RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 19)

RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 19)

It was on a Tuesday morning that I saw the email and I instantly became uncomfortable with it. Something about it did not sit right with me. One of my very senior bosses wrote a mail to my direct boss on a particular deal that we were working on with some government agency, and he specifically requested for me to work on the deal. In fact, he wrote in caps: ‘DENNIS SHOULD BE ASSIGNED TO WORK ON THIS PROJECT, AND I BELIEVE THAT HE WILL BRING ABOUT A BREAKTHROUGH.” After sometime, I shook off the uneasy feeling and told myself instead that I was being given more responsibilities, which was an opportunity to prove myself again and maybe snag another promotion.

To be honest, the amount of money involved in this deal and the levels of access to government officials required was higher than my cadre. But if my boss believed I could nail this, then – by God! – I would.

On the day I was supposed to go make the pitch, the senior boss called me from Lagos and gave me the name of the person I should ask for when I get to the government ministry. The project was part of a US government funded programme in partnership with the state government, so I had to meet the project manager and make our pitch and hopefully close the deal.

I arrived at the office and was ushered in to the waiting area. The project manager had just stepped out and would be with me soon, his secretary said. I whipped out my phone and was bugging PP et al, when I heard the high-pitched voice. “Hello, darling… OMG, I love your hair… Send my coffee in…” It sounded like Ross Mathews, only gayer. (Is that even a word? Lol) I looked up and saw this extremely light-skinned, bearded man of middle age. He was talking to one of the workers there, and then he turned to me, said hello and moved on. The man could flame for Africa and Asia combined; I mean, RuPaul had nothing on him, as he sashayed into the inner office, shaking his generous bum.

Eventually I was ushered into the office and I took my seat.

And within minutes of being there, I understood why Mr. Senior Boss specifically chose me to do this.

Now, Mr. Senior Boss is an American and joined my company recently after a merger with another company. I know he knows I’m gay; we were staying at a hotel once for a retreat and he spotted me at the bar with one expat I met on Grindr, who incidentally was staying at the same hotel. (Story for another journal entry) So, I know he knows, but he’d never asked me anything about it. It was so ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.’

Eventually however, I was able to gather that he went to business school in South Africa with this project manager, figured out that the guy was gay, and was now trying to pimp me out in exchange for the deal . . . sort of.

And ever since our first meeting, the project manager has been so unprofessional. Darling, how are you doing today… Dearie, did you get my email… Sweetheart, how’s it going… And all this via whatsapp – I mean, who whatsapps on official business?

Now I am a bit torn and quite frankly very pissed at my boss. How involved would I have to be with the project manager (whom I have no interest in whatsoever…I mean he is forty-something) to get the deal signed, seeing as we are still in the negotiation process? I cannot even confront my boss, because my thinking is all circumstantial. And if I nail this because the project manager wants me, I would feel terrible, like I did not earn it.

What’s a boy gotta do?

*

One of my besties was visiting me. I was glad I’d get distracted from school work a bit and have some fun – Wait, not that kind that you are thinking o. Anyways, on Friday, we hit the town; I’d gotten off work pretty early. We went to Port Harcourt mall to buy some stuff before hitting the bars.

Now, this my friend can catwalk more than Naomi Campbell (lol, seriously), and I really don’t care because he is a very loyal friend to me. Infact many times we have been out in the past, a guy has come on to him, and I ended up eating free lunch or drinking expensive drink as per attaché consine. So, hanging out with him can also have its perks.

Anyway, we were in a clothing store, trying out outrageously expensive clothes which we had no interest in buying (Port Harcourt boutique owners are crazy people), when this very butch girl walked into the store and came straight toward us. I initially thought it was a guy and was thinking say my friend market don sell and I go chop free pizza as always. But then, I looked closely and realized that it was a girl that was approaching us. She came closer and gave us a handshake each, and then turned to my friend and said, “Hello what’s up?” My friend responded warmly. Then she lowered her voice so I wouldn’t hear, and asked him, “TB?” My friend answered in the affirmative, and she loosened up, said hello to me too and started chatting up my friend. Then she said we should come outside and meet her friends, adding that they were new in town and did not know anybody.

