LIFE AS HE KNOWS IT (Chapter 4)

LIFE AS HE KNOWS IT (Chapter 4)

Tunde smiled at his phone as he read the message Dele sent. It wasn’t a particularly funny message, but Tunde still found himself smiling. Smiling at the thought that Dele spent a lot of time chatting with him. Smiling at the fact that they shared almost the same views about everything and liked mostly the same things. Smiling at the fact that Dele made him smile almost every time.

They had been talking for some weeks now, and almost every morning Tunde would wake up and grab his phone to see if Dele had woken too and sent a message. The object of their sexuality hadn’t come up. They sort of skirted around the subject. Tunde was 99.9% sure Dele was gay. How would you explain the calls and the texting and sometimes flirtatious message, the one that was making him smile at the moment?

“Has anyone ever told you your smile is just awesome?” Tunde heard a voice beside him say.

He started and turned to look at Kola.

“Who is that that is making you smile as if you’ve won a million dollars?” Kola bent down as he talked as he tried to peer at Tunde’s phone.

“None of your business, mofo,” Tunde said, laughing at his nosy colleague. For a dude, Kola could be quite nosy. He called it curiosity, others called it plain nosiness.

“I’m sure you’ll be the one to be checking your girlfriends’ phones instead of the other way around,” Tunde had joked on one of the occasions they had gone on lunch break together. They had a cordial friendship now, and Kola was quite the chatterbox. Not like Tunde minded.

“There is God o!” Kola said, feigning a hurt expression. “That’s how you turned down the handsome piece of male that is my brother and now someone is making you smile like you’ve won the lottery. I thought you said you were not looking for something serious.”

“I’m not, asshole,” Tunde said. “This isn’t serious. We are just talking.”

“Oh please! You think the office hasn’t seen how you keep glancing at your phone and smiling. Just the other day, I heard Lara say she envies the girl that has got your attention, because she has been trying to make you smile at her. I just laughed in my head. If only they knew…”

“Shut up joor,” Tunde said as he felt heat rising to his face. The office wasn’t a place to be talking about this. “Better get back to work. Didn’t I hear the boss say that if you miss a deadline one more time, you will be queried? If you didn’t spend all your time sticking your nose in people’s businesses, I’m sure you’d be up to par with your work.”

“Haba. Don’t bite me now,” Kola said. “You know I have to know what goes on. My curiosity needs to be satiated.”

“Well your curiosity won’t be satiated by me,” Tunde returned.

Kola raised his hands in resignation, and walked away, muttering something as he went. But Tunde was too busy trying to come up with something witty to reply Dele with to pay any attention to him.

***

Later that night, after dinner and a nice shower, Tunde lay in bed and picked up his phone. Yes! There was a ‘Hi’ from Dele.

Tunde: Hey you.

Dele: Finally! What took you so long?

Tunde: A man can’t eat again?

Dele: People were beginning to miss you.

Tunde smiled at that.

Tunde: 🙂 People like who?

Dele: Never mind about that.

Tunde: Tell me joor.

Dele: Never!

Tunde: Odé! I need to be going to bed soon. I can’t end up chatting with you late into the night like the last few nights. I’ve narrowly missed being late from work too many times.

Dele: So you don’t like our talks again then 🙁

Tunde: Abegi, shut up. You know that’s not what I mean.

Dele: lol. Okay. I’ll let you sleep, but before that there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk about.

Tunde raised an eyebrow at his phone. Was this the question now?

Dele: You there?

Tunde: Yes, I’m here. What do you want to talk about?

Dele: Well, here goes nothing.

Tunde: ….

Dele: Chatting with you the last few weeks have been very fun. We haven’t got to see each other since after the mall, but I still remember your face as much as I remember my own name. And that your smile, you’ve etched it to my memory. I practically think of it every night.

Tunde blushed. It was silly, but he felt his face heat up as a white man’s would with a blush.  Was he in some badly-made romance movie?

