Oh No, It’s Not Gay Sex. It’s “Dude Sex”

Oh No, It’s Not Gay Sex. It’s “Dude Sex”

What is dude sex? And how is it different from gay sex? Let’s find out…

Tony Silva is a researcher at University of Oregon who recently did a study on the growing phenomenon and just published a paper called Bud-Sex: Constructing Normative Masculinity Among Rural Straight Men That Have Sex With Men About It.

According to Silva, dude sex (or “bud-sex”) is when two guys, usually from a rural area and who identify as straight, hook up together in a discreet, NSA sort of way. They have wives. They have kids. They consider themselves to be heterosexual. But they’re also able to compartmentalize sex in a way that allows them to occasionally bump uglies with other guys without complicating anything.

Silver interviewed 19 white, rural, straight-identifying men who say they’ve had dude sex. He found most of them on the pages of Craigslist’s M4M casual encounter ads. All of the guys came from socially conservative and predominant white populations in Missouri, Illinois, Oregon, Washington, or Idaho, and most of them identified as either “exclusively” or “mostly straight,” with a few identifying as “straight but bi, but more straight.”

Silva spoke with them for about an hour and a half each, and what he learned was pretty interesting.

Many of the guys said they engaged in dude sex as a way of “helpin’ a buddy out,” relieving “urges,” or simply experimenting and/or satisfying curiosities without experiencing any sexual attraction for the person with whom they were experimenting.

Silva also found that dude sex guides their “thoughts, tastes, and practices. It provides them with their fundamental sense of self; it structures how they understand the world around them; and it influences how they codify sameness and difference.”

In other words: it helps them scratch a certain curiosity itch while simultaneously reaffirming their heterosexuality because, now that they’ve tried it, they realize that man-on-man sex isn’t for them… Or maybe it is… It’s all about learning and growing as individuals.

One thing Silva noticed was that most of the men were seeking other men like them–straight-identifying, married, etc., etc.

“This is a key element of bud-sex,” he writes in his study. “Partnering with other men similarly privileged on several intersecting axes—gender, race, and sexual identity—allowed the participants to normalize and authenticate their sexual experiences as normatively masculine.”

By hooking up with guys similar to them, Silva noted, many of the men didn’t feel their heterosexual identities were threatened. But having sex with a gay man somehow made them feel more gay. In fact, a handful of subjects said they were turned off by “effeminate faggot type[s]” or “flamin’ queers” who were “too flamboyant.”

“If I wanted someone that acts girlish, I got a wife at home,” one subject said.

“A guy that I would consider more like me, that gets blowjobs from guys every once in a while, doesn’t do it every day,” another subject said. “They’re manly guys, and doing manly stuff, and just happen to have oral sex with men every once in a while. So, that’s why I kinda prefer those types of guys.”

Other reasons the men said they preferred to have dude sex as opposed to gay sex was because it happened quicker and didn’t involved lengthy email exchanges, or they felt there wasn’t the threat of the other man becoming emotionally attached to them.

“I think I identify with them more because that’s kinda, like [how] I feel myself. And bi guys, the same way. We can talk about women, there [have] been times where we’ve watched hetero porn, before we got started or whatever, so I kinda prefer that.”

Other men reported that they enjoyed the friendship part most, and that the sex was just sort of a naturally-occurring afterthought.

“We talk for an hour or so, over coffee,” one guy said. “Then we’ll go get a blowjob and then part our ways.”

“I go on road trips, drink beer, go down to the city [to] look at chicks, go out and eat, shoot pool, I got one friend I hike with,” another guy explained. “It normally leads to sex, but we go out and do activities other than we meet and suck.”

“If my wife’s gone for a weekend,” a third guy said, “I’ll go to his place and spend a night or two with him … We obviously do things other than sex, so, yeah, we go to dinner, go out and go shopping, stuff like that.”

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20 Comments

  1. Mandy
    December 20, 05:49 Reply

    These people need to stop trying to normalize the closet.

    They keep using the same lines over and over to let people know they aren’t like ‘those other gays’. In total denial of themselves. I would say live and let live, but these same guys also vote against equal rights while they remain hidden in the closet and get to benefit from being total hypocrites every time they engage in homosexual sex.

    “In fact, a handful of subjects said they were turned off by ‘effeminate f@ggot types” or “flamin’ queers” who were “too flamboyant.” “If I wanted someone that acts girlish, I got a wife at home,” one subject said.”

    So why not just be with your wife if you are so straight? Why repeat the same masc4masc closet case mantra over and over?

    Just because the guy whose dick they are sucking has a beard and grunts instead of squeal doesn’t make the homosexual sex any less homosexual. They have to like it to do it regurlarly and to go out of their way to choose the homosexual sex over the heterosexual sex they claim is their only true nature. It is definitely more than just getting off.

