RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 47)

RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 47)

My mom and I are close. My dad would always say that my mom and I could plan and overthrow a sitting government and nobody would hear about it. There has however been some strain in our relationship recently, since all she talks about whenever we chat on phone is who got married and who had a baby while I pretend not to know the game she’s playing. Now, one of my favorite things in the world is ugba; I think in English, it is called locust bean. I have been in love with the delicacy since I was a child. I use it in my sauces, stews and soups, plus it is just divine in gravy, which I have often. So whenever my mom goes to the village to see her farm, she always gets the best ones and sends them over to me. There is a driver from Agofure Transport Company who acts as a courier for my mom and I, seeing as he plies the Warri route. The guy and I have even become sort of friends, so much so that whenever I have something to send to my parents, he comes to my house to collect the items personally. And when my mom gives him something for me, he brings it to my house himself. This system ensured I never lacked ugba, fresh pineapples and recently mangoes (my parents have a farm in the village which grows the best mangoes in the world).

So anyway, I was very surprised when she called me the other day and said she was sending me something and that the delivery person would call me when it arrives. I thought it was the driver that we usually used, so I already knew the drill of how the stuff would get to me. My mom however said no, that she’d been too tired to go to the park and she’d just handed the stuff to a friend of hers.

You see, when my mom is up to her tricks, I know. The driver usually goes to her house to collect whatever it is that she wants to send. And since when did she start having friends who deliver parcels? My mom is not exactly a spring chicken anymore and her friends are mostly her age mates. I knew something was brewing, but I did not want to give her the satisfaction of thinking she has made me uneasy. So I told her that I would be waiting for her friend’s call.

Eventually a female voice called me and said my mom gave her something to give me and that she would bring it to where I was as a favor to my mom. My first thought was to decline, seeing as I was home, but I was curious and I told her where I was. When she got off the phone, I quickly ran her number through true caller and got a name which I took to Facebook (this is 2016, and you cannot surprise people anymore, duh). I saw the face of a very beautiful, light-skinned girl on Facebook, whose occupation was stated as nursing. Lol. Typical mummy move, I thought. Because my mom is a nurse and she believes that nurses are the best wives any man could have.

Anyway, I waited for the woman at home. She arrived at nearly 7pm and delivered the parcel. We made small talk. She said she was a nurse and the daughter of my mom’s friend, who was a nurse also. (Some nursing dynasty, eh?). She was clearly impressed with my house, and it was obvious she had done her research about me on social media, because she knew quite a lot. When she began hinting at it getting late (too late to go home), I told her I would drop her off anywhere in this Rivers State tonight. I mean, I said ever so courteously, it was the least I could do, seeing as she went through all this trouble to help deliver my sweet ugba to me.

My mom called the following day to ask if I liked the ugba and the mangoes plus fufu from my step grandma (many people were involved in this conspiracy, it would seem. Even my sister). I played her game, acting all casual, thanking her for the stuff and not mentioning anything about the person who delivered them.

Since then, my new nursing friend has been “in the neighborhood” twice and “just decided to drop by”, and I just look at her and laugh. Truth be told, she is very beautiful, but I truly feel sorry for her and my mom and my sister and my step grand mom (plus all other traitors involved in this scheme). As Owerri people would say: they are knocking on a tipper carrying gravel. Complete waste of time.

*

So I went to NNPC on a work related errand the other day. When I got there, I decided to use the elevator. The elevator looked really rustic, just like most of the building, and it was just the third floor I was going to. But for some reason, I still got into it. Some other guy got in as well and we went up. He tried to make small talk about politics – tried, because I was mostly unresponsive. I have learnt that the people of Rivers State are crazy people; I mean, all of you saw the violent mess that was the elections. So I mostly don’t discuss politics in public, lest I am left with a scar on my face, seeing as my views may not be popular.

Anyway the elevator suddenly stopped halfway with me and this guy inside, and I figured it was some power cut, and that it would move on shortly and we’d be on our way.

