Naturally YOU
I started reading Kito Diaries late last year after I was introduced to it by a friend. He told me then that the comments posted against the articles are the icing on the cake. And so it proved. I felt like one who had discovered a new world inhabited by wonderful creatures with some equally mysterious and intriguing names. I had discovered a community of like minds. I was home. I had fantastic ideas of what such a community can become. Sometimes, when my mind wandered as I jogged in the morning before heading to work, I imagined a cult or society made of well-groomed gentlemen meeting in secret locations in attempts at subversion of the stifling laws of the State. Yes I was that excited about the blog. I remember a friend, not Nigerian, who I introduced Kito Diaries to telling me, “I was born in the wrong country!”
There were, of course, the heartbreaking kito stories, the difficult issues regarding dealing with HIV and marriage, with all the arguments that these engendered. Over time, I noticed certain interests and agendas in the comments. Harmless ones in my estimation, there were the religious ones, the critics, and the crushes. I also came to understand that this blog and the comments are an avenue to let off steam, rage against the system that subdues us and try to give reign to the alter egos we have. A place to put on heels, flip long hairs, blow on wet nail polishes and the like.
This is all well and good, but I tend to be a serious person, and I feel that Kito Diaries should be about much more.
I still felt despite all these that the one thing that united us is the knowledge that we are different and are comfortable in our difference, even if the environment is stifling. However some comments brought me to the realisation that we are not all quite at par when it comes to views on sexuality and acceptance of ourselves. That is part of the reason I started commenting. It was in an attempt to add my voice to the arguments in order that other points of views may be considered and people would learn from me just as I have learnt from others.
Alarmingly, lately, I have noticed rhetoric used by homophobes and people with little understanding of what it means to be gay, creeping into our discourse and being accepted as truth. And this saddens me. I have read someone tell another to ‘man up’; there have been slut-shaming; the opinions of ‘Why come out when straight guys don’t bother?’; the ridiculing of those who decide that marriage is not for them. I think that at the heart of this is a lack of acceptance of our sexuality and even worse, an acceptance of the society’s views about us.
This is what I will try to address in this piece.
No one knows why people are born gay. All that are available now are theories from observations. The ‘gay’ uncle theory came from observations that a lot of gay men tended to have gay uncles, and this probably fuelled the search for the gay gene. Some have also attributed it to sexual abuse in early childhood, a theory I have heard a commenter espouse here as well. This is the one that is beloved by the religious fanatics and proponents of gay conversion therapy, as it helps their claim that being gay is an anomaly and therefore should be treated by psychiatrists and not allowed to fester. I however came across a paper that attempts to debunk this with the following arguments. The figures are based on the US population where the writer is based.
- 8% of people identify as LGBT whereas estimates for sex abuse in childhood is 16% for males and 27% for females. If sexual abuse is a cause for homosexuality, then a lot more people would be gay than actually are. Furthermore more females are abused in childhood yet more men identify as gay than women. If sexual abuse is a cause, then the reverse would be the case.
- The idea of the gender of the abuser being a trigger for LGBT identification was also addressed. Female children are more likely to be abused by males, and lesbians may question whether they became so because of their revulsion for the gender of the abuser. Male children are also more likely to be abused by males and some question whether that makes them identify sex with men. These explanations are not consistent, for one group abuse drives them away from the gender of the abuser, in others it draws them to the same sex. This obviously is a flawed argument.
- The third argument that was put forward is that children who grow up to identify as LGBT are more at risk of abuse in their childhood. The social isolation and exclusion from feeling different creates a state of vulnerability for abuse.
