RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 1)

RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 1)

My leave approval came through on the 10th of December and I had never been more excited to see an email (except of course, credit notification emails from GTBank). I was very happy that I could finally put off everything work related till the 7th of January 2015. I didn’t know what to do with myself during the holiday season, as all the members of my inner circle of friends had fled Nigeria (never to return), and the other Macaulay was booked for a family holiday; added to the fact that almost every other person I know was going to Dubai for Christmas. It was down to spending the holidays with my parents or sitting alone in Port Harcourt, and eating bread and nutella on Christmas day. Honestly, I wasn’t looking forward to spending the holidays with my parents, as Mummy Dearest had brought up the big M two times in the last three months. The thought of spending almost two weeks with them began to give me stomach ulcer.

I finally landed in Warri on the 19th of December because someone I grew up with was getting married the following day, and I was a groom’s man. The city of Warri hadn’t changed so much; but the irksome part of it is that I barely have any more friends here, as everybody I was friends with had grown up and moved away. I dreaded the thought of spending the holidays without any friends. Sleeping in my old bedroom was fun though, even though one never grows up in the eyes of (my) parents; imagine being woken up by 5:30am and instructed to go wash the car before they go to morning mass! Like seriously? I don’t even wash my own car. And I’d have to wash the two cars, because they would not decide which one they’d use till they come downstairs. (heavy sigh)

The holiday was going well, until my brother (older than me by four years) suddenly came into town (after he had previously sent a message that he wouldn’t be coming home). Things have always been a bit awkward between us, as he always has a penchant for pointing out which one of my friends “walks funny” and which one “is always flinging his hands when he is talking.” I really would have preferred not to deal with him this holiday season. We were driving out one evening and I was playing Purple Rain in the car, and he went on to point out that Prince (the artiste) is gay. I ignored that. George Michael and Elton John’s Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me came on, he scoffed and I ignored it. When the soulful crooning of Sam Smith (who I’d recently become smitten with) sailed through the tiny speakers, and he said something derogatory, I quietly reminded him that he didn’t have to be in the car with me; there were always other options for him.

That was the last ride we took together till I left.

I went to mass on Christmas day with the whole family. I really do not care about going to church and all that jazz, but I did not have the strength to fight with my Mummy Dearest, so I respected myself and put on a suit and smile. I was seated on the pew, trying to ignore the patronizing look from the crucifix, when I spotted someone I knew at the altar. He was a seminarian when we created our history (that’s all I am saying), and apparently he was now ordained, and was assisting the parish priest. I sought him out after mass to say hello, and immediately, he was eager to meet up “in town sometime.”

I later got into an argument with a friend about not understanding how people can be actively gay and clergy at the same time, that I could not wrap my head around it. I can overlook the gay, self-professed lovers of Christ, but I cannot understand you being a clergyman (not even in a gay church) and still actively be homosexual, despite how clear the church has made its stand on the issue. The Catholic Church, in particular, is very vocal in its opposition to gay rights (which is why I fear for the life of Pope Francis, who is softening on the issue). And do Catholic priests not take a vow abi oath of celibacy? So how do these people sleep at night? I realize I am coming across like I am judging, but isn’t this hypocrisy at the highest level?

Anyway, I declined meeting up with him, and my friend (who is reading this) called me a judgmental prick or something like that. Lol.

Khaleesi often talks about being pressured by the things not happening in your life as a Nigerian Gay Man, and it is so true. Since I returned home, I have attended four weddings and a child christening ceremony. My cousin got married on the 2nd of January, and two other maternal cousins came to see Mummy Dearest with their fiancés (she is something of a matriarch in her family). I had to sit through these awkward introductions with a plastic smile on my face, seeing as they are about the same age as I am. We even went to the village briefly, and all aunties were like, “When are we going to eat rice o?” And I was like, “Very soon, auntie.” Even though I wanted to say, “You will wait a looooooooooooooooooooooong time.” I fear that as I get older, I will stop spending holidays with my family, as those periods will be a constant reminder of who I will never be and the things I will never have. I believe that as life goes on, I’ll be a letdown to them, which is a pity because they are usually extremely proud of me.

