RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 20)

RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 20)

Today I will be talking about one issue only which has been on my mind for a while and which has formed the crux of many arguments I have had with my friends.

I grew up with many boys – nine boys in total – because daddy had a few sons and took in every stray relative who needed a place to stay. Growing up was always noisy and androgen-filled. And then, as we hit puberty, I started going out with my plenty brothers and we began testing the waters of our raging heterosexual hormones. And all the while, I kept my budding awareness that I liked boys a secret, well and truly hidden by the strength of my mortification.

I eventually lost my virginity to our house help. Her name was Ogonna. I was about fifteen, she was twenty. I had seen a few porno movies in VCR (is that still around?) so I experimented with what I’d seen with her. The first attempt was a disaster, and I came in less than two minutes. *covers face*

Eventually we started having sex regularly after everyone went to sleep. And then, Mommy found out (Actually I was not the only one giving it to her; in a house of ten boys… Go figure), and she was sent home.

I went on to lose my second virginity (is that even a phrase?) to a guy when I was nineteen. The experience was electrical, like an explosion in my brain. And I haven’t looked back since.

All the while I spent growing up and hanging with my brothers, I had to play the role of a straight man. I drank things with them, smoked things with them, and we all had girlfriends (some of which we swapped amongst ourselves). And all this time, I was painfully aware that I was gay. I knew I loved men and I had crushes on my brothers’ friends. But I had to hide it. I did not hate women. But I did like them or pursue them either. I’d always been indifferent to them; if there was free pussy on the offing, I’d have some. But I would never go in pursuit of it. Till date, I have never had to ask a girl out, as somehow, there’s always a girl around – my brother’s girlfriend’s friends, classmates and recently colleagues. Women fascinated me. I loved the feeling of making a girl cum, while she writhed like a snake and moaned like a toad (lol). But they did not give me much pleasure.

On the other hand however, men drove me crazy.

I went into university, and of course, worked on desperately concealing my sexuality. I played the campus-boy-about-town to the hilt. I had girlfriends I had sex with on the regular. And even though I hooked up with guys, I simply never dated anyone. I mean, I needed to be able to quit homosexuality when I wanted to, right?

Deep down, I knew I was a lie. It was all a lie. But when you are at that age, you are often paranoid about people knowing you are gay. So I tried to do a good job of concealing who I was, and I became a terrible human being for it. (For all my efforts, I still failed at concealing my homosexuality… Story for another day)

I was twenty-five when I decided I was done with women. I felt like I was sleeping with girls to assure myself that I could ditch my homosexuality whenever I wanted, and so that people would not suspect me. I made sure women visited me often so that neighbors would not suspect me. But then, I was done. The charade was exhausting. I stopped dating women, I started curving those that came on to me, and I actively indulged my homosexuality. I began living on my terms and growing into my own. I crawled out of internalized homophobia and began to accept myself as a gay man. I started endeavouring to live happy. And life, for all intents and purposes, became great.

Why is Dennis Macaulay taking this exhaustive walk down memory lane? some of you may ask. Patience, please.

I was arguing with a few close pals of mine recently and they were telling me that my decision to stay single was very foolish and borne out of selfishness. I agreed with them that it was selfish. I added that if my life were a movie, I would certainly be the director. I would never ever outsource that. One of them then snarked at me, saying that I was bisexual sef, so he “doesn’t even see why I carry this gay matter for head, you been dey fuck pussy na.” I go way back with the person who said this, so he actually knows me very well. I wanted to argue with him that I wasn’t bisexual, but I kept mute and listened while they marshaled out reasons why I should get married. And slowly, my mind drifted away.

Recently I started developing interest in women again. Not a sexual interest; it was more like another wave of curiosity. I would look at women the way an art aficionado would look at a painting – with curious admiration and taking in details about them that other people did not see. I still managed to convince myself that it was not sexual attraction but curiosity, and that it does not affect whether I identify as gay because I am still a gay man.

Last Friday however, I had sex with a girl, nearly four years after vowing never to do so again. It was someone’s birthday and we went to a bar in a group. She came and joined us, and her perfume smelt like fresh lemons. We hit up a club afterwards, and when I wanted to leave, with the excuse that my estate gates are locked at midnight, this girl seized my keys and said, “Worst case, you crash at my place.” I relaxed and danced the night away with her. When we got to her place, I realized there was no couch to crash on; she lived in a self-contained room. So I joined her on the bed, and the rest is history.

So here are the issues I’ve been pondering on. I ask myself questions and I give myself reassurances. I wonder if I am a bisexual man. Then, I maintain that I am a gay man – the type who doesn’t hate women but doesn’t like them either (does that make sense to you?). I don’t have anything against bisexuals please, except that many of them can become condescending and claim not o understand why some gay men cannot sleep with women. Other than that, I don’t have issues with bisexuals. But when I wonder if I identify as bisexual, I remember that I like boys way too much. I like nyash, I like preek, and – oh, yes, I like Korede Bello too.

See you guys next week.

XOXO

DM

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110 Comments

  1. Dubem
    June 24, 05:40 Reply

    Ok, this is, to me, your most powerful entry yet, Dennis. The vulnerability of the narrative is what got to me. You stripped yourself in a way that only James is known for doing, and therein lies the power of the entry for me.
    So you are encountering a sexual identity crisis, huh? Who’d know? To me, you have always seemed so self-assured in your identity as a gay man. There are a bunch of you here on KD who fill me with that much admiration at your secured status. To have you admit to these up-and-down emotions… Well, just live your life one day at a time, and still never outsource the directing of your life to anyone. That’s what’s important – that in anything you’re going through, you have a handle on it and that you are behind the steering wheel, doing what you can to sort yourself out.
    Kudos DM.