I went into all this because it is a question we all have and the answers we accept can go a long way to determine our acceptance of ourselves and our relation to the world. By virtue of my profession, I have read a lot about the processes of the human body. And one thing that stands out in the human body is that nothing is ever black and white, so to speak. Nothing is ever clear cut. If there is a possibility that anything will go wrong or deviate from the normal, then be sure it can. There are male and female, but there are also children born with organs that cannot be classed as either male or female; there are even women walking about who have male chromosomes. The heart is supposed to be on the left but for some it is located on the right. Take sperm production, as much as 30% of sperm produced by any man are defective, for some it is higher. No man has 100% of his sperm capable of fertilising an egg; that would be an anomaly. Biological systems are never dichotomous, there is usually a spectrum from one end to the other. This is evident and consistent if it is considered how these systems evolve and develop. Even with systems developed to fight diseases in the body, you also find within those systems mechanisms that seem to antagonise the body’s fight against disease.
I mentioned all these to show that the same thing goes for sexuality. It is nature and cannot be black and white; that would be an anomaly in my thinking, because nothing else in nature is. Therefore a majority would have attraction to the opposite sex, but some would naturally be attracted to the same sex.
Most of us would probably be able to identify a child that will grow up to be gay. Yet we know the behaviours they exhibit at those early ages have nothing to do with sexuality because at that age they know nothing of sex. I was listening to a teacher once talking about a pupil who she noticed had some mannerisms. She said she asked herself, “When did Dan (not real name) become gay?” She was obviously enlightened and was talking about a child less than 10 years old who didn’t know what being gay is about. I am not even going to address the issue of homosexuality being a choice because I feel that is a most ignorant position to assume.
No one knows why we are gay, but it is a moot point because we are gay and we are here and can do nothing but live. I however feel it is important for us to know that our presence here follows the natural order of things. We are neither defective nor abnormal and have as much right to be in the world as anyone else. If we understand that, then there should be no argument as to whether we need to come out or not, or whether we need to speak out against homophobia or persecution, or fight for our right to live, love and marry (same sex obviously) as we like and be accorded the same rights as everyone else. We would not adopt the language of the oppressors and feel comfortable in gold-lined closets with diamond chandeliers. And finally it would lead to a lot less arguments amongst us on issues which should naturally be self-evident.
They say we should not come out so that we don’t disturb their perfect world. We have accepted the invisibility and revel in it. The way I see it, until we lose the invisibility, there will be no advancement of gay rights in Nigeria or anywhere else. We will help them perpetuate the myth that homosexuality is a western thing and doesn’t exist in Nigeria. Till they know we are their brothers, uncles, fathers, friends, cousins etc, nothing will change. No messiah will come and change things for us. I heard a presenter on the conservative Fox News network defend gay rights which is almost like a preacher in Nigeria preaching about gay rights. The reason she did that was because her sister and a friend are lesbians. We have been inspired by stories of those who have come out, encouraged by their lives, and I think it is asinine for anyone, gay or straight, to suggest that there is no need to come out. Straight people don’t need to explicitly come out because their reality is the pervading norm, but for us it has to be explicit, a rite of passage of sorts. I feel some of us do not give our friends and family the benefit of the doubt. When I came out to my brother, he actually apologised to me for all the derogatory remarks he made about gay people. Yes, APOLOGISED! Even if we don’t come out, we can arm ourselves with information and respectfully share them on comments on social media and blogs.
I think we should think beyond ourselves and consider the greater good. If we fail to act now, then the young ones coming after will face the same persecution. A lot of the homophobes are even now conceiving gay boys and girls. Some of them already have them in their households and have started chipping away at the psyche of the poor little souls. I observed one little boy who was playing with his cousins, and would rather put on the girls’ head-bands and play with their dolls than play with the boys. His father tried to stop him despite his loud protests, telling him, “You’re a boy, you’re not supposed to play with those things.” I smiled to myself, for I knew the father was fighting a losing battle. We should know that homophobia was sometime rife in the west, but attitudes changed because people were willing to stand up and fight for what they believe in. They were also beaten for being gay, thrown out from their families when they were not financially dependent, but today things have changed for them.
I decided to write this to raise our consciousness because it is evident from a number of comments that for some of us, being gay is something we question, are ambivalent about and not sure of; a passing fancy.
It seems we still feel ashamed of ourselves for being this way and disappointing our parents and families.
