SOMETHING THAT GIVES YOU JOY

SOMETHING THAT GIVES YOU JOY

It’s been a couple of years since my parents started nagging me over the issue of marriage. I hadn’t even got a job the first time they brought it up. I suppose a bunch of factors contributed to their hastiness, one of them being that I am the first child. And another being that I lost one of my brothers to a violent death some years ago, and on some deep level, his demise serves as a constant reminder to my parents that life is too short. My brother’s death serves as a reminder to me too, that life is too short. And my parents and I interpret this reminder in ways that differ, one from the other.

It makes me want to live my life according to my own dictates.

It makes them want me to get settled fast – a wife and kids in quick succession.

And a couple of years ago, when I was unemployed and they brought up the issue of marriage, despite my aversion to their concerns, I very kindly offered them an excuse – my lack of employment. That seemed to grant me a reprieve from their agitation.

Then I got a job. And they called again.

This time, I gave the excuse of finding suitable accommodation. For a while, that excuse worked. For a while. And then, they started bugging again. My mother suggested we at least begin the journey – find a woman, marry her, and God would surely provide. My father offered to help with the search for a suitable woman, if perhaps I was too busy to find one.

At first, my response to their badgering was polite declination. My patience however quickly wore thin, especially when my father started talking about the one or two young women whose families he’d been to see to drop hints about a possible betrothal. That riled me in no small way, and being the outspoken son that I am, I didn’t hesitate to let him know what I thought about that. I reminded him of the stories he’d told us, his children, years ago of the time he reached marriageable age and his family started offering women to him to marry, offers he turned down because he wanted to find his own wife.

“You eventually found her, dad,” I pointed out sharply. “You found her, you married her, and your pet name for her is ‘Choice,’ because she was your choice. Kindly refrain from taking my own choice away from me.”

That effectively silenced my father on that subject.

And then, there was my mother.

The woman nagged and cajoled and complained, using every weapon she could produce from her maternal arsenal in her effort to get me to cede some control over my life to her.

“You children are not giving me joy,” she groused during a particular phone call. “Both you and your sisters and brother, you are just not making me happy. You are not giving me joy at all.”

Recognizing the guilt she was trying to inflict me with, I very calmly returned, “Mummy, find something else that will give you joy. Something. Anything. Forget your children and find something that will give you joy.” In the shocked silence that followed my reprimand, I continued, “If grandchildren are what you so desire, take my younger brother. He lives under your roof, he is very virile and you are always complaining about the girls that are always flocking around him. Well then, marry one of those girls for him, and do the family thing for him. If that is what will give you joy, get him settled and get your grandchildren from him. And then, let me be.”

That aftermath of my chastisement was the cold war my mother thereon waged on me. I’m still working on thawing the ice.

But you see, I’m too concerned with the things that give me joy to let all this bother me too much. I love my parents, I love my family, but I love me more. Ironically, I do want the same thing that they do – my own children. I love kids, and I’d like to have some of mine someday. I just don’t want to have them through marriage with an unsuspecting heterosexual woman. If I lived abroad – or eventually find myself in the West – I’ve always believed I’d go about getting my child through unconventional means.

But I’m in Nigeria, and the option I’m seriously considering is something contractual with a lesbian, where sentiments are set aside and an understanding will be met. Because, at the end of the day, I do want to be a father. I want to be responsible for a miniature version of me, to feel crushing pride at the burst of my child’s intelligence, to raise my voice in reproval when he errs, to pull her into an embrace when she’s unhappy, to feel his joy, to guide her fumbling steps to maturity.

I want fatherhood. That gives me joy. But I do not want it at the cost that my parents – and by extension, society – are demanding. Life may be acceptable with its joys and mistakes and delights and regrets. But woe is he who lives his life regretting the decisions he knows he had the choice not to make.

Written by JBoy

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96 Comments

  1. Dennis Macauley
    December 13, 06:36 Reply

    “I love my family, but I love me more”

    This phrase is everything! I can kiss you right now!

    I am with you on this! Except ofcourse the part about kids and a “contractual” marriage!

    • Arabian Princess
      December 13, 08:14 Reply

      DM, I pray that one day a cute little child would come your way…

      …and well, you’ll have no choice but to love him/her

      #runs off

      • Dennis Macauley
        December 13, 08:48 Reply

        Contrary to what you think I love kids! I volunteer with Keeping it real foundation and we help homeless kids!

        I love and spend time with my nieces and nephews as mischievous as they are! LOL! I play with kids alot, as long as I have to hand them back to their parents when am done!

