RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 40)

RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 40)

The other day, my friends and I were arguing about the principle of “converting” straight men; whether it was really a thing, whether straight men could actually be “converted” or whether these are really latent gay men, which explained why it was easy for them to “switch lanes”. I told them that while I would never pride myself as a gay evangelist who spreads the gospel of homosexuality and converting souls, I do agree that some straight men can be swayed. I personally don’t chase straight men because it’s exhausting and the sex is often lackluster, seeing as they often will not know how to pleasure a man. However I have a story that stood out and I will share it here, even though the Very Reverend Mother Maxine has previously judged me for it.

Jimmy and I lived on the same street after my parents moved to Warri; moving from a big city to a small city like Warri at the time was a huge adjustment for me, but I didn’t have any choice. We often played football on the street and I watched his slim, waiflike frame with hunger in my eyes. He was younger than me by a few years and he had two elder brothers who were about my age, so I treaded carefully. Eventually I told him what I wanted after one drunken evening we had together (alcohol just makes it easy for you to say certain things), and he politely but firmly told me that he doesn’t drive on my side of the road, and I went away to lick my wounds with the last shred of my dignity.

After a few days of awkwardness, he called me aside one day and told me that he would never judge me, and that he loved me anyway, but we should pretend I never said anything and continue our friendship just as it was. I agreed. The hoe in me sha did not rest; every now and then, I’d slap or press his butt, pinch his tummy etc. And he would give me a stern warning. We remained friends. Eventually I moved away to Port Harcourt for NYSC and our friendship derailed a bit, as expected, and I finally got him out of my system. I mean, Port Harcourt has boys in abundance, no?

Fast forward three years later, I was home on a Friday night enjoying a movie marathon, which I don’t get to do often, when Jimmy called me. After the pleasantries and the “you don forget me” banter, he told me why he called. He had just gotten a job with a cable TV provider. When he told me that, I expressed my profuse happiness for him in my congratulations; he’d been job-hunting for quite some time. But that was not all. He soon got to the real point of the call. The position was in Port Harcourt and he needed a place to stay for a few months until he could afford a place. The hoe in me, you know, that died all that while back resurrected at once, poured a glass of wine and sat down with me. Jimmy was still talking, saying that he had an uncle in Port Harcourt who lived with his family, but that it would be way better for him to chill with me instead.

I smiled into my phone and laid my cards on the table.

I told him that if he is going to stay with me, then we would have to have sex or no deal. Yes, I know I am a horrible person and I am going to hell, blah-blah-blah (Max has pointed this out to me before), but you see, I am a businessman and this was purely business; after all, even symbiosis is a real thing in Biology.

He paused a bit after I told him what I wanted before saying no, that he could not do it. I wished him goodnight and went back to my movie. He called a few weeks later; apparently his resumption had neared and he hadn’t made any other arrangements, plus he’d discovered that my house was very close to his new office. So he said that he was ready to do whatever I wanted, but that it must be a one-time thing. Half bread is better than none, so I agreed.

He rolled his bags into PH eventually and we went out for drinks that night. Some beers and weed later, we were naked in bed together and the rest is history. He was very surprised at how much pleasure he got from rimming and anal stimulation, so much so that after an initial hesitation to open the gates of paradise, he eventually did. He ended up coming three times before we called it a night, and I felt like I had a new convert in Shag-buddy-ville.

After that day however, he never came to my bed again. He entertained a steady stream of women in my flat and I didn’t mind because they always cooked sumptuous meals for us (lol).

And somehow, our friendship remains solid to this day.

I agree that I am a rapist and a horrible person for what I did, but I also now believe that sometimes, straight men can switch lanes while straight, the same way some gay men can make trips to Pussyville.

*

Something very funny happened yesterday. My company does a lot of PR, and this January, I was mandated to send out New Year cards plus gifts to key accounts across town. There was a woman who is a very important client and who constantly asks me when I am going to call them to eat jollof rice. In the past, when I am asked about marriage, I try to be evasive or find a way to shade you as well. But these days, I take the easy route; I just say “very soon”. ‘Very soon’ can stretch from a few days to many years, so they can all wait forever.

Anyway, so I got to her office today with New Year cards in hand and a bottle of wine. She had some guests in her office, but her assistant said I could still go in. The moment she saw the cards and the wine, she broke into a chant: “PRAAAAAAAIIIIISSSSSSSEEEEE THE LOOOOOOOORRRD! Dennis is getting married ooo! 2016 is indeed the year of the Lord!”

I was taken aback and totally bewildered as I watched her screaming and shouting about how the Lord had answered her silent prayers and how she was going to be the mother of the day. She declared that she would in fact provide the small chops for the wedding reception, since I was her beloved son.