My mouth always puts me in trouble, as it often has a mind of its own and lets out exactly the things I do not want to say. I was at a dinner party hosted for the old boys from my secondary school, and someone asked me jokingly, “So when are you getting married?”

I willed my mouth to be shut, but before I could control it, “That’s not one of the things I want to accomplish in life,” came tumbling out of my big mouth. A few people gave me weird looks; some others had the ‘This doesn’t surprise me’ expression on their faces.

Someone then asked, “And kids?”

And my big mouth reacted faster than my self control by saying I did not want any children. The awkward silence that descended on the table could be cut with a knife, and it lasted for what seemed like forever. Someone broke it by asking for the pepper shaker, someone else said the fish was really good, and someone teased the host about his big head.

And just like that, they moved on from my matter.

There and then, it hit me. People will eventually move on from you and your issues when they are tired, and eventually, all will be well.

Have a Happy New Year, guys.

Dennis Macaulay

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101 Comments

  1. Peak
    January 14, 04:24 Reply

    People will always have a reason to question you and whatever that is going on in ur life. I attended a family funtion when I travelled home and a cousin of mine, out of now where just asked “Do u have a girl friend sef? U don’t seem like u ve one because u are always so quiet and composed” I just sat there and gave her a blank stare 4 some minutes to allow me calm down after which I just said “Women can never be satisfied, u are loud and razz? They complain! U are quiet and compose? U might not be able to talk to/handle a girl or just gay. The way naija ppl brain de work taya me.

    • A-non
      January 14, 04:37 Reply

      I like quiet and composed Peak

      • Peak
        January 14, 05:05 Reply

        A-non dearest! Where u been bro?

        @ peak,I am so so sorry, I sent you an email

      • A-non
        January 14, 05:11 Reply

        @Peak, have had quite a bit on my plate recently

    • Dennis Macauley
      January 14, 06:04 Reply

      LOL!

      You never win with (nigerian) people! Dammed if you do, dammed if you dont!

      • Deola
        January 14, 06:21 Reply

        “Damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t, so you might as well just do whatever you want” – Kacey Musgraves, Follow your arrow. Cool record btw.

  2. A-non
    January 14, 04:36 Reply

    Good one Dennis!

    Looking forward to more already…

  3. Ace
    January 14, 04:36 Reply

    I swear people can like to bebelube! Always poking their catarrh oozing noses where e no concern them. That’s how one girl asked me why i don’t chat dirty with her and how i like ignoring sexual questions from her unlike all the boys she knew. She said it is either i am gay or an ignorant virgin. I just ignored as usual and asked her something else.

  4. Ace
    January 14, 04:38 Reply

    And oh! Pinky! I am loving this early posting. Dunno if it is automated time set or you actually wake up to post it. But either way, Thumbs (David Mctintosh erect dick) up to you.

      • A-non
        January 14, 05:14 Reply

        Then my praise, respect and more is what you got Pink…

        Feel into the automated line of thought as Ace did.

        May your strength never wane!

  5. tzobinna
    January 14, 05:13 Reply

    Exactly!
    allthingsthereis.wordpress.com

  6. chestnut
    January 14, 05:34 Reply

    Dennis, ALoba’m!!!! (Are those ur real legs? And why aren’t u wearing any underwear in that pix? Hehehe…)

    • pinkpanthertb
      January 14, 05:42 Reply

      Chestnut has settled on what really caught his attention with this entry of the series, people. Real serious issues he’s brought to light. Lol 🙂

      • chestnut
        January 14, 06:01 Reply

        @Pinky: u know I always try to be very meticulous and thorough when reading an article, so that I don’t miss the gist of it; as an intellectual somebody, I pay attention to important details(such as d ones I’ve pointed out) *adjusts reading glasses and zooms in further*

        • pinkpanthertb
          January 14, 06:03 Reply

          Hahahahahahahahaa!!! Indeed. The details you meticulously point out are the issues that can make or mar our LGBT movement. Kudos

      • Dennis Macauley
        January 14, 06:07 Reply

        Chestnut, don’t let the devil use you!
        Underwear?
        Erm I feel constricted in those things!

