RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 21)

RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 21)

Hello guys, not that this is necessary, but all the same, I want to clarify that this journal is not a weekly account of my life. Therefore the things I write about every Wednesday are not things that happen between Wednesdays. Some of my entries are weeks apart because I am constrained by space to write everything as they happen.

I had a terrible week, and by the time Friday came around, I was totally exhausted. We had auditors from the regional office around, looking into the books, and everybody was understandably on the edge. My boss kept snapping at everyone as these men pored over every financial detail. And at a point, I secretly wished I could poison their coffee. So I was more than happy when Friday came and I called it a week and headed home to a cool bath, a good book and some coffee.

And then, my phone buzzed on Whatsapp, and it was this guy who is in Uniport that I’d been talking to, who I met when I went to see a play at the department of Theatre Arts. He is young, waiflike and has sparkling eyes, and I was (pleasantly) surprised when he asked for my phone number after the play. He’d been going on and on about how I don’t want to invite him to my house (as if my house is an amusement park). So when he buzzed on that Friday, I simply asked him over, seeing as I did not have any plans for the evening.

We spent the night together and we went to play some football the following Saturday, which was great since I had not played football in a really long time. However after the game, as we walked home, I noticed he kept on sneezing, like he had an allergy or something. But I did not think anything of it. Throughout the day however, he kept on sneezing while we went about my errands together, and when I asked him, he said it was the rainy weather, and that it was no biggie. So I let the slide.

We were having sex in the night when it happened. I had just gone in and was trying to get into rhythm when I noticed his breathing had become labored and was coming in gasps. I sighed, thinking he was coming already, which was of course going to be the end of this session. He continued breathing that way, and then he started gasping for breath and then began wheezing.

In that moment, the realization of what was happening dawned on me. I had a bit of history with a sister who grew up with the ailment. So I knew this guy was having a crisis – an asthmatic attack. This with my dick still lodged inside him. How quaint.

I panicked and jumped up and started asking him for his inhaler. When he gave me the sign that he had none, I saw my life flash before my eyes. This boy was going to die right here in my flat, and what would be my story? Linda Ikeji front page? What would I tell his family? How do I even begin to explain my friendship with this NINETEEN year old? No, this was not good! I carried him (literally) and made a dash for the car, and sped into the road, rushing to the closest clinic where an ex-boyfriend of mine works.

Nigerian medical establishments sef… *shaking my head* I had to pay money for emergency consulting fees before they opened the gate of the clinic for us, even though I was carrying someone who was visibly struggling to live. As if the worst had not happened, my ex was on duty and he promptly attended to us after we had paid; he wore a permanent smirk on his face as he went about his care-giving duty, a smirk that seemed like a gloat. So much so that when the nurse asked me for the boy’s surname, before I could respond, my ex smiled and told her I did not know. And honestly, I did not know. I mean, who finds out surnames before shagging. At this point I did not care about the ex or the bill of 14k I was given; I just wanted the night to be over so I could put it all behind me.

After treatment, he was okay and we left 30 minutes later, and there was an awkward silence in the car as we drove home. Until the boy spoke up and said he was sorry for making me spend all that money. I snapped at him; it was not about the money, I was simply angry that he’d been careless with his life and had nearly put me in trouble. What asthma sufferer does not have an inhaler on him at all times? And if he had mentioned he had a history of asthma, I would have gotten him some tablets when the symptoms first started that morning. I was so mad at what he put both of us through. What if I had no money? Or if there was no car and I had had to carry him on my back to the junction to what – hail a cab at 2am? I was livid.

After he left the following day, I decided I wasn’t going to see him again. But Colossus (who I spoke to about it) said I was discriminating against asthma patients (lol), and Sensei weighed in as well. So I let it go and called the boy again. That night however ranks as the scariest night of my life so far.

*

The other day I was out with a few friends. We had called an intervention for one of our friends who had just had a kito situation. He had fallen into the hands of a blackmailing bitch, and now the shit had hit the fan and splattered on the faces of his parents. We were drinking beer and trying to figure out how best to calm the situation, even though I was more concerned with how to get back at the boy who brought about the mess.

