I have been celibate ever since my steady lay, Chibuzor, got himself a proper boyfriend. I don’t really think about it, because work keeps me pretty preoccupied and I’ve been working on some personal projects. But the body is not firewood.

Sure, porn and a little hand lotion can relieve the tension, but such behaviour is very addictive and I don’t want to be a slave to bad habits.

But yeah, I bust a nut once in a while. Once in a too often while actually. Lol.

Anyway, Easter was approaching and I’d taken a few extra days off from work to add to the long Easter weekend. I’d decided to take a trip to Calabar to visit the mother and grandmother, and I knew that I couldn’t spend such a long time in Calabar without sampling the local delicacies. (And I’m not talking about food)

I was going to get laid whether the devil likes it or not.

A friend of mine recommended Grindr, since I had no friends in Calabar. It would be a nice easy way to meet new people and maybe get laid. I cringed. I’d heard about Grindr and somehow I wasn’t comfortable with such a sex obsessed site, as many people called it, but hey, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

So I decided to download the app. After everything was set up, the “people near you” page opened, and all I could see were sections of wet/sweaty male torsos, curvy plump backsides artfully poised for the cameras, and some full luscious looking lips. Alright, this looked interesting.

But no, it wasn’t as interesting after all. Here’s why.

1: The people near me were actually not near me at all. I saw guys from Port Harcourt, Abuja and Lagos, and Benin. It took me two days to find anyone in Calabar, and he was a real (forgive my French) BITCH!

2: People used millennia to reply messages. Hello, imbecile, I can see the green online icon beside your unnecessarily provocative display picture. Reply my frigging message forgossake!

3: Grindr was every bit as sex obsessed as everyone claimed. Sure, I signed up to get laid alright, but I could also just make friends too. But many people just wanted “right now” even if the options of “relationship” or “chats” or “networking” were in their profiles. I know this because as soon as I’m chatting with anyone and the person finds out I’m not within shagging distance, the convo ends.

4: So many irritating, obnoxious and egotistical bios were all over the place. What the hell does “Am a manly nigga, feminine bitches stay off” mean? Or, “no pics no convos”? Someone even had the nerve to put this as his bio: “you must have a car, house and a job before you even think of hollering”. I refuse to deal.

Then there were the deadly dull bios and profiles. Some guys be like: “Am a cool guy” or, “Am real” or “Cool and calm”. Erm, excuse me, SO BLOODY WHAT??? Besides, “I’m” not “Am”. How did you pass Common Entrance, man?

There were a few exceptions. Very few. Ok, just two for now anyway. They seem like nice guys, and we chat like warm acquaintances about a number of issues. They both are based in Port Harcourt, so there isn’t any pressure of sex and it’s so cool.

Anyway, my vacation is coming to an end, and I’m still un-laid. I’m considering deleting the Grindr app, as it didn’t carry out its function. Maybe I should just chill. The vacation isn’t over yet. (wink, wink)

Written by Santa Diaba

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