MGM: An Inevitable Destination?

MGM: An Inevitable Destination?

Hi, I’m Brad, only son and last of four children.

I am also gay… or bisexual. I’m not sure which it is because I do find girls attractive. I have had a few sexual experiences with girls but it’s not the same with the guys, of which there’s been pretty much a lot. With guys, I feel a connection, a yearning, a need. With girls, it’s just bland, empty. I guess that means I am gay.

Nonetheless, I have never really been able to picture myself married to a woman (the struggle of most gay Nigerians) and this here lies the problem. I happen to find myself in a family of people who are keen on seeing me married, especially my mum – such a sweet and stressful woman. I am young, precisely twenty-one, and I have already had the “Where is your girlfriend?”, “You should get married soon” conversation three times. That says a lot about my folks.

I remember the first time the marriage talk happened, I was seventeen, if memory serves me correctly. I was going about my normal stuff at home, minding my own business, and then in walked the Mother General and her friend. This rather annoying friend went, “Hmm, Brad ètochago o! When will you bring the wife?”

In my mind, I retorted, “No, I’ll wait for you before I grow up. And keep waiting for that wife, you’ve already reached menopause.”

However, I didn’t respond. But Mother Dearest had it all planned out. She replied, “Yes o, he’ll be getting married once he’s twenty. I’ve already started looking into a good wife for him.” Then she looked over at me and said, “Is that not so?”

And of course, my answer was simple, “No, it is not. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Laughter greeted my cheeky response and soon, everyone moved on and all was well with the world again.

Fast forward to three years later, and I was twenty, now sexually active. (To some folks, I started late. Lol) I was chilling in my room on a good evening and in walked Mother. She strolled over to my bed and took a seat (uninvited, I might add). She started with a really good tale of a young man who got married not so long ago, and whose wife just gave birth to his first child some days ago. Mother has always been a great story teller, and she was pulling out all the stops on this narrative.

It wasn’t long before I realized where this was headed, so I brace myself for the long talk. She went on about the pros of getting married on time and having children early enough so you can grow with them, went on about how useful a wife is in managing a man’s business (a good tactic she used there, because of my working status). And on and on, she went, ending with “We are just waiting for you to finish school next year.”

The entire time, all I could think of was: “Is this woman fucking with me? What in Jehovah’s name gave her the impression I’m interested in getting married, let alone getting married so early?”

The third time the issue came up was just some months ago. I can’t begin to give that gist now; it should suffice to say that both parents came for me this time. They went as far as asking me to show them the picture of my girlfriend. Lol, wildest dreams! I settled that with the ‘I’m focusing on school’ excuse, but that’s soon about to change and I won’t have that excuse anymore.

I hope you guys now understand why I have this problem a little worse than other folks. Plus I’ve had the scandalous gay drama a couple times at home, good times of being interrogated and whipped. I know the pressure and drama is only going to get worse now, but I keep wondering how I’m supposed to spend the rest of my adult life lying to the mother of my children. Can I really survive not being with a guy, sexually and otherwise? If I decide to be a married gay man, how do I spend my life sneaking around with the man I love? Finally, if I am caught (lol), what do I tell my children who I know I would love the most?

I wonder about these questions and many more, like: Is being an MGM an inevitable destination for me? Can I take the subjection to scorn of the gaybourhood and hetero brothers whichever way I swing? What good is it to me if I lose myself for the good of my family?

Written by Brad

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52 Comments

  1. Kenny
    June 25, 04:50 Reply

    *sighs heavily* Brad we are in the same boat, yours is a few gay drama? I am out to my entire nuclear family.. Not by choice though and these questions plague my mind every blessed day especially as my folks and twin sister recently took a renewed interest in my case. Thanks for bringing this up, I also need answers.

  2. pete
    June 25, 06:45 Reply

    There really is not definitive answer & KD will most likely be split down the middle. The final decision rests with you. Everybody compromises in life, the extent you wish to compromise depends on you.
    You’ll be asked if your prospective wife knows about your sexuality. You’ll decide too if she should know or not. Speaking from a personal experience, if she must know, it shouldn’t be in the early stages of courtship. It can go haywire.
    Also, seek advice of MGMs/ MBMs (especially those who have fully accepted their sexuality, tricky to know ☺). Listening to such goes a long way as they give practical advise.

  3. DI-NAVY
    June 25, 07:01 Reply

    If you can handle swinging both roles, that’s fine and if u can’t , that’s still fine. There are some MGM that are still happily married .But it takes a whole lotta discipline . I am not in the right position to give u an advice because the pressure isn’t on me yet. But haba! African parents self. You’re not even up to 25. I have loads of MGM as friends , I can link you to them so they give you some tips on how to go about this bumpy ride cost indeed,it really gonna get super bumpy.

