So my friend and I were gisting recently and he asked me to do something. I responded that baby boys don’t do that. He replied with, “At your age, you are calling yourself a baby boy. You don’t know that you are old?” I laughed in his face and told him that Baby-Boy-ness has nothing to do with age; it’s a way of life. I went on to list prominent members of the Baby-Boy-Club in Nigeria, men like Richard Mofe Damijo, Ibe Kachikwu and the Ooni of Ife (forget that he married a bleached-out airhead who shits on gender equality while being a woman).

Anyway, as the President of the Baby Boys Club (Port Harcourt chapter) and a member of the national executive committee, I decided to do a post on what it means to be a baby boy. So please enjoy. (no curse me abeg, edakun)

  1. You must dress the part. I am not talking about wearing all the expensive clothes you can find at Ojuelegba market and be looking like KCee the singer. Your clothes must evoke class, character and a bit of eccentricity. People have to wonder about why you have the guts to dress the way you do. Sha, don’t make the look comical abeg. The key is personal style and not costume.
  2. Fitness is key. There are no fat baby boys – Ever! (If you get fat, we send you to the LONDON branch). This is not amala gang biko. So you have to take fitness very seriously. Lothario is about to be kicked out of the club because his tummy is just getting bigger and bigger; he can move to the sugar daddies club abeg. Find something that works for you and that you enjoy. The options are limitless; running (smiling and waving at PP), cycling, swimming, dancing etc, whatever that can whip you into shape. Just be consistent with it. And please, after each workout (which you will do in color coordinated workout gear), make sure you torment your followers on Instagram and others with millions of pictures of you working out. Sha don’t be like those people who go to gym in the latest Nike gear and spend the whole time taking pictures. I refuse to name names, you know yourself.
  3. You must have a thing. By ‘thing’, I mean a hobby that you are known for. It could be books (*waves again*), movies (hello Deola), music, art, whatever it is that catches your fancy. It makes for great conversation starters and generally makes you more interesting. Let’s face it, nobody wants a boring guy, and a baby boy cannot be boring.
  4. Hold your ears while I say this. You must read! You will read any and everything at your disposal; news, politics, entertainment and even celebrity gossip. You don’t want to be at a party or event and a topic comes up and you are mum. Baby Boys know bits of a lot of stuff and can hold their ground wherever. Except of course you want to be Seyi Shay.
  5. You have to be out and about o, every weekend. You cannot be Baby-Boy-ing in your room na. You have to attend all the happening events in your city and network while having pretentious conversations. At these events, always look up stuff and have them ready to discuss at events. Did you guys see the Hillary Clinton acceptance speech? Who saw the new Game Of Thrones episode yesterday? Make sure you use big words and say silly things like “Literature must by all means be exclusionary.” The bottom line is that people have to remember you even after you’ve left.
  6. Keep your relationships off social media. Baby Boys are like President Buhari; they belong to everybody but belong to nobody. Everybody must think they have a chance with you; keep them engaged but never commit to anything (sha don’t let your bae catch you o). Bikokwa, before the slut police will coman read me my rights, I did not say cheat on your bae o! I only said keep your relationship out of the social media.
  7. You must travel. But if you are like me that our bank akant has refused to allow us be great, then take local trips. You must not go to Mykonos to have fun (*dabs tear with tissue*). Find exotic places within and around your city to visit. While you are at it, make sure your friends are very jealous of all your pictures and they will wish they came along with you.
  8. The official uniform of Baby Boys is agbada (forget all that demon slander, it is chewing gum boys who started it). Therefore you must own several different colors of it; white, pink (yes, you read right), blue etc. And you must learn how to maneuver the excess fabric with dexterity. That is the true mark of a baby boy.

When you fulfill all these requirements, then send me an email accompanied with two noods (I have to see you very well na), and then we can discuss your membership.

XOXO

Dennis Macaulay BFR

#BabyBoyOfTheFederalRepublic

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