I remember the first day I agreed to risk meeting you after months of chatting online. There was no rush. There was no anticipation or excitement. I had given up on love by then and resigned to fate. Before that first day, I decided never to hunt for love again. I told myself cupid was busy with other people and would eventually find me when he was ready. I didn’t dress to impress you. I wasn’t weary of which words to use, when to laugh, when to be coy… I came to you, not to sweep you off your feet or send you running for the lush hills of the Plateau. I didn’t think much of it when you kept insisting on seeing me regularly. I listened silently to you that evening when you told me about your previous relationship and how badly he treated you. I was mesmerized when those liquid diamonds came slithering down your fair cheeks and before I knew what I was doing, I leaned in and touched my lips to the salty diamonds. When you looked at me with those brown eyes, twinkling under the florescent light in the room and asked if I had those feelings for you, I unwittingly said I did even though I had no idea if I did.
And then I kissed you, tasted the soft, lush lips you didn’t even know you had. I savored the fresh breath that gushed out of your lips and enveloped me in warmth. When you offered your tongue, I took it in and allowed it make passionate love to my mouth. Each thrust served to pull me deeper into you.
Falling in love with you was not part of the plan and I still don’t know the exact moment I opened up my heart to you. Maybe it was when I first visited you and met your family. Or maybe it was because of how vulnerable you looked that day, lying down with that sickly look on your face. Maybe it was when your mother tried to get you to eat and you refused but when I told you to eat, you obeyed without hesitation. Perhaps it was the look on your mum’s face when she thanked me for finally getting you to eat and keep the food down without throwing up again. Mayhap it was when I opened up to you and told you about my previous relationships. Wait, maybe it was the fact that I stayed the night to take care of you that first day I visited you.
Falling in love with you still remains a mystery to my burning heart. A mystery it was and it knocked me off my feet when I walked up the stairs of the specialist hospital for the routine test that signifies the beginning of my relationships. I knew I was in love you when I didn’t hesitate to tell you the result of the test, and I loved you even more when you didn’t shy away from me. When you held me in your arms and cried with me. When you kissed me afterwards and then proceeded to retrieve the rubber I always carried in my wallet and rolled it down my erect phallus. You didn’t hesitate to welcome me in and envelope my shaft in the warmth of your tight cherry. No, you didn’t even flinch when we made love for the first time even though you knew my condition. That moment, when I looked into your eyes and with a deep thrust, I came… I said I love you and I knew then that I meant it.
I always thought love was an illusion, a mirage, a fantasy, an excuse our heart colludes with our minds to tell us in explanation for the raging hormones we cannot control. My love for you felt real, I could almost touch it when I held your hand as we walked through the safari route of the park, looking at the animals in cages. I could taste it when I kissed you and I smelled it in the warmth of your breath. You had no reason to be with me, yet you chose to stay. You had no reason to come to the clinic with me that very day I passed my adherence test and the Social Worker said I needed someone to sign for my drugs. You had no reason to answer the humiliating questions asked of you and you had no reason to agree to the compulsory test to determine your status even though you knew you were negative. Yet you went through all that for me and you encouraged me to tell my parents what I was going through that night back home. You redefined love to me and I knew what we felt for each other was as real as the blue wall in my room which you always admired.
The greatest feeling in the world is to love and be loved in return, for without love, we are nothing. You were my strength through those times and I didn’t feel betrayed when I discovered you were still dating the ex-boyfriend you told me about. I agreed to pose as just your friend the day he called to say he was coming to visit you at work and I silently gave you the privacy you needed when we met again in your house. I told myself I was lucky you would still come back to me at the end of the day and I understood every time you apologized for putting me in that situation. I waited patiently for you to finally end the relationship with him, and when you did, I maintained my composure when he called me to insult me. I didn’t fight back when he called me a cheap whore and a boyfriend snatcher. I was silent when he accused me of using my parent’s wealth to steal you away from him. And I most certainly didn’t tell him all that you told me about him. And I never told you he called me. I never asked you how he got my number and I dutifully deleted the nasty messages he left on my Facebook wall without your knowledge. Finally having you all to myself was worth the drama and I was confident our love would stand the test of time. In my very naïve mind, I thought I had finally reached the end of the maze and found the prize that has eluded so many.
If only I knew… If only.
Sometimes, I sit awake through the night, staring out the window towards the lights that look like the stars had finally come down to rest on the Plateau. Wondering where it all went wrong. I find it difficult to believe it was the five months I was home waiting to be mobilized for Service. It couldn’t be those months, for I knew how dark they were and you were nowhere to be found. You were not around when I intentionally overdosed on my meds. You were not there when I jumped off the balcony and sprained my ankle. You were not there when I finally told mum I wanted to die or when Dad bundled me off to the mental hospital in Zaria. I wonder if those days, you knew what I was going through. I wonder if you came to inquire about why my phone was switched off and why I’d suddenly disappeared.
We didn’t talk about those dark months when I finally came home and called you. When I met that man in your house and you told me he was your uncle, I believed you. When I doubted you and you showed me his wedding picture, it reassured me. How was I to know you could cheat on me with a married man?
The last night we spent together before I went to camp was pure bliss. It was the first time I didn’t pretend to be over the depression that’d enveloped me for months. That night gave me strength to stay committed to you over the year I spent away for service. I still loved you with every fiber of my being even though you hardly called or replied my messages. I didn’t feel hurt when I knew you were seeing other people, I told myself you deserved to be happy and I was willing to let you get from outside what I couldn’t give you.
What happened to all the love you promised? Where did it all go wrong? How did I lose you?
After my service year, I came back home with a vengeance. To finally take back what was mine. Ignoring the advice from friends who knew you had moved on a long time ago, I inserted myself back into your life. It was glorious, it was the first time I actually believed I had the Cleopatra Complex. I hadn’t felt that much life coursing through my veins when I looked deep into your brown eyes and told you point-blank I still had feelings for you and I needed you back. I leaned forward and kissed you passionately even though I knew you were dating someone else. We made passionate love that night and when you told me how much you missed me, when you cried and asked me to forgive you, when you promised to end your relationship to be with me alone, when I confidently gave you my conditions and laid down the rules for our revived relationship, when you accepted them without hesitation, everything felt alright again. Before dawn, we’d consummated our new-found love four times. We basked in the euphoria of passion. We devoured each other feverishly that night and you confessed that no one had ever made you feel alive the way I do. You were transformed from a lamb to a vixen in bed that night and it was the best we ever had.
Maybe you really did love me for a while after that night, or maybe you just needed a way out from your relationship and I gave you the perfect excuse. I wouldn’t know. Things were never the same between us again and I soon learned I had lost you a long time ago. I know I am not perfect. I know I did a lot of things wrong and took you for granted. Yes, I was too domineering and controlling. We were both on opposite ends of the rainbow, you were extremely passive and I was extremely active. I have loved you for five years now and I have watched you blossom into this peacock you are now. Somewhere deep within me, I still love that innocent, reserved and caring person you were. Last night, you confessed to me that no one could ever love you the way I did, and you would never forget me. I want you to know that as long as the sun still rises in the East and sets in the West, you will find love again. Maybe not as intense as what we had or perhaps it will be better than what we had, but I know you will find someone like me someday. When you do, you tell him that if he ever hurts you, I will find him and show him why Karma is really a Bitch.
Finally, I have let go of the past and all the hurt you brought me and I hope you can forgive me too. You asked me if I miss you and I bluntly said there is nothing to miss. Well, I lied. I miss you every minute of every day, and I hope someday I can tell you how much I miss you, but not yet.
Not just yet, my dear.
Written by the Blunt Bitch