        I just don’t want any kids of my own! Its not on my bucketlist! I can have 16 dogs and 12 cats, but no kids please!

    • xpressivejboy
      December 14, 07:36 Reply

      DM, thanks *still expecting the kiss*, but you’ve got to think of having a daughter with those lovely smiles of yours cum those piercing eyes and give guide to her fumbling feet to maturity; one who would write a beautiful piece better than her Dad would always do, even when he does well with a pen.

      I love pets; I’m a great lover of dogs, but I really do want to have adorable kids (2 at least).

  2. Deola
    December 13, 06:56 Reply

    My thoughts about marriage is exactly what is written here. I love kids I want two or three of mine, but not at the expense of some unsuspecting heterosexual woman. I was raised to respect women for the beautiful creatures they are and I cant bring myself to pull a stunt like marrying one.
    The only way my situation and yours differs is that my parents already have a grandkid, and while I am the the first boy, i am not the only boy, so that gives me some breathing space.
    I just hope that when the wedding issue comes up, I have half the balls to stand up to my parents like you did. Seriously dude, huge respect!!

    • xpressivejboy
      December 14, 07:43 Reply

      Deola, the strength is in you already…but you’ve got be subtle at it.

      I was pushed too hard and I had to be tough, gone are the days I tho’t sucidal.

      Deola, you sure will be fine…we all shall.

  3. iduke
    December 13, 07:03 Reply

    X pressive jboy. Seems we share parents. Lol. Geez my mum can nag for Africa on this subject shaa. But I haven’t even crossed the age yet . Proud of u be. Hope u find a way around this. As I’m

  4. Max
    December 13, 07:04 Reply

    This is the best marriage piece I’ve read…
    Love love it…
    My best line is “love my parents, I love my family, but I love me more.”
    This is just me 100%… This piece got me…
    Smiling here…
    You just made a brother happy this morning

  5. Masked Man
    December 13, 07:10 Reply

    Five guys and am the last.
    No pressure. Mum knows she can’t pressurize me. I’ll just be the next Simon Cowell.

  6. law
    December 13, 07:12 Reply

    Mehn…. u tried, am just 22, and my mum has already brought up the issue of marraige, she started it on my convocation. … My family is quite rich, am d only boy and av got three sisters, plus am the second born. My dad is no more…. So I can understand my mum, she is the type that wont hesitate to fund my marraige, two weekends back wen I went home to visit cus am serving in abuja now, she said I shud b bringing my girlfriend back with me, let her be accessing her….. I was shocked! And I was like mum, I dnt av a girlfriend. …. she was like I shud goan look for, wat am I waiting for… that am already matured and the time for marraige is near… like seriously am just 22 and my mum is already making plans ….. God help me!

    • KingBey
      December 14, 09:08 Reply

      Oh your family is rich? Mmmmmmm….*puts on my gold-digging boots* Nna, on a more serious note….hope you don’t go about saying your rich…you can say comfortable….this is Nigeria ooo….maka ndii Adultnappers.

  7. Dennis Macauley
    December 13, 07:16 Reply

    I dread my mom’s phone calls cos somehow she finds a way to interject this issue!

    That nurse I talked about is now doing her nysc in PH and my mom in all her sweetness always gives the poor girl something to give me when she is on her way to PH! Which is funny cos they are things I can always get myself!

    I ofcourse always meet her in a QSR and collect the thing and make excuses about going back to work and run away! The poor girl is in on it and I feel sorry for her!

    I don’t want kids, can’t I just be happy, single and walk my dogs every morning??

    • kritzmoritz
      December 13, 20:53 Reply

      Lol… Not wanting kids is an option too. The only reason why I would vote for a marriage is because I dread growing old alone, weak and at the mercy of others. I choose to hedge my risks like this

    • zero
      December 14, 07:29 Reply

      Bro wake up and stop leaving an imaginary life

  8. FKA Chizzie
    December 13, 07:55 Reply

    I want kids…but I don’t think I can bring myself to actually sleeping with a woman. its just dt vagina is just the ugliest thing ever. I can puke if I stare at it long enough. And I’m an only son.. Sometimes I just want to run away when I think abt having to get married to a woman someday- lesbian or not.

      • Max
        December 13, 08:11 Reply

        That sh*t is ugly as hell.. Its one of the most disgusting things to think about..

      • KingBey
        December 14, 09:11 Reply

        I love vaginas abeg….I actually eat them out too…..(tastes like salted Rae beef) as long as she washes it well…..bikokwa !

