Seriously, Who Made These Rules?

Seriously, Who Made These Rules?

FOREWORD: It gives me pleasure when someone not driven by testosterone writes for KD. Below is an offering from Django, one out of the three ladies who made me realize that we have females skulking amongst us. Lol. Read and share your thoughts.

*

I loved Jamie Fox and Kerry Washington in Django Unchained; that’s how I coined my moniker years back. I’m currently in the paramilitary and in active service of the nation; in other words, I’m a Youth Corper, serving within trekking distance from Niger Republic, and I’m anxiously counting down to my POP by May 2016.

I have always lived a careful and yet carefree life as a ‘masculine woman’, not a tomboy o (the public, excuse me), trying to find a balance with my personality and the tailoring of my appearance to suit the feminine style for the work place. Who made this rule? My hair is getting re-grown, my suits are a little tighter, makeup is something I refuse to discuss with you, and my shoes… Somebody, help! I can’t wear female shoes. *wailing uncontrollably*

Seriously, who made these rules?

Back in the university, my lecturers would always ask, “Django, you know you have to get female suits if you want to survive in the banking industry, right? It’s a competitive sector and only the most elegant and glamorous looking girls make it in the finance world”

You know what follows? Depression. Every fucking time. How is it possible that I can’t wear loose-fitting clothes and still look cool in the eyes of these people? What are the odds I want to go about looking like Portia de Rossi on the carpet when I can easily look like ED? Why can’t I wear a male TM Lewis shirt and a Mozarro suit to the office? Why can’t I wear any pair of shoes I please? They’re all still made for the corporate world… But no, I’m a woman and should do as other women do.

Okay, okay, I get it. I’m re-growing my hair and on the lookout for girly shoes (Thanks a lot for all your love and compassion in my life). Since I have to earn a salary and live far away from my folks, I should wear what others are wearing too, right? Who even made that rule? Don’t worry, I’ll try not to go bat-shit crazy when someone yaps about how beautiful I look in makeup and heels. *dabs teary eye with tissue*

I mean, I don’t keep my pubic hairs and pack non-existent dicks, but I love them male jeans and clothes. I also use Men Only perfumes and I’m not dead yet.

I’m a woman (if the flat boobs, flat ass, muscly build, wide feet and permanent stony and cold-looking countenance all count). I love to clean up my surrounding, especially my personal space, aka my room and anywhere else I find myself. I have OCD and people don’t like or come near me for it. I appreciate a clean house, which is the only thing I see and relax my facial muscles a little bit for. I love a clean bathroom and toilet, a clean kitchen too but… I can’t cook. Yes o, I don’t know how to. I have all the kitchen utensils because I hate borrowing those stuffs, my stoves, pots and china wares are always impeccably clean. I had people who cooked and helped me out in the university, but those lessons never stuck. I mean, I once boiled water to prepare oats but settled for orange juice after the output came out disastrous.

Who said Google is your friend? Well, it is…if you’re not asking a stupid and ridiculous question. How can a Nigerian woman not know how to cook? Who asks Google how to boil eggs? Me! I did. And maybe Google was infuriated with the owner of the IP address, seeing as it’s located in Nigeria and all, because once Yours Truly clicked the search button, I’m sure Google decided to fill the results with Nigerian men and women from Nairaland who finished my unconventional, non-conformist and un-African life with insults (well, not me, but the anonymous person who created a thread about boiling eggs), before giving me the damn procedures. They almost had my head! How did they know I was female? I thought guys also ask these things online. Someone even asked why a woman can’t perfectly boil eggs, noodles or oaths (yes o, oat meal was part of it).

Who made this damn rule? I mean, seriously!

I can boil eggs now, thanks for asking. Although I ate that particular egg meal half-cooked because my thought then was that the three eggs was consuming too much kerosene. The economy is a serious shit to consider.

Nobody questions why men can’t cook. But women ‘who will cook for your husband and kids’ is what I hear every day. (Well, here is your nose. I found it in my business again!)

This bothers me just a little because lately, I’ve been thinking about learning how to prepare the easy ones. Ladies have been cooking for me, and I would love to cook for a special someone someday. (I didn’t say today o, before someone will come knocking on the door of my heart).