We went outside to meet a gang of lesbians. They were about a dozen, a bevy that left me stunned. I don’t mean to be disrespectful to lesbians, but aside from a few of them I know, I could have sworn this lot were all boys – baggy jeans, timberland boots, corn rows, even masculine perfume! There was no iota of femininity in these women, so much so that when I told one of them, “Babes, shift small, a car is coming”, she quickly snapped, “Dude, not Babe. Dude! I’m a guy.” (Lol) We eventually went to have drinks and all, and I was really happy I met them.

They were a mix, mostly athletes, one was a hair dresser (the girly one), one other was a school teacher who taught sports (duh), and a third was a banker. I joked with my friend that some of these women were even more masculine than the both of us combined, and we had a good laugh. The truth is that lesbians have fascinated me for years, and except a few I went to school with, I did not know any lesbians personally. So I was happy to finally make friends that would answer all my questions. I hope to convince one of them to write for Kito Diaries though.

*

I sent someone to buy me some vegetables that I was going to eat at home. (I’m on this 60 days clean-eating challenge which I keep asking myself how I let the fitness trainer at my gym talk me into. In my defense, I was staring at his abs, so I would have agreed to walk to China if he’d asked.

So, I sent someone to buy my vegetables, and the girl went and bought all the wrong things, in spite of the list I gave to her. There was even some mistakes with the pricing, and I got upset and made a mental note to always do something myself if I don’t want mistakes.

I marched to the store in a Khaleesi mood ready to breathe fire on the guy in the vegetables section. However, when he turned to look at me and said ever-so courteously, “Sir, is there a problem?” I turned to jelly. Suddenly my legs could no longer hold me up, the air-conditioned store became hot, and me that prides myself on being very vocal could no longer find my voice.

The guy was FOINE, as in Tyson Beckford, Jude Law and Justin Bieber all rolled into one. He was new there, otherwise I would have noticed him before. Skin the color of caramel, deep hazel eyes like he was wearing colored contacts, and there and then, I lost myself. It took me a few moments to gather what was left of my wits, and I began stuttering my explanation as to why I was there. When he began explaining and apologizing, his voice sounded like a very distant echo, because my focus was on his facial features – eyes, lips, cheekbones, jaw line… iDied! Is this guy Nigerian sef? He looked exotic!

Eventually he sorted out the issue and asked if I wanted anything else. ‘Yes. You,’ I answered under my breath. He started calling out more vegetables they had, and I just kept on nodding. (I simply had no voice) After my folly, I walked away with cauliflower, pomegranate, chia, purple cabbage and a bunch of other stuff I had no idea what they were used for! *sigh*

Before you pick up that gavel, judge me only if you have not checked out a random, hot guy before. Nonsense and condiments!

*

On a final note, I have a question. Suppose (hypothetically of course) you meet a guy on Grindr and you people eventually develop a friendship. Suppose the friendship metamorphoses into something serious and you both want to be together? At what point do you delete the Grindr, or change your username? Again, remember that this is hypothetically speaking. *straight face*

See you guys next week. Do follow on twitter @Dennis_Macaulay

XOXO

DM

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RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 16)

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36 Comments

  1. Mitch
    June 17, 05:50 Reply

    Dennis nwa Macaulay, you can like to worry for Africa. I believe you should change your name to WorryWart! Why should you be bothered over the fact that some flaming queen has taken a liking to you? Relax, mon cher, and finish up your project. Just put your best into it as that will help assuage any feelings of guilt or incompetence you may have.
    *
    On the lesbian issue, one of my besties in school is a lesbisn. Now I act all macho but can sometimes be flaming for Africa. I’ve found that whereas I have to act all straight and macho when I’m with other gay friends, I’m almost always flaming with her. It’s like I’m free to be me when I’m with her. And please, use those your powers of persuasion to get these ladies to write for KD.
    *
    Dude, I’ve gotta say this. Your slut level is rising too fast! Lol. Abeg do and get a man in your life oh so we can have some peace. Haba!
    *
    Got no answer to this one, i’m not a hookup app person.

  2. trystham
    June 17, 05:52 Reply

    At least d queen has to be attracted to or interested in u first. So cool down and be professional still..
    You don’t delete ur apps. Na only sex una dey find go Grindr? Seriously???