It appears we have not given ourselves permission to live life on our own terms and this leads to the tendency to lash out and ridicule those who have actually made that transition.
We still hold dear to the dictates of the religion to which we were raised and value the expectations of society for us.
Ironically, I would like to offer the words of Jesus in considering our attitudes to these norms ‘Sabbath was made for Man, not Man for Sabbath.’ In other words, these laws were made to help us, we were not made to keep these laws and shouldn’t when it fails to recognise our peculiar realities.
Written by Dimkpa
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40 Comments
Mitch
August 27, 06:20Spoken like a true Dimpka. The major problem I’ve discovered with the Nigerian LGBT community is that a lot of us have come to, by our upbringing or choice (I wouldn’t be so bold as to say I know for sure), accept hetero-normativity as the norm in society. We conviniently forget that Orthodox approaches are rapidly being fazed out. Heterodoxity recognizes our otherness because inspite of what we have been taught, NORMAL DOESN’T EXIST! The world is a delicate system of checks and balances; nothing is clear cut as black or white. Until we understand that and come to accept ourselves for who we are, I fear for the future of the LGBT Nigerian.
Mandy
August 27, 06:26First there was Sensei, and then there was Dimkpa. My goodness, you guys are incredible.
Colossus
August 27, 07:24Can I join you in your early morning jog?
Max
August 27, 07:51No, it’s for singles only.. **stern look*
Roman
August 27, 07:48“It is Nature and not in Black and White”…. ???
These are the issues that we need to speak about on a daily basis…. Being born in the wrong country may be true but we live it, so we have to do something about it, no one else will. ?
Max
August 27, 07:49Outstanding.. **hands in the air people**
You echoed my mind & thoughts. Spoken like a true dimkpa. Some of us think they’re smart to lay low and hide under the blanket and thats exactly why homophobia will not end in Nigeria. If you want freedom, you have to take it by yourself. No messiah is going to save you. I’m scared for the future generation because from what I’m seeing, they might just be facing the same demons we did.. And we’re facing those demons because people who lived before us did nothing about it, and here we are, about to make the same mistakes.
Tiercel de Claron
August 27, 10:23Actually,those that lived 2-3 generations before us didn’t battle these demons.They knew and accepted the fact nature don’t draw in bold strokes,but soft blurry lines.
Homophobia,as we have today,is a western import,designed to subdue and keep the African down,and currently exacerbated by fanatical/evangelical religion/churchianity.
Max
August 27, 11:30“Designed to subdue and keep the African down”? That statement right there is flawed.
They exhibit the homophobia on their own, in their own country and not in Africa.
Tiercel de Claron
August 27, 12:09Oh,they have it in their own lands for sure,but I was talking about what they brought here and the main reason they did.
You seem to be falling for that “homosexuality is unafrican,a western thing and our culture is against it” argument the other side always trot out.
Tiercel de Claron
August 27, 12:23Homosexuality was never penalized in ancient Africa.Our native gods never condemned homosexuality and the people accepted it as a normal variant of life.
Nowhere is homosexuality penalized in Igbo Afa mythology,Yoruba Ifa mythology, etc.It is surprising to find out today that the same Africans stand up and scream ‘it is unafrican’ when their ancestors never condemned it.
The sodomy laws,churchianity et al,were just tools to subjugate Africans to levels of submission and lack of reasoning.And Africans have just perfected in the so-called reasoning.
This bit is for those Littles who erroneously believe homophobia is encoded in our DNA rather than something recently acquired.
Tiercel de Claron
August 27, 12:28As for the statement you think flawed Max,can I interest you in reading Leopold II’s Speech Delivered to Missionaries Journeying to the Congo in 1883?.Should prove an interesting read.
Peak
August 27, 13:45Hello Tiecel de Clarion. Correct me if I’m wrong, are u trying to sell that “Africaness” cookie? I thought that was Gad’s thing? Yes homosexuality, tattoos, piercings and a bunch of other things that the modern day African would rather peg as Foreign culture/import than acknowledged that its part of our history, goes way back than we realise. The major problem is that we don’t have reliable archives holding our history and our journey thus far ( I stand corrected if I’m wrong) and accessibility to the available ones is tough to come by.