Everyone says, “Wow! You’re too clever, bright, intelligent and reserved for a girl…”

*rolls eyes in 361 degrees*

“I’ve never met a lady that can think outside the box like you…”

*blank stare*

“You’re too uptight for a woman…”

*furious look*

“Your husband must be a rich and polished man for you to survive with him o…”

*flies to the nearest army barrack, invades their arsenal, loads up guns, flies back home and sprays the motherfucker with bullets from pump action*

Calm down, Django; they think all women aspire to marriage, to bear five kids and swallow analgesics everyday for the rest of their African, feminine, housekeeping lives. Can’t these people see how irritating the idea of getting married immediately after getting basic education is? Can’t I get a job, be independent and live in my cocoon for the rest of my life?

Seriously, who made these rules?

I’d like to have a word with them.

Written by Django

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83 Comments

  1. Mandy
    July 31, 06:04 Reply

    Whoever it is that made these rules, DO NOT (I repeat, DO NOT) reveal yourself. Stay the hell away from Django, if you value your life. The chick doesn’t want to have a word with you. She wants to put you down permanently. 🙂

  2. Max
    July 31, 06:09 Reply

    Omg… Hahahaha hahahahahahaha.. Girl u crazy and I like it.
    This was a nice read.. We need more of this.
    🙂

    • Pink Panther
      July 31, 06:22 Reply

      Yes, as I read it and saw Django’s crazy, i could imagine her being BFFs with you, Max. 🙂

      • Teflondon
        July 31, 06:49 Reply

        **roll eyes**
        Oh here we go again. Ass kissing with no atom of shame whatsoever. ‘I want to build house and live in it with Max’
        ‘Django will make a good bff for Max’
        Get over it already. We get it, your blog needs clowns like Max to survive. Hence the constant ego smooching. Have a little bit of restraint will you? A little twiny tiny bit of restraint won’t hurt you know

        • Pink Panther
          July 31, 06:56 Reply

          I’m so over you, Teflondon. So over you. Keep zinging away.
          And perhaps you need to get friends, then perhaps you’d understand the meaning of the camaraderie that’s going on between me and Max. Not everything is about ass-kissing, darling. Even if that’s what you spend all your life doing. I can imagine the smell of poo must predominantly be on your nose, seeing as you seem to have the patent on ass-kissing.

          • Mandy
            July 31, 07:35 Reply

            LOL. Pinky, how dare you encroach on Teflondon’s ass-kissing territory. Next time, kindly don’t banter with any of the gang on KD. Those who don’t know might think you were ass-kissing.

            • Pink Panther
              July 31, 07:37 Reply

              Oh I’ve noted it…

              Thought about it…

              Put it under advisement…

              And decided that I don’t give a Fuck. 🙂

          • Keredim
            July 31, 12:03 Reply

            Oh PP, you ass licker you.
            Work that tongue, right there.. Right there baby, a bit higher. YES!! YES!!! That is the spot…WORK IT BABY, WORK IT!!!!!
            Lick it good, lick good, lick it like you said you would.
            My neck, my back, my p**sy and my crack

        • Max
          July 31, 07:30 Reply

          Lmao @Fatlondon, you know we’re looking for new recruits for our lipstick gang, but since you & ur petty gang members won’t be able to make the cut, we’ve extended our recruitment process to our LGBT sisters. And Django would make a perfect recruit.

          If you need ur saggy ass to be kissed or licked, go make some friends with real humans.

  3. shuga chocolata
    July 31, 06:14 Reply

    WOW FOUND EVERY WORDING IMPECCABLE .
    NOW I KNOW HOW THE L IN THE LGBT FEELS AND QUESTIONS BEEN ASKED.

  4. Francis
    July 31, 06:19 Reply

    Eeeya. Lovely piece. Society with support of the Bible abi na the other way round, made those rules.

    Sucks but that’s just the way it is. Unless you’re wealthy already, you have to earn a living and not conforming small might hinder that.

    What I do these days is fake it to make dem comfortable and when I become somewhat indispensable, I start to unleash the real me small small. If you don’t like it, goan see the next doc. Lol.

  5. Masked Man
    July 31, 06:20 Reply

    Lol,
    This is so hilarious.
    Tell me where to kiss you.

  6. masonkz
    July 31, 06:33 Reply

    In my conpany, I’ve seen at least 2 ladies who dress like guys…and they get along just fine with everyone. If you know your onions well in a place of work, especially when people have perceived you as being indispensable, then truly no one cares how you wear your clothes, as far as you can dress smart!