  3. simba
    June 17, 05:54 Reply

    Abt the grindr, u both should discuss abt it and if u both are honest and on same footing..it wouldn’t be wahala to delete…afterall Wetin else u looking for?

  4. Mercury
    June 17, 06:26 Reply

    *singing Torn*, sweetheart theres no shame in sleeping your way to the top trust me. And Lesbians are cool, they could be a bit emasculating sometimes but oh well, you were staring @ your trainer’s abs and agreed to a veg crusade, and im supposed to be the slutty one?, you’re lucky I’m not in ph, I’ll come to your house and prepare the best meat feast you’ve ever smelled, steak, sausages, pork e.t.c, i bet your brain will reset.

  5. Sinnex
    June 17, 06:38 Reply

    This one na correct ‘Ranting’.

  6. Jamie
    June 17, 06:41 Reply

    I think it depends on how fast and how good the relationship is progressing… The more quality, the more interesting, the earlier you give up on hook-up.

  7. KryxxX
    June 17, 06:45 Reply

    **Slaps thighs in Iya’s style**

    Hian!

    Dennis onye ntaa akuko!
    Your ashewo no get part two oh!

    All this young shildren u r ogling eh, hmmn! The new law is life imprisonment oh!

    On a more serious note, d project manager shouldn’t be an issue. U r @ an advantage here self! Play ur card well. All work without play makes Dee a dull agadi nwoke! Take this as play-work with a goal! All this marketer gals, dat adjust their boobs nd wear d most micro skirt to go see a client, u think say naa play! Na necessary distraction b4 dey pounce on their prey!

    But for Grindr, that app nd d ppl in it r all shades of annoying! Delete it even b4 u install it self! Mstcheeeeeeew!

    • Diablo
      June 17, 10:08 Reply

      The ppl on Grindr are annoying? You know what’s annoying, when ppl say stuff like that

  8. ronniephoenix
    June 17, 06:54 Reply

    very “RANTING” by dennis.
    I love lesbos,
    #feelingcrazytoday

  9. handle
    June 17, 06:57 Reply

    When you realize you want something more with the other person.

  10. Absalom
    June 17, 07:27 Reply

    Why would anyone delete a hookup app because they (may) have found something serious?

    #PeaceOfMind

    • chestnut
      June 17, 08:10 Reply

      Absie,that never made any type of sense to me o! Cos relationships won’t last forever (let’s be real) and (for me), going thru d stress of re-installing or opening a new account/profile/bio-data,blah, blah, blah isn’t fun biko! If I’m in a relationship,I simply don’t visit the sites,as simple as that (and most times,a partner that wants u to delete ur account, won’t delete his…or will keep d ones u don’t know about).

      • Call me Morgana
        June 18, 04:54 Reply

        I need me some Caityln Jenner. Any help?
        Ronnie, are you one? *Looking for trouble*

  11. ruby
    June 17, 08:01 Reply

    Awwwwwww D!
    If u ask me, I’d say your boss simply wants you to be the pawn in closing the deal.
    I know quite a few Lesbians and they range from d Butch to Athletic to Girly.
    Then again if you ain’t comfortable with the grindr acquaintance no more, DELETE, DELETED, DELETION…

  12. posh6666
    June 17, 08:16 Reply

    At the begining i never liked u Dennis but ur post is atm one of my best am always looking forward to.You do have an interesting life and so glad u have toned down always telling us how fabulous ur life is and left out the unnecesary infos.About the flaming queen ur boss set u up with,haba y do u human always prefer d hard way out?fate provided a way out for u and u are here taking it personal.You worked hard to get to where u, are hasnt life n hustle been hard enough?so what if u get an easier way out why dont u just use it to ur advantage n snag d damn job?as the saying goes shit money no dey smell.Better do d needed to get to where u want to be in life n leave d stories of ur conscience ko kan aye!

    • Dennis Macaulay
      June 17, 08:49 Reply

      But wait oh

      How fabulous my life is?

      Unnecessary info?