But my brothers and sisters, for the next two hours, we were stuck inside that thing and I saw my life gradually flashing before for my eyes. Thankfully it was one of those elevators with door parts that serve as rafts. So we had some air coming in. But I was totally terrified. I kept asking myself why I just didn’t take the stairs as active as I am. I kept thinking of all the people who would mourn me if I died there (lol. Well they say I have an overactive imagination, no?). I thought of PP tearily making an obituary update, and the people that would say I was probably shagging that guy in the elevator before it stopped. lol.

Eventually some sort of workman came with some people and they started trying to pry the door open. We were stuck on the second floor. And this in itself was a good thing, because if we had been in between floors, it would have been impossible to get us out. Eventually they pried the door open, used some iron wedge to hold it and I jumped out, making a mental note never to take the elevator in a Nigerian publicly-owned building ever again.

This is what Ayo Sogunro meant when he said: “Everything in Nigeria will kill you.”

*

On a final note I talked about the emails that I get from some people in trouble and how I keep going to the same people for help. Sometimes I feel completely helpless when someone is in trouble and there is nothing I can do. It almost literally breaks my heart. Life has dealt some people very bad cards. You can imagine when finding food to eat becomes a problem for someone.

I need help, people, and I need some of you to help me. I want some people who can commit to making small contributions monthly to help some of the people who reach out to me. I want to have a number of people who will make a commitment to donating a particular amount of money each month (no matter how small), so that we can do some good and help some LGBT youths in need. Nothing is too small, even if you can commit to 2k monthly. Whatever you can give will go a long way to helping others. I will make the process as transparent as possible and give you people updates as we go. Remember that we can be the answer to the cry of many, and let this become what we are known for – helping the ones who are in trouble.

If this tugs at your heartstrings, please shoot me an email at portharcourt.boi@gmail.com and we will take it from there.

XOXO

DM

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41 Comments

  1. XavierA
    April 20, 07:39 Reply

    DM, this is a great initiative. I also remember sending you an email over 2 weeks ago without a response till date.

    However, with all respect, I believe, apart from money there should be other means of lending a supporting hand. It could be through donating items, moral support etc.

    Trust the average Nigerian to take advantage of anything that involves the Naira and Kobo.

    Well done.

    • Francis
      April 20, 07:47 Reply

      *sighs* this na one of my fears. Nigerians can like to misbehave when free money is involved ??

    • Dennis Macaulay
      April 20, 08:15 Reply

      Xavier

      So sorry, maybe your mail got lost in spam. I personally reply every mail as soon as I see them. Could you please send me another mail?

      • XAVIERA
        April 20, 10:09 Reply

        Hi DM,

        I just sent you another mail (inclusive of my previous one).

        Cheers mate.

  2. MOLUE
    April 20, 07:42 Reply

    The first on got me in stitches. Your own gay no be here walahi. Such a huge balls. I might make use of some. I love you Dennis.

  3. Francis
    April 20, 07:45 Reply

    ????????? so you too dey fear to die.

    I really need to check out this Tru caller app again

  4. Pink Panther
    April 20, 07:48 Reply

    And who told you I will tearily update anything? Mbok, with dry eyes, I will give you a small space in the KD Public Announcement, and move on to the main update of the day. 😀

  5. Mitch
    April 20, 07:50 Reply

    Seems deviousness runs in the Macaulay family genes. Your mum’s attempt was quite covert but as my people also say, it takes a thief to catch a thief. Wehdone!

    And you berra do something about your paranoia oh. We don’t want nobody competing with our own Doc Francis.

    • Francis
      April 20, 07:56 Reply

      ???? Ain’t nobody coming for my crown. ?

    • Dennis Macaulay
      April 20, 08:17 Reply

      Check the dictionary for the word “Paranoia” and you will see a smiling picture of Francis next to it

  6. pete
    April 20, 07:52 Reply

    DM, your mum is right, nurses make the best wives *pops collar*

    As for the contribution, we have already discussed at length & you know where I stand. Please,ensure proper vetting & the people helped should on their own make efforts to be independent & contribute to helping others too.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      April 20, 08:19 Reply

      I know! Thank you for all the times you have come through in the past, but I will still come and meet you again ooo

      Because you want to marry nurse we will not hear word abi? Mstchew! Meanwhile shey I go be grooms man? No try yourself ooo 😒😒😒

  7. Mandy
    April 20, 07:53 Reply

    I would have probably been among those who’d say u shagged that guy in the elevator before you two now coman die. Even now, I was hoping for that story to end with you twoe xchanging a quick kiss as a shared bond over your near death experience. 😀 What? It’s the way Hollywood would tell it.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      April 20, 08:20 Reply

      You see why you won’t enter the kingdom of god? Your heart is full of impurities!