My friend, still obviously distraught, spoke up: “I am tired of being gay… This thing is like a curse, and nothing works in my life because of it. Kito, kito, kito, that’s all I get… I had a third class in university… I cannot get a job… My parents hate me… I don’t even have money… kito, left, right and centre… Me, I am tired of this thing, I cannot continue to live like this, I am tired!”

I wanted to smack him in the face, but I kind of understood where he was coming from. And because of what he’d just gone through, I let it slide. An awkward silence descended on the table as everyone looked fixedly at their glasses, not knowing what to say.

I finally said: “I am gay too, Ikenna (not real name). Just like you. But my experience has been different. I have never had a kito situation (yes, I have been fortunate in that regard). I graduated on top of my faculty in university (can I brag just a bit, please). I have a job, and I’d like to think I have a great life. You know the difference between me and you? You often think with your dick and ass, while I think with my brain. You have made very poor choices in life which had nothing to do with you being gay, it’s just that you always seek instant gratification, no matter the cost, and that is the root cause of these your issues.”

When I was done talking, another silence ensued. And then, another person asked, directing his words at me, “Dennis, are you saying you like being gay?”

I took my time to answer that question. I told them that my life would have been easier if I were straight; by now, I maybe would be engaged to some schoolteacher and we would be planning our wedding. But it is what it is. If life hands me a lemon, then by god, I will make lemonade and sell them at a profit, rather than lament that I wanted citrus instead.

So, do I like being gay? I would say that all round, being gay has made me a better person, because I am tolerant of differences, something I wasn’t when I was still in denial of my sexuality. Anytime I want to judge someone for anything, there is always this little voice in my head, reminding me that people also judge me and that it would be unfair to judge someone else so. I find myself constantly defending minorities; I defend the rights of women, I defend single mothers, and I generally no longer buy the single story about anybody the same way I expect people not to make my homosexuality the single story about me. I was once driving through GRA Red Light District with a friend, and he turned up his nose at the prostitutes we spotted in judgment, and I told him not to judge these women until he’d heard their stories, as I do believe some of them do not want this life they live.

So yes, being gay has made me a better person and I live my life without regrets and on my own terms.

XOXO

DM

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83 Comments

  1. Max
    July 01, 07:03 Reply

    “You often think with your dick and ass, while I think with my brain” really?? And you don’t?

    And the Asthma part though . Phew.. You’re really lucky. Stop chasing small boys, if not you’ll murder them with your humongous egg plant one day. Find a matured dude..(plenty pun intended)

    • Eros
      July 01, 07:33 Reply

      Dear Max, how do you know DM’s egg plant is humongous? Do you have evidence of its monstrosity?? #AskingForTheTwinkAssociationOfNigeria

  2. #TeamKizito
    July 01, 07:07 Reply

    Hmmm.

    I dunno oo, (might sound ridiculous and stupid), I think asthmatic patients are cute, cute people. The ailment sef is cute. (I’m just saying, I know I sound ridiculous.)

    **

    • Ace
      July 01, 07:20 Reply

      Right? I remember when at one time, it was a classy sickness girls used in high school to escape labour duties. “I am asthmatic” “I am allergic to dust”… LOL

      • pinkpanthertb
        July 01, 07:54 Reply

        Hehehehee. Ace, you’re so right. Kai! The many punishments I’ve escaped using the asthmatic excuse sha.

    • trystham
      July 01, 09:29 Reply

      and sickle cellers too #sigh They just look fragile and….so handsome

  3. MacArdry.
    July 01, 07:09 Reply

    Asthmatic boyfriends and crisis…….learned to read its onset even when it’s still being denied.Can scare the stuffing out of one,otherwise

  4. Masked Man
    July 01, 07:11 Reply

    That first paragraph wasn’t even necessary. You and teenagers, DM? You are always lucky. What would you have done had the situation gone out of hand. Be more careful.