It was then that I realized what was going on. In this part of the world, when you want to invite a big man or a big woman for your wedding, you take an expensive drink along with the wedding invitations. Apparently, she’d seen the wine I was carrying and the cards and assumed it was my wedding I came to invite her too.

I kept quiet and handed her the card as she continued: “Who is your fiancé? Where is she from? Do I know her?” Then as she opened the card, realization dawned on her face and she sighed and threw it on the table. “I been think say na your wedding. Thanks anyway.” I laughed in response, and told her my wedding would happen – when else? – ‘very soon’, and that I would like to take her up on the small chops offer. We joked a bit about it, and I left.

Nigerians and marriage sha!

See you guys next week.

XOXO

DM

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25 Comments

  1. Mandy
    February 03, 06:28 Reply

    Such cold-hearted opportunism. Wow. Who’da thunk Dennis was capable of that?

  2. Toni
    February 03, 07:13 Reply

    *when you read something that changes your perception about a person.

  3. Queen Blue Fox
    February 03, 07:21 Reply

    Oh and I thought I was the queen of evil for having sex with 3 so called straight guys. But what do j know, I’m still a learner compared to Dennis *sips tea*

  4. Max 2.0
    February 03, 08:31 Reply

    Let the judging begin.. I’m just gonna sit back and enjoy the view..

    According to a recent google survey of most searched items, it was discovered that Nigerians are obsessed with weddings.

  5. Twat
    February 03, 08:46 Reply

    As someone who has like gone through emotional and physical abuse, I am not being righteous or the one without sin but like that’s really wrong :/

    That’s not how you make people switch lanes, you’re just making them assume gay men are just horny and will do anything evil as the stereotype implies. I get it, you liked him a lot but its not by force. And if you think raping changes lanes you’re wrong. Getting raped might influence your sexual orientation, but if it’s not in you then its not in you.

    I might be rambling and find out its all fictional or satirical, I don’t know but I don’t know why you would take pride in “raping” someone. Someone might say but he still stayed back, but what tf did you want him to do? Times are hard and people are willing to smear their dignity for anything.

    It’s just wrong, but to each their own I guess and its ironic for someone who has always seemed so self righteous as Dennis, makes me even more scared of people.

  6. ambivalentone
    February 03, 09:35 Reply

    Tueh!!! Lowest of the low. Shamelessness at its height. Is it until he calls u ‘Boda Dennis’ u wee know u are not hid mate? Because u av bin smoking n drinking together abi? Tomorrow when he starts insulting u, ur mouth wee close. Asewo kobokobo. Adojutini agba-ma-logbon

  7. BRYANNNN
    February 03, 09:51 Reply

    I wudnt spew all the hate dat erupted in me, you outrightly took advantage of him and that really BAD!!!!
    This is one good reason straights see us as overtly sexual animals, hopping and clanging on sex at every slightest opportunity……This is somewhat irrational!!!!!

    • segs
      February 03, 21:01 Reply

      So fucking true you are right

  8. boy2006
    February 03, 10:20 Reply

    “I smiled into my phone and laid my cards on the table.” yea, that’s disgusting.

  9. michael
    February 03, 10:53 Reply

    Denis being a ruthless businessman.

  10. Khaleesi
    February 03, 11:38 Reply

    its downright mean and lowdown to take advantage of a man when he’s down on his luck … yes, you have a first class reservation aboard the next airbus-A380 jumbo jet heading to hell!

      • belculen
        February 03, 14:54 Reply

        some ppl get taken advantage of. In dis case d dude allowed himself to be taken advantage of. i see it as a transaction that took place with 2 consenting adults. but dennis dis was some1 who didn’t see any wrong in yur lifestyle wen yu told him abt it.

  11. ELI
    February 03, 18:35 Reply

    Dennis! that was stone cold exploitation, but at least u gave him some pleasure……..still it seems a very selfish thing to do. Most friendships could never survive this!

  12. Aster
    February 03, 22:30 Reply

    You are mean DM. How could you take advantage of a needy friend like that? This idea of converting straight guys gay is simply objectionable.

  13. Somebody
    February 03, 23:19 Reply

    Is this a pathetic attempt to get a lot of comments (and controversy) on your post?

    PS : I’ve done things a lot worse than this and I’m just a child..(well in comparison to very old 29 year old Dennis)

  14. Tobby
    February 04, 10:04 Reply

    I dnt blame you bro, even d str8 dude also do dis to d ladies, what’s it call # scratch my back, I scratch urs# but to be truthful it isn’t fair.

  15. chuck
    February 04, 11:40 Reply

    How well did Jimmy know you? He just asked to move in like that? And then started bringing women to your place?

    One night of sex is a cheap price for such accomodation.

    • Pink Panther
      February 05, 04:31 Reply

      LOL! Chuck sef. Meaning Dennis should have taken more advantage?

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