    • virgin Morgana
      June 24, 10:40 Reply

      Jane my sister-in-law, Did you see what I SAWED? DM is embracing a new identity small small. How I would like to give you a hug DM. Your rants made me see myself in you. Oh yeah, there is this feeling that I have an elder twin brother put there sharing the same fate as myself. I experience same things as you do, same character and all, and about the girl stuff, they are as real as whatever one might consider real.

      I advice you live your life one day at a time as Dubem suggested. You never can tell. How wonderful to be a bisexual in a homophobic setting. It’s just like having a plan B. So, if I were you, I would park my weavon and get along with the programme. Love you scatter DM.

      @Pink panther. *winks*

  2. Mitch
    June 24, 05:49 Reply

    If what you feel towards ladies is nothing but plain indifference, then I’m afraid – in my opinion – that you’re objectifying ladies by having sex with them. Treating ladies as sex objects is very wrong. They are not some creatures to sate your conscience over your bisexuality. For a self-acclaimed high-level feminist, this article reeked of misogyny!

    • JamesJemima
      June 24, 06:57 Reply

      Hehehe.. Treating ladies as sex objects is wrong uhn? Why ladies in particular? Why not just “treating people”. I see nothing wrong with what Dennis did with his recent sexcapade. He just had a good time and apparently the girl did too. It wasn’t to prove his bisexuality.. Unless I’m missing something of course. And I think DM doesn’t have indifference to females.. He might not be as hot for them as guys but the attraction is there.. Errr right, DM?

  3. Jamie
    June 24, 06:11 Reply

    I guess you’re gonna conclude somehow, with time…

  4. kacee
    June 24, 06:41 Reply

    *jumping on my heels*lol, nice one DM. #Muah *spreading kisses all over ur cute face* lol (FYI in bisexuality some bi prefer a particular gender than the other gender #myopinion…

    • trystham
      June 24, 09:24 Reply

      Hmmmm. So, I like men, women, dogs and I’ve even gotten a boner for certain flowers once or twi.I,m multisexual but I prefer men more. *RME

  5. Oluwadamilare Okoro
    June 24, 06:44 Reply

    This sounded so much like me… but it wasn’t brothers in my case, it was friends.

    For me, I never claim to be bisexual; just because I can get it up for ladies doesn’t mean I enjoy it…

    … isn’t it the same argument/issue some people usually have with MGMs… saying that just because they are married (maybe with kid(s)) doesn’t make them bisexual.

    Like we all know… this thing is highly complicated.

  6. Max
    June 24, 06:51 Reply

    #Dennis, my opinion changed through the course of reading this. Half way through this, I was sure I wanted to give you an applause, but then the “having sex with a girl came in”. Now I don’t know whether to applaud you or slap the living daylight out of you.
    Keep your egg plant in your pants.
    Thats all I have to say for now.

  7. Francis
    June 24, 07:39 Reply

    @Keredim Hmmm, this Sunday you pipu keep referring to. E be like say I gats surf through the comment section well well to see what mess went down.

  8. Khristopher B!
    June 24, 07:55 Reply

    The truth remains that sexuality is fluid, saying you’re gay or bisexual is more or less putting yourself in sexual identity boxes. I sometimes envy guys like you. I have a bevy of girls around and can have sex any minute I choose, yet I feel zero attraction towards them. It can be quite unnerving. Some of my gay friends who go both ways believe that I should try being erotic with the ladies and my “john-Thomas” will definitely stand at attention and play along. Every other week we go out to party chicks give out lap dances, but this guy is barely moved. One day sha.

  9. posh6666
    June 24, 08:00 Reply

    D same Dennis dat always keeps telling us his never getting married and will live in a house filled with dogs actually fucks girls???for some reasons i feel u have been really shady and hypocritical.So u can easily get turned on by a girl like this yet u cant stop waving ur am super gay flag and will never get married campaign?pls n pls this is a real issue for some of us who r actually fully gay like a mockery of some sort.Dennis u are bisexual so stop misleading d house.

    • posh6666
      June 24, 08:07 Reply

      That means theres definitely a possibility of u actually getting married to a lady later in future and even having kids.Some1 said it sumtimes ago in here that u may later in life change ur perspectivw about not having kids yet u refuted it vehemently.If u can actually make love to a woman den dat means a mistake can happen and she gets pregnant which am sure u wont tell her to abort.So pls stop giving us dis crap of am never getting married,am never getting married.You Dennis is a confused soul which u should have stated right frm d onset some people were actually looking upto u as a source of strenght to take a firm decision about living happy,honest and doing what will ensure life long happiness.You are a fraud abeg

      • Francis
        June 24, 08:15 Reply

        Hmmm, DM e be like say you don disappoint your followers big time. I so wouldn’t want to be in your shoes right now. But then again @posh6666 do please realize that we are humans and we learn everyday. Things change. At least I know I have since joining this Community (KD blog). Take am easy abeg

      • sinnex
        June 24, 09:10 Reply

        Aboki, why are you crying more than the bereaved? Na so e pain you reach?

      • Gad
        June 24, 12:26 Reply

        Hahaha. Posh, my hymn book says ” the arm of flesh will fail you,you dare not trust your own arm”. DM hasn’t deceived you. I hope I’m not sounding like a P.A? Hate it

    • Gad
      June 24, 12:22 Reply

      Posh, I don’t see the reason why you are reacting like this. Today’s outing is far from a rant neither was it loaded with coincidences. There comes a time in a man’s life when he decides to look at things from another angle or give some attention to somethings that he has ignored for a very long time. I don’t see this as a mockery to anyone rather I’m happy with this post because many silent and struggling readers might find some answers they seek. Well done DM. Calm down Posh.