  5. Ace
    July 01, 07:12 Reply

    sorry, i couldn’t wait to finish the whole story but let me comment on the Asthma story. DM, please forgive me… Please! I know i will go to hell for this… HAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

    • Francis
      July 01, 07:19 Reply

      @Tiercel I’m speaking for myself oh. I know there are really hateful dickheaded gays out there.

    • Max
      July 01, 07:20 Reply

      Yels Clarice, Yels!!!!

    • Tiercel de Claron
      July 01, 07:26 Reply

      **sigh**
      Claron is a place,Maxine.If you would,place with Tiercel.That is,if you can.

    • trystham
      July 01, 09:17 Reply

      LWKMD. Max, you are a goat. Clarice??? #iDied

  6. Bade
    July 01, 07:19 Reply

    Am asthmatic and have never had a crisis during sex. I leave my inhaler at home sometimes cuz whenever people see it, they start asking questions and have this pity face on.
    The Guy had symptoms of the crisis buh i guess ur dick was more important to him than his life.

    • Ace
      July 01, 07:22 Reply

      This nigga didn’t!!! LOL

    • JArch
      July 01, 07:48 Reply

      Lmaoo Bade oh no you didn’t
      But ventolin helps to avoid such situations now. I know its dependent on it’s severity though. But the best cause of action is having your inhaler at all times

    • trystham
      July 01, 09:38 Reply

      The reason we hardly know what symptons to look out for is because y’all are always hiding ur ailment and acting normal even when things are not. Besides, he came up with the perfect excuse. The weather. I see runny noses everywhere around me and they are not even asthmatic.

  7. kacee
    July 01, 07:27 Reply

    @Ace i’m allergic to dust (i’m not joking)

  8. Ace
    July 01, 07:36 Reply

    I guess na to dey ask guys of health history before you nack dem. “Are you asthmatic?” “Do you have epilepsy?” (maka dat blowjob, make person no bite off your dick), “Do you have a history of mental or suicidal thoughts?” I can imagine the how horrible the situation was that is why if i see say you know dey as freaky as i dey, i no go force you cos i heard people fit die from “over-sweetness of sexual intercourse” LOL.

    There are times i have genuinely felt that being gay was the leading cause of some bad events in my life. I haven’t been kitoed and all but i have been in situations that made me feel like my sexuality was pulling me back. Then, i just remember all the good things that have happened to me and situations that i stood out and my conclusion is “shit happens, deal with it!” The fact that a some other guy i know got an opportunity that i really wanted just explains the circle of life. You gain, you lose. Someone is always in a worst situation than you.

    • D-Boy
      July 01, 09:19 Reply

      I know right. i think it has to do with having a religious up brining. When things go wrong, you assume God is punnishing you. Wondered if i would feel burdened by this, if i was having sex with a woman. Sometimes we need to own up to our shortcomings and remember God loves us regardless.

      Even though, i have heard celibacy brings about clarity & focus 🙂

  9. JArch
    July 01, 07:38 Reply

    Errr Colossus and Sensesi please what (valid) points did you dish out to DM to drop his intentions of calling the uniport guy again? I know for sure it wasn’t that discrimination against asthmatic patients you both suggested, I know both of you are smarter than that.

    It’s not like he has Hep C or HIV which is a cause for discrimination personally or professionally. But friggin asthma.

    Also 4 things:

    – You went to a guys house WITHOUT your inhaler ON A FIRST DATE!! Who does that mbok
    – You went to play FOOTBALL -without your inhaler- I once had 2 siblings who had asthma crisis together right around the same time after they’d finished cutting grass. That’s when I knew asthma and grass don’t mix. Let’s not even consider that the football pitch was probably dusty.
    – How much does it cost to grab ventolin tablets over the counter in pharmacies ANYWHERE. Since he’s so ashamed of using an inhaler
    – The worst bit… He finally had an asthma attack while taking that D and was keeping quiet? Is it just me or the pikin has a death wish biko?

    So Colosuss and Sensei, please help me understand why you felt DM should not drop him like it’s hot.