Dele: You still there? Have I chased you away?

Tunde: I’m here. I’m listening.

Dele: Well, what do you think of all I’ve said?

And suddenly, reacting to an instinct of devilry, Tunde decided to have a little fun. He typed: Dele, are you telling me you’re gay?

There was a pause, before Dele replied with: Well, I’m attracted to you.

Tunde didn’t say anything.

Dele: Say something please.

Tunde could imagine the nervous look on Dele’s face, just like when he had been asking for his contact details. And then, he typed with a wicked smile: I’m sorry, Dele. I’m not into that kind of thing. It’s abominable. I thought what we had was a budding bromance. Not gay ish! Gosh I can’t believe you’re a fag!

Dele: Who do you think you’re calling a fag?

Tunde: Isn’t that what you are?

The message didn’t deliver. There was a notification that he had been deleted. Deleted and blocked.

Shit!

He hastily switched to Whatsapp, trying to reach Dele. The messages didn’t deliver.

Then he started to call Dele’s number. The line rang, but Dele didn’t pick up.

Tunde was beginning to really panic now.

He tried the number again. It didn’t ring this time. It didn’t even connect. He just got that ever-so-annoying beep that gets more annoying when it’s urgent.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” Tunde cursed over and over again, pounding his fists into his pillow. “Why the fuck am I so fucking stupid?” He hit his face with his palms before resting it in them. Why did he have to start acting out. It had been a delicate situation, and he had played with it. And now, Dele was gone. He didn’t know where he lived or even where he worked. He just knew he was into telecommunications.

This wasn’t the first time he had overplayed something and made a situation worse, with what was supposed to be a joke. This was a disaster! He thought he had found something special, and now he had engineered its being wrenched away from his grasp.

And with these troubled thoughts, he managed to fall into a very uneasy sleep.

Written by James

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76 Comments

    • pinkpanthertb
      October 10, 05:03 Reply

      I swear, serious vex ‘catched’ me when I read this episode

      • xpressivejboy
        October 10, 05:15 Reply

        He isn’t an Ode’ but a typical Obrenu…itibolibo…dopemu…in fact, in short he should be stripped of all cuteness and be given Tinubu’s look. #NonsenseAndCondiments

      • gad
        October 10, 06:03 Reply

        Pls don’t allow your anger to get annoyed.its only a story

    • JustJames
      October 10, 06:36 Reply

      No amount of wahala can prevent him from sleeping.

  1. enigmous
    October 10, 05:27 Reply

    Damn, he should never be approached by anybody again…he doesn’t deserve the time investment. Just one foolish scoat like that.

  2. JArch
    October 10, 05:55 Reply

    *sighs* On one hand I kinda feel bad for him, dry and/or wicked sense of humour is something most people can’t tolerate and Tunde has that.

    On the other hand, I feel like he should have tried to assuage Dele that he was kidding, but he didn’t and fanned the embers of denial even more. Not cool bro… So serves him right.

  3. Keith
    October 10, 05:57 Reply

    Arrrrghhh! Very very big fool! So he still slept

  4. gad
    October 10, 05:59 Reply

    Fuck up. These stories are typical of real life behavior of some gays. I have met plenty like that.One even sent me a message to repent or go to hell but has been disturbing me 4 a hook up for about 3 wks now.