    • Khaleesi
      June 24, 13:48 Reply

      Hi Posh, life is a personal journey, we must each of us make our own separate way in life; even as we look onto role models and mentors for inspiration … You need to find your own identity and spend time and effort claiming it as yours and then sticking to it steadfastly, so long as it remains your identity … Sexuality is fluid and often in a state of flux …

      • posh6666
        June 24, 13:53 Reply

        Tnx dear.Obviously things aint always like they seem.

  10. Peak
    June 24, 08:02 Reply

    Dennis! Like dubem said, this is by far the most moving entry. I think it spurs that feeling from having a combined effect of being stripped down and you having always come across as one of the most secured people here, who have attained the height of certainty and acceptance that some of us could only dream of .
    I could relate with the trying to blend in part or not really certain about what box you fit into. I don’t fly the bisexual card, cos to be honest, I’m don’t know. The funny thing is that last night, during a phone conversation, a friend asked me, what I felt when I was still with my girlfriend, and it occured to me that it is more of a sense than concrete feelings. I personally feel that being with a woman (the right woman) grows on you, women can be fascinating (when you remove the nagging and drama) like you said, it like observing and appreciating a work of art. I feel responsible, I feel like I have certain expectations to live upto, a mould or structure thatni ve to fit into, I’m more tamed and composed. I’m more patient and reflective. like I have this sense of being responsible for someone and she looks up to me for a number of things. A protector and a listening ear, I feel bigger, the sex is good but predictable.
    With men, its more instant, unrehearsed, I dont have to walk around with fear that I will break you like you would feel with women because of their delicate nature, so in ur head you handle them like figurines or like an egg. With men you are bold and you can push the sexual boundaries and try almost anything without second guessing urself or ashamed about what you want in bed or what role u want to assume, everything goes, you are wild and free, you can be urself or anyone you want to be. That is where the difference lays. Thats why a lot of ppl dont take bisexuality serious be cause in all honest, you can’t be attracted to both sexes equally. I feel more at home with men, no expectation. I can say or do anything I want without being worried about appropriateness. It has the allurement of complete freedom
    So dear DM, its nice to know that you are human after all, and you have questions and doubts like the rest of us. Brilliant Brilliant read.

    • keredim
      June 24, 09:17 Reply

      Hi Peak, you know you can push the “sexual boundaries” with a woman who is not bound by how society dictates how she should behave sexually in the bedroom (or in the kitchen, in the car or in the back row of the cinema). A free thinking woman.

      So you can be yourself, you can be bold, you can be wild and free with the right woman that suits your sexual needs.

      IF that is one of your criteria for being with guys, you might want to explore finding the right woman.

    • Peak
      June 24, 09:35 Reply

      @Keredim, what are the chances of a regular guy running to a woman like that? The average girl u meet these day is more preoccupied with trying with trying to be a “wife materal” and is overly pretentious with you from the way she talk down to sex. Lets not forget that you and I live I two polarised society.

      I totally get where you are coming from, but a typical nigerian girl/woman won’t be here for anything remotely near an SnM, 3some or even toys sef. Some girls will even tell you that anything outside “Mama & Papa style, you should count them out. I was trying to describe the average sexual feeling

    • Peak
      June 24, 11:52 Reply

      @ keredim, Reason ke? Nna I’m I like men! I’m attracted to men! I like men cos I’m wired that way at least that much i have figured and established. Make no mistake dear friend, I’m not Implying that I ve sex with men cos of sexual freedom but cos I prefer men compared to women.

      • Peak
        June 24, 13:51 Reply

        Keredim I see wetin u do there, but CUNTinu

  11. Ueze.
    June 24, 08:17 Reply

    Does it have to be named?
    Does everything have to be named?

  12. Dennis Macaulay
    June 24, 09:03 Reply

    Okay I wasnt going to say anything today, I was going to observe and keep mute but it appears I am being turned into something I am not.

    For all intents and purposes (sorry Caitlyn) I am not a bisexual man, I am a gay man. Nothing has changed about me, I just wanted to share something very personal today and it appears I may have stripped myself too bare!

    I am the still the guy I have always been, that I had sex with a woman after 4 years of staying away doesnt make me a fraud, or a betrayer or whatever it is I have been called. On this blog we had talked about the spectrum of human sexuality, so I am quite surprised at some comments I am reading.

    I still refuse to get married to a woman, sexuality goes beyond being able to give it to her, I will not be able to love a woman in the way a man should love his wife and I know I will not give up on men so I refuse to become the married man who chases young boys across town. I intend to remain single and I still dont want kids.

    This is not about judging me, I merely told my story about something that happened. I am not transitioning into bisexuality (side eyeing PP and Max) and I am not saying that all gay men should metamorphose into bisexuals at some point (throws stonez at Max).

    Again I repeat FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES I AM A GAY MAN

    • QueerMike
      June 24, 09:58 Reply

      **munching popcorn**
      People be feeling that they correctly know all about someone’s life since 18KD. So the fact that I can fuck a pussy means I’m bisexual???

    • Tiercel de Claron
      June 24, 10:02 Reply

      If memory serves right,you were one of those as led the charge against bisexuals and married gay men on this board,albeit a bit more indirectly than some others.All that spouting off about remaining true to oneself,one’s sexuality,resisting any form of peer or societal pressure to conform or appear to conform,something it turns out you are/have been guilty of.Smacks of hypocrisy,and that’s what disappoint your followers.
      Not saying you’re wrong in shoring up their courage or give them somewhat a standard to look up to,you ken.

