My friend’s wife called me last week and said she wanted to talk with me, and for that, she needed my Blackberry pin. I immediately sensed something was wrong; her husband is my good friend and an MGM, and I am very close to the couple and their daughters. She eventually came on BBM and literally opened the book of lamentations on me. As it turns out, my friend has been a mean, insensitive and crappy husband, who no longer had time for her. She unburdened a lot to me, most of which broke my heart to read. I could see how bitter and hurt she was. Now she lives in Abuja with the girls, while her husband stays here in Port Harcourt, and they have been married for about two years, with her working to transfer her service to Port Harcourt (she works at some federal parastatal). However that day, she said she wasn’t sure anymore about moving to PHC, that she was beginning to fear that her husband would become abusive if they lived permanently under the same roof.

I became really concerned at this point and, quite frankly, very angry too.

I called my friend up and started on him. He hemmed and hawed, never outrightly denying any of the allegations his wife had made against him. I told him he was an idiot (amongst other colorful words), that marriage was not by force, but a conscious choice that he made. I mean, how hard is it to be a good husband to a woman, who doesn’t even live in the same place with you? She’s in Abuja with the family, and you’re in Port Harcourt, basically still living the bachelor’s life and fucking boys to your heart’s content? How insensitive can one be?

He went on ahead to say something in the light of that if she was tired being married to him, she was free to walk away.

And then, it hit me. Then I understood what was happening. The wife has had two kids for him, so he was no longer interested in continuing the charade; he no longer wanted to live the ‘life’, so he wants to frustrate her into leaving. This is sad and something I see it with a lot of MGMs; they marry some poor, unsuspecting woman, endure enough to have one or two children, and then begin to instigate problems in the marriage that may lead to a divorce, after which they’d never remarry. I think this is very unfair.

I feel totally sorry for the wife, and guilt eats me up for the role I played in hooking them up. Clearly my friend did not want a wife; he just wanted children, and now that he has them, he is ready to discard the wife. There was no need to harp on the issue with him any longer at this point, but I told him to remember the fury of a scorned woman; when you hurt her, there was no telling how vindictive she could get in her mission to get even. Anyway, God fix them both.

*

Recently, I’d been getting acquainted with this guy, and I was starting to like him. He is funny, witty, smart and all. So I was having my friends over for dinner; we try to have this kind of shindig once in a month – a boys’ night where we gather at someone’s house, eat and drink excessive amounts of alcohol while playing lewd games. This time around, I thought it would be cool to invite this new guy over, and also get him to meet my friends.

I called him up to invite him. He asked me, “How many other guys will be there?”

I said, “Six guys minus myself.”

And he asked, “Are they all gay?”

I started sensing where the conversation was headed, and I knew I was going to be pissed. I replied anyway, “Four of them are gay, the two other are straight, but they don’t give a shit.”

And he said, “I am sorry, I have to decline. I don’t feel comfortable being around gay men.”

I had to muster all the resolve in India and Pakistan not to go off on him. Instead, I calmly asked him why he didn’t feel comfortable amongst gay men, and his response further infuriated me. He said, “Hanging with many gay people all the time will make you begin to immerse yourself in this gay thing too much, so much that when it is time to quit, you will not be able to. At the end of the day, we are African men who will have to marry.”

You should have seen my face at this point. I had to take a few seconds to regularize my breathing, before I began, “It’s funny the way you say ‘gay people’ as if they are some freaks of nature that you are not part of. And it is very hilarious, because at the end of the day, you are a gay man yourself. I won’t bother to argue with you on how twisted you sound, you are after all entitled to whatever it is that you believe. If it helps you sleep better at night, then good for you. This will also be the last time that I will be speaking to you. Have a nice day.”

Strangely, after I hung up, I had a good chuckle over the exchange. He’s thirty-two, and this is how he thinks? I swear, some people’s heads are so messed. And it’s really sad. Like I said the other day, people are entitled to whatever it is that they believe. But homophobia of any sort will never occupy an inch in my life going forward. I won’t stand for it.

*

So, I have this straight guy friend from university, who is unemployed, and knowing what the situation is, I am always ready to help in any way I can. When he said he was coming to Port Harcourt for an interview, I was more than willing to provide him with a place to stay. The dude is actually good-looking, so good looking in fact that some of my friends (hello CK, OJ and BR) act like worshippers of the ground he walks on. I do not find him attractive, as I think him too akpan-y and very cocky.

Anyway, he arrived Port Harcourt, and I picked him up from Waterlines and stopped along the way to buy dinner (my kitchen and I aren’t exactly buddies), before we went home.

After having my bath, I began dealing with some work stuff while he retired to bed, obviously tired from his long road trip. Seeing as I have just one bedroom in my tiny flat, it was apparent we’d have to share a bed. I came in much later to find him perched at one extreme of the bed in his jeans, complete with a belt cinched in at the waist. There was just no chance even for the gay demon to have access to his privates, from the looks of it. Observing him, I became amused and annoyed at the same time. I took a pillow and went to the couch to sleep without saying a word to him.

I knew he planned to stay on for a few days after the interview for a change of scenery, but I was too irked by him to care. So right after the interview, I quietly told him in the evening that he would have to leave the very following day. He was startled and asked if he’d done anything wrong. To which I responded, “It appears you don’t trust me. You don’t feel safe with me, because how else do you explain going to bed with your jeans and belt?” He started to explain, but I cut him off continuing, “Clearly you think I am some beast without self control that will jump on you at night. I know my friends make you feel like Adonis, but dude, you are not that hot. In fact, you are very basic and I want you out of my house by tomorrow.”

Some straight boys amuse me; they always think that being gay means we want to shag them at any and every opportunity. Even the ugly ones! Chai! Khaleesi talks about this glow that gay men have which is lacking in straight men and which makes them more attractive and I couldn’t agree more. Silly straight boys feeling cool with themselves – Mstchew!

*

Finally, are you guys loving the new BBM or what? Message Retract and timed messages be giving me life. I can proceed to flirt all I want and with whomever I want, and when I am done, I clean up the evidence (lol) leaving nothing to blackmail me with. The gods bless RIM for this innovation –

Wait, RIM as in RIM o! Not RIM-RIM as in . . . Oh dear! *flees*

XOXO

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