      Tsk Tsk

  8. Too clean
    April 20, 09:31 Reply

    Lol,DM…Your mum is like my dad ooo

    That awkward moment when you’re in the office chilling under the cool Ac,you get a text message from your Dad forwarding a wedding invite from his friend inviting him to his friend’s sons wedding (smh) and you know he’s not actually inviting you but just trying to pass a message.

    I am not even gonna acknowledge that message.In fact,I didn’t see the message sef on my phone..Lol

    Dm,biko I don’t do emails ooo as regards the assistance matter..i am always in….

  9. Keredim
    April 20, 10:40 Reply

    Well “Helloooooo Nurse” (From Pinky & the Brain)

    I love the way you have introduced us to your new love interest…

    So we wouldn’t be surprised when you annonce your wedding.
    ????

    • Colossus
      April 20, 10:57 Reply

      Hahahahahaha. Oh kere, evil is thy name. Are you saying he’ll bow to pressure and marry the nurse? ☕☕☕☕

      • Keredim
        April 20, 11:07 Reply

        Who says he hasn’t already? Remember this is bi-weekly….??????

    • JustJames
      April 20, 12:58 Reply

      Not pinky and the brain.. It’s Animaniacs.

      • Francis
        April 20, 13:04 Reply

        *silently tugs at grey strands of hair*

      • Keredim
        April 20, 13:18 Reply

        Opps you’re right @James. Same program though.

        Got a bit mixed up??

  10. Colossus
    April 20, 11:00 Reply

    Your fitfam badge should be revoked. So shikili third floor and you took the elevator? Tsk Tsk, stop eating all that cheese.

  11. A-non
    April 20, 11:34 Reply

    The length parents go to on this marriage matter. Half the men in our village meeting have been told by my father to search for a wife for his son.

    With regards to the contributions, my fears are same as expressed by a few people already: ensuring it doesn’t get abused.

    Not sure how this will work but is it possible for those who run their own businesses to place adverts on this site? Can job ads be made available on this site to reduce dependence on others? Can does who run businesses willingly take up some of these guys for training?

    These are only suggestions to empower people. The wealthier a Nigerian gay man is, the better for him – handouts vindicate society’s prejudice. I’ll leave the details of how these initiatives can run to admin.

    • Francis
      April 20, 11:38 Reply

      Sounds good but na to find out how the likes of TIERs does it. I just dey see all manners of Kito happening with this suggestion. ???

      • A-non
        April 20, 12:12 Reply

        No vex Francis, I no think reach that side.

        Oh well…

  12. Keredim
    April 20, 12:04 Reply

    DM, the people asking you for help, is it financial assistance they mostly ask for?

    • Dennis Macaulay
      April 20, 13:07 Reply

      Mostly financial assistance. Some are just looking for a friend to share their struggles with, some are dealing with health challenges.

      I don’t know how this will work and I am open to ideas, but I wish we could have a fund which anybody can contribute to and we can use the funds for interventions.

      • Keredim
        April 20, 13:20 Reply

        Well the financial assistance part i share the concerns of others.. Na Naija.

        • Dennis Macaulay
          April 20, 14:11 Reply

          True but in this particular case I did my homework. I met up with him and saw things for myself

          • A-non
            April 20, 15:38 Reply

            You met with him and saw things for yourself?

            Does he have a semblance with Korede Bello? Mind sharing the outcome of the meeting?

  13. BRYANNN
    April 21, 16:01 Reply

    A-non…….You just cwazy aswear!!!!!!……..he was talking about meeting someone and you’re asking whether he bore striking semblance with Korede??? here is Korede come and take biko!!! LOL

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