    Oh, did I add that those ladies can actually dress better than most guys I’ve seen?? Mhen you should see their expensive TMs alone!

  7. Teflondon
    July 31, 07:09 Reply

    It’s quite refreshing seeing things from a ‘crazy’ (May I add) Lesbain point of view. I like you Django. 🙂

    Needless to say, when I was younger, way younger. I always tot I’ll grow up to marry a cuteish looking tomboy Lesbain. Pleasing my family of marrying a woman whilst also pleasing myself of marrying some close in appearance to my sexual preference. And all our problems would be solved. And we would Live Hapily ever after. How stupid those thoughts were. Lol

  8. KryxxX
    July 31, 07:23 Reply

    Smh! The ironies of life………

    See me dying to wear tight fitting pants, tops nd paint my nails!

    I can kill for some killer heels!

    A sucker for long, luscious hair!

    Always tinkering in d kitchen! I know d way to my man’s heart so well my sisters get jealous!

    Makeup freak i.e. If eyeliner, gloss nd brown powder counts as makeup!

    Meticulous dresser!

    I hate my manly feet!

    The female body is like a wonderland to me! I get jealous of my sister’s Ass. And some idiot would still tell me that my akpu 10 naira ass is too big for a guy! The stare they get! Idiots!

    Female dance moves r everything to me.

    Everything feminine catches my interest i.e. Minus menstruation oh! Lol!

    If I was a girl………….

    **Heavy sigh** The ironies of life.

    • Pink Panther
      July 31, 07:30 Reply

      Indeed. If only God thought to swap you and Django at the beginning of creation. 🙂

      • KryxxX
        July 31, 08:06 Reply

        Abi Pinky! Abi…………. If only he thought……..
        Shaa, Lemme stop the thought b4 I start to think out loud. Wouldn’t want my mumsy to buy my market nd rain million curses on me for wishing she had only my bros nd gals all over! I want her to b d talk of her nwunye di abi.

        But I was a gal eh! Chai!! I go turn heads! I go cause confusion plenty oh!

    • Khaleesi
      July 31, 13:05 Reply

      ohhh Chi m, the beginnings of transitioning to a transgendered woman, na so e dey start …

  9. Mitch
    July 31, 07:27 Reply

    Wow! Django, you just left me totally cracked up. I swear, I haven’t laughed this hard since forever. Thank you.

    And those rules are stupid societal dictates with no base in reality or anything concrete. So, do you sweetie, do you.

  10. Dennis Macaulay
    July 31, 07:33 Reply

    Django this was a hilarious read! My colleagues thought I was going nuts!

    You echoed all my thoughts on the subject and how you manage to deliver a fine yet hilarious argument beats me.

    Good one!

    • Pink Panther
      July 31, 07:36 Reply

      Hi, DM, how’s that your friendship with those lesbian friends of yours coming? 🙂

      • Dennis Macaulay
        July 31, 08:04 Reply

        My dear it was going well until we were out one evening and one of them told me I have pink lips despite being dark skinned, therefore I would have pink pu**y lips and she would love to fuck me with a strap on!

        I did not know how to react to that, so I have been avoiding her calls since then!

        • Pink Panther
          July 31, 08:11 Reply

          Hahahahahahahahaa!!! What are you afraid of, lesbian rape?

  11. sensei
    July 31, 07:36 Reply

    This was hilarious. I enjoyed every line. You are special and wonderful, just as you are. *kiss_hug*

  12. Peak
    July 31, 07:39 Reply

    Ok I love this girl.
    This just had all layers of funny written all over it.
    Its nice to have a shift from the regular program.
    Please do write more love, I was thoroughly entertained and looking forward to getting schooled in what happens in the other part of the estate where boys aren’t allowed.

  13. kacee
    July 31, 07:49 Reply

    *rolls eyes in 361 degrees*
    OMG hahahahaha
    *coughs*
    I love this piece. PP, Max, MM i’m in love *faints in Django arms* i need to kiss this babe o. Its so annoying when i see a male’s shoe and i want one my mum complains (eh eh my mum follows me to the market) “that’s a male shoe” i so hate when she says that, hand bags are the worst, I don’t know who made it compulsory for girls to carry hand bags (hate them) even though i don’t marry i still want kids i want my cute little monsters, maybe one will be as stubborn as max, the other will be as bad as MM the third will be as calm as PP. lmao *runs aways*

    • Masked Man
      July 31, 07:57 Reply

      Kacee boo, where are you getting this idea that I’m bad from?

