores: the one who isn’t a whore but is called a whore, the one who is a whore and knows it and claims it, and the one who is a whore but denies it and is offended by the word.

So you’d ask, what’s the point of this bit?

I’d reply, I dunno.

But there it is, takes from my life. My story. My encounters. My escapades.

And now let’s get back to Owerri and our gist on Kene.

I was done with Kamsi, Danny, Kosiso, and any other eastern trip. My exam results had clicked on just great. I was great. However I decided I’d stay awhile; it was election period anyway, and of course the issues on security weren’t quite clear. My parents had advised me to stay on in Owerri for a little while. Nice. I mean, I miss them at home but they give me trouble. So I’ll gladly stay… *sigh* with Kene.

This ‘very cute’, ‘very clean’, longtime friend (and crush) of his was coming to stay with us for awhile also. Of course I wasn’t leaving the house because of the Egg-roll that was coming. He looked basic. The usual Igbotic yellow pawpaw, no offence intended. (Even if ewure Kene thought he was pizza and I doughnut because he’d seen me naked before, tsk). He was planning on winning Egg-roll’s heart and doing his possible best to have sex with him. He’d been trying for years. It pained me o, but I sha still know my worth.

Anyhoo, cutting away the irrelevant scenes of this story, the three of us got on well. I am a very gentle, calm and silent person. I’m an introvert, so of course I kept to myself. I only spoke when I felt I had to. Kene was still doing mumu-mumu over Egg-roll. Urgh! Eye sore! But one thing that made me admire Egg-roll was his taste – his taste in men, and his unequivocalness. Kene couldn’t even in his dreams get what he wanted with Egg-roll. That was good. Very good! I was starting to like Egg-roll. Good for Kene. Ntoor!

Days passed and Kene began to regret ever having us together in his room. He started to get pissed easily and looked even more stupid because the reason for his antagonism was clear. But he really tried his darnedest to get into Egg-roll’s pants, or anywhere close to his pants. But Egg-roll was just an Ekwe-ekwe, that is, a no-nonsense person, a no-dey-gree pikin.

And then the night came when keg of gun powder we had been sitting on exploded, mostly under Kene’s butt. It started with the rough play between him and Egg-roll. The light had gone out, it was raining heavily.

“Stop it. Stop it oh! Ah-ahn! Owuzigini?” Egg-roll was protesting. “Biko buru uwa gi gawa!” (What is it na? Please carry your wahala and shift).

The stupid play was getting out of hand. Kene was acting stupid.

Smh. I just carried my sweet sef and laid at the edge of the bed. But they were rolling all about the bed, threatening to displace me sef.

“Ohm! What is this now… Kene, goan rest!” I snapped when they threw their weight on me for the umpteenth time.

“I don’t know for him oh,” Egg-roll heaved. “Lekwa mu o! Kene, rapum aka.” (See me oh! Kene, leave me alone.)

The goat was horny AF. He didn’t leave the poor Egg-roll alone. He tried to kiss the guy. And then heaven came down!

“Tah! Will you gerrout!” Egg-roll rebuked him.

Pained, Kene retorted, “What is it sef? Rubbish boys! I don’t even know why I’m allowing you guys to stay with me. Ah-ahn, no fun at all!”

I opened my sweet mouth, but my chi spoke the words that came out, “See this one! You think it’s everybody that will get down with you? Better sleep.”

Egg-roll gave me a high five at this.

“Will you shut up there!” Kene thundered at me. “Look at this small rat!”

I bristled. “Me, small rat? Thunder fire you!”

“Chineke! Can you imagine this small boy – this small rat –!”

“Walahi, if you call me that again, I’ll slap you!”

“You will slap who – me?” He gave a short laugh. “Kizito, you will slap me? Chai!”

“Walahi! Try me!”

“Look at this small boy oh, because I’m sheltering you –”

“That I’m paying with my shobosho. Oloshi! Walahi, try nonsense and I’ll beat you here this night.”

He was dumbfounded. I meant what I said that night. I swear, I was ready to beat Lilo and Stitch out of him. What was the worst he could do? Send me out of his place?

Yes.

Bitch please! It’s not in this room I want to die put.

“I want you to leave my house tomorrow morning,” he said coldly after some silence.

*inserts evil laugh*

“I’ll leave.”

And then, the night passed and morning came. Behold another day. I packed my bags and my stuff, all in a glorious manner, and left with a glorious attitude.

Owerri…

Buh-bye!

Lagos…

Here I come!

You know I won, because I’m…???

Written by Kizito

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