        #TeamCommando

      • Peak
        January 14, 06:40 Reply

        @Pink P I am so so so sorry – I sent you an email this morning

  7. Deola
    January 14, 06:10 Reply

    Aaaand we have lift off…
    Cool first entry Dennis.
    That being said, where is Chizzie?? I cannot wait for his arrival!!!! *evil laugh*

  8. Max
    January 14, 06:11 Reply

    Those legs are undeniably Dennis’… And the socks too… We share a common interest.. Now lemme read the story .

  9. Pearle
    January 14, 06:30 Reply

    “There and then, it hit me. People will eventually move on from you and your issues when they are tired, and eventually, all will be well.” This is very true, dusts would always be raised over your matter, people will always seek an undue advantage over you in an unending quest of ‘my cock is bigger than yours’ but time has a way of flushing these dusts right into the drinking pots of their raisers if you let it tell the tale, and even expose their not-so-big chicken of a cock.

  10. Chizzie
    January 14, 06:33 Reply

    right.

    This felt like a 12yr old’s comprehensive eassy on How I Spent My Christmas. For someone who claims they have such an eventful life, your Christmas was really bland and this was in ways such a let down, especially seeing as you’d hoarded this post for weeks.

    pls revert back to old Dennis, the one who’s ‘rich’ imagination would give JK Rowling a run for her money

    • Vhar.
      January 14, 10:21 Reply

      As predicted.

      Get a candy and suck on it.
      You only have one thing you’ll ever have.

      Good looks!

      • Chuck
        January 14, 13:39 Reply

        Isn’t Chizzie fat? So his “good looks” might not be a certainty.

        • pinkpanthertb
          January 14, 14:08 Reply

          No, Dom, he has a fat ass. There’s a difference. 🙂

      • Vhar.
        January 14, 14:01 Reply

        Chuck.

        Now you know the delectable Miss too?
        Ok.

      • Chuck
        January 14, 18:34 Reply

        @vhar, I ran into him on grindr.
        @PP, he seemed pretty thick.

    • gad
      January 14, 12:14 Reply

      Chizzie! Be kind for once. Pls leave that road. Its not a very good one to travel on

    • Ace
      January 14, 12:42 Reply

      Such evil! Shade score 8/10. Chizzie thou art heartless.

    • Max
      January 14, 13:28 Reply

      Hahahaha hahahaha.. I always like having a good laugh while reading your comments .

  11. Chizzie
    January 14, 06:38 Reply

    And if those are really your legs Dennis, you should moisturize more often and maybe increase your food portions

      • Pearle
        January 14, 07:44 Reply

        @PP please if there’s a filter system, certain qualifications or qualities expected from persons who volunteer for the projects on ground which I do not possess, please tell me so I can give up on applying already. Have sent two mails to the address in less than 24hrs and no feedback still.

        • pinkpanthertb
          January 14, 07:55 Reply

          I swear, no mail has dropped in. Not even yesterday when you said you’d resent it. You know what? Send your mail to my personal email pantherptb@yahoo.com

    • Dennis Macauley
      January 14, 07:12 Reply

      Sweetheart this is 2015! Breathe! And let go! I am enjoying my life, you do same!

      Thanks for the moisturizing tip! But you know I am “an unemployed man with a bold 5”, so I can’t afford large portions of food

      **hugs**

      ***running off to iya basira to buy large portions of food***

      • Ace
        January 14, 12:45 Reply

        Nice comeback 7/10.

      • Max
        January 14, 13:29 Reply

        Oh Ace is taking scores, nice… ☺

    • Deola
      January 14, 07:13 Reply

      Hahaha!!! Worth the wait….

    • KyrxxX
      January 14, 07:20 Reply

      Maybe after you had moisturized ur soul with every moisturizer available on earth nd the blood of Jesus he would do same! Obi tara gi mmiri!