      You may have the wrong guy ooo! You need to find your way to mushin! Na there dat kain thing dey happen

  13. Nelo
    June 17, 08:25 Reply

    When Chizzie complained about dis posts & how most of d things & occurrence in it are just fabricated & been made up made, we all went bananas on him. Now I’m beginning to see why he believed so.I mean seriously, how much drama can one dude witness or go thru just within 7days???…just too much to be true #justsaying…was a nice read btw

    • JaneTheVirgin
      June 17, 09:05 Reply

      @Nelo, its a random ranting not ‘how i spent the last 7days’, so he can always incorporate stuffs that happened weeks or months ago. Its that simple.

      • Deola
        June 17, 10:33 Reply

        Oh hell naw, Jane the virgin?
        wetin you dey find here? Your pikin is missing oh!

      • JaneTheVirgin
        June 17, 12:01 Reply

        Deola, Sin Rostro is a biacth, she stole my precious baby… Lol.

    • pinkpanthertb
      June 17, 10:50 Reply

      Nelo, how is it you’ve read all 19 entries of Dennis’ Rantings, and decided that the drama of each entry occurred in the week before it?

  14. Nelo
    June 17, 08:41 Reply

    @keredim Nah, dat b*tch was bitter.I ain’t nothing like him!

  15. Dennis Macaulay
    June 17, 08:47 Reply

    Now these things dont always happen weekly! Actually I have a digital note pad on my phone, so whenever something happens I note it down and sometimes it can go weeks before it makes a journal entry.

    I am also curious when people say its fiction, if you have a work life, an active social life and a family life then interesting, crazy and hilarious things will happen to you constantly only if you decide to ignore them. Except ofcourse one lives on the couch daily watching porno and wanking all day, then they wont be able to relate!

    **kiss**

  16. Ueze.
    June 17, 09:48 Reply

    Hypothetically,
    How much of an ish
    Would the project manager be
    If he were Bello, the bae Korede?

  17. ruby
    June 17, 10:27 Reply

    If you ask me Diablo, I’d say you should refrain from grindr so you don’t get burned
    #myhonestopinion

  18. JArch
    June 17, 11:48 Reply

    So because it’s not Dammy Crane or KB that’s flaming at you, you’re vexing like hot Quaker oats… Na wa for you ooo…

    When was it a crime for one to take an easy option up the corporate ladder. Screw him well and get that cheddar mbok. Abi have you forgotten that husband price for KB these days have skyrocketed.

    You’re just a hoe-stumer, shey you know… I still remember last year when Max bought fuel simply because of one of the attendants at the fuel station was smoking hot and when Pinky decided to become a shareholder at KFC close to his office for the same reason…. Jesus be a fence

    Deleting ones profile at this stage in the relationship is not advised. Give or take a year before you do that what’s the rush anyway? Few months down then line you might discover he’s bipolar or something worse. Chill abeg

  19. Max
    June 17, 17:27 Reply

    bitch has been busy tryna make money.. *sighs*

  20. Khaleesi
    June 17, 17:32 Reply

    Nice Piece D!! You owe no one any apologies if your life is fab and theirs is drab!!
    Lesbians freak me out (no offence meant), i guess its cos most of the ones i know are considerably more masculine than I am ..
    You should delete your hookup apps when you feel that the relationship has reached an advanced level of maturity, and you’ve both laid down some ground rules.

    • Max
      June 17, 17:44 Reply

      they freak me out too. They can be domineering to an annoying extent. Its just like gay people are more girly than girls(super girls), the lesbians are more macho than ordinary men.

  21. Gad
    June 18, 02:10 Reply

    If the recommendation was based on past performance,its welcome but I will consider it disrespectful if one is used as a bait to seal a deal.Except you slept your way to get the job and the promotions you had,I see no reason to be excited about but since the intention of the recommending boss is speculative,I will advice you give the task your best,professionally.Ditto for when its confirmed otherwise.Whats even the guarantee that the white chicken will seal the deal if you date him?Being used and dumped just came to mind.Will this boss use a fellow oyibo man as a sexual bait? I want to believe that you got the job/promotions owing to your abilities and not your dickability or seduction prowess.

  22. wondabuoy
    June 18, 14:14 Reply

    I hope you realize that you have to be online to know if he’s online or not. What if he’s doing the same thing?

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