MUCH ADO ABOUT MASTURBATION

MUCH ADO ABOUT MASTURBATION

The following is a chatversation between a brother in the Lord (who we’ll refer to as Pastor Chris) and a wanker (who we’ll refer to as Apostle). Lol. It is quite the interesting, amusing exchange. Check on it.

*

[5:12 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: How far u

[6:44 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Good evening

[7:10 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: How r u doing?

[7:57 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Fucking tired. And horny. I seem to be horny a lot these days.

[7:57 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: How’s work?

[8:03 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: Wetin dey worry u guy

[8:06 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Nothing

[8:07 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: Horny ke

[8:07 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Yeah. Shrug. It’s natural

[8:07 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: I am a guy, after all

[8:07 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: I hope you’re not doing some immortality stuffs.

[8:08 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Like…?

[8:08 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: Masturbate

[8:09 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Oh, that. Did that yesterday, maybe tomorrow, or later tonight if I get really horny

[8:12 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: That’s really against the word of God

[8:13 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: That’s the devil at work really

[8:13 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: I don’t see anything wrong with it, to be honest.

[8:14 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: God has not called you into that kind of life. It is not scriptural.

[8:14 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: Wasting semen. It is like having sex.

[8:17 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: No, it’s not. What are you storing the semen for, if I may ask?

[8:17 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: The human body produces new semen every 3 days or so. But I’m not here to discuss biology.

[8:18 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: I believe masturbation is a harmless and healthy activity. You can choose to believe otherwise, that’s your prerogative.

[8:20 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: I’m talking scripture, u are saying biology. Maybe u don’t believe the scripture sha

[8:20 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Maybe

[8:24 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: Masturbation is the stimulation of one’s genitals with one’s hands for sexual pleasure. Many have called masturbation a normal thing because it has to do with the satisfaction of one’s feelings. Many people today masturbate because they don’t want to be moved by the physical attractions of the opposite sex when they go out. Masturbation is seen to be very pleasurable when one has no partner to have sexual intercourse with. But this same thing has a very big disadvantage. Its alluring nature makes its victims become addicts to it. Many even enjoy it more than normal sex. Masturbation is evil; it is a type of sexual immorality, and it has its reward. There is a spirit of sexual immorality assigned to it that gives the bearer an ever growing desire to continue engaging in it after the first experience. In male, masturbation is very bad; it may feel pleasing to the bearer at the moment but a time comes when the effect will start showing. First, the man will be easily carried away by pornographic videos or pictures: he could ejaculate without anyone touching him. This is because his male organ is now sensitive to every touch. His brains becomes very fast in calculating what is to happen in the video, and this makes him know what the pone actor is to do next. Because of his great expectation of what the pone actor is about to do, before he knows it, he has ejaculated. This is so because masturbation takes a lot of hallucination: the bearer imagines that he was doing it with a girl. And when he is used to this act, his male organ becomes sensitive to his touch, and even the touch of a female, thereby making him not last long during real sex. To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Whoever sows in the flesh, will in turn reap in the flesh. (Galatians 6:7) This topic has become so relevant because it is one of the problems that lead to broken homes in the world today. Romans 1:24 says, Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.

[8:25 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Ok. Let’s start

[8:55 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: 1. “Many people today masturbate because they don’t want to be moved by the physical attractions of the opposite sex when they go out.”

Not true. I masturbate when I feel rising sexual urge, true, as do other people. I also feel physical attraction towards other people. I don’t masturbate to curb the feelings of attraction towards other people, no. I masturbate to relieve myself of sexual tension, and because it feels damn good.

2.”Masturbation is seen to be very pleasurable when one has no partner to have sexual intercourse with…”

Uhm…masturbation is pleasurable with or without a sexual partner. But the point of masturbation is you do it alone. It’s a solo category activity.

3.”Its alluring nature makes its victims become addicts to it. Many even enjoy it more than normal sex.”

Masturbation is not unlike sex. Same chemicals are released in the brain; same feelings. There are sex addicts, and there are masturbation addicts. Like everything in life, it’s all about moderation.

4. “Masturbation is evil; it is a type of sexual immorality, and it has its reward. There is a spirit of sexual immorality assigned to it that gives the bearer an ever growing desire to continue engaging in it after the first experience.”