    • Khaleesi
      January 14, 15:30 Reply

      LMAO!! Chizzie, its enough joor, you’re starting to sound pathetic …

  12. lluvmua
    January 14, 06:50 Reply

    Lmaoooooo oh dennis u are really silly…. that part about washing too cars (I can totally relate) got me lol nd the when we will eat rice stufff got me rolling on the floor with laughter (those aunts of urs would truly starve lol) nice job D . Can’t wait for episode 2 *grins*

  13. Paul
    January 14, 07:09 Reply

    Ur older brother sure knows about U.
    Bt jst won’t come out plain to U.
    D inuendos r jst too much.
    Some1 once said on this blog dat dt wich we keep so secret from them isn’t new to them anymore. Our family members jst secretly pray n wish ds tins away nt knowing hw we hv all tried d “wishing away pill*
    Nice Read DM.
    I c more journals springing Up here.

  14. KyrxxX
    January 14, 07:15 Reply

    Chizzie, give urself peace of mind biko! Mere onwe gi ebere! Hian! Free Dennis!
    I wouldn’t b surprised if u collapse in Wuse II just bcos of ur hatred! Or is it love in disguise? I know a few ladies who do exactly what you do. They love the bobo but feign hatred! What is wrong with a common pix nd legs! The legs r hot, dark nd toned! U want it to look like Eniola Badmus’.

    Family would always b family, ppl will always b ppl nd dey do what they know best………… Talk!
    Loving d socks Dennis nd I love them commando! Hehehehe!

  15. Absalom
    January 14, 07:44 Reply

    So…Dennis if the seminarian guy had not been clergy you would have met him in town, abi?

    I just want to know for my piece of mind!

      • chestnut
        January 14, 07:53 Reply

        Hahaha! Absalom, why evils nah? For ur peace of mind abi? U people can like to kobalise somebody here! #AlakobaPeople

    • Dennis Macauley
      January 14, 08:00 Reply

      I probably would have! It was the holiday season after all and I was in a town that I knew few people!

      Does this give you peace absie?

      • Peak
        January 14, 09:42 Reply

        *screen grabs the last comment and then highlight The part that reads “Probably”, goes out to look 4 Mrs M while shouting 4 her attention at the top of my lungs*

  16. Max
    January 14, 08:35 Reply

    “As I get older, I won’t want to be spending holidays with my family”. I fear that too. I fear that if they push too much, they’ll push me away.

  17. JArch
    January 14, 09:31 Reply

    I could definitely relate to the never growing up in parents eyes. Even my older brothers (7 & 8years older than I am) do the same thing to me as well. Sometimes all those silly errands they try to send me on will be ignored. When they report me to my dad, I tell him to remind them that am not 13 anymore.

    Good call you didn’t dare fight mummy dearest or else you would have had bread and nutella for lunch, cos you won’t have smelled the Christmas chicken and rice that day hahaha

  18. Pete
    January 14, 10:00 Reply

    Am I the only person who enjoys Chizzie’s barbs?

    • Ace
      January 14, 12:49 Reply

      Lol… errm you are not. Makes two of us.

      • Max
        January 14, 13:32 Reply

        Lol, I do too. Where’s the fun in KD without some vitriol??

  19. Lord II
    January 14, 10:17 Reply

    Dennis nice nice nice…. Hmmm don’t go and give Mrs M a heart ache ooo. But wait so through out the hols no dirty was done?.. ahem!

    • Mr Kassy
      January 14, 11:54 Reply

      Hahhahahaha!Lord u r a mess for this…exactly my thought;Dennis so no grinding throughout the Holidays?????.hmmmm faithful Dennis*goes back in checking out this hot boy that calls himself my brothers friend,dude is cute-sexy with some cakes to die for*.*rimming on my mind*

    • gad
      January 14, 12:23 Reply

      There is something called editing. Among other things it involves leaving out some details that the writer doesn’t want to be made public

  20. Vhar.
    January 14, 10:27 Reply

    Dennis Macauley.
    You didn’t disappoint.

    I waited and I was “blessed”.
    Insight.
    Can’t be compared to that child’s trip to the mall.