    • sensei
      June 24, 10:40 Reply

      Oga, I respect you and your perspective, I want to point out something. Don’t be trapped in a cage of your own creation. If you decide to become another DM tomorrow, FEEL FREE. You owe nobody an explanation. You didn’t say you were transitioning into a bisexual. But if you did, IT’S FINE, sir. You didn’t say all gay men should metamorphose into bisexuals. Is it even possible? Why would anyone think that?

  13. Diablo
    June 24, 09:07 Reply

    Well i fantasize abt boobs every now and then…and vagina sometimes might look alluring. I also wouldn’t mind and on a few occasions have gone down on a girl before. And i enjoy straight porn – mostly cunnilingus inclined. But i still identity as a gay guy. Girls i see as just a fleeting sex urge. I’ve had sex with girls before but ive never had a girlfriend. For the most part i identify as gay. I love boys and ass and im happiest when I’m in btwn his arms on his legs. Our identity et al is really just a state of mind. (Rachel Dolezal anyone? ) If in your innermost conviction you identify as gay….then you probably are. That’s why a male can identify as female and as we have seen recently., a Caucasian identifying as Black. What defines us is what we feel we are.

  14. sinnex
    June 24, 09:14 Reply

    Another one bites the dust. At least, we have one less member of the ‘lip stick’ gang to worry about.

      • Sinnex
        June 24, 11:16 Reply

        That’s for me to know and for you to find out.

    • Khaleesi
      June 24, 14:17 Reply

      @Sinnex, you’re a pioneering member of #TeamConstantlyFoolish … fly the flag higher and higher … #Idiat

  15. sensei
    June 24, 09:17 Reply

    DM disappointed many of you because he had sex with a girl and that makes me very happy. DM has inadvertently (via this post) made a major contribution to the destruction of stereotypes in our minds. Remember there was a type when there was no color television. TV was in black and white. Humanity as a whole currently suffers from a diseased perception. We do not see the world as it really is and everything has got to be in black and white. Tragically, we are like a man who is color blind and goes about thinking he is the only NORMAL person and believing arrogantly that those who DO NOT SEE THE WORLD AS HE SEES IT are not only abnormal but should be hated. Sometimes we (humans) have killed people because their mere existence threatens our myopic understanding of the universe. It is the hatred for things and people that do not fit into your own understanding and categorization of the world that has led to many wars, racism, ethnic cleansing and yes HOMOPHOBIC. And the real tragedy for me here is that the “rainbow people” suffer from the same diseased perception and are unable to see the world in COLOR. its a shame!

    Life is a journey in self discovery. That is the beauty of a human life. we never stop learning about ourselves and the world. we make appraisals of the ourselves, of people and of the universe and sometimes they are WRONG. We once believed that the sun rotated round the earth! That is what makes us human. we learn, sometimes we make mistakes and learn some more and upgrade our knowledge. It perfectly normal to live our lives and human beings. It is this flexibility and fluidity of our make up that makes us UNIQUE organisms. Sadly, many of us see it as a flaw. Things should be set in stone. Things should be either black or white. Sorry, Sir. If you want things to be FIXED, then you better DEVOLVE into a lower life form. Because the higher evolved an organism, the more fluid and flexible. That is just how it is. Accept it or relocate to your personal universe where everything will be in black in white.

    Tragic again, that we cannot distinguish our heroes from traitors. DM allowed himself to question his own ideas, no matter how strongly he held on to them in the past. Is he confused? Even if he is, that is ALRIGHT. Confusion has to HAPPEN before CONCLUSION. It is a stage in the learning process. It is dumb to want to crucify a person for being a leraning being. Dennis didnt have to write this. But he did. He chose to be vulnerable to all of you, knowing that many have weaponized, venom-tipped tongues. You think this is easy? why dont you give it a try? It takes COURAGE to allow yourself to be vulnerable to people, courage and brutal honesty to question everything even your own strongly held beliefs, intelligence to be fluid and flexible.

    abeg i dont get it. So if DM CAN sleep with a girl, he shoudlnt? why? to please who? Abeg let’s not act like this sexuality thing is some sort of cult. It is even possible that many people screaming that they are exclusively gay here are really BISEXUAL.

    dont crufify DM. celebrate and emulate him.

    • sinnex
      June 24, 09:25 Reply

      This is one hell of a LONG epistle

      • Gad
        June 24, 13:19 Reply

        A long epistle but loaded with golden and useful words. Worthy of applause by all men of goodwill. Even bitter sadists can’t fault those wise and honest words.

    • Peak
      June 24, 10:13 Reply

      Bubba u came through as always. There is always a loud campaign about keeping an open mind, telling ur story without shame or fear on this platform. Its beginning to look like we prefer a Hollywood type of version of events than facing real life and taking on real issues. Substituting things that matters with make believes.

      • Tiercel de Claron
        June 24, 10:27 Reply

        Ah,good morning Peak.
        When we first warned about the dangers of the single story,narrow and straightjacketed worldview on this board,especially as it might affect the impressionable,what was it you called us again?.
        Ah yes,troublemaker.
        Once again,good morning.

      • Peak
        June 24, 10:57 Reply

        Good morning my trouble loving friend.

        By “us”, I’m sure you mean ur good self right? If memory serves me right, you were referred to as a “troublemaker” because you expressed ur dissatisfaction for the “kumbaya” state of things on KD at the time and felt the atmosphere is more inhabitable for you when things are hot and heavy.

