SHIT HAPPENS

SHIT HAPPENS

Shit happens.

Literally.

Sometimes, it really does.

I should know; I’m the one with the testimony.

The love interest in this story is named Segun, an old friend with benefits of mine who I got to know during his NYSC year as a staff of a bank four years ago. Then he finished with his service, got retained by the bank, and was subsequently transferred to a branch in Asaba. After his transfer, we didn’t stay as much in touch; just the occasional hello on BBM and exchange of comments on Facebook.

Then a few months ago, our communication was revitalized. We started chatting a lot more regularly on BBM, trading stories of our individual lives, reminiscing on our shared history, and anticipating a future meet. Our regular chats awakened the chemistry we had for each other, and it wasn’t long before we started making plans to hook up again. I had the more flexible working hours, so the plan was settled that I’d go visit him on a weekend.

The Saturday came, clean and shiny, and I was off around 8am. I got to Asaba in the afternoon, and he drove to the park to pick me up. We were both excited to see each other; he’d gotten finer with the time that had passed and more self assured with the status of a successful banker. I was very attracted to him all over again. Very attracted.

We got to his place and chatted for awhile, catching up some more. There was some making out too, nothing heavy. Just some light cuddling and kissing. We figured we had a whole night to get to the heavy stuff (I was scheduled to return to Lagos the next day).

Then a couple of his friends came over, a tall stringy guy with completely shaved head and a slightly chubby guy with buttocks that bounced with every step he took. The two of them looked to be an item, seeing as they kept canoodling and touching each other during their visit.

As the day wore on and the visit lingered, I began to crave the need to wash up – you know, take my bath and freshen up from my journey. But I was reluctant to interrupt the easy camaderie between the friends to ask Segun to direct me to the bathroom.

Eventually, at some minutes past 6, the duo were ready to leave, and Segun had to see them off. I wasn’t asked to join them and I was grateful for that; I needed the quiet to myself before Segun’s return. But I accosted him as he made to follow them out, asking to be directed to the bathroom so I could have my bath.

At my request, he got this stricken look on his face and said something about how there was no water in the house.

“What do you mean? I have to take my bath. I stink all over!” I wailed.

I mean, the sweat. The entire day. Urgh! This guy had to be kidding.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said assuringly. “When I come back, we’ll figure it out.”

Thereafter, they left and I was home alone. To pass the time, I explored the apartment. I checked out the bedroom, salivated over the large bed, fiddled through the vanity compartment of his closet, and found the bathroom cum toilet. I turned the taps in the sink and by the shower. He hadn’t been kidding; there was no rush of water. In fact, as I roamed the house, I soon got to find out that the only water in the entire apartment was the sachet of pure water that his bouncy-assed friend hadnt finished drinking.

I was not perplexed by this; after all, he’d said he would take care of the situation when he returned.

However, five minutes later, I began to get perplexed. With a provocation that I hadn’t seen coming, my entire alimentary canal suddenly began growling and shoving and pushing.

Oh shit!

Literally!

I tried to ignore the slowly mounting pressure in my bowel by concentrating on the DsTV show that was on, Keeping Up With The Kardashians. But the antics of the Kardashians seemed to be aggravating my system the more, as my bowel kept groaning and my ass kept releasing spurts of fart. I began to get frantic, frequently stealing glances at the wall clock and wondering what Segun was still doing out. I mean, how long does it take to see your friends off abeg?

I could’ve just gone to ease myself, but I’m too well brought up to soil someone’s toilet without flushing it right afterward. The mere thought of me explaining to Segun how there was a dump in his toilet kept me seated, bravely battling my body.

But you see eh, when Nature calls, no Mohammed or Mountain can get in the way. In the battle of wills I was fighting, I eventually lost. I was at this time sweating from the strain of keeping my shit inside. In fact, with each fart I released, I feared that would shatter the hold I had on my bowel.

So I damned my good manners, jumped up from the seat and fled to the bathroom. I was shaking by the time I got there, and I could feel my ass muscles already ejecting the waste in anticipation of my release. I yanked my jeans down and was pulling down my boxers when my shit, as if to teach me a lesson for delaying this, impatiently shoved its way out, spurting and splattering even before I had sat down and aimed my ass into the toilet bowl.

There was shit everywhere! On one leg of my jeans, staining my boxers scatter-scatter, on the toilet seat upon which I was seated, on the tiled floor around the water closet, spattered all around the inside of the toilet bowl, and then settled inside the bowl. As I sat there easing myself, feeling the shame of my stink rise around me, I just wanted to die right then and there.

Finally I was done relieving myself. Then I gingerly got to my feet and looked around, assessing the damage and wondering at a solution. First, I had to save my trousers, seeing as it was the only pair I’d come with. So I manoeuvered my legs out of it, trying hard not to let the shit on the one leg spread anywhere else on it.

My boxers was a goner. I stripped it off and wrapped it inside a nylon I got from the bedroom, before dumping it inside the trash can. Then I retrieved the partly-finished pure water sachet from the living room and began to painstakingly use it to wipe clean the leg of my trousers and the parts of my body that were stained.

Then I sprayed on some perfume, pulled my clothes back on (sans my boxers), picked up my wallet and went out to buy a bag of pure water. When I returned to the house, I used up the entire bag in my efforts to clean up the toilet bowl and flush my shit. The cleaning was well done but the shit wasn’t properly flushed.

But I didn’t care anymore. I was upset, with myself for what I was responsible for, and at Segun for…well, just about everything else. If he’d anticipated my coming well enough to stock up on his water storage, I wouldn’t be in this mess, I told myself, fuelling my displeasure at him.

By the time I was done with my clean-up, even though I looked outwardly okay, I felt very unclean. Grimy. Stinky. With an accumulation of my entire day stamped on every pore on my body.