    • Ace
      January 14, 12:52 Reply

      Shade Alert!!! Shade Detected. Y’all exit the building to prevent blindness.

  21. dammychoy
    January 14, 10:44 Reply

    Hmmmmmmmm *in Kizito voice * nice entry though !
    First time commenting on here buh chizzie why so much hatred towards Dennis ehn! *goes back to filing my nails. *

  22. Mr Kassy
    January 14, 11:57 Reply

    Good job dennis,don’t mind her royal bitchness Queen Chizzie.*goes back to checking out cakes*

  23. gad
    January 14, 11:59 Reply

    A beautiful debut. Hope to see more of this.

  24. Dom
    January 14, 12:35 Reply

    I know you didn’t pay a model to take that picture and I find myself asking, “those are the ebube-nwagbo legs on a top guy?” And btw, you’re so wrong about the Catholic Church and homosexuality. Your knowledge about that is just plain shallow.
    Plus, not to be overly critical, there’s something here-and-there about the organization of your thoughts. Maybe one strand of story at a time?

    • Paul
      January 14, 12:59 Reply

      #continoo
      I c wat u did there.
      Lwkm

    • Vhar.
      January 14, 13:24 Reply

      Overly critical?

      Here’ what I see as none of my business.
      But.
      A pen and a paper here.

      Write one.
      Your superb train of thoughts would leave us gopsmacked, right?

      • Dom
        January 14, 14:22 Reply

        Because you wrote an i-want-to-be-a-poem? Abeg go and take a long bench!!!

      • Chizzie
        January 14, 14:31 Reply

        lol you forgot to add that the person the poem was written for, clearly doesn’t seem to give a sh*t. @Dom

      • victor
        January 14, 17:05 Reply

        Hahahahahahaahah,dom,easy on the shade please,I just can’t breathe,bwhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaahahahahahaahahahahahaahahahahahaahahahahaahahahahahaahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahahaah

      • Vhar.
        January 14, 18:18 Reply

        Looooool. Oh dear.
        I have taken a bench.
        Its where I’m currently seated while watching you two busy making yourself useful like a White Crayon on White paper.

      • Vhar.
        January 14, 18:42 Reply

        But wait oh..
        That Dom’s shade abt me was truly epic.
        I had better calm my balls down.
        And fast!

      • MacArdry
        January 14, 21:10 Reply

        His comment was directed at Dennis,not you vhar.Mind minding your own business?.
        ‘Sides,you aren’t the only one who can write on here,so stow it.

        • pinkpanthertb
          January 14, 21:16 Reply

          Hey, MacArdry, that was uncalled for. Dennis didn’t deserve Dom’s scathing comment, and yet Dom gave it. Dom wasn’t talking to Vhar, and yet Vhar shaded him.

          And Vhar’s comment has nothing to do with you. And yet, here you are. I think you will find that people say anything and everything to anyone and everyone on KD regularly.

          So chill out. Your antagonism was absolutely unnecessary.

    • Paul
      January 14, 13:25 Reply

      He called it Rantings so U shuld expect tots from many angles.

      • Dom
        January 14, 14:40 Reply

        Mind you, the question mark was of a suggestion. I didn’t say I didn’t like the thoughts, they were just going in many different ways and I feel many interesting ones were cut off just too soon.

    • Paul
      January 14, 14:32 Reply

      Pple r jst wicked on ds blog.
      Hahahahaa
      @ Dom Hw cn u finish our lover boy poet like dat bcos he is showing his voltron skills for DM?
      Do u knw if he is already composing DM’s poem?

    • MacArdry
      January 14, 21:15 Reply

      Apparently,what Dennis know about the Catholic Church and homosexuality can fit on the head of a thimble.
      Nice read though,even if a bit scattered.

  25. Dennis Macauley
    January 14, 14:23 Reply

    So I finally crawl out of a meeting where Internet was jammed and I find out that I have Ebube Nwagbo legs, I need a moisturizer, i have a horrible and disorganized thought pattern, I have very shallow knowledge about the catholic church and homosexuality?

    All this in one day?

    Chai

    Diarisgodoooo!

