LETTERS TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND (Entry 3)

LETTERS TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND (Entry 3)

Dear Future Husband,

How are you doing wherever you may be? Hope you are not doing anything that might jeopardize our future together? Please be safe.

So I told you in my previous letter that I suspected there was more to the road trip my friends were planning. Well, it turns out I was right. The trip was some sort of intervention from my friends. Emeka, ‘the maternal one’ and Joseph ‘the football jock’ had decided that instead of watching me wait for you to come to me, they might as well hurry things along by taking me out into the game.

We set off for Uyo. We got there and soon got settled in our hotel. We were met with the presence of a friend of Emeka’s. Nuel is his name. He was clad in a straight-cut denim trousers, white tank top, a papa’s cap on his head and black shoes. He had ruggedly handsome looks. And for a moment, I wondered if he was you.

Nuel lives in Uyo and had come to welcome us. After dinner, he took us to a karaoke bar off Port Harcourt Road. We got to our tables, and then Joseph and Emeka were excusing themselves to fetch our drinks. Nuel came to sit by my side and attempted to carry on some small talk with me. I wasn’t very responsive because I was a little bit nervous. I mean, he could be you. I could be sitting right next to my future hubby, and –

Then he began to say the things that made me certain he wasn’t you. With this heavy expression of lust on his face, he asked if I would spend the night with him. I was startled. That was fast. The man I envision being with for better or for worse has to get started with me through a proper courtship. There should be dates, candles and roses. Sex must be a lingering hint up until the time we get to it, not a forceful hammer within seconds of getting acquainted with each other.

I told Nuel his proposition wouldn’t be a good idea. “I’m not exactly in the place where I’m looking for who to jump into bed with,” I said, while remembering the bad sex I’d had when I wanted to revalidate myself.

“But I’m not just anyone,” Nuel said with the lazy grin and confidence of one who could get whatever he wanted. “I am here for your pleasure. Your friends asked me over for you. I understand you seek a real relationship. Well, I might just be the one. Just a night in your bed will leave you testifying.”

I could not believe what I was hearing. Did he just put a ‘one night of testimony’ as a prerequisite for a ‘real relationship’? Who did this horn-dog think he was fooling sef? I was not amused.

He however didn’t seem to catch on my displeasure. He was still talking, clearly on the roll. “I love to spoon. I bet you love that too. Have you ever experienced water-boarding? I’ll show you how it’s done. I’ll press a towel over your face, then urinate on it to simulate drowning effect. And afterwards, I’ll shove my dick into your mouth and cum in it. It’s a very exciting experience. You should try it.”

God forbid! Just FYI, Future Hubby, we are not doing that!

“You see,” my personal torturer continued, “I work out. Bottoms love me. And I can work your hole seven to nine. I’m not at all surprised Emeka called on me to help you out. I’m just that good…”

And this point, I’d had enough. I faced him full and cut in, saying, “Okay, Nuel, I’m sure you’re nice and everything. I’m sure you’re God’s gift to some Bottoms. But you’re just not for me. I don’t get it, how can you dress so well, look so good, and yet behave so poorly with someone you’re just meeting for the first time?”

I was really infuriated at this point and had to willfully hold myself back. I pray you, dear Future Husband, let this balderdash not be your pick up line for me. I admire intelligent people who have an abundance of wit. Please, be sure you can hold your own in a conversation and have an abundance of a sense of humour. Let your energy complement mine, whether we are gisting, having dinner or making love. And in those first few moments when a first impression matters, please be a perfect gentleman.

Joseph and Emeka caught up with me as I was about to hail a cab. I was so mad that I stomped out of Nuel’s presence and out of the bar. One look from me was all they needed to know how disastrous Nuel had been. We all returned to the hotel.

It was 2am when the intercom in my room rang. Emeka wanted to come over to talk to me. He must have intuited on how bad I was feeling over Bernard. I reluctantly agreed for him to come over. He must’ve taken a detour on his way to my room because when I opened the door, Joseph was right next to him. As soon as they had invaded my space, Emeka apologized for Nuel’s bad behavior. However, he said he wouldn’t apologize for trying to match me with someone.

“You want a perfect man, a potential husband material,” he said. “But there’s no such guy. You met Bernard and he looked like the dream guy, and you were ready to jump into the deep end with him. See how that worked out.”

“Let’s face it, Awele,” Joseph interjected, “the man you’re looking for is probably still in heaven where all the good men are.”

As they talked, as their words sank into my mind, I sat there, watching my dating life flash before my eyes, one horrible experience after another.

Does this mean I’m on a wild goose chase, wishing on something that’s not there? Is it true that you are not there, my Charming Prince? Am I forever doomed to want a man who only exists in my imagination?

Can you answer me please?

Feeling very disconsolate,

Your Bae

Awele

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62 Comments

  1. Mandy
    May 03, 07:01 Reply

    That bit about waterboarding was supposed to be so sexy, you wouldn’t be able to resist falling into his bed??? ????
    Do we even waterboard in Nigeria? I thought its an oyibo thing.