      You see Max, Eros, Mandy, and all others. Those are the real bad people.

      I’m very good.

      • KryxxX
        July 31, 08:13 Reply

        **Humming to “when breeze go blow”**

        Good ehkwa? O di ok! Isssoright!

        • Masked Man
          July 31, 08:18 Reply

          Shurrup ya mouth dia.

          Yes, I’m good. Won’t you agree?

          • Pink Panther
            July 31, 08:20 Reply

            *looking from Kryxxx to MM back to Kryxxx to MM*
            This tension and chemistry you two are propagating here on KD… Hmm. Motel KD is down the corner o.

            • Masked Man
              July 31, 08:42 Reply

              KD now has a motel? Ha! So Max, Tef and Sinnex can finally have a threesome. Wow! That’s wonderful.

              As for KryxxX, just leave him.

            • KryxxX
              July 31, 11:33 Reply

              Hian!

              Chemistry! Motel! Masked man!

              Lekwa abu m Pinky! Odikwa ocha! Cleanly shaven!Pinky

              The only thing we have is always quarrel!

          • KryxxX
            July 31, 11:37 Reply

            If you r good then behave yaself nd stop embarrassing me! Us! Nwata a na any nti!

      • kacee
        July 31, 08:29 Reply

        Lol, after i read ur comment about that guy with the big ass, i labelled u as one of the bad sweet type. Lol

        • Masked Man
          July 31, 08:44 Reply

          I’m not sure I fit that description.
          Lol
          I can be very bland.

  14. ambivalentone
    July 31, 07:49 Reply

    Well, who says u hafta wear skirts and super long heels??? I see all dem ADCs to VIPs in dem movies looking all tough and I break out in pure unadulterated lust…well if only u r allowed shades at work hahahaha You sound super-smart. You will know what to do. Great penning

  15. Django
    July 31, 08:14 Reply

    Wow! You all received it well *grinning from ear to ear*

    Thanks very much everyone. For not judging me with your comments. You all are far too kind.

    • Pink Panther
      July 31, 08:19 Reply

      You see? So you just must have to keep writing for KD. 🙂

    • Keredim
      July 31, 10:45 Reply

      I love this Django. Hilarious.

      Lap up the applause now. They fatten you up then eat you up later..LOL

      • Masked Man
        July 31, 10:47 Reply

        Keredim, there’s a secret I want to let you in on oh.

        • KryxxX
          July 31, 11:35 Reply

          Ah!

          Egbuo m mmadu! I kill somebody!

          Better behave yourself oh!

            • KryxxX
              July 31, 11:51 Reply

              **singing “somebody wants to die”***

              EVEN if u want to open my nyash, y in public? Maka y na? Don’t take away my small respect on KD ville Biko!

        • Keredim
          July 31, 11:50 Reply

          MM, I am listening. Or do we need to sidebar?

          • KryxxX
            July 31, 11:52 Reply

            You ppl better go side bar Biko! Side bar MM!

        • Keredim
          July 31, 11:56 Reply

          Now I am intrigued. I am open for business on Facebook, or if you want more privacy collect my e-mail from Nwa ada

          • KryxxX
            July 31, 12:06 Reply

            Lol!

            Amebo like you! Carry ur intrigue else where Biko! Nothing for you!

            MM!!!!!!! You see what you have started abi? Make we reach house! Nothing for you tonight!

      • Francis
        July 31, 11:26 Reply

        @Keredim Lmao. I wanted to sound that warning too.

    • JArch
      July 31, 13:13 Reply

      DJ (yes I shortened your name… am lazy like that)

      Totally loved this piece, I know how it feels to be anticipating the reviews of your first published piece.

      You’re just hilarious though. Have you though about taking style tips from Ellen Degeneres and there’s an androgynous model called Azmarie (America’s Next Top Model Cycle 18). Maybe looking at their style of clothes can help you find that perfect balance between masculine and feminine. As for shoes, you’re just going to have to settle for a wedge or flat in terms of work clothes… Pele.

      Also there’s nothing wrong in using a bagpack to work, unless you’re a marketer of course, then you have to dress and use accessories in line with the company policy. If that’s not the case abeg use your bagpack joor. No time

      • Django
        July 31, 18:10 Reply

        Oh, I adore Ellen DeGeneres and everything about her. She’s my role model, from her style, taste, personality and affluence to her wife…hehehehe. She’s the woman I want to be. I have like a hundred pictures of her in suits and her shoes are to die for. My clothes are tailored to at least match her style and I want to believe that Nigerian employers won’t frown at my choice of black suits.