I read just the leopoldian mandate. Yes a lot of it rings true, but why continue to blame the westerners for all the ills perpetuated by ur own ppl? Yes they brought us “churchianity (I like that word by the way) instead of christianity, they made us forego our ways and adopt theirs, they have spent centuries making us forget our roots . They sold us adulterated goods and we have lived that way for years. I now ask u, why have we taken these adulterated goods, rebrand and made it a must have commodity while stumping out whats left of our history? How many of us in the face of emerging information have taken the time to inquire further and retrace our steps. They sold us homohobia, but somehow they have a lower rate of homophobia than we do. There are good number of college professors who are well vast in african history that are still homophobic. Researchers, psychiatrist, and other professionals who are in the business of dealing with people and making findings into the origin of human phenomenon who are still homophobic. Yes homophobia is fueled majorly by ignorance, religious and cultural belief. A great deal of our parents dont know about their culture beyond the basic taboos talk more of their ancestry and they way they lived ages ago. We are our problem. We have refused to learn and cultivate the art of thinking outside the box. Sorry for derailing from the subject of discourse, but we Africans have a habit of blaming everyone but ourselves for our short comings.
Keredim
August 27, 22:27Well said Peak (milk)????????
The westerners also have less Churches…Infact they convert old church buildings into pubs and flats..
They also protect their homosexuals by law. But Africans? Oh no. Over sabi…
Silver Cat
August 27, 08:01” I smiled to myself, for I knew the father was fighting a losing battle”…U devious little vixen. Come and give me a hug joor!
Kaytee
August 27, 08:09nice… Dimkpa, u said mi mind…. we need to educate ourselves first before we can speak up….so we won’t dig our graves ourselves when we do.
Williams
August 27, 08:59Dimkpa,,,marry me!
Absalom
August 27, 09:04Well thought out, Dimkpa.
Peak
August 27, 10:03“It is nature and cannot be black and white; that would be an anomaly in my thinking, because nothing else in nature is. Therefore a majority would have attraction to the opposite sex, but some would naturally be attracted to the same sex.” ………….Dimkpa! Making sense since time immemorial.
Thank you for taking us back and reminding us of one of the pre-eminent issues that should engage our focus here.
Although I applaud u piece in its entirety and the message of “Acceptance and standing up for ourselves”, I was somewhat disturbed by ur “It seems we still feel ashamed of ourselves for being this way and disappointing our parents and families.” Although it takes nothing away from the brilliance that is this piece (IMO), but I want “us” to keep in mind that the road to self acceptance is a long and tedious one. Some of us are there, a lot of us are on our way. Few will get there eventually (at their pace), while a great deal of us won’t make it at all. Personally I have made considerable progress with myself and I owe a great deal of that progress to this forum. I’m sure I speak for those who are still finding their way that the above assertion didn’t take into consideration that a large proportion of the gay population here in Nigeria, are still finding their road to acceptance, so a that statement is slightly inequitable.
Posh6666
August 27, 11:06Honestly this whole thing just gets really exhausting and overwhelming…Like just really tired of the talk talk,trying to figure it out,the depression sumtimes n the homophobia.Most times i just wish i was just a normal straight thuggish naija boy with that sexiness even sugar mummies couldnt resist or just a pretty girl who could have anything she wanted becos life is so much if u were a girl and a pretty one at that
Max
August 27, 11:33*sigh*
chuck
August 27, 12:27So many sighs. exhibit A, ladies and gentlemen. Anyway transitioning your gender is an option.
posh6666
August 27, 12:41I just said what was on my mind and how i feel or i no longer have that freedom of speech again?Chuck i will really like to advise you to mind ur bizness if u want to live long.If anything i say isnt direct to u warn urself and scroll away hope am understood?