    But you DM anybody that sneezes more than 4times in a row is a cause for concern, just so you know. In my case, when that happens it’s either allergies or a sign for the onset of malaria. Shocking I know but it’s the truth. Biko nu leave all these waiffers boys alone na eh biko

    • Absalom
      July 01, 08:02 Reply

      There’s a kind of stupidity a person would exhibit and you know they are a danger unto themselves and others. The boy is 19; he needs a hot slap from an adult to reset his senses. Lest he repeats the foolishness and puts someone else in trouble. The horror.

    • Colossus
      July 01, 21:57 Reply

      n the context of our discussion, my advice stands. When a child makes a mistake, however costly, I believe you admonish right before you correct.

      • JArch
        July 01, 23:54 Reply

        I understand your POV. But let’s try worse case scenario for size and see how that works out:

        Supposing if DM had continued to “let it slide” both literally and figuratively and also could not afford to foot the bills at the hospital and then he ends up on LIB for “gay gone dead”

        Please tell me how you’d admonish such a person for such costly mistake when he’s 6ft under?

        There are some instances where a person doesn’t deserve a “smack on the wrist” card and this my dear, is one of those instances.

  10. posh6666
    July 01, 07:38 Reply

    Let me spark up some drama *side eyes* being bisexual u mean.You have been fucking ur maid since very early in life den u fucked a girl very recently too.Come to think of it sometimes we tend to associate being gay to badluck have or well had some frnds back in uni too who graduated with 3rd class in social sciences and art related courses and am like r u kidding me????like no disrespect or anything but how dull can u be to fail masscom,geology,international relations,like forreal.Most of dem got carried away with d fun part dat cums with d lifestyle partying,d numerous sex parties n hookups which i also did but u just have to set ur priorities straight and know u can always have more sex n parties when u are a graduate and earning money.

    • Ace
      July 01, 07:55 Reply

      True, I agree some people are unlucky when it comes to education because I know some really amazing people that didn’t graduate with an amazing GPA. That said, I would use myself as an example: I am currently doing a course I hate which is totally unrelated to my first degree but I am still topping my class. The truth is, some people are just lazy academically. Even some easy ass assignments for free marks is a burden to them.

      • posh6666
        July 01, 08:00 Reply

        Yes.I had frnds who knew they had a test on monday which dey arent prepared for yet dey couldnt afford to miss the party during d weekend or pass up a hookup opportunity by travelling to another state since na better “market”.

    • pinkpanthertb
      July 01, 07:58 Reply

      Posh, forgive me, but how does the beginning of this comment have anything to do with the later part of it? How does dredging up DM’s last post have anything to do with your talk on bad gay living? Whatever drama you hope to stoke using that is quite unnecessary, don’t you think?

      • posh6666
        July 01, 08:04 Reply

        Lol dear pinkie isnt that what comment is meant for?u say everything thats on ur mind and musnt relate to eachother.Just saying d obvious Dennis is at best an unaccepting bisexual who prefers boys.Some of us dont even need to give it a try/or have tried and know we are totally gay and cant get it up for a woman at all at all.

        • pinkpanthertb
          July 01, 08:06 Reply

          An unaccepting bisexual? Lol.
          You still resent him for that post, don’t you?
          It’s really not up to you or me to give him a label he does not want to be identified with, you know.

          • posh6666
            July 01, 08:11 Reply

            Lol ok pinkie for ur sake let me backoff!

          • posh6666
            July 01, 08:16 Reply

            And also i dont resent Dennis personally dont just agree with him sometimes.Well on dat note who can resent a man that rumour has it that he has an humongous cock! Not that i really want it o just want to play with it i like playing with big toys.

        • posh6666
          July 01, 08:13 Reply

          Take it easy on the sighs dear its not good for ur heart…..lmaooooo

      • Ace
        July 01, 08:15 Reply

        And this is where I bring in my cyber scissors ✂. Oya make e end here! DM dick, which is totally non of our biz oh, is amBIdextrous. Let’s move on.

  11. posh6666
    July 01, 07:41 Reply

    Errm someone just said he has an humongous cock so its a bit hard for d poor ex to let go of.lmaooooo

  12. kacee
    July 01, 07:59 Reply

    “as if
    my house is an amusement park” lol,
    Some people actually know
    their surnames before shagging them lol. Nigeria hospitals are something else(even though they are right sometimes) Some patient’s family actually abandon them in the hospitals and the hospitals have bills to pay. Nice one DM appreciate u sir.

