People always leave…
I remember the words ever so clearly now from a TV show I watched a few years back.
People always leave, she’d said.
And I never really understood. That is, until you left, and I only realized many days later. You see, you knew how to make me feel you were still around. You knew how to say those words that’d make my heart skip a thousand beats, make my eyes flutter and the birds in my head sing. You knew how to give me butterflies. That day, as I walked on the road and read your message to me explaining, as you have been doing very frequently these days, why you didn’t reply another one of my messages, which I sent you the night before, I knew, without being told, that things were no longer the same. I realized how ‘busy’ you had become for months now and it was as if the scales fell off at that point. I was walking to where I’d go eat breakfast, and coming to the realization that you had left made me see no need for food anymore: I suddenly wasn’t hungry. All I felt in my tummy was my sunken heart, and it was heavy.
You moved on and you didn’t tell me so I could try move on too. You left me to keep tossing and turning in a hurricane of feelings I thought were mutual. Every night, I slept in doubt, I woke to words of reassurance. Little did I know it was part of your grand plan to let me down gently. It hurt the more to think about it; my slow death in your hands. I’d rather you dealt me a single fatal blow than this slow death by a thousand cuts. Even today, you still tried to reassure me that we were okay. But we aren’t. I know this just as well as you do.
We aren’t ok. We haven’t been for a while.
When we started a few months back, everything I felt then was new to me: the ceaseless smile on my face as the thought of you was always on my mind, my sunny approach to life because I knew I had you. I no longer had my mild anxiety and panic attacks because you had encouraging words for me daily. In just a few months I had forgotten how I used to live before you. Now I don’t know how to go forward or go back.
But I smile as I write this, because one thing I had before you, and still have, is the strength of my resolve to never stay down. My life has been characterized with endless rises from the ashes of depression, confusion, pain, self-esteem/BDD issues, and I have always been able to fight my way back up. This time won’t be any different.
I will rise again. I’ll live and I’ll smile, not so I can show you what you’ve lost, but to remind me that I have been through the fire before and I always heal from the burns. I’ve had to learn to deal with life on life’s terms, and this is just another lesson in living: People always leave, and it’s ok. Lesson learnt.
Written by UC the Misfit (formerly known as Chandler B.), tweets @UC_TheMisfit