Masturbation is not unlike defecating or urinating. Hear me out. When your bowels are filled, you release the contents. Same shit (pun intended) here, only this time you coax and stroke the contents out, not stand, sit or squat and let your muscles do their thing. Spirit? Sexual immorality? Assigned? Who assigns this spirit? The person no get work? Abi im job description na Spirit Assigner? If so, pretty shitty deal. I know there’s a recession and all, but niggur needs another job STAT! Ever growing desire to continue engaging in it after the first try? In that vein, sex is sexual immorality and has a spirit assigned to it that gives the bearer an ever growing desire to continue engaging in it after the first experience. Biology, dear. Human physiology.

5. “In male, masturbation is very bad; it may feel pleasing to the bearer at the moment but a time comes when the effect will start showing. First, the man will be easily carried away by pornographic videos or pictures: he could ejaculate without anyone touching him. This is because his male organ is now sensitive to every touch. His brains becomes very fast in calculating what is to happen in the video, and this makes him know what the pone actor is to do next. Because of his great expectation of what the pone actor is about to do, before he knows it, he has ejaculated.”

Wow! I wish I could cum without touching myself. That would be SO FREAKING COOL!!! And what you described sounds like a very sophisticated A.I. Or Scarlett Johansson’s Lucy (in this case, Lucian. I see it being played by Finn Jones of Iron Fist (man the pun just writes itself!)). And if one’s brain can calculate that fast and with that many variables due to masturbation, it should be fucking taught in schools (Computational Analysis 069)

6. “This is so because masturbation takes a lot of hallucination: the bearer imagines that he was doing it with a girl. And when he is used to this act, his male organ becomes sensitive to his touch, and even the touch of a female, thereby making him not last long during real sex.”

That is generally how people masturbate, yes. Seems you’ve taken the class. Did you ace the practical?

7. “To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

Newton’s third law of motion, yes.

8. “This topic has become so relevant because it is one of the problems that lead to broken homes in the world today.”

Masturbation leads to broken homes? How, pray, tell?

9. “Romans 1:24 says, Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.”

Uhm…that sounds like pretty wise deity. Sure you don’t wanna let them be? They were, after all, commissioned by God.

My dear Pastor Chris, when you get hard and you don’t have a pussy or ass to fuck, wank. You’ll feel loads better. Sex is so overrated by the society that it’s become a problem. Sex is our problem, or rather our attitude to it.

[10:24 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: 1 Thessalonians 4:2-8 “For you know what instructions we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus. It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honourable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no-one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit”.(NIV)

Beloved, from the scripture, it is clear that masturbation is an unholy act that the bible condemned. It is true that the bible did not specifically state the word “masturbation” but reading through the word of God and by His revelation and insight I discovered that it is a sin. When you masturbate automatically you have lost control over yourselves because you are being influenced by your imagination and lust of your eyes. From text, the bible stated clearly that that we should avoid sexual immorality which means having control over your body. Whenever your emotion is controlled base on what you see or hear it’s an unholy act. Those who fornicate are control by emotion, to make this clear you cannot masturbate successfully without having sexual imagination. This the bible condemned.

[10:26 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Ok, I will start from the bottom this time (*keeps a straight (OMG) face*)

[10:41 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: 1. “Those who fornicate are control by emotion, to make this clear you cannot masturbate successfully without having sexual imagination. This the bible condemned.”

Maybe I’m the odd man out (I can only speak for myself, you know), but I’ve been known to masturbate without any sexual thought whatsoever. Just plain ol’ rubbin’ it till… But that’s just me.

2. “From text the bible stated clearly that that we should avoid sexual immorality which means having control over your body. Whenever your emotion is controlled base on what you see or hear it’s an unholy act.”

So…we should always strive to be in TOTAL control of our bodies, no? I guess we should destroy the temple of the Holy Spirit that’s inside us, then (who even awarded the contract for that, sef? WE’RE IN A RECESSION, DAMMIT!

3. “When you masturbate automatically you have lost control over yourselves because you are being influenced by your imagination and lust of your eyes.”

I don’t know where to start. If it’s losing control of myself because I’m influenced by my imagination, then exam questions like “let x = 16b…”, and “if Chris has 16 dildos…”, etc, shouldn’t be set because it causes us to be influenced by our imaginations and therefore have lost control over ourselves. The phrase “dare to dream” should as well be scrapped.

4. ” It is true that the bible did not specifically state the word “masturbation” but reading through the word of God and by His revelation and insight I discovered that it is a sin.”

Man, you really aced that wanking class. You could only have inferred this with a super-Lucian Brian borne of millennia of wanking compressed into 6 days.

5. “1 Thessalonians 4:2-8 “For you know what instructions we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus. It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honourable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no-one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit”.(NIV) Beloved, from the scripture, it is clear that masturbation is an unholy act that the bible condemned.”

See 4 above.