  4. Rapum
    June 25, 08:04 Reply

    Haba. Them no dey even wait make the circumcision wound heal before them start to talk about marriage. O di egwu.

    • Pink Panther
      June 25, 09:20 Reply

      As in eh. Below 21 o. Some parents are just not smiling.

    • michael
      June 25, 12:23 Reply

      Maybe its because of the scandalous gay scene he’s had at home.
      Maybe its a form of damage control his folkes are initiating…. The earlier the better kinda thing.

  5. EMii
    June 25, 08:19 Reply

    Your situation is New York city compared to my Ajegunle. But I always kind of imagined Myself marrying a lesbian. Am 21 too and a graduate. Only son with married elder sisters who even say they will sponsor wedding so you can imagine. But am kind of up for marrying a lesbian who I will grow fond of not for the purpose of free shagging but atleast she would understand my situation and can relate but that would be difficult though.

  6. Archer
    June 25, 08:43 Reply

    God! This is exactly what I face too.
    Although, Mom is not alive to ask me such questions (God rest her soul)
    But family members are exhausting. Anytime we are in a gathering; a wedding or any family activity, one get asked “Where is your wife?” Although this are said playfully, one can’t help to feel they are 75% serious.
    One reason I dislike attending such gathering.
    .
    Me never even enter twenty fully self.

  7. ambivalentone
    June 25, 08:55 Reply

    You already have your decision made and I don’t think anything anyone says here will change it. Even considering marriage of convenience is the first step. You have bent and will bend further if option Lesbian wife is not available. All you need to do now is prepare ur mind for the consequences of ur actions. Ko ju iyen lo.
    PS PP, Lately, I have really started to wonder what u had in mind when you created this site.

      • ambivalentone
        June 25, 12:26 Reply

        Snails, Tortoises, Carrion birds, Jackals and tea parties come to mind actually.

        • Pink Panther
          June 25, 12:29 Reply

          In English, darling. Say what’s on your mind in English.

        • Kenny
          June 25, 13:53 Reply

          Ambivalentone, the road to self discovery and acceptance is a long windy one. The snails and tortoises will get there eventually. As for the jackals, you’re one to talk…..

          • ambivalentone
            June 25, 22:39 Reply

            How nice to know u understand half-words. You still missed the 1st parts tho. Snails and tortoises retreat at d 1st sign of wahala

  8. Drone
    June 25, 09:04 Reply

    My cross too. I’m also a fresh graduate. Once I get a job my mother says she’s excited about getting a wife for me since I “don’t go out”. She even conceded that she’d be secretly happy if I get a child around now out of wedlock, even if she’ll be outwardly disapproving. She’s always showing me wedding ceremonies on Facebook with the cool dancing and stuff and saying “I can’t wait for yours” with the brightest smile after which I smile back and go back to scrolling through grindr. All the big aunties have started giving me that look. I’m the only son too. See pressure. I admit I would like the comfort of having a generic family, but my sexual and emotional apathy towards women eh, eish! *facepalm*

      • Drone
        June 25, 20:12 Reply

        Even if that happens, it won’t be so soon.

        • Tiercel de Claron
          June 26, 12:08 Reply

          Don’t you think its better to get it over with now that no reasonable baby mama would expect you to put a ring on it?.
          You will have the strong excuse of being young and yet maturing than your later years,when,whoever the lady be,they’ll be expecting a ring and vows.

          • Drone
            June 26, 20:39 Reply

            Lol. Nice proposal, but there is that issue of sexual apathy I have for girls. I’m not very daring or flirtatious and all that stuff that helps you get laid when it comes to girls. The friendzone is like my natural habitat, I’m happily single ?. There’s plainly no desire, except for a few. Maybe when I’m a lot more in control of my life I might help it. Let me get that control first.

  9. INDIGENE
    June 25, 09:14 Reply

    It’s hard for every one brother. The decision is left for you. I want a family, beautiful kids but I don’t know if I can do the main with her to get those kids.

  10. Sasha
    June 25, 09:35 Reply

    Why do people feel the need to get married? (to a woman). Is it a natural feeling or something induced in your mind by society? It’s a question you should ask yourself before creating unnecessary headache for yourself.

    Another thing : No one really takes anyone’s advice, people only seek advice to see if they can gather enough views that align with theirs and not necessarily to question their stand. So I think you’ve already made your choice.