Tiercel de Claron
August 27, 12:47Hey,what’s with the threat?.He only pointed something he doesn’t agree with.
posh6666
August 27, 13:03Exactly what is that?his he the one living my life or does he know me real life to know my story and how i feel?to tell me what to write and how to express my feelings?read again that wasnt a threat its an advise am sure u have heard that saying before mind ur bizness and live longer.
King Mufasa
August 27, 13:39@posh6666 the irony of that handle.
Pink Panther
August 27, 12:42Ok. So you wish you’re all that, posh. But you’re not. You’ve had the number of years in your life to understand that you’re neither a straight thuggish male or a pretty girl. Shouldn’t you step out of that funk and just stop wishing and start existing as you are?
posh6666
August 27, 12:45I will have committed suicide long ago if i wasnt facing my reality.I just stated what was on my mind abi i no longer have such right again?
chuck
August 27, 13:50You have the right to say what you want. Everyone else also has the right to respond.
You should know better than to threaten actions you can’t actually take.
posh6666
August 27, 13:55U r even more stupid than i thought.Its an advise like i clearly stated or u have never heard of such saying in ur life before? It goes “mind ur bizness and live longer”in real life people get their ass whooped for interfering in whats none of their bizness.so next time i speak of sumtin that concerns my own life and feelings learn to mind ur biz and scroll away.
Max
August 27, 16:12**sighs again.**
Chuck
August 27, 16:49I’ll ignore the insults for now. If you do not want us to read and react to your comments do not post them. Otherwise they are open to reaction and reply.
Keredim
August 27, 22:38Posh, how far now? Why are you bringing down the tone of the discussion. Fix your weave and act Posh, Biko ?
posh6666
August 27, 22:44Lmaoooo ok my mentor!am actually at d salon right now fixing my brazillian☺☺☺
Nightwing
August 27, 11:10Awesome!! !
Arabian Princess
August 27, 11:43The conversation on LGBT is one we should have Mainstream
One problem I have is the prevalent “Conversion” of supposed straight guys. I work parttime in the fashion/modelling industry and many models I know to be straight bending seriously as they belong to an escort agency.
Some of my secondary school mates who happen to be the strongest homophobes (they actually publicly outed two of my friends then) are also in the escort agency.
From this arises the question if they are Gay or just for pay. Its real confusing
Khaleesi
August 27, 14:39Wow!!!! I’d much rather revel in the joys of drinking from the fountain of such monumental intellect than have a mind blowing orgasm anyday!! Dimkpa, you are utterly brilliant!!
I have asked, several times on this blog, what is normal? is it the twin or triplet births when clearly the norm is for a woman to birth one child at a time! – which is why our ancestors murdered twins and triplets as an abomination upon the land. Is it the left handed individuals in a world where the majority favor their rights hand. Examples of nature’s imperfect yet beautiful imperfections abound! Nature isnt perfect and yet different doesnt have to mean inferior!
Thanks so much for addressing the utterly stupid and homophobic notion that “coming out is unnecessary” (side eyes Sinnex & Tef-Mushin #TeamUnrepentantlyFoolish) … I am out to a few close person and I have received nothing but warmth and support from them, I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Sadly, Dimkpa as you have come to realise, the bulk of Nigerian gays are deep in the clutches of deeply ingrained internalized homophobia almost as deeply embedded in their psyche and hatred of gays in embedded in the DNA of most Nigerians …
Thanks so much for this great piece! Eziokwu ibu dimkpa!!! daalu!!
Ringlana
August 27, 19:42In Mercy johnson Voice “Dimkpa Nwoke ka ibu”
HalleKara The Elusive chanteuse
August 27, 20:26Dimkpa! oh Dimkpa!
Borninthewrongcounty
August 28, 12:56Dimpka my dear friend, we should all be like you 🙂 What you say applies not just to Nigeria but also to the East African country of my birth. Keep inspiring us.
ifeanyi michael
August 29, 13:16Am comming to terms…. Gotta be a voice