        Its funny how u ve never made any efficacious contributions on so many issues raised on KD since ur debut as a commenter, but always seen walking around with ur big wooden spoon steering the pot of chaos while pointing accusing fingers at others for the same crime. You had a chance to establish a reputation for yourself by taking on one of KD’s finest (Absalom) on sunday, but chose to run in the other direction, since fishing and steering are ur thing compared to constructive debates.

      • Tiercel de Claron
        June 24, 11:51 Reply

        Maybe you should go back to that Sunday post cos Absalom was well replied.
        Big spoon stirring the pot of chaos,really?.
        Talking about ‘efficacious contribution’,mind defining that and showing how what little comments I’d dropped on KD were ‘inefficacious’?.
        Since you just had a case of selective amnesia,let me remind you I didn’t come out against whatever handholding/kumbaya/lovefest y’all were having then,but the railroading of views and opinions to what only some select few amongst you think best.What was it Maxine called them then?.Those that ‘know best’

    • sensei
      June 24, 10:32 Reply

      Sorry about the long epistle. I was “typing under pressure”. (explains the many typos. Lol! ) have gotten frustrated with the narrow-minded way we view sexuality. Especially coming from people who should know better!

      People shd be set free to explore their sexuality! Isn’t that what we have been screaming to the world?

      When you do not practice what you preach, what does that make you?

      A HYPOCRITE!!!

      DM says he is gay. That’s fine.
      DM says he is straight and really believes it at the moment. That’s fine!
      Oh! Now he says he is GAY! That’s fine.
      Is he confused? THAT IS PERFECTLY OKAY!
      And besides, my opinions just MY opinion. HE MUST BE TRUE TO HIMSELF. MUST!

      I accept him ANYHOW HE IS.
      Cos I have set him free! Totally! To be anything he wants to be.

      Let us lead by example. SET PEOPLE FREE!

      • Tiercel de Claron
        June 24, 10:42 Reply

        ‘Ware,ere they come at you with cudgel ‘internalized homophobia’.You supporting it,I mean.

  16. REVEREND HOT
    June 24, 10:04 Reply

    are you people not seeing the part were DM said he didn’t enjoy sex with girls…

    HE IS NOT BISEXUAL!!!!!!! HE’S GAY!!!!

    I’m pretty sure straight guys can have sex with gay guys. but they won’t enjoy it either…

    DOES THAT MAKE THEM BISEXUAL????

  17. Dennis Macaulay
    June 24, 10:14 Reply

    Maybe people have not been following my writings. I have never bashed MGMs or Bisexuals. I have always maintained that the thing that ticks me off about SOME OF THEM is that they often become condescending on patronizing to other gay men and thing they are superior to others because their wedding rings and/or scheduled trips to pussyville saves them from society’s scorn.

    I have never denigrated bisexuals and MGMs for the sole reason that they are bisexual and MGM. You should dig up my article about MGMs and hypocrisy from the archives and read to understand where I am on this issue

    • Tiercel de Claron
      June 24, 10:36 Reply

      Easy DM,I didn’t say you directly did but some other loudmouths took their cue from you to go all out and you didn’t correct that impression.That’s my reading of it,anyway.
      No,you’re no hypocrite.Just human,like me and millions out there.You only just put paid to their romanticized vision of what the average gay nigerian should be and I applaud you for that.They’ll get over it in a day or two.

  18. sensei
    June 24, 10:16 Reply

    For clarification sake, I do not believe DM is confused. But to be honest, what I think is irrelevant. Even if he WERE confused, he doesn’t owe me or anyone an explanation.

    @DM: if you lose fan or friends cos of this article, then it’s good riddance. You don’t need negative energy around you

    • Gad
      June 24, 13:30 Reply

      Does he collect tithes and offerings from fans?

  19. ollusammie
    June 24, 10:19 Reply

    Firstly, am new on here guys and I am glad I found this blog.
    With respect to this post, as a 34yr old guy, all I can say is that I really do envy those that can be sexually intimate with both sexes. It is a miracle I pray to happen in my life. May be then, making a decision to marry might just be easier for me.

    • pinkpanthertb
      June 24, 10:32 Reply

      Welcome ollusammie.
      Make yourself at home.
      Pick your poison. 🙂

      • JArch
        June 24, 11:26 Reply

        *Staring at pinky*

        Don’t think I haven’t seen what you’ve done

        Ollu welcome to the family, hope you stick around and share your experiences with us. We’ll definitely love to get sneak peak of your life as a gay man.

        • ollusammie
          June 24, 13:53 Reply

          Thanks JArch. Most definitely, I am open to sharing my experiences as i have learnt (still learning) from the ones guys have been so open and bold to share on here. It is really an amazing forum. I cannot overemphasize that.

    • Khaleesi
      June 24, 14:23 Reply

      @olusammi, you envy those who can be sexually intimate with females because deep down you feel they are superior to you since they can easily crawl into society’s acceptance zone. Is this really a healthy state of mind for you? Think deep and hard about this and … You’re very welcome to this gaybourhood … please do stick around, immerse yourself in older posts and hopefully, we’ll hear your story someday soon ***Bear hug***

      • ollusammie
        June 26, 20:15 Reply

        @Khaleesi, having that state of mind is definitely not healthy I must say. Am working on it. Ain’t easy, but I surely am. Thank you.

  20. QueerMike
    June 24, 10:25 Reply

    I still maintain that a gay man being able to give it to a woman in bed does not imply him being bisexual. Sexuality is more of Who you are naturally wired to love not who you can fuck when the chips are down.