    • Dennis Macauley
      October 10, 06:51 Reply

      There is one in my DMs; today he is preaching to me about hell, the next week he sends me nudes. Twisted and confused idiot

      • Khaleesi
        October 10, 09:39 Reply

        plzzz! what r u waiting for? I used to know one idiot like that, 2day he’s saying how sinful it is to be gay & how God is mad at him for being gay& hw wants to stoo, next few days ita how horny he is & craves a man’s touch, let’s just say I dont spare fools gladly … I shoved him firmly where he belongs – the History Channel! whoever wants to see/hear him can tune in there …

      • lluvmua
        October 10, 10:27 Reply

        He sends u nudes ?? *suprised face* *coughes* *looks around for mrs macauley* *jesus take the wheel*

  5. Wildsaint
    October 10, 06:32 Reply

    Tunde. Na crase dey worry you..Dem no born you well

    • enKayced
      October 10, 06:39 Reply

      Loooool! This one pain Wildsaint enter White blood cell.
      No mind Tunde jare…

  6. enKayced
    October 10, 06:35 Reply

    Tunde deserves a humanitarian award for stupidity…
    Truth be told, a lot of Nigerian guys act like this. Met a dude who was playing the ‘Decent’ game with me. I simply left him to stew in his lousiness. This is about 9 months ago.
    Suddenly, he now calls me about 25 to 30 times a day.
    Trust me, only one call gets picked. The rest of his calls get picked by my ghost.
    ION, how is Sensei, The Macaulays, Khaleesi, King, Mr Bassey, Pinky, Lucas, Chestnut and KitoDiaries South-East branch doing?
    Does anybody here work with NYSC or have a boyfie who does? Need someone who can influence NYSC posting.
    Thanks!

      • enKayced
        October 10, 06:57 Reply

        You know I just started a new job. I switched media outfits so I really work like crazy to position myself.
        I have to prove to my new boss that hiring me wasn’t a bluff.
        I’m still waiting to read details of The Macauleys’ #Calabar #Roadtrip.
        Knowing how much people you know, I’m almost certain you know someone who works with the NYSC.

    • Khaleesi
      October 10, 09:47 Reply

      @Enkayced, great to have you back hun **plants wet lipstick kiss on both your cheeks & raises feet to show off brand new louboutin heels**** and I might know someone who knows someone who knows someone @NYSC, send relevant details to Sista Pinky for onward transmission to me …

  7. Ruby
    October 10, 06:38 Reply

    This is one massive dose of Stupidity!
    Tunde should be strung up btw 2 poles and thoroughly manhandled for this like… Seriously manhandled. Hmph *stomps away in thigh high leather boots*

    • enKayced
      October 10, 06:47 Reply

      Dear Ruby, when you say ‘Strung between 2 poles and manhandled’, are you actually insinuating what I’m thinking?
      Cause I know some people who are game for some S&M!

      • Brian Collins
        October 11, 15:29 Reply

        I’m so there with you Dennis. After that good read i have been having crazy ideas. Hoping to find a great Christian to be an Anastasia to. Except Miss steele gets to do the teaching in this case.

    • enKayced
      October 10, 06:53 Reply

      Chai… Mrs Macaulay has been through some major flogging session o!
      Dennis, DiarisGod o!

      • Dennis Macauley
        October 10, 06:54 Reply

        Oh dear you have no idea what happens in the macaulays bedroom!
        Dark and twisted stuff!

        We dont do vanilla, we do chill and hot sauce
        *straight face*

      • JustJames
        October 10, 07:12 Reply

        How do you know it’s not Mrs macaulay doing the flogging while dennis says “punish me, I’ve been a really bad boy”

      • Khaleesi
        October 10, 09:52 Reply

        biko, how do u people do/enjoy S&M?? me, I love me a regular old – fashioned passionate shag … thats enough for me …

        • pinkpanthertb
          October 10, 10:40 Reply

          Im so in that same boat with you Khaleesi. All these peeps that be whipping and handcuffing themselves in the name of S&M tho… *shudder*

      • Dennis Macauley
        October 10, 11:20 Reply

        Vanilla is boring, try some chili hot sauce!

        Try switching things up a bit

        *Christian Grey Smile*

  8. #TeamKizito
    October 10, 06:38 Reply

    Chai. Blaming Tunde? Kito is real. Dele gaan was scared.. Hmm. (Or is it internal or fake homophobia that was displayed?)