    • Sasha
      June 25, 09:37 Reply

      Knowing the root of a problem gets you a step closer to solving it.

      why do you think you want to get married?

  11. Dennis Macaulay
    June 25, 10:45 Reply

    The age old question. We are all in this boat with you Brad but this is a decision you will have to make by yourself and make peace with that choice. There is no right or wrong answer, its all about perspectives.

    I decided that I wasn’t getting married and I am communicating it to my family one at a time, however I always say that dynamics of each family differs and will influence this decision. For instance I have zero relationship with extended family, like absolutely zilch, so I can’t be bothered about them. I am the youngest in my Nuclear family, so there are already so many grand kids in the family that I doubt they will put up a strong fight on my decision not to get married or have kids.

    Think about it Brad, weigh the pros and cons and make your choice. None of the two options will be a stroll in the park, however I will leave you with this;

    NO PRICE IS TOO HIGH TO PAY FOR YOUR PERSONAL HAPPINESS

    Bless you

  12. Canis VY Majoris
    June 25, 10:47 Reply

    Getting married to a woman isn’t so bad, you might actually enjoy it more than you know.

    But you have several choices really:

    1: As this is an inevitable occurrence for you, look for an established MGM that’ll mentor you on how to sneak around discretely in marriage, let him give you a user manual on The DOs & DONTs of a Nigerian MGM.

    2: Get a beard i.e a lesbian life partner – option 1 & 5 is way easier than this.

    3. Device advanced family stalling techniques – time is your weapon here, as no one lives forever.

    4. Elope to a distant gay-friendly continent, and I don’t mean the USA – this will tone down the pressure to just phone calls, facetime & chats.

    5. Come out – take that bold step, who knows your mom might be instrumental in finding you a good husband instead.

    • ambivalentone
      June 25, 12:19 Reply

      Number one is just plain disgusting. A cheat mentor??? And the fellow will be proud??? Ko ti e ri nkan gidi mentor eeyan l’ori. Radarada

  13. INDIGENE
    June 25, 11:12 Reply

    Dennis u see… urs is totally different… some here are first son’s… some only ! …. This is all just frustrating

    • Dennis Macaulay
      June 25, 11:47 Reply

      Ofcourse I understand that perfectly, which is why I said that family dynamics plays a huge role in what decision you take

    • ambivalentone
      June 25, 12:16 Reply

      And the difference between a 1st n last son is? If the last son has got a job but the 1st is yet to, will they say he shud reject the appointment? Or say the 2nd son has got a shot in school and the 1st is still writing JAMB for Yoruba Literature, they wee say he shud wait???

  14. Sammy
    June 25, 11:44 Reply

    I’m an only child and will be 23 in a few months, and all my mother talks about is me getting married very soon, at most 26..

  15. Evil Empress
    June 25, 11:59 Reply

    Ok…first let me state that i’m 30! Yes! The version 3.0 that comes with fully optimised marriage issues and mummy drama! I’m bisexual…my family knows it.(Thanks to my very Liberal Dad *God bless his soul*) All my friends know it. Facebook knows it! Lol…In 2010, I said Yes to my gf when she asked me to marry her. I was that crazy about Monique, my mother blew a fuse!At the end, I didnt..but I have the what ifs from time to time. Like I normally say…’what do I know’ but I do know this…when it comes down to this marriage issue..u’d better pick a compromise that works for u…Ur mum is Ibo..like mine, saying u’re gay..hmmm…”Off with your head”.lmao. Not sure if u’d always be happy in ur marriage but then in the end…’It all lies with YOU’.

  16. Tobe
    June 25, 12:11 Reply

    The problem is and always will be (till we get some legislative backing), striking a balance between pleasing society and pleasing ourselves. In the end, it’s really about weighing the pros and cons and knowing how much of your personal happiness you are willing to trade for society’s.

  17. Delle
    June 25, 13:47 Reply

    Firstly Brad, your mum started bothering you at a very tender age. Seventeen? That’s not acceptable.
    I think this whole marriage concept is tougher on the only sons of a home. The need to carry on the family name and what have you.
    It gets tougher seeing as you’re gay and not some bisexual. Well, here are two options:
    You could have kids without necessarily getting married. Maybe divorce almost immediately or have a contract with a woman to have your kids without a ring on it. Your family’s priority should be you having kids and not a woman in your life. This shouldn’t be difficult for you seeing as you take intermittent trips to pussyville, so there.
    Or
    Bearding. Although, this is tasking and almost an impossible option but it is nonetheless. Find a lesbian and get married to her. You could shut them up by doing this and the children aspect would be handled by you both later.
    I don’t think you can afford to tow the ‘no marriage’ line except you’ve braced yourself up for rejection and mama’s heartbreak. Then fine.
    It’s tough, I know it is. But you’d find a way. Good luck dearie.