    Thanks People anyway!

    Erm Max, me and you are gonna have a discussion! I know where to find you!

    • Max
      January 14, 14:35 Reply

      Nna, ogini??
      I’m just having a good laugh biko… Those are needed now more than ever..

    • Paul
      January 14, 14:38 Reply

      Ask James for some tutorials.
      He went tru worse on his first day.

  26. Khaleesi
    January 14, 15:28 Reply

    As usual a great piece DM, you’re friends who fled are wise, they have seen the handwriting on the wall and have wisely taken proactive measures, wish i could summon up the courage and the wisdom to do it as well …
    Like i always say, if you are not outed by what you are DOING, you will likely be eventually outed by what you’re NOT DOING, its only a matter of time and place …
    people might eventually get tired of your issue, though in such a nosy and intrusive atmosphere that would come after a lot of pain and strife …
    Please keep this coming … i cant wait to get more into your mind …

    • Dennis Macauley
      January 14, 16:20 Reply

      Gracias!

      Erm is it just my mind you are interested in?

      #AskingForMyPeaceOfMind

      • Khaleesi
        January 14, 16:41 Reply

        Ermm ***eyes darting around looking for the Mrs** can i feel and see a certain something you talked about once that yoy used to proudly display back in the boarding hauz, that thing that the Mrs describes as being built like a yam tuber***

      • Max
        January 14, 17:23 Reply

        ***sprinkles holy water on khaleesi..
        On another note, check dealdey.com, they have flesh light and different dildo’s/vibrators … They might come in handy for you(for front or back)** looks@you with side eye..

      • Paul
        January 14, 18:09 Reply

        @khalessi u’d b d first to die of Yam poisoning @ ds rate.
        Its either Mrs M gives u plenty of Yam to eat or DM gives u “yam” and u die of….

  27. victor
    January 14, 16:58 Reply

    Its been a longtime I have laughed this hard over some coments, it can never be right to have a mild chizzie, I love u this way and I know dennis understand that its just for fun, no hard feelings (chop knuckle)

  28. Brian Collins
    January 14, 17:46 Reply

    God forbids that my comment today be short, especially on a post this juicy and full of spunk.
    Well it has been established that Chizie can bitch and spew vitriol for Africa and Asia combined. Today’s own came across as childish and spiteful “moisturizer” really? As fresh as those legs are? and the Ebubu-Nwagbo thing killed me. and that Kryxxx sef can shade like crazy. But the mother load of shades was Dom’s shady comment. Blood of God, that shade would eclipse an eclipse of the sun, i was rotflmgao, then i read chizzie’s garnishing and ‘lobatan’ was the first word that crossed my mind. I just couldn’t deal. Anywhere i see Dom now i go dey shiver.
    On the post…… Really enjoyed the read. At least i know it wasn’t only me that didn’t get raunchy over the holidays, except Dennis conveniently skipped that part.
    On the issue of friend and their silly questions (*tapping my marauder’s map saying- I solemnly swear that i am telling the truth* before chizzie will come and say my “rich imagination can give J.K. Rowling a run for her money), just yesterday a friend asked me about my wifez and i told him that i didn’t have any ‘wifez’ and he was like “u dey madt, at this age and stage in life you don’t have a girlfriend?” and i was like “what do you mean age and stage?, i am only 23 years old and a 400 level university undergraduate” and then i added ‘what if i don’t want to have a girlfriend?’ He has not replied that question till now. i’m still waiting on him. With that, i moved away from my lappy screen.

    • iamcoy
      January 14, 19:53 Reply

      Long one.. Good review I think

  29. Django Unchained
    January 14, 23:59 Reply

    @DM, we seem to have everything in common except the pleasing parents part. I always say it without flinching that I never want to get married, or in more subtle terms, “It’s not part of my goals in life”. About the kids part, it’s always whoever bothers to ask, calmly and expressionlessly, I’ll say “I don’t ever need kids”. QED.

  30. Colossus
    January 15, 17:44 Reply

    Good one, nice debut. Looking forward to the next episode. Those multicolored socks though, nice touch

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