Let’s Discuss…About the Question Of Cheating
Is Chatting Online Cheating?
That was the question that preceded a gay man’s question on an advice column. Below is the dilemma he had to share:
“My boyfriend and I have been in a monogamous relationship together for three years. Recently, I visited a gay dating website and created a profile. I’ve chatted and exchanged pics with guys but have never hooked up with anyone. My profile says “In a relationship” and I specifically say I’m just looking for friends. Last week, my boyfriend went snooping on my laptop, even though it was well hidden, and read some of my conversations. Now he’s pissed and says being on dating sites is “cheating.” I say it’s just fantasy. Who’s right, and who’s wrong? Is chatting online cheating?”
And here’s the response the columnist gave him:
“Who’s right? Who’s wrong? You are. He is. It all depends. For some people in committed relationships, gay apps and dating websites are harmless fun. For others, it indicates that the unwritten or explicit rules of their relationship need to be revisited. Secrets can damage relationships just as profoundly as actions. I don’t know why you felt the need to keep it hidden, but my guess is that it’s because you knew he wouldn’t approve.
“Forget about questioning who’s right and who’s wrong in this situation. Instead, sit down with your man and have an authentic tête-à-tête about the real reason you’re chatting with total strangers. Maybe you feel that your love life has gotten a little stale after three years together, and it makes you feel desirable again. Maybe you’re a hopeless flirt. Maybe you really are just looking for friends. Whatever the reasons are, be open and honest about them, and work toward building his trust back. If he asks you to get off the dating site altogether, decide whether that’s something you’re willing to give up in order to keep him.
“Then again, maybe he’s upset because you didn’t invite him to the party. Offer to help him create his own profile so that you can send your dirty dick pics to him rather than to those headless torsos. Better yet, create a profile for the both of you together. You know what they say: Two’s a party, and three’s just a hell of a lot more fun.”
Well, folks, what do you think?
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32 Comments
Mandy
April 09, 09:07Anything of an intimate nature you feel you have to hide from your partner is cheating.
Delle
April 09, 09:13Oh Mandy!!!
Francis
April 09, 12:07Simple and straight to the point
Delle
April 09, 09:10To me cheating is relative. If your bf doesn’t approve of your flirting with other people (online or not), then I guess you should put a stop to it. Others may not have a problem with it, perhaps they trust their boyfriends not to go further than that. Personally, I don’t see flirting as cheating and we can’t deny that what’s done mostly on social networks is 80% flirting (should I delete my apps just cos I’m dating?). Going ahead to then hook-up with those people is another thing altogether.
So, if your bf is that type like the guy above, well then, you should respect his feelings cos he feels cheated on. It’s all in the head. All about knowing your partners and what they want and do not want. Simple.
Am I the first to comment?! Aaahhh! PP, my Irish Cream!
ambivalentone
April 09, 11:28Doesn’t approve? Isn’t that being too possessive and insecure? If I have told him they are harmless chats, unless I have made it a habit to lie, he better take it for that- harmless chats. If I met u on a site full of millions that I come across every now and then, but still chose you, why shud he feel scared?
Eggsy
April 09, 09:21Why go on dating apps when you already have a partner? Dating apps are for people that are looking for what you already have on a platter of gold. It’s like a guy with a functioning plumbing system at home queuing up at the porta potty down his street. Or a guy with a company car and driver going on Uber for a ride. But what do I know, for all my preconceived notions of relationships and all I’m still single, so I’ll come back when I’ve experienced the real thing and have a ground on which to stand.
Pink Panther
April 09, 09:24LOL!
‘It’s like a guy with a functioning plumbing system at home queuing up at the porta potty down his street.’
When you put it like that, it really simplifies the ridiculousness.
Masked Man
April 09, 10:12You are still single kwa?
Hmmm,
OkBye
Pink Panther
April 09, 10:16*pouring out some cinnamon tea* Yes, MM? Is there something worth knowing here? (Here, have a cup of tea) 😀
Masked Man
April 09, 10:19Hunnay, lemme grab a glove cos this tea is hot. Lol.
Eggsy
April 10, 07:58Nna na so we see am o. Something is broken with the Universe, I assume. Let me just be watching.
Kenny
April 09, 09:36Things like this should be discussed at the start of a relationship. If both parties are OK with it fine. But if one or both parties are doing it behind each others back then it’s a form of cheating. You don’t have to have sex with someone else b4 you cheat on your lover.
Magdiva
April 09, 09:42Personally, I don’t think chatting to or even flirting is cheating, in some cases it’s even healthy depending on the dynamics of your relationship.
What is cheating is going on a dating website and creating a profile under the guise of “looking for friends” and then hiding it from your partner.
Eggsy put it perfectly with that analogy.
lluvmua
April 09, 09:56OK let’s cut right to the chase here, the fact that he had to keep it a secret, already makes it cheating…… so if his bf hasn’t found out, he might also consider taking this a length further by going to meet them (yeah the devil is a bitch) under the guise of looking for friends!!! biko its cheating in all levels , he even had to exchange ‘pics’ with these guys self…… abeg he should be locked up….
