RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 52)

RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 52)

So my friend and I were gisting recently and he asked me to do something. I responded that baby boys don’t do that. He replied with, “At your age, you are calling yourself a baby boy. You don’t know that you are old?” I laughed in his face and told him that Baby-Boy-ness has nothing to do with age; it’s a way of life. I went on to list prominent members of the Baby-Boy-Club in Nigeria, men like Richard Mofe Damijo, Ibe Kachikwu and the Ooni of Ife (forget that he married a bleached-out airhead who shits on gender equality while being a woman).

Anyway, as the President of the Baby Boys Club (Port Harcourt chapter) and a member of the national executive committee, I decided to do a post on what it means to be a baby boy. So please enjoy. (no curse me abeg, edakun)

  1. You must dress the part. I am not talking about wearing all the expensive clothes you can find at Ojuelegba market and be looking like KCee the singer. Your clothes must evoke class, character and a bit of eccentricity. People have to wonder about why you have the guts to dress the way you do. Sha, don’t make the look comical abeg. The key is personal style and not costume.
  2. Fitness is key. There are no fat baby boys – Ever! (If you get fat, we send you to the LONDON branch). This is not amala gang biko. So you have to take fitness very seriously. Lothario is about to be kicked out of the club because his tummy is just getting bigger and bigger; he can move to the sugar daddies club abeg. Find something that works for you and that you enjoy. The options are limitless; running (smiling and waving at PP), cycling, swimming, dancing etc, whatever that can whip you into shape. Just be consistent with it. And please, after each workout (which you will do in color coordinated workout gear), make sure you torment your followers on Instagram and others with millions of pictures of you working out. Sha don’t be like those people who go to gym in the latest Nike gear and spend the whole time taking pictures. I refuse to name names, you know yourself.
  3. You must have a thing. By ‘thing’, I mean a hobby that you are known for. It could be books (*waves again*), movies (hello Deola), music, art, whatever it is that catches your fancy. It makes for great conversation starters and generally makes you more interesting. Let’s face it, nobody wants a boring guy, and a baby boy cannot be boring.
  4. Hold your ears while I say this. You must read! You will read any and everything at your disposal; news, politics, entertainment and even celebrity gossip. You don’t want to be at a party or event and a topic comes up and you are mum. Baby Boys know bits of a lot of stuff and can hold their ground wherever. Except of course you want to be Seyi Shay.
  5. You have to be out and about o, every weekend. You cannot be Baby-Boy-ing in your room na. You have to attend all the happening events in your city and network while having pretentious conversations. At these events, always look up stuff and have them ready to discuss at events. Did you guys see the Hillary Clinton acceptance speech? Who saw the new Game Of Thrones episode yesterday? Make sure you use big words and say silly things like “Literature must by all means be exclusionary.” The bottom line is that people have to remember you even after you’ve left.
  6. Keep your relationships off social media. Baby Boys are like President Buhari; they belong to everybody but belong to nobody. Everybody must think they have a chance with you; keep them engaged but never commit to anything (sha don’t let your bae catch you o). Bikokwa, before the slut police will coman read me my rights, I did not say cheat on your bae o! I only said keep your relationship out of the social media.
  7. You must travel. But if you are like me that our bank akant has refused to allow us be great, then take local trips. You must not go to Mykonos to have fun (*dabs tear with tissue*). Find exotic places within and around your city to visit. While you are at it, make sure your friends are very jealous of all your pictures and they will wish they came along with you.
  8. The official uniform of Baby Boys is agbada (forget all that demon slander, it is chewing gum boys who started it). Therefore you must own several different colors of it; white, pink (yes, you read right), blue etc. And you must learn how to maneuver the excess fabric with dexterity. That is the true mark of a baby boy.

When you fulfill all these requirements, then send me an email accompanied with two noods (I have to see you very well na), and then we can discuss your membership.

XOXO

Dennis Macaulay BFR

#BabyBoyOfTheFederalRepublic

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Previous THE DIARY OF A NIGERIAN FUCKBOY (Entry 5)
Next ‘God will finish the job’: Texas pastor prays for Orlando survivors to die

About author

You might also like

Series (Non-Fiction) 23 Comments

The Bottom Chronicles (Entry 3)

He took his time. From my lips, to my neck – he actually licked my pits, something I found revolting and yet stimulating. Down my nipples he went – biting,

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Series (Non-Fiction) 84 Comments

Under Construction

Things don’t fall apart, no. They rearrange themselves into something new; something uncertain. I used to think I had life pretty much figured out, but these days, I’m not so

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Series (Non-Fiction) 101 Comments

RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 1)

My leave approval came through on the 10th of December and I had never been more excited to see an email (except of course, credit notification emails from GTBank). I

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

40 Comments

  1. DI-NAVY
    June 22, 09:25 Reply

    That’s too vain abeg however a baby boy without money doesn’t fit in.