  2. ambivalentone
    May 03, 07:52 Reply

    Oh ye gods. Don’t remind me of all those crappy opening lines I have had the misfortune to hear in this life

  3. Canis VY Majoris
    May 03, 07:54 Reply

    “Let’s face it, Awele,” Joseph interjected, “the man you’re looking for is probably still in heaven where all the good men are.”

    OR DEAD..?

    • Pink Panther
      May 03, 08:06 Reply

      ????????
      Now now, don’t be so pessimistic. I’m guessing you’re a good man yourself. If you exist, then others must too.

      • Canis VY Majoris
        May 03, 08:27 Reply

        The first song I heard on my way to work this morning was Jay-Z’s forever young and a line struck me.

        “Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst”.

        So its always best to consider all the options. Besides I’ve never considered myself a good man either ?, so I don’t expect one to exist either. We just settle for different types of fucked up and bad, all a matter of what we can endure and overlook. God help you if you can’t endure or overlook, then be ready to accept loneliness as a life companion.

        Case in point: Nuel will be bae ultimate to some people.

        • Francis
          May 03, 08:30 Reply

          God help you if you can’t endure or overlook, then be ready to accept loneliness as a life companion.

          Hmmm. Fighting loneliness seems to have entered desperate lanes

          • Francis
            May 03, 08:33 Reply

            I’d rather stay single with my “mental issues” than enter into some relationship and be enduring crap that would eventually get me a bed @ Yaba Left

            • Canis VY Majoris
              May 03, 08:46 Reply

              LOL @Francis like I said…all a matter of what you can overlook or endure dear.

  4. Delle
    May 03, 07:57 Reply

    That Nuel guy had to be joking. No, for real.
    What on earth is pee on a cloth…

    Eeww.

    The last part though. I’m just wondering (more like a nagging hint at the back of my wild mind) If this is some sort of a reach out to a KDian that may be interested. Like a hook-up channel packaged nicely.
    Lol.

    • Pink Panther
      May 03, 08:01 Reply

      Lol. Anything is possible. Awele is after all writing to a man out there.

    • Logan
      May 03, 14:20 Reply

      That Nuel guy is into some nightmarish, dark twisted shiiiiii. What!!! Anyone spending the night with him would need an exorcism afterwards. Hi Delle, it’s been too long, I missed you & reading your comments. Hope you’ve been good?
      Yes it’s time, I want to send in my story about my first crush, I forgot to write down the email, where do I find it anyone?

      • Pink Panther
        May 03, 14:43 Reply

        Send your story to pantherptb@yahoo.com.

        And just so I can connect you and Delle, send an email straightaway to me so I can have the contact to pass along to him.

        • Logan
          May 03, 14:47 Reply

          Yes, will do that right away. Thank you.

  5. Francis
    May 03, 08:08 Reply

    Your friends are amazing oh! The man you seek doesn’t exist so do and settle for mediocrity like we are doing ???

    • Pink Panther
      May 03, 08:19 Reply

      Hehehehee. Like you and who are doing? Abeg stay on your lane o. I follow Awele dey find better man o.

      • Francis
        May 03, 08:26 Reply

        Lol. I dey with Awele oh. I’m just expatiating for his friends

          • Francis
            May 03, 13:12 Reply

            My KD Boo of life. ???? Longest time. How you dey? I assume say you take time off to face PLAB/USMLE/RESIDENCY exams.

            Welcome back. Hope you’re good

  6. Uziel
    May 03, 09:49 Reply

    Okay. I’m hooked. I’m here for the story and your writing. No matter how this ends, it will be an entertaining and gratifying read.

    -rubs hands excitedly-

  7. KryxxX
    May 03, 10:00 Reply

    Nuel went south so fast with that “Urine-boarding” shii oh! Like totally! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww! He should have had to sense to ask Awele if he is into such kinky stuffs first before blabbing away. Typical example of a wolf in sheep clothing. ? ? ? ? ? ?

    **In Evelyn Powell’s voice** Such Debauchery!!!!!

    And yes, they are still good men out there. They exist. You just have to make yourself good enough for them. And have the patience to wait too.

    I know a good man. ?

      • KryxxX
        May 03, 14:54 Reply

        Na just to poison/mix your coconut flour with those industrial ones or kidnap you and force feed you carbs for a month! Cikena!!! ??????

        Iz my obsession, leave? it ?for ?me! ???????????????

    • Awele
      May 03, 12:26 Reply

      I agree, You never know, somewhere out there is someone who wants exactly the kind of person I am, complete with all my flaws and failings I come with, and you know what else? He won’t even see them as flaws and failings rather as part of my unique charm, so why settle for an angel when you can have god?

  8. shuga chocolata
    May 03, 12:48 Reply

    Awele, it’s only bit time will tell, there are several good men out there, but timidity still holds on some. I know of a few. PS. not all akwaibomite like Nuel

  9. Quinn
    May 03, 13:56 Reply

    I don’t like guys like this Nuel at all! I feel like I’m in the same boat as you, I pray ‘he’ comes soon to you, just have fun on your journey of life.