Masked Man
April 09, 10:16Wanking in your boyfriend’s absence is cheating too. Lol. Like, nigga, those nuts are mine.
See ehn, it’s all understanding. Some peeps are very flirty, while some others are very reserved. Know your partner and trust them. But don’t go snooping around their private lives all the time.
bruno
April 09, 10:43you should be honest to yourself and your bf about why you are doing it… but then most people lack the capacity for honesty even with themselves so…
Peak
April 09, 10:49A great percentage of us have kept secrets from people we care about, and the #1 reason for doing so is cos we feel they won’t APPROVE, with not wanting to hurt their feelings a close second.
Some of us have some fantasies that our loved ones would shut down b4 we get a chance to put them out. After a while, a man wants to know if he still “got it”.
We have gotten complacent with one way traffic type of relationship mode, that we fall into a boring pattern and imminently grow apart. If he is just flirting nnd having harmless fun, get into it with him. Sign up and both of u can flirt with other people and share stories. This is another avenue for building memories and having a good time when you guys have exhausted all the tricks in the hat. I think its time these archaic relationship rule books witness some form of revision and evolusion , cos people involved have evolved. You police am from sunday to sunday, sun up to sun down, at the end of the day, na “I don’t think we can keep seeing each other”, go end am. So why kill urself b4 that time?. Ppl get bored. We are human. Lets change with the times.
Relationships didn’t ve as much challenges in the 90s as they ve today. In today’s world, U ve to deal with twitter, FB, IG, dating apps and god know what else is out there to police and still live ur life? Where una de get that kind energy from?
I’d say work on ur self esteem, give him some degree of trust, compromise where necessary if you are that invested, keep an open mind, a degree of freedom to express his individuality and pray to whatever u believe in to sort out the rest.
Francis
April 09, 12:13Summary: open relationships all the way.
Peak
April 09, 12:37Lol @Francis open relationship is not for everyone, so that not the direction of my argument incase u think it is. There is no one rule that fits all as far as relationships goes. Model ur relationship to fit the personalities of the individuals involved as well as the era you guys operate in. Using models our parents who got married and dabbled in the 80s and 90s is not working for most of us in this decade. Its all about measuring to current taste and needs.
Keredim
April 09, 15:29@Francis, maybe not all the way.
Ab initio, say first 3 years (if it lasts that long) monogamy. Then review the relationship. If you decide to open it, discuss and agree the rules, then proceed.????
Francis
April 09, 15:40Nna I’d rather end and move on than open anything biko. HIV, HPV, Hepatitis, Warts, Anal cancer etc is not a joking stuffs.
Keredim
April 09, 19:40Advantages and disadvantages of being first in class in medical school????
Francis
April 09, 19:44I wish ???
Peak
April 09, 17:22Exactly my point. If he is patronising any merchandise I am not supplying, I want to know the other dealer and what they are dealing. Instead of creeping around behind my back, only to bring back “komo bus stop” and/or any of the other black faeries flying around. We should just sit and talk about ur needs and find away around it. My pikin no de fuck, my pikin no know man/woman until dem carry belle come give u for house. It’s better and cheaper to open a channel of discussion and find a way forward “If we TRULY love each other.
It’s weird how the same ones who like to scream love, are always the 1st to scream for the exit at the 1st sign of discomfort. Abeg who de manufacture this una love that can like to have flexible expiry dates?
Francis
April 09, 19:46The other dealer or dealers? I can only risk putting my health in the hands of one person whom i trust. Asking me to trust third parties na overkill
Pink Panther
April 10, 06:32‘It’s weird how the same ones who like to scream love, are always the 1st to scream for the exit at the 1st sign of discomfort.’
This has been statistically proven?
Peak
April 10, 14:08No chuck, it hasn’t been “statistically proven”. I didn’t get the memo that observations from the comment section needs to undergo empirical testing before they are voiced.
Pink Panther
April 10, 15:57It’s PP. And you sounded so full of generalisation. I wanted to be sure we weren’t being factual.
simba
April 09, 11:12I have a question,sending nude pictures,say faceless to random guys, would u call that cheating?? MM nutting while skyping with a naked dude is it cheating?
Masked Man
April 09, 13:50Still trying to figure why my name was mention here. Lol
Nutting to a Skype video with another person na cheating oh. I can’t shout.
KingBey
April 09, 16:13Everybody has turned to relationship expert. O diegwu really
Flecks
April 09, 20:17Boy meets guy, guy and boy starts dating, guy is still on dating apps, guy chats with boy2,boy2 falls in love with guy, but guy is just chatting nd flirting, boy2 summons courage to tell guy he’s in love with him, but guy is just chatting nd having fun, guy gives it a thought, boy is bae but boy2 is quite interesting, guy is confused, guy decides to stick with boy, boy2 is heartbroken, guy nd boy relationship never remain the same….