    • pinkpanthertb
      October 10, 06:40 Reply

      If na you nko? You’re trying to pour your heart out to someone you like and he’s throwing the F word in your face… No be only block I go block am. I go swear for am put. Nonsense and condiments.

  9. JustJames
    October 10, 06:40 Reply

    Such strong reactions against tunde.. I likey. But he’s a complicated fellow… cut him some slack :b

    His reaction is sort of what a friend of mine did when I came out to him. A year later we were making out in the boys hostel. When I asked why he lied, he said he was joking. I wanted to rearrange his face with my fist.

      • Dennis Macauley
        October 10, 07:11 Reply

        Pink panther, i dey see your tracks for instagam! God bless your hustle! Continu

    • enKayced
      October 10, 06:50 Reply

      This is why some bold TBs go on disturbing ‘straight’ guys. Because we would assume that the guy is joking when they throw all that denial around.

  10. Verified
    October 10, 07:04 Reply

    And he finally slept? If I were to be sleep itself, I’d have ran away… Far away from him to be left in his dire misery…

  11. Rapu'm
    October 10, 07:37 Reply

    Someone wants to keep teasing us. Okay oh. Continue. I have a gun, Mr Writer, so after all these teasing and Dele doesn’t kiss Tunde, then get ready to see the gun-and-leather part of Rapum.

    Nice one.

  12. Vhar.
    October 10, 07:41 Reply

    Crap!! He actually slept?! I mean the SCHMUCK WAS ABLE TO SLEEp?! Ugh!

    Tunde has the emotional intelligence of a 15 year old.

    But wait again o… He actually slept?!
    Ok.

    • JustJames
      October 10, 08:10 Reply

      Yes he slept o! Tunde continues to amuse me too.

  13. Metrosexual
    October 10, 07:48 Reply

    This new twist to the story isn’t cool atall..

  14. GB_show!
    October 10, 08:05 Reply

    Everyone calling tunde stupid, didn’t we all read d after 7yrs kito story??? Abeg d guy was just being careful, no wonder almost everyone has a kito story to tell…tunde didn’t do anyting wrong o, obviously dey were not meant for each other!

  15. Mr Bassey
    October 10, 08:08 Reply

    Joke gone too far……really Tuned the F word….. Not cool, not cool at all. Dele is so like me, except if never tell anyone I’m enjoying their company or I want em, I’ll let my quiet, sweet, gentlemanly demeanor break em into saying it first.

  16. evans
    October 10, 08:17 Reply

    Oh gawd! Tunde fall my hand aswear, naija is too delicate for smeone to be joking wit gay ish na….. Let’s jst hope he is gone forever if not am nuh gonna forgive
    tunde and james
    #serious face#

  17. Vhar.
    October 10, 08:21 Reply

    @ GB_Show..

    Yes, I understand that he had his KitoTale. Agreed.
    He shouldn’t have toyed with his Dele’s Feelings. Not at all. There are better ways of telling Dele he isn’t gay (jokingly or not). That sanctimonious bullcrap would irk you if you were in Dele’s Moccasins.

    #kneels and prays.

    “Oh Cupid, I pray Dele never runs into Tunde again. And even if he does, grant him the zeal to shade Tunde. And as for Tunde, I pray he chokes on his cuteness!” Amen..

  18. Verified
    October 10, 09:12 Reply

    And then using the “Are u F** word”???

  19. #TeamKizito
    October 10, 09:25 Reply

    Wait, he should have kept vigil? Nawa oh. Hmmm.

  20. Khaleesi
    October 10, 09:54 Reply

    its just a story, but a damn good one! come here James ***plants a big wet kiss on your forehead*** your budding talent is such a beauty to behold, keep it up my dear!!!