  2. DI-NAVY
    June 22, 09:28 Reply

    Most baby boys live a plastic life style . A fake one @ that. I refuse to be in the group. I’ll pass
    .lol

  3. Mandy
    June 22, 09:34 Reply

    LOL! So you decided to let go of the serious activist and play in today’s entry, eh DM? Baby boys club indeed. Sorta like Sorority club in American high school. Y’all be full of your plastic selves.

    Make sure you use big words and say silly things like “Literature must by all means be exclusionary.”

    That line killed me. LOL!!!

  4. pagxy
    June 22, 09:42 Reply

    Had a big smile on my face while reading this n was laughing out loud I saw d humour in this write up sha more palm wine to ur lips

  5. Kasper
    June 22, 09:49 Reply

    This is was just a total bore-fest bro. Stop trying too hard!

  6. #Chestnut
    June 22, 10:19 Reply

    lol. Dennis so u want to turn all of us into “Dennis clones” and “Macaulay mini-mes” ehkwa? but not everybody knows how to be pretentious nah. and pls leave us with our fat stomachs; God loves all his children! *tongue out *

  7. bruno
    June 22, 10:36 Reply

    my i.q just dropped by like 10 points from reading this meaningless post

    • Dennis Macaulay
      June 22, 10:47 Reply

      Eya! Ma binu! Next time we won’t let that happen ??

      Signed
      Dennis Macaulay BFR

  8. KingBey
    June 22, 10:38 Reply

    Dennis be making me to spill my Cold Stone this hot Summer afternoon. Hilarious piece. Laughed all through.
    PS: DM, Ikago nka. Iñachasigo ka akwa. Let it go….you’re old. Leave children of under 25 for this one. ????? *returns to Cold Stone cup*

      • Pink Panther
        June 22, 10:49 Reply

        Nwokem, he speaks the truth. Ikago nka. Meanwhile, the almighty 3-0 is still loading. *polishing off my dedication story with an evil grin*

        • Dennis Macaulay
          June 22, 11:15 Reply

          Darling PP you know we don’t have to be savages eh kwa, we can reach a compromise on that story you are writing

      • KingBey
        June 22, 12:09 Reply

        Biko stop running around and coman join us on the retirement couch. ???

  9. Terra
    June 22, 11:19 Reply

    Being a baby boy seems like entirely too much work abeg. Kilode? I’ll just stick to being the weird chubby nerd, thank you very much

  10. Colossus
    June 22, 11:20 Reply

    Hahahahahaha. Well well well, who knew Dennis can at least try to be funny. Thank God for shows such as Veep, it’s helping you learn humour.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      June 22, 11:32 Reply

      I will soon delete that crap from my drive. Claire Underwood is my spirit animal ???

  11. Silver Cat
    June 22, 11:43 Reply

    different strokes for different folks mbok.
    DM I’ve told U before that I love the air of sophistication U exude be it fake or real as some have said. I was taking serious notes oh. I think I have ticked off all the boxes except the Agbada bit. Can U furnish me with Ur tailors number?

  12. Kenny
    June 22, 11:52 Reply

    DM! You shady minx! Jamming people with trailer left and right in this post ???. *Bookmarks post to read every morning*
    #Imustbeababyboy.

  13. posh6666
    June 22, 12:56 Reply

    Basically mean/plastic high school girls kind of lifestyle…Its really exhausting abeg just be ur real fabulous self and those who think u are awesome will always do! Btw allow Teflondon rest in peace abeg i saw his shade????

  14. pete
    June 22, 15:14 Reply

    Baby boy of the federal Republic, no thanks. I’ll pass.

  15. Kingsley Ojobo
    June 22, 19:11 Reply

    Jesus Christ of Nazareth! What is happening here? I never knew this kind of blog existed o. Wait, is this in Nigeria? Homo blog? Wow? I have nothing against you guys though, but I am just surprised. What does it even feel like?

  16. Brian Collins
    June 22, 20:48 Reply

    This was such a fun read. Not everyone can be a BabyBoy though. *singing* I can’t change, even if I tried.

  17. Lorde
    June 22, 22:56 Reply

    Lol I love this piece, something to take our minds of the recent tragedies fr a bit, I basically do almst all of these…well except the ” ‘frequent’ out and abouts”….. and uhhh……yea *runs of to tailor Goodluck’s shop for agbada in all our flag colours*

  18. peaches
    June 24, 02:43 Reply

    Yaz… that z where I belong. Although I dnt have to chip into every tinie winie conversation. sometimes I just sit cross-legged and watch the minors feel important. sometimes, I just stare expressionless even tho I have words that’ll make a sister give up her will to live. But DM u re bae. Nice piece.

Leave a Reply