    • Delle
      December 20, 08:59 Reply

      “Just because the guy whose dick they are sucking has a beard and grunts instead of squeal doesn’t make the homosexual sex any less homosexual.”

      Thank you, Mandy. Thank you! ????

    • Bryann
      December 21, 15:00 Reply

      Your last paragraph says it all…. Thank you Mandy

  2. darkside
    December 20, 06:20 Reply

    Males of earth and their fragile, easily threatened sense of masculinity. This is what happens in a world that fails to recognize the gray areas.

  3. Kenny
    December 20, 07:01 Reply

    Yinmu. Whatever helps them sleep at night.

    Dude sex? ??

  4. Chandler B.
    December 20, 07:44 Reply

    Can’t sex just be sex? All this need to categorize and put things in a box just leaves everyone confused.

    Conversations now go thus:
    X: Yo! Bro, I had sex last weekend.
    Y: Oya gist me, and leave no detail out.
    X: So it was with this guy…
    Y: Nice!!

    And not

    X: Yo! Dude, I had sex last weekend.
    Y: What kind of sex?…
    X: It was with this guy…
    Y: Huh?!
    X: No, it wasn’t gay sex oh. Just ‘dude sex/bud sex’
    Y: Oh. OK. That’s better. So long as it wasn’t gay sex, just sex with a fellow man, you’re good to go.

    Niggur, puuhleeaasee.

  5. Absalom
    December 20, 07:45 Reply

    Ohgod! Please take me out of here – ugh!

  6. .•*Sugaar.•*
    December 20, 08:36 Reply

    Haha and where tha heck do they connect??? gay apps?
    assholes.
    You fuck anus or kiss a man and say shit Bud sex… confused ppl!
    some ppl can’t just still face their very reality of accepting the fact that they are gay!!!
    suck my ass bitches!!!

    Bani wuri don Allah…
    (Hiran bola)

  7. Bain
    December 20, 08:39 Reply

    since you are straight?…. why have sex with a guy!…just find a chick instead…dudesex my ass….I hate guys like these!.

  8. Delle
    December 20, 08:57 Reply

    Crap! Crap!! Crap!!!
    This is just a bundle of well-typed gibberish. Asides the rants of Mugabe, this ranks highest rubbish read on KD.

    A lot of things are wrong with this post. This is such a dumb fight against the homosexuality tag. You want to eat your cake and have it? Have sex with men (most men like these end up having the most raunchy sexual experiences) and still crown yourself heterosexual? Foolish.

    Now, why rural guys? What of urban guys that also engage in this confusion (cos I know stupidity can span that wide)? Is theirs called Pal Sex? ??

    “…identified as either “exclusively” or “mostly straight,” with a few identifying as “straight but bi, but more straight”

    This should be given an award for most idiotic quip ever!

    I don’t even want to start with the illogical insult to effeminate and gay men in general (Who in their infinite ‘wisdom’, were all tagged girly).

    The struggle not to be identified as gay is real. This Silva guy is just brainless alongside all those loafers he sampled.
    Mtcheeeww! ?????

  9. posh666
    December 20, 09:15 Reply

    Hahaha this happens every where.. A friend of mine is currently shagging one confused young man who keeps telling him anytime they are done that it’s not like he’s gay or anything just doing it for fun…

    Yet this mumu will pass the night at my friends house and fuck like three times during the night and just very recently my friend just topped him and gained entry into the promised land almost effortlessly like he has been doing it before.. ..

  10. IBK
    December 20, 14:04 Reply

    I’m hesitant to label this as crap.. Confusing, yes. But there might be some truth to it. Just like a gay guy can have sex with women and still be gay I think straight folks have that liberty too.

    The easiest thing is to not bother yourself about what another person thinks of himself to be honest.

    • Pjay
      December 20, 16:16 Reply

      The difference is that such gay men don’t go: “I’m not bi or straight o. I’m just a gay man who loves to fuck pussy”. You’ll never hear that testimony from a gay man.

      • Jacques Dubois
        December 20, 18:21 Reply

        You’re obviously new to this blog if you’re saying this.

  11. Hilanzok
    December 20, 19:51 Reply

    This is my first time here, formally actually. And I am happy with what I am reading. You all are the best. pertaining the article, I think it’s just one of those ways of justifying unprecedented gay sex. who says Dude sex? WTF is that.

  12. Jazo
    December 21, 13:52 Reply

    All this ostracising of Effeminate guys From Masculine (closeted) gays need to stop. After all, the major reason why we have gay friendly laws And successful Supreme Court rulings these days is because of the Sacrifice they have made and are still making in the altar of acceptance.

  13. Haiku
    December 21, 18:42 Reply

    Gay, straight, bisexual, transgender. I don’t like any of those labels or any label that puts people of a certain sexual orientation in a category. Why can’t it just be “man & woman”? Just a man that likes to be with a man or a woman, or a woman that likes to be with a man or a woman? The labels annoy me.

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