    Hello??? Kenny Brandmuse anyone???

    You hypocritic bunch should take several seats and overdose of chill pills.

    • virgin Morgana
      June 24, 11:07 Reply

      Can I blow you a kiss darling. You just nailed it. Don’t worry, my virging cakes are reserved for your likes. “Sexuality is not who we can fuck, but who we are naturally wired to love”. word. *Winks in Nikki’s attitide”*

  21. Peak
    June 24, 10:28 Reply

    “I just wanted to share something very personal today and it appears I may have stripped myself too bare!”

    I fell in love with KD because its one place I can express myself and possibly learn without fear or shame, comments like the above, is becoming more prominent of late. If we cant be vulnerable, open and direct with each other, then who else are we going go do that with? Y’all need to fix this obtuse idea cos its starting grate.

    • A-non
      June 24, 12:50 Reply

      @Peak, I totally agree with you.

      To be open and vulnerable on KD these days is to open up yourself to all sorts and shades of judgement.

      @PP, I read you welcome someone and to choose his own poison. Is it settled now that it’s now a bottle of poisons in here?

  22. Mandy
    June 24, 10:34 Reply

    All this fuss and the Chief Anti-DMites, Gad and Teflondon, aren’t even here yet. lol. Ok.

    • QueerMike
      June 24, 10:48 Reply

      Mandy Assinehh.
      Pinky I’m afraid the two sacks popcorn we ordered from Konga won’t be enough.
      The crucifixion of Dennis Macaulay would take a while

  23. Francis
    June 24, 11:51 Reply

    @Keredim the straightest of dem all fit crush on the right guy na….and do funny things when tipsy. lol

  24. Chuck
    June 24, 12:03 Reply

    In your line of work, Keredim, you should know that money makes people do many things

    • Francis
      June 24, 12:04 Reply

      @Chuck: Nna please details. E be like say my pimp speculation na the truth. lol

    • keredim
      June 24, 12:12 Reply

      …not a straight man chuck, not in the straightest sense.

  25. pete
    June 24, 12:30 Reply

    DM,i understood your post perfectly. if people feel betrayed by this, you’re better off not being with them. sexuality is who we are attracted to irrespective of whether you can get IT up for both sexes. I detest labels but when pushed, I lean towards bisexuality as I’m attracted to both though not equally. I haven’t shared my personal life here for reasons best known to me but I’ll make an exception today. I’m engaged to my girlfriend of 2 years & will hopefully tie the knot early next year. does that make me better/superior to the no-marriage group? NO. I have & I’m still doing my part for LGBT cause in my area.is my future wife aware of my leaning? yes, she’s & is now knows more than the average Nigerian about LGBT. is she the type of women I see described here as being desperate for marriage? NO. she’s in her early 20s & have a well-paying job & suitors too. what I share with her,no other person have come close to .

    • Chris
      June 24, 12:58 Reply

      Am happy for you Pete, congrats in advance.
      All the best. Cheerful news of the week.

    • keredim
      June 24, 13:12 Reply

      @Pete, congratulations. I am really happy for you and pray it goes well.

      Your comment…
      “Sexuality is who we are attracted to irrespective of WHETHER you can get it up for both sexes”

      Say hypothetically, I am attracted to my girlfriend, but can’t get it up for her… what is sexual about that? How does that define my sexuality?

      • pete
        June 24, 13:15 Reply

        then you are not sexually attracted to her.you may be attracted to other qualities

    • Francis
      June 24, 13:17 Reply

      @Pete congrats man. You don find better person wey most people for here dey find. Like Keredim said, we wish you the best and hope it works out well for you 🙂

    • Khaleesi
      June 24, 13:40 Reply

      congrats Pete, indeed I am happy for you!!! Yours is likely to be a happy and harmonious marriage … with truth and openness at its center!

    • Peak
      June 24, 13:46 Reply

      Congrats pete, it really awesome to find someone who understands you and happy to travel down the road of life with you for you.

    • JoshDeity
      June 24, 14:24 Reply

      You, O Pete, are living the life. Congratulations again and good luck.
      All protocols duly observed, I’m new-ish here.
      I’ll say that one thing I love about us gays is our ability to see through things and analyse stuff to the point of clarity. Unfortunately, this strength CAN also be our weakness in that while analysing, we become judgemental and refuse to see the good in a person.
      I respect DM for the write-up. Stay true to yourself (whether under the influence or not), because at the end of all, you alone will be responsible for all the decisions, good or bad, that you make.

  26. A-non
    June 24, 12:46 Reply

    Hmmm

    This is a representation of why I started following KD in the first place…the opportunity to be naked yet unashamed, to unmask yet unafraid, to be vulnerable yet at peace.

      • A-non
        June 24, 13:06 Reply

        @Peak, trust you are good?

        It’s been a bit. How’s enigmous?

      • Peak
        June 24, 13:58 Reply

        I’m fine bubba. long time you say? We barely seeyou around here these days.