  13. Vhar.
    July 01, 08:05 Reply

    Dennis,

    You didn’t know his surname?
    You didn’t get to know him well enough to know about his illness?

    Eros and myself discussed this on the side few minutes ago and he said “it happens irrespective of sexuality”. And I agree.

    Now, I’m wondering why it’s always like this.
    Are there reasons for not asking little questions?
    Or does being horny cloud one’s mind and we fail to ask the little things?

    And when everything takes a nosedive, we’re quick to “almost” let go
    I’m not judging you though.

    I learn everyday.

    • posh6666
      July 01, 08:09 Reply

      Vhar its really creepy and awkward to be asking someone for his surname and health history when we both know itz just a shag and nothing more.Well i for one once u begin asking me such questions i quickly delete u no need getting deep unless during sex lol.

      • Vhar.
        July 01, 08:18 Reply

        You see it as creepy, I don’t.
        Sometimes, these little things matter.

        I have a heart condition and I make it my duty to let a potential lay’er’/lay know this.
        I owe it to him or her if I am passing the night or vice versa.

        This in turn helps them know what to do just in case something rears its head.

        And about surnames, it’s different for everybody but I’d definitely want to know a shags surname.

        • posh6666
          July 01, 08:30 Reply

          Aww dear sorry about that.Well urs is understandable and for the interest of both parties involved.But remember its u who feel its ok to tell a stranger/potential hookup that.Most people will be creeped out like ermm “so do u have a health condition or mental issue”.For those that have any of such conditions please try to always inform ur shag of such in order to prevent Dennis kinda situation which i think he was very lucky.Thanking God on ur behalf Dennis.

        • posh6666
          July 01, 08:36 Reply

          And also some of u might laff at this but am nigerian and bad things do happen in ways u cant even imagine.Plenty evil men out there when u ask for my surname 1st thing dat cums to my mind is well there goes a ritualist lmaoooooo.Dont ask me for my surname unless am texting my bank account to u for some good ole credit alert☺☺☺

  14. Masked Man
    July 01, 08:22 Reply

    I don’t understand how people can decide to drop pants and start humping on each other, without getting to know themselves. No be me abeg.

    • Max
      July 01, 09:18 Reply

      Thanks hun. It baffles me too. I can’t have sex with someone I’m not emotionally connected with. How people have emotionless meaningless sex is still a mystery to me..
      Oh and, I can smell asthma from two miles away… And other ailments too.

      • Masked Man
        July 01, 09:25 Reply

        Max, I just can’t. One night stand, or what is it called. It might be my cousin that I dont even know of.

  15. Masked Man
    July 01, 08:48 Reply

    Na wa oh. Everybody topped their class, ehkwa? Nobody is an olodo and itiboribo on kd like me?

  16. trystham
    July 01, 09:12 Reply

    Hell. Who knew an asthma story will pop up here? I have been plagued with someon dying in my immediate vicinity since last week when out of the blues, I heard a neighbour wheeze. Oh boy, na God oo.
    Ur story is not so different from the one a former boss who is straight told me. However, after her eye don clear, they continued from where they stopped off with their shagging…lol

  17. Masked Man
    July 01, 09:28 Reply

    Celibacy brings clarity and focus? What will I not hear? Ah, I have to try this celibacy oh.

      • Masked Man
        July 01, 12:09 Reply

        Sorry Tiercel. It only brings more horny times.

      • Ace
        July 01, 12:31 Reply

        Sorry, I have tried that road… It is not really pretty.

      • Masked Man
        July 01, 13:03 Reply

        Not to talk about ‘default celibacy setting’.

      • Ace
        July 01, 16:16 Reply

        Hahahaha! Celibacy by default… Not anymore!

