I like to think that I am the good wife, metaphorically speaking. I like to think of myself as a goodly natured person, you know, cool, calm and collected. The kind of person who’d work his way into a blissful marriage such as was seen in the movie, War Room. (If you have not seen that movie, I implore you to go do so). Needless to say, I am not a hot head.
I visited an old friend on a weekend and we had a nice time in each other’s company. He cooked, we ate, chatted, and watched Game Of Thrones. And then, it was time for me to go. He accompanied me outside, where I’d get a bike to take me home. And then I remembered to ask him how his current boyfriend was, and he responded with a sigh, lamenting about how tired he was of the relationship. He talked about how the guy was too much of a hot head for him. According to him, there was a moment when this boyfriend threatened to stab the both of them because of a suspicious text message he spied on my friend’s phone. At another time, he outed my friend to his girlfriend. There were lots of other tales of woe my friend told me, a narration I barely paid any attention to. I couldn’t empathize with him. And here’s why.
Guys like my friend go looking for the hot heads when they want to get into a serious relationship. They will not admit it even to themselves, but they do enjoy the drama and sometimes baggage these kinds of guys bring into the relationship. Sometimes they unwittingly encourage their drama, provoke their insecurities as a way to amuse themselves (or so I think). And when it all gets too much for them to handle, they discard the hot heads and then look around for the cool heads (like me) for a rebound.
This is simply not fair.
For guys like me who do not thrive in the drama and unsought-for attention, where does that leave us? I once briefly dated a guy who dumped me because I was not jealous enough.
I agree that a level of jealousy is needed in a relationship, but I am that kind of boyfriend who will not drive himself crazy with thoughts of where you are or whether or not you are doing whoever and so on. NO. I have too much to think about, like how my life and work can be better, and how to be a better boyfriend to you. I have too much going on in my personal life to be preoccupied with excessive jealousy. That emotion is too distracting. If you are truly carrying on with people in the manner you aren’t supposed to, considering you’re in a relationship with me, what would be the point of worrying about it when there’s the inevitability that I’d get to know? And if you aren’t cheating, again, what would be the point of worrying over something that isn’t going on?
Apparently, this guy I briefly dated thought different. He broke it off with me because I refused to be too bothered about whether or not he was sleeping with other people, and because I asked him too few questions. As he got theatrical over my lack of sufficient jealousy, I wondered to myself: Will my jealous rage stop you from seeing other people if you really wanted to? How am I supposed to concentrate at work or school if all I think about is whether or not you are cheating on me? Is my attention to what you are up to when I’m not with you all the indicator you need for my dedication to us? The more I thought these questions, the more incredulous I got. I couldn’t believe this guy.
Eventually, he left. He walked away from me, angry. I was hurt. I’d truly cared about him. When he was not the demanding, insecure boyfriend, he was sweet and loving.
And so, to my friend lamenting about his hotheaded boyfriend, I said not a word. I know him. And I know he thrives on this kind of drama in his relationships. I was pretty sure he’d sort his way through the mess with his boyfriend.
I think relationships should be built and based on trust and truth. No relationship is easy, but the couple involved has to decide to give it what it needs. I should get a little jealous because I love my boyfriend but I will not let it drive me crazy. The energy I have should be directed at more profitable ventures like eating good food to get suppler skin, cooking the best oha soup I can manage, practicing safe but adventurous sex, and keeping up with the Kardashians on E!
Written by Darlene Sirilo Johnson