  27. Chuck
    June 24, 13:03 Reply

    Keredim, I’m not saying you’re straight. I’m saying straight men work as gay sex workers too

  28. Khaleesi
    June 24, 13:20 Reply

    Wow Dennis, this was truly beautiful. It came from a deep and pure place. i truly admire how you can lay yourself bare for all to see the raw emotions.
    What a colourful childhood you had!!! Unlike you, i grew up with lots of women around me; though i seriously doubt that has anything to do with my sexuality.
    You took me down memory lane, to a time when i desperately tried to fit in, to be what I wasnt and probably would never be, all at the expense of who I truly was. I have very few regrets in life, but that time is one of my few unending regrets. In the end it isnt worth it – expending vast amounts of time and energy trying to act/look straight when you really arent, focus on you, be you and do you; you’ll be happier for it in the end!
    I am extremely curious as to why at the young age of 25, you suddenly swore off pussy, i mean; it would be so easy to keep up the charade and maintain the status quo, after all, it had worked so well for you in the previous years. I kinda suspect i know the answer to that question; it has a lot to do with inner peace and being true to yourself.
    and yes, the day you start to accept yourself (whether or not you come out is a different issue and is entirely up to you), is the day you gain deeper insight into yourself as well as experience tremendous emotional growth.
    Finally, deep down, i think you’re a bisexual man who has a strong preference for men and who will in time, “conform” and do what THIS society wants; if you wish to really live as you’ve decided, am sure you know what my opinion on that is ….
    This was an awesome piece!!! loved every syllable, every sentence, every phrase … Muah!!

  29. Jeova Sanctus Unus
    June 24, 13:30 Reply

    “I was arguing with a few close pals of mine recently and…one of them snarked at me, saying that I was bisexual sef, so he doesn’t even see why I ‘carry this gay matter for head, you been dey fuck pussy na.’ “.

    Isn’t this the crux of this rant?? Why are people digging nonexistent falsehoods in the story?? Every other part of this rant was to put us in the context of the paragraph I quoted above.

    Dennis said he wasn’t getting married, and if at all he’s going to, it’d most likely be with a man. He also said he’d never be having kids of his own. Now, should he change any of those decisions tomorrow it certainly ain’t none of our business.
    He had sex with a lady (like he’d done many times in the past), it obviously wasn’t great. He isn’t attracted to women sexually, he’s just attracted to them.
    *Now, he holds some little form of attraction to females that enable his dick to prostrate for his prostrates.
    *He notices a mild attraction to the female anatomy and idiosyncrasies.
    *His friends harangue him over this and accuse him of being bisexual.

    He wonders if maybe he is actually bisexual. His heart says otherwise. He brought the issue to the house (his reasons, I don’t know).

    Most of the people claiming betrayal aren’t any different from his friends and it’s all about self acceptance. We doubt our existence since we aren’t mildly attracted to females. Dennis’ resolve gives us hope that we aren’t alone, we have a ‘celeb’ in our midst so it’s alright. Today, we find out he actually can have sex with a female (nevermind that he doesn’t love it greatly) and we direct our self doubt to him. We hate him for ‘being bisexual’ hiding under the guise of hypocrisy.

    I may be able to dry-hump my bed to orgasm, or use a masturbator to orgasm, that doesn’t mean I’m attracted to them. Should you not know, we have humans who are attracted to inanimate objects.

    Even as I am attracted to men, I’m not attracted to all men. I can still be able to have sex with people I’m not attracted to; not everyone can do that.

    There’s a 5% chance of me getting married. And if I will, the chance of my partner being a female is just 25% to 75% for a male. I am mildly sexually attracted to females, but I’m fucking super duper attracted to males. I too identify as gay. That isn’t much different from Dennis’ situation. Some gay-4-pay pornies are attracted to men to a level, but they identify as straight. Every person who identifies as bisexual is attracted more to either of the genders, that doesn’t mean they aren’t bisexual.

    A young man bared a part of his life as usual, if you have nothing to grab from it, go grab your dick instead of groping for his.

    Thank you.

    • Gad
      June 24, 14:14 Reply

      Jeova sanctus, to buttress your point further, there are thousands of straight men who do not want to get married just as there are thousands of married heterosexual couples who do not want to have kids. Some wonder why one has only a child,two or just three. There are those who expresses shock at the news that a man has as many as ten children. The spur of the moment in all of this is that one does what he is happy with and is at peace with his God.

  30. trystham
    June 24, 13:33 Reply

    I find the comments amusing and irritating at the same time. Dennis, you sound like you are trying TOO hard to convince urself everytimd u have mentioned “I’m gay” in this post or the comments.
    At the same time, for some others who didn’t settle down to process the info but are quick to famz DM’s percieved bisexuality, I am not surprised…(another bites the dust??? REALLY???) A couple of y’all still find it unbelievable a bottom can get it up where a vagina is concerned. Tsk tsk
    There are moments for sober reflection. But an identity crisis where anythingy is concerned, at this time of ur life, is far fetched…and ppl wonder why I can’t stand mental babies.

  31. Vhar.
    June 24, 13:52 Reply

    What the FUCK is wrong with you people?!

    Dennis Macaulay fucks both sexes. How does that affect you?
    Just because you’re not attracted to females doesn’t mean another GAY can’t.

    The world is so obsessed with defining sexuality for everyone and attaching labels to it. Any time any person openly leaves the sexual norm, their sexuality becomes, more often than not, the absolute defining characteristic of that person. It becomes the first thing people think about and often the first thing they mention. Every other part of that person all but disappears. We learn as we grow and indulge various experiences.

    I have bashed bisexuals before in ignorance but not until Karma served me a hot dish of reality few months ago. If Dennis says he’s gay today, Hian! If he says he isn’t tomorrow, bleh!

    In itself, homosexuality is as limiting as heterosexuality: the ideal should be his crux if he’s attracted to a woman or a man; either without feeling fear, restraint, or obligation.

    The world is not divided into sheeps and goats. Not all things are black nor all things white. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories. Only the human mind invents categories and tries to force facts into separated pigeon-holes. The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. The sooner we learn this concerning sexual behavior the sooner we shall reach a sound understanding of the realities of sex.