    • Deola
      December 13, 08:25 Reply

      Lol @ vagina phobia…just incase there was any doubt that y’all aren’t gay!

  9. Ace
    December 13, 07:56 Reply

    In other news, one of my uncles called me some days ago to ask me if i had finished my first degree. I replied in the affirmative and that i am currently furthering here in the US. The next thing he did was to start telling me about one girl from a good home that he wants to hook me up with. “She is a sweet fine girl” he said,”You will like her”. I felt so nauseated at the thought of marriage and fear
    that when i reach that age, my parents no go let me here word.

  10. FKA Chizzie
    December 13, 08:00 Reply

    and actually glad dt a certain someone is back.

    Thats that.

    • Max
      December 13, 08:15 Reply

      #Tom&Jerry Tales

    • Deola
      December 13, 08:23 Reply

      Hmmmm…and the plot thickens.

  11. Arabian Princess
    December 13, 08:22 Reply

    Marriage….no no no no no. my parents are already asking for my girlfriend. They actually think of my bestie, who is a girl, as my girlfriend.lol.they wish

    Kids..yeeeees. I love kids and I want mine and I’ll get them thru surrogates.

  12. Mr Kassy
    December 13, 08:45 Reply

    At a time I thought of marrying a Lesbian too,atleast she will understand.I still think it is an option though!*smiles deeply exposing clean teeth*

  13. Aproko Pikin
    December 13, 08:57 Reply

    Dennis and I both share same thoughts.

    Funny enough, I was on a conference call with my parents on this marriage matter on Wednesday night. I simply told them when i make my decision they’d know. I am 26, plus have a great job. But marriage isn’t in my dictionary.

    I wish I could tell them to forget about me and wait for my two younger brothers!

    • Dennis Macauley
      December 13, 09:08 Reply

      My dear! Its actually funny! My parents have 9 grand kids already! Plus I still have a single older brother!

      They won’t loose if I don’t spew babies!

      • Aproko Pikin
        December 13, 09:19 Reply

        Please give a hint of what you told them Pinky!

        My parents already have a grandson and another child is on the way…

        Maybe I’d just run out of the country… I’m the first son too

  14. michael
    December 13, 09:15 Reply

    OMG! you just exposed all my plans… lol. am an only child which means not getting married is not an option for me….. recently I’ve thought of adoption but my mum, she will be like “why should you adopt if you’ve not tried to have your own”. So am seriously thinking about the contractual thing with a lesbian.

  15. Khaleesi
    December 13, 09:15 Reply

    Hmmm… the marriage issue … every gay Nigerian man is going to be confronted with this issue at some point, the earlier you start to think about how to handle it, the better for you … but make no mistake, as long as you’re Nigerian(even if you live on the moon), its racing towards you – a collision you cant avoid! Some succumb and marry a straight clueless woman ***shudder, i frankly dont know how they do it,unless perhaps you’re more bisexual*** for some reason marrying a lesbian just doesnt seem like the appropriate option, something about it doesnt really click with me ***sigh*** and yes, i touched a vagina a few weeks ago, it gave me goosebumps – the thought of it still does … lol
    @Dennis, we missed you loads hun, biko Nigerians have yet to evolve to the level of accepting single men ooo, am deeply afraid for the physical and emotional health of you and your dogs as you get older, the society just won’t take kindly to it – you already know my views about this …
    @Jboy, kudos for your bravery. ,but th e truth is that they will never back off, the pressure will intensify as you get older and as one by one your contemporaries and eventually younger men start to ‘settle down’ and raise families … think deeply about this …

  16. ScarFace
    December 13, 09:39 Reply

    I am getting married. And it will be to my man. And we will have kids. And my parents will approve. And they will get their joy when my kids says hello over the phone thousands of miles away (i no wan go jail 4 9ja abeg). I love me more. . .

    • Kryxx
      December 13, 10:48 Reply

      Awwwwwwwwwwwww! *batting eyelashes* Pinky is so so lucky! I dont mind being d second wife oh! What do u think Pinky? Nwunye di tinz! U take Monday-Fri nd I take weekends.

      • Dennis Macauley
        December 13, 13:27 Reply

        @scarface chestnut and I still don’t have that champagne we asked for!

        Pink Panther? You too? No ojukokoro marriage here!