        And no one will catch me dead with a hand bag, even in their dreams.

  16. Colossus
    July 31, 10:47 Reply

    Really lovely read, was grinning from ear to ear. Love your take on humour, you do it effortlessly. Write more, we’ll love to read more, don’t let the big bad wolves scare you, they are all bark and no bite.

  17. Oluwadamilare Okoro
    July 31, 11:30 Reply

    For the first time, I had to scroll down and comment before reading comments.

    This was a very interesting read. I love too much… And yes, who made these damned rules!!!

    I love the fact that Django did not mention anything about her sexual life or sexual urges … GREAT. *men pls learn*

    • Francis
      July 31, 11:39 Reply

      Lmao. Looks like someone has a problem with all the sex talk. Sorry man. Sex still sells big time. Lol

      • Oluwadamilare Okoro
        July 31, 17:07 Reply

        Ahhh. I don’t have a problem with sex… Just including it in stories unnecessarily is what I roll my eyes at.

        • Francis
          July 31, 17:23 Reply

          Aha, I see your point now. I most probably didn’t get to read such posts.

  18. sinnex
    July 31, 12:15 Reply

    Django, this is so beautiful.

    I know just the right biish for you right now. Contact @Masonks for hookup. She is also a CORPER like you in the far North.

    • Tiercel de Claron
      July 31, 18:11 Reply

      Hian
      It’s Corps member,CORPER is not a word.
      Btw,far North bordering Niger ranges from Kebbi to Borno.Pin down the state first before matchmaking

  19. R.A
    July 31, 12:39 Reply

    Nice funny piece, enjoyed it all through and den I saw “ass kissing” una don start? Where did the ass kissing come from? Smh

  20. Khaleesi
    July 31, 12:49 Reply

    Wow … nice piece Django! i honestly do need a Django beard in my life!

    • Django
      July 31, 13:18 Reply

      Mother of Dragons, Django is beard to no one as she doesn’t like the idea of keeping beards cos it may lead to a fake, unhappy and unfulfilled marriage in her life…

  21. rev; hot
    July 31, 13:42 Reply

    Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice… So many voices on this blog

    that’s cool

    *jumps up and down screaming ‘yayyy’*

  22. Ace
    July 31, 14:42 Reply

    Before I read the comments, please can I humbly request we have a Lesbian series on this blog? I am personally curious about the lives of lesbians living in Nigeria. Are they as endangered as gay men? Do they experience kitoes? Do they have similar issues of role labels in their community? I am very curious.

    • Pink Panther
      July 31, 15:58 Reply

      Me too o, Ace. I’ve been advocating here and there for our lesbian KDians to write. They are just not coming forth. At least not after the first two way earlier published. I’m so appreciative of Django. Hopefully this’ll be the first of many.

  23. Ace
    July 31, 14:57 Reply

    Now for my comment on this piece, I loved it! I am always fascinated by lesbians that dress like men and know how to pull it off tastefully. There was one in my school that I always admired because of her dress sense and the way she packed her dreads. Keep it coming Django, you have a fan.

  24. Ven
    July 31, 16:58 Reply

    Good one Django. If you find the maker(s) of the dumbass rules, we can “talk” to him/her/them together.

  25. Absalom
    July 31, 18:13 Reply

    Loved this, Django. You’re unchained! 😀

  26. Posh6666
    August 01, 09:56 Reply

    Nawao person wey get head no get cap!when me am here always imagining and crooning to beyonce’s if i were a boy remix of if i were a girl the way my room will be filled with makeup kits,short skirts,human hair,big black dildos,super high heels,d most fabulous female gowns amongst others.How i will be able to have any man i desired men are that easy to get so long as u have a pussy,how i will have bleached my already fair skin to white and move to abuja and use what have got to get what i want and before 30yrs i would have had a house in eida gwarimpa or asokoro or maitama and be at d helm of a really nice job one of my politician aristos got for me this django is here complaining.I envy and hate my sisters most times especially d one. That isnt bothered bout makeup nor fashion in my mind i will be like bitch i wish i had ur life!ok am tired of typing my bp is rising

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