[3/30, 2:06 AM] Pastor Chris: God will open your eyes

[3/30, 2:37 AM] Apostle: Amen.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Previous Ricky Martin to Play Gianni Versace’s Lover in ‘American Crime Story’
Next Photo: Bests Of Online Hookups XIX

About author

You might also like

Our Stories 27 Comments

The Random Conquest

I don’t know if calling myself an adrenaline junkie explains it well. Or perhaps I should say that I love testing the limits. I got a call from a friend,

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Our Stories 26 Comments

We Are Still Very Far

I wanted to share an entirely different story with you until a dramatic twist of events occurred recently.  It is just how awestruck I am at how far away we

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Our Stories 20 Comments

LOVE…OR SOMETHING LIKE IT

Do you believe in love? Can you say when love happens? Are there rules of engagement in this thing called love? Does love conquer all? I am a romantic, and

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

18 Comments

  1. Somadina
    April 10, 06:04 Reply

    ?????????

    Apostle, I kinda like him. Very witty.

  2. KrestienKristoff
    April 10, 06:45 Reply

    The Apostle of a dude was being too defensive n playful, he didn’t really saying anything just justifying his desires to satiate his urges,
    Do your thing, if u masturbate daily?? Does that not make you an addict? But yet u still want to believe ur in control,
    Too much of everything is still bad and in the end there’ll be repercussions, in the end no matter how fast we heal up, there will still be wear n tear ?.

    • Mandy
      April 10, 07:10 Reply

      Definition of addiction according to Merriam  Webster:
      “compulsive need for and use of a habit … characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; persistent compulsive use of a substance/habit known by the user to be harmful.”

      You know what this means? It means that you become addicted, NOT because you indulge a habit regularly, but because you’ve come to that period when you can’t do without it. When it has started interfering with your life and other activities. When stopping it turns you into a basket case.

      So masturbating daily does not make you an addict. Stop using a roundabout logic to support that Pastor Chris’ thrash sermon abeg.

    • Mandy
      April 10, 07:14 Reply

      And Apostle wasn’t being defensive. You can’t be defensive and playful at the same time.

  3. Mandy
    April 10, 07:16 Reply

    Bible-thumping Christians are such sexually repressed people. Jeez.

  4. Lorde
    April 10, 07:52 Reply

    This pastor obviously hasnt heard of the word “desensitization”… the more you rub one out, the less sensitized you are, also, me kwa I like sex more than jerking off abeg oo….dunno was this wan heard it from…….., and Speaking of dildos, how does one acquire a medium to large sized dildo in Nigeria? I cannot be waiting for guys to pleasure me again

    • Pink Panther
      April 10, 07:54 Reply

      ??????
      How do you people even get it on with dildos? I’d rather wank endlessly than let that inanimate object anywhere near me.

      • Lorde
        April 10, 12:54 Reply

        Lol…..id rather have a dick I cn control…not all these ones attached to bigger egos

  5. Delle
    April 10, 08:19 Reply

    Lol what I enjoyed the most was the apparent time the ‘Apostle’ dedicated to this Man of the Bible.

    Everything is sinful to these people yet they are the most raunchy sect in bed. Carrying their sexual frustrations out on an innocent victim. Why don’t you wank, wank, wank and let loose?
    Sigh.

  6. Mitch
    April 10, 09:08 Reply

    Whoever Apostle is, he deserves a bottle of vodka from me.

    Beht, is it just me or was that Pastor Chris so dumb that he didn’t notice the gay insertions by Apostle? Lucy to Lucien?
    ????

    • Pink Panther
      April 10, 09:41 Reply

      I saw that too! ??? His cluelessness is not shocking, considering the ignorance of his sweeping sermon.

  7. ambivalentone
    April 10, 10:37 Reply

    I died at “What are u storing the semen for?” Ta lo mo?

  8. UC TheMisfit
    April 10, 10:40 Reply

    Reading through this it just felt like this ‘Apostle’ character is one particular friend of mine. I can see him giving these kind of replies to Pastor Chris’s queries on masturbation.

    LOL?

  9. Gad
    April 10, 16:01 Reply

    I never knew that people still have time enough to devote to mundane issues.

  10. boniface
    April 11, 08:54 Reply

    lol such a nice argument the apostle is quite wise enough to hit the nail by the head and make out a nice points masturbation is bad we all know but l see it as way in which we prevent ourselves from those STD carriers looking for whom to share their sorrows with

    • Pink Panther
      April 11, 08:59 Reply

      Masturbation is bad…we all know? How do we all know this?

Leave a Reply