  10. Jerry
    May 03, 15:32 Reply

    Be true to yourself and wait for your future husband to come to you. He is out there, do not give up… And there is no need to rush.

  11. Logan
    May 03, 16:12 Reply

    PP, hi I’m having trouble sending the mail to your yahoo, you once gave a Gmail address. If I could have that. My mail has been on sending….. since. So if there’s a Gmail I could send it too. That’ll be nice

  12. KikiOpe
    May 03, 18:01 Reply

    I think (You missed the part where) Emeka and Joseph did send Nuel to seduce You and give You the best night ever, hoping You guys will get pass the acquaintance stage and get a good thing going. No? Just my thought though.

    • Awele
      May 03, 20:22 Reply

      May be we might have if there were no kinky stuffs on the menu, may be we might if he had been a gentleman. He is into waterboarding, fine and good for him but am not …”I work out. Bottoms love me. And I can work your hole seven to nine. ” Excuse me but I didn’t realize I was heading to the gym.

      • KikiOpe
        May 03, 21:15 Reply

        Lol. I know right? Because You’ve managed to acquire two-three bottoms that will fall head over hills for You, it now means everyone wants a piece of You. Smh. Sha sha, I follow You dey find that potential hubby o! I just wonder where they always are.

  13. cedar
    May 03, 19:12 Reply

    I can imagine d leer on his face as he was saying all them smelly smelly things.
    Anyways, just hope u don’t get old waiting for dis “prince charming”. I mean, everybody ain’t purrfect.

    • Miss_terious
      June 09, 02:29 Reply

      I’m definitely part of the people that would wait for my princess charming, my alpha female, my she-wolf ,my iyawo, my oko, my ballé, my chérie, my seniora ….😘 😘 😘 even thou I’ll cross seven moons and seas, I’ll wait for that special someone(future Wifey)

  14. Bain
    May 03, 19:55 Reply

    I know a guy that’s into proper dated,candles and roses- weirdos.
    So keep hope alive, your kinda guy exists.

    sha sha ,be like me…”Stay Single”.

  15. iAmNotAPerv
    May 03, 23:12 Reply

    Mannnnnn i cannot relate to this. Is it me or women do not go through this?

  16. FJ
    May 03, 23:44 Reply

    Hmmmm. TBs and drama!…wa a pe t’ope.

      • Francis
        May 04, 12:22 Reply

        The razzest and sometimes annoying way of saying GAYS

  17. Tangie Bloom
    May 04, 13:44 Reply

    Nuel is the kind of bad boy I would like to encounter. Just once. Probably wouldn’t go through with half the things he wants to do but the thrill of it would be everything!

  18. Miss_terious_dee
    June 07, 16:26 Reply

    Almost sounds like my relationship story…… Dear future Wifey 😢 😢

      • Miss_terious
        June 09, 02:19 Reply

        Sure I’ve met her. In fact I’ve met many like her,except they are all on social media claiming Miss flawless. My ideal Wifey is a stud. A full masculine woman who enjoys manly behaviors and have the attitude to match. As such she should be a gentlelady with proper etiquette .she should recognize the fact that I’m a stem and deserve to be treated like a proper lady ie flowers occasionally and good morning kisses. Sometimes it’s not just the savage sex that’s great but the short talks and lazy stare the morning after.

        • iAmNotAPerv
          June 09, 08:06 Reply

          I think i can recommend someone but quick question; are you thick? don’t ask why just answer

          • Miss_terious
            June 09, 10:24 Reply

            You must be the love Dr in here. ☺ yes I’m thick and caramel. And very much interested.

            • iAmNotAPerv
              June 11, 19:29 Reply

              Wonderful! Thick and caramel ghen ghen popping gal. Anyway, you have said the magic word. I’ll hit my good friend up to come and find you. Thick and caramel…goddamn 🙂

                • iAmNotAPerv
                  June 11, 21:39 Reply

                  Well some water would be nice + I’m polyamorous (i did send you that episode, didn’t i?) can i get the lady’s email? *asking for a friend* 😀

                  • Pink Panther
                    June 11, 22:02 Reply

                    Once she gives her consent, your wish will be my command. 😀

                    • Miss_terious
                      June 12, 01:52

                      ☺ please do give her my email. I’m very much interested

              • Miss_terious
                June 12, 01:55 Reply

                *blushing the only love Dr I know. I’d like to give it a try

    • iAmNotAPerv
      June 08, 09:51 Reply

      Hi! I’m Ife Williams! Resident whore/Match maker of KD. how may i be of service to you? 😀 🙂

      • Miss_terious
        June 09, 02:22 Reply

        😂 😂 😂 Nice name…. My dear are you sure you offer the service I seek

        • iAmNotAPerv
          June 09, 08:00 Reply

          *flips weave* (God, i’m turning into Delle)
          I’m me, sweetheart, i can work any magic. Now go on, tell mama how she can help

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