  18. pinkpanthertb
    July 01, 11:54 Reply

    Lol. Chizzie would’ve had a field day tearing most of Dennis’s posts apart. There’s so much blood I’m grateful I don’t have to mop up off KD 🙂

    • Diablo
      July 01, 12:00 Reply

      Lol but i miss the blood and gore. It was entertaining

      • posh6666
        July 01, 12:27 Reply

        But u mostly sound like a now refined chizzie who has under gone major theraphy.

    • Diablo
      July 01, 13:07 Reply

      Mbok posh…do you realize how far off u sound when you say that? Give it a rest child.

  19. GOld
    July 01, 12:25 Reply

    Is it just me or does anybody else think that DM’s obviously humongous D gave the poor boy a heart, sorry asthmatic attack??

  20. Khaleesi
    July 01, 12:34 Reply

    Wow Dennis,these your waiflike twinks sha,this one sure has death wish!
    Sigh … the gay men who have internalized homophobia to the point where every single setback in their life is atrributed to their sexuality. Its pathetic! How then do you explain the loads of successful gays as well as the even bigger loads of unsuccessful straight people …. mtchwwww #DumbAss

  21. JamesJemima
    July 01, 13:26 Reply

    Asthma.. *shudders*
    It’s a typical trait I’ve noticed in Nigerians (not sure about other countries) to blame anything or anyone but themselves for whatever goes wrong in their lives. The country is in shambles.. Blame the leaders. The world is ending.. Blame the Americans. You raped an 8 year old.. Blame the devil (who was probably in Afghanistan overseeing the terror attacks while you were at it). A step in the right direction as individuals is to realise that more often than not we are responsible for what goes wrong in our lives.

  22. Gad
    July 01, 13:35 Reply

    Quite entertaining…

  23. Chuck
    July 01, 14:47 Reply

    So posh666, you’re willing to give someone your surname for credit alert? How do you know they won’t use you for money ritual? If they give you 5k and use you for 5 million who wins?

    Some of these rent boys sha. Think things through.

    P.S. this fear of ritualists is a no no. How come people in your uni aren’t selling a list of students to ritualists? All your details are in the Dean of Student’s office. Shior.

      • Chuck
        July 01, 22:56 Reply

        I’m beginning to fear these gay youth… You need to do so many tests or else you get dangerous ones

  24. Jamie
    July 01, 16:53 Reply

    Oh… I love this page of the ranting journal…

  25. paul
    July 01, 20:08 Reply

    There comes a time in d life of someone who has a chronic illness where U let it all go and decide to live normaly and free like all is well.
    U giv up d caution n u jst breathe. Bcos weda U like it or not , prevent it, act cautiously ds crises would jst still come.
    ( a crises is an excercebation of a constantly occuring event)
    I’m not justifying d young man’s carelessness, bt I tried to get into his mind and trust me I tink for once he jst wanted to b free.( He definitely loves his life more dan a tuber of yam as u guys describe it)
    An inhaler may jst have spoilt or killed tins for him with DM,admitting he was down would even mk Dm discard him sharply n he’d go bk nursing nt jst his Asthmatic attack but a lil depression ( wich is a tin every 1 with a chronic illness has @ 1 point or the other)
    He is still young, he’d grow to that point where he’d draw a line btween accepting reality, caution, fun n life.
    I heard someone say gays r tolerant. Biko dnt blasphem again. I beg u in whatever u hold dear mk we for no fight.

    • pinkpanthertb
      July 02, 03:53 Reply

      I don’t think it was said that gays are tolerant. I believe it was a couple of people admitting that being gay has made them more tolerant. Individualism, not generalisation.

      • Francis
        July 02, 04:17 Reply

        @Pinkpanther comprehension dey hard some people sha

  26. RM
    July 01, 20:46 Reply

    Instant gratification… poor life choices… I’ve been there, and you’re right. It has nothing to do with being gay.

  27. sensei
    July 02, 20:41 Reply

    Lovely post, DM!

    Thank you for not keeping quiet when your friend was blaming all his misfortunes on his sexuality. The truth is that you were kinda harsh. But a harsh and well-timed dose of bitter truth is ALWAYS BETTER than self-deception. Well done!

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