Segun returned eventually and attempted to take me into his arms for a kiss, but I wouldn’t let him. I couldn’t. I asked about the water and he got that stricken look again, saying he’d forgotten and that there was no getting water that night. Whatever we needed water for would have to wait till the next morning.

Can you believe this guy!

Well, that was it for any intimacy we were hoping to enjoy that night. When I told him we wouldn’t be getting down, he asked why. I told him. He said he didn’t mind. But I minded. I just couldn’t bear the thought of us together – him, me and my unwashed body. He got desperate when he realized I was serious, tried to cajole me. But I was adamant. No clean booty, no sex.

 And that was it for the night. In fact, the entire visit became a bust, because he had to be at work the next day, even though it was Sunday. And I had to journey back to Lagos. He purchased some water in the morning, we took our baths, got dressed, and he drove me to the park in a short ride during which we tried to make up for our loss with conversation and laughter.

As I got into the bus and watched him drive off, I became more aware of what a shitty, shitty visit this hook-up had turned out to be.

Written by Timothy

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32 Comments

  1. Francis
    January 07, 07:52 Reply

    ???????????

    Looks like someone is into dirty sex and didn’t bother to communicate that.

    • ambivalentone
      January 07, 21:10 Reply

      But they’ve had relations prior this meet na. The writer wud av known. But if na the kain shit wey im shit im go like…oh Jesus???

      • Francis
        January 07, 21:16 Reply

        He could have acquired new skills/tastes in the years gone by na ???

  2. .•*Sugaar.•*
    January 07, 08:04 Reply

    Hahahaha omg… Shit happens in deed.
    It wasn’t your fault… can’t stop laughing tho!

  3. Mandy
    January 07, 08:43 Reply

    Nawa o. This Segun is such a terrible host. how could he not anticipate the needs of his visitor with something as basic as water. Simple water. It’s guys like this that won’t even have condom or cream, and will want to fuck you with vaseline they borrowed from the neighbour.

    • hafsah
      January 07, 21:33 Reply

      Hahahaha. Or use groundnut oil, happened to a friend of mine.

  4. Elvis
    January 07, 09:04 Reply

    The Segun wasn’t ready for you one bit.. Such terrible host!! But cos i am such a horny bastard,i would find a way to buy another bag of water and wash up my pussy. I hate wasted journies.

  5. Sinnex
    January 07, 09:23 Reply

    What a vivid story!
    Segun no try at all. He should have made provision for water, at least.

  6. KryxxX
    January 07, 09:28 Reply

    Hah! ?????. This was sad….. Very sad…… And he didn’t even care about the shitty situation.

    ?????????????

  7. BlurryFace
    January 07, 09:30 Reply

    so folks I guess making sure your host has enough water is a priority.

  8. KryxxX
    January 07, 09:32 Reply

    And the pictures that was shaa used…….. Doesn’t look shitty to me cha cha. Positively titillating! ??????????????.

    Goals!

  9. Dubem
    January 07, 09:34 Reply

    As I got into the bus and watched him drive off, I became more aware of what a shitty, shitty visit this hook-up had turned out to be.

    Shitty visit both figuratively and literally. ????????

  10. Mitch
    January 07, 10:58 Reply

    ????????

    Shit truly does happen!

  11. ambivalentone
    January 07, 11:01 Reply

    When the whole thing becomes even messier, he’d be the first to tattle. Wo, u r better off jare. Much better off

  12. Canis VY Majoris
    January 07, 11:03 Reply

    LMAO…He said he didn’t mind, that should also reveal somethings about him. I think you dodged some bullets and didn’t even know it.

  13. Jazo
    January 07, 11:30 Reply

    LMAO. Timothy, you definitely dodged a bullet with that one. Nevertheless, really funny story.

  14. Tali
    January 07, 12:27 Reply

    Lmfao ? this is really funny.

  15. Lorde
    January 07, 12:42 Reply

    I totally blame segun, it’s no one’s fault but hs, I alwz make sure there’s water b4 getting down, you never knw H many times you’d do it

  16. Delle
    January 07, 12:44 Reply

    ??????
    I just kept on flinching and wincing as I read through this. Lol. So graphic!
    Segun isn’t serious shaa. What rubbish?!

    Water is a prerequisite for gay sex, who doesn’t know this?! Sorry Timothy, the shame. Choi.

  17. Jide
    January 07, 12:45 Reply

    Even if Segun wasn’t expecting a guest, it’s really awful to note that he didn’t even have any water in the house for himself to bathe that night, or even if he doesn’t bathe at night, (which would be quite filthy and lazy of him), he should have had a keg somewhere for emergency.

    He’s a very dirty guy abeg.

  18. promise4all
    January 07, 14:22 Reply

    He really wanted to fuck a bucketload of shit outta yo ass. Did you also study an accounts related course? One of my friends once said that accountants measure money with measuring tape and seeing as segun is a banker I believe he is from the innermost part of Ijebuland.

  19. y
    January 07, 19:23 Reply

    Maybe he’s into scat…

  20. Simba
    January 07, 20:25 Reply

    Abeg… No food or even water to drink??? Ahhh, no flushing the toilet after peeing or shitting… Hmmmm

  21. hafsah
    January 07, 21:39 Reply

    No one should judge segun, we all have our kinks and fetishes. His just happens to be fucking guys with shit in their asses.

  22. Fresh
    January 07, 22:50 Reply

    Am about to throw up. Shit really happens

  23. Haiku
    January 08, 12:41 Reply

    The shittiest hook-up ever. What has Asaba done to Segun?

  24. Gag
    January 08, 15:25 Reply

    Also, did you have anything to eat In segun’s house at all??

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