  21. lluvmua
    October 10, 10:23 Reply

    Now can some 1 pour hot oil on tunde’s head??? Such stupidity in public!! Lol #okbye

  22. Kryss S
    October 10, 10:24 Reply

    Hmmn! All these ppl jamming gorgeous men nd acting stupid only to loose them later, deris Goduoooooooo! I have being there nd I acted same(Playing hard to get)! I only pray Dele responds back or just turn out to be Kola’s brother afterall!
    By the way, am staring @ a gorgeous piece of man *fans self* through my window nd wishing all these fictions I have been reading here would just come to play in my life! Amen!

  23. Nathan Karol
    October 10, 10:58 Reply

    ah the joys of gay romance 🙂 Khaleesi I love your comments, very no-nonsense. Great piece as usual KDtians

    • Khaleesi
      October 10, 12:54 Reply

      thanks Doll! ***shakes out long kuxuriant hair, reties in a ponytail & hops back on treadmill*** yasss … this booty must tite this weekend!!

  24. Kryss S
    October 10, 13:56 Reply

    @Pinky Yes oh! D guy is super hot! D yellow pawpaw, average height, pink lips, chubby faced nd lean body( Oh hw I wish he works out *heavy sigh*) kind! I always fantasized running my fingers through His dark, extremely curly, baby like hair dat he has in a mohawk! I fell for mohawks which I so detested when I saw his! Awwwwwwwww………. So sexy!
    He is always in my neighbourhood to see one yeye gal dat never sends him! Mstcheew! Whenever I see him eh, I just don my bumshorts nd starts to strut my stuffs around so dat he can see my toned legs nd bum(slut much? Hehehe)! I sometimes even catch him staring blatantly @ me! Am like “Helloooooooooo! Are u wat I think u r? If yes, come over nd make a move already! I may b 6ft.4inches but I don’t bite biko! Am not dat ugly either *re-apply my MaryKay”.
    Its just frustrating but a guy has to what a guy has to do!
    OUR AKARA MUST SELL ABEG!

    • pinkpanthertb
      October 10, 14:17 Reply

      Rotflmao! I give up. Khaleesi, there’s another drama queen in the house

  25. Kryss S
    October 10, 16:51 Reply

    Hian!!!!!!!!! See me see wahala oh! D akara must sell naa! Y won’t it sell? After all d whole hardwork I put into it! Just Imagine working out six times a week, doing 40 reps of squats everyday, u r 6ft.4inches, u r dark, u may not b d most handsome but u ain’t d most ugly either, legs that go for days, bum of life, eyes dat just lures u to d bedroom, pointed nose of life, Declan’s kind of lips(without d red shaa, saving up 4 a procedure 2 get one! *wink*), long slender fingers/nails dat works magic in massage nd hairs to die for! U say my akara no go sell? Its either dat witch wit my pix as hand fan is from India or d seventh heaven 4 it not to!
    Dis Akara is so piping hot no naija witch can block it sales!
    Who go buy akara? Akara di oku ooooooo!
    *rocking my hips to Iyanya’s “Mr Oreo”*!

    • Kel
      October 10, 19:34 Reply

      Chai,chineke eriela ariri

  26. Kryss S
    October 10, 21:48 Reply

    @Ken…… Lol! Erilo kwa m ariri obula oh! Its just part of d market! If dis customer doesn’t buy, another must!

  27. Brian Collins
    October 11, 15:44 Reply

    When it seems like you have lost someone with great romantic prospects you pretty much feel like shit. I know the feeling, but i would still sleep sha.
    That said, Tunde is a serious olodo. Truly no one wants the F word thrown in their faces. Dele could very much be a bicurious straight guy who was developing ‘unwholesome’ feelings for another guy. It seems like that to me from what he said ‘i’m attracted to you’. I imagine tuned slamming that in his face. Soooooooo not cool. But then these things happen.

  28. Nuel
    October 12, 11:19 Reply

    Tunde is more like my person…

  29. dolapo
    October 16, 13:10 Reply

    He knew he was gay and was still avn a chat wif him pls which means he himself Ȋ̝̊̅§ interested

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