  18. Sam La'Smithereens
    June 25, 14:12 Reply

    I’m the only son, too. Everybody keeps bugging me about marriage but like the patron saint, Felicia, I wish them bye.

    Haaaa. Me? Marry a woman? The horror.

    Eventually, the family will be fine and if at the end they aren’t, their reward is in Heaven.

    Please do YOU. If (not) marrying a woman will make YOU feel alright, then by all means, continue. Your choice, whatever it might be, is not a grand solution to an already messed up world. So please always always do you.

  19. BeeJay
    June 25, 21:23 Reply

    Gay or not, I do not believe that marriage is for everybody. A fact I wish most of our naija folks would comprehend. This issue of yours goes beyond whether, or not, to please mama. You’re obviously conflicted about the road 2 take; understandably so, seeing how young you are. My advice? Sit with mum n dad, have a heart to heart, explain 2 em that u just aren’t mature enough to commit to something as serious as marriage, n demand for time to grow up n become the man u need to be….well argued, it just might buy enough time for you to know who you really are.

  20. RED
    June 25, 23:00 Reply

    well….
    I’m the only son in my family too
    and my mum has not pressurized me to get married
    maybe because she sees me with a lot of girls or maybe because she attends a church where u should get matured and seek the face of God before you get married
    recently my friend whom my mum thought I was dating fell pregnant and she asked me I told her I have nothing to do with it ooo
    and since then she’s always saying
    on your wedding ceremony
    on your this on your that
    I made it clear to her nne I’m not sure I’ll get married o
    but I’m very sure I’ll have a son soon after my housemanship
    and she agreed grudgingly
    meanwhile my mum isn’t an ardent fan of marriage what she wants is a child or children
    owing to the fact that she had a funny marriage
    same as my sister whose marriage packed up recently

  21. geeluv
    June 26, 07:28 Reply

    and what you really want….. #supporting BeeJay.

  22. papasmurf262
    June 26, 16:17 Reply

    All ya own beta…. I’m an only son nd 30years old. Mummy dearest has been hounding me for years nd daddy dearest kept kwayet. The day they both joined forces nd told me they have decided I SHALL be married latest by DECEMBER THIS YEAR… Nne fogerrabourit!!! Mummy dearest actually asked me… “Bia nwoke… Abi ya tin no dey work?” I DIED!!!

    • daleen
      June 27, 17:55 Reply

      oh my God, i just laughed out loud and now every one knows i was only pretending to work at work. your mum though! well i will relate my experience too.

    • Teddy
      December 15, 14:34 Reply

      Lol i can almost relate.I’m 29 and i know very soon the subtle marriage pressure will start.We should start a support group lol
      Good to meet people in similar situations imo

  23. Django
    June 26, 21:00 Reply

    They all say “lesbian” like a lesbian will sleep with a man!!!

    ?

    You all want to establish the fact that there are bisexual men, but can’t be quick to understand that women can also be bisexual.

    What you’re all looking for is a BISEXUAL woman, no lesbian will sleep with or marry you all, since you guys can’t use your thinking faculty, let me give you what you deserve.

    Everyone making the same mistakes nonchalantly. No one wants to correct each other cos apparently, you all don’t care, you just want a lesbian wife!

    *Scoffs*

    Silly!

  24. YOU-KNOW-WHO
    June 26, 21:40 Reply

    I’m GAY but I’ll marry a beautiful woman and I’ll live happily everafter. Because it’s my story and am in control of the script.

  25. Dim
    June 27, 05:44 Reply

    Beats me why people drink panadol for others headache; MGM and MBM shaming on this blog is so disgusting. We are all made differently, so stop setting standard for anyone.

    It is your life,so be responsible for it. You are answerable to your creator and your conscience.

    • chuck
      June 28, 11:23 Reply

      Why even bother with laws or norms? Let each man do according to his own will.

  26. OroboHunter
    June 27, 19:52 Reply

    The only thing that bothers me with the post and comments is the idea of having kids to please other people (your family) and society at large. Please dont bring in an innocent soul to this world just to save ur ass.

  27. bain
    June 28, 08:39 Reply

    If people ask ‘where is your wife’ ,I’ll simply reply ‘wich one’?…..iv settled on getting married to a woman nt to satisfy societal norms or due to internal homophobia,bt because I realised sex is nt a need,its basically a want…n I can survive without sleeping with guys…..n build a family.

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