    Get off your iron thrones of hypocrisy and disappointments (I don’t see any disappointment anywhere by the way) and shut the fuck up!

    Regardless is the word!

  32. Andrevn
    June 24, 17:36 Reply

    I see that you really came swinging in on your full #MonalisaOverDrive regalia with guns blazing and smoking……Duffs my Phoenix feather trimmed hat for you. Adol

    Dennis Macauley…….lemme be sincere with you I was initially taken aback and mortified when I read your post on my way to work this morning wyl being held up in traffic and it’s taken almost the whole day of deep rumination and talking to a deer KDsian outside KD to fully grasp the ‘why’ of this entry…..

    You have been an a example of the perfect young gay Nigerian who had every thing figured out, owned his truth and scripted his story as he deemed fit but then you stripped yourself bare on KITODIARIES (for which I would have loved to swing on a wrecking ball and crush, yes crush you to oblivion). The vulnerability and doubts that you showed here today speaks to show that at least you are not a super human -yet,and is prone to defaults like every human cos its not every day we get to see this wholehearted spilling of guts (fears and all) howbeit figuratively unlike a certain individual who thinks his heart is made of Adamantium. *rolls eyes*

    Thank you for bringing to light some Questions and laying bare some fundamental doubts that plagues the average (Nigerian) Gay.

    Let it known for and wide for all intent and consideration that sexuality is fluid and cannot ever be stuffed into little dainty boxes that becrys the notions that our mind have been programmed to accept. The Universe is beautiful and iridescent only if beheld with multifaceted lenses that erstwhile has been opaque-d by the…. what’s that word Khalee uses again?…. haze that’s been fuelled by the media, Religions and cultural sentiments…We are more than little dainty boxes, The wild sings harmoniously for those attuned to its chords so why not fly free and be free?

  33. Chris
    June 24, 17:42 Reply

    This particular rant reminds me of a rant that a friend of mine shared with me, just of recent. This friend and almost all his friends are living their lives as gay dudes with no apology. This friend casually mentioned a female friend that he “likes” a lot to me last year and that it was so far a platonic/romantic affair and that it has been going on for two years or so.

    I saw this friend late last year and he said he would be getting engaged to the lady he mentioned to me. i was happy for him and simultaneously surprised that the affair has graduated to almost a Mr&Mrs status. While we were gisting over the matter with our chilled big stout, i had to confessed to him that i was taken back with the new deveopment in his life, ie him getting married to a woman. My friend responded and said to me that he could understood my amazement. He went further to tell me that he has lost some of his gay friends due to his new marital status due to envy and or betrayal.

    My friend’s story confirm what i know of fluidity in sexuality. This my friend wasnt under pressure at all , he wassnt under the nose of family or kindred, it was just that the journey of his life took a detour. This friend is happy as he would be hearing patter of tiny feet this year and i am happy for him.

    • Gad
      June 25, 08:53 Reply

      Chris you have said it all. It beats me how low some of us can get. Envying your friend for getting married? What betrayal? Is it a cult? Did they swear to an oath? Even if they did. I just feel pity for some guys. That explains why this place has become a verbal war front.

      • Chris
        June 25, 10:17 Reply

        Gad, i think some dudes tend to forget that the only thing they have in common with other dudes is just the sexuality thing, delete that and the common ground is removed. Perhaps some gay men are afraid of being or standing on their own in terms of their sexuality or maybe such dudes believe their voice wont be heard unless the belong to a group or clique, forgeting the fact that twenty children cant play together for twenty years or am i wrong?. Straight, Bi or Gay, i believe, it is other factors such as character, background, interests, aspiration and goals, that build friendship not the sexuality thing, well my opinion.

        • Gad
          June 25, 13:49 Reply

          Chris you are correct

  34. Ace
    June 25, 05:30 Reply

    Just another interesting day on KD! pheeew! I really wish I could get it up for girls cos that has always been my concern about getting into a heterosexual marriage. I believe I would be a great husband but I can’t imagine sex with a girl and I am a very sexual person. Good luck on your journey to self discovery Mr. DM, live your life.

  35. Lanre S
    June 25, 13:08 Reply

    Let me help all of you who keep saying sexuality is fluid. It’s not . Yes it is fluid for the human population in general but every individual is either this or that when it comes to what they want to fuck or be fucked by. Saying otherwise is pulling some Dolezal shit on all of us. Now one may pretend, like Dolezal and Caitlyn, to be something they are not for a while but eventually they give up the act. Scientists say ones perception of gender identity is formed before age 5, and with that goes ones preference for fuckment. Now if you would add to your physical sexual lustings the Emotions of who you are or aren’t attracted to then it will be clear to you whether you are homo, hetero or bisexual. Bisexuals have emotional desires for intimacy with both males and females, and this translates to physical fucking. If you go stick your penis in a woman just because u can but you’re not emotionally satisfied, your feelings betray that you are not bisexual but gay. You may choose to identify differently to satisfy social norms but when push comes to shove the chickens always come home to roost .

  36. virgin Morgana
    June 25, 22:40 Reply

    Please can we just end all these talk about DM bursting your bubbles or disappointing you as you call it. I haven’t seen my period this month and I am worried. PP darling, do help a distressed boo. *Crawls up to the couch and curls*

    • posh6666
      June 26, 07:05 Reply

      Period missing?Ermm ur name states u are a virgin abi na evil spirit baby dey ur tummy?lmaooo

  37. KingBey
    June 26, 02:03 Reply

    Okay, I think you are a bisexual in denial.

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