  17. kritzmoritz
    December 13, 10:12 Reply

    The fact is, your fears are real, your desires genuine. The realities of your working in Nigeria are real too. And worse, youre in the closet and the first son too. You have the perfect conditions for a bitter , long personal war. And it is not a war that will ever end under these circumstances. I have been on a journey similar to yours. ive been open to and accepted by family for over 25 years. Yet I have not won this war. I know You can’t win by logical premises. The matters of family do not follow logic. Rather the heart. And in your heart are memories and experiences that would shape your decisions. Every option you have explored have inherent flaw. For me, I am getting married soon. I do not know if it is the right action but i do know that at over 40, I want to raise my children too… in my youth , with the right values and conditions and none of the options does it for me

    • s_sensei
      December 13, 14:56 Reply

      Guyz ooooooooooooooo! This right here is the comment of the day! Scary! Is this “our future”?????

  18. Paul
    December 13, 10:30 Reply

    Jst wen u tink all u hv to do is worry abt ur parents alone,Uncles, aunts, family frends and evn str8 frends would add dia own on ds marriage issue.
    Dey all shuld grab a sit and wait,its a Long way to Golgotha.

  19. KryxxX
    December 13, 10:57 Reply

    I know I can’t argue this! Am definitely getting married nd there is nothing I can do about it except using her for rituals after we must have finish having our kids *shudders @ d thought of d sex life*.
    I can’t escape it! Even if I do, my mom’s nagging nd d ones from my elder sisters would definitely draw me out of my hideout! The woman can nag for Africa! Ordinary refusing to get fresh bread from d bakery for her when u r busy gets her nagging nd whining! She can make somebody commit suicide just by her nagging! I can’t deal with that!

  20. desmond
    December 13, 11:35 Reply

    I so identify with what you going through right now cos am actually in the same boat! The pressure is freaking tooo much

  21. desmond
    December 13, 11:44 Reply

    @dennis you are sooooooo wrong!Am the last in my family and we have nothing less than 20 grand children and my mum is still very much on my case.

  22. gad
    December 13, 13:35 Reply

    If not for the genuine concerns I have over our brothers I would have just read this and pass. In the past it was difficult 4 me to comprehend why a guy can’t do girls but from the feelings and fears expressed continuously on this blog I have come to the fearful realization that it’s real. As an African man, the seriousness of this issue cannot be over emphasized. Unlike many of us, I love myself but I love my family more.Owing to this, I will suggest we consider our families, well being as much as ours too. One thought on my mind is telling them that you have health issues(impotent). I’m sure they will leave u alone

    • Dennis Macauley
      December 13, 14:23 Reply

      1. You cannot understand why a man cannot do women?

      2. They should tell their families that they are impotent?

      3. Consider your families above yourself?

      Sometimes you do say funny stuff!

      As I remember max saying once, nobody has ever been killed before for not getting married.

      My solution is not a secret, I have said it before; start setting boundaries, clearly defined lines of demarcation so that family begins to see them clearly!

      Whatever your decision is, make sure it is your choice and not something some made you do! I know too much and have tasted life too much to sacrifice my happiness just to please my family!

      I will become bipolar and become a danger to myself and my family. Me I have said I will come out let me have peace! Whatever happens we take it from there!

      If I am disowned? Well you know what I’d do too! I’d dial absalom and get links to a newspaper to change my surname! DazzAll

      • s_sensei
        December 13, 15:22 Reply

        Dennis, I am afraid you got it wrong. Coming out to your family WILL NOT BRING YOU PEACE. Take it from me. Read the comment by kritzmoritz. In nigeria, its a hopeless situation. The only way is to travel out!!!

        • gad
          December 13, 16:54 Reply

          The whites that the disciples of “damn my family and society” are imitating kept engaging their family through careful means garnished in love but their imitators sadly don’t care about how hurt his family will be so far as he is happy.what happens to the sacrifice of our parents and families for us so we can have good life?A grown man is willing to disown his family just for his sexuality.hmmm.na wao

          • pinkpanthertb
            December 13, 17:01 Reply

            Are you kidding me, gad?! Are you reading the things you are saying at all?!

          • pinkpanthertb
            December 13, 17:13 Reply

            Is your sexuality not a part of who you are? You speak of it as tho it is something you ordered from the supermarket, something trivial that shouldn’t matter in your day to day relationships. Family is important, yes. But at the end of the day, is it family you’re living your life for?
            You’re talking about sacrifice for parents and family. How about let there be a compromise? Who says the odd one in the family should make all the sacrifices? I dissent with Dennis on the issue of disownment but really, when it comes down to the part where your people dont want to accept you for who you are, what else is left?
            The condescension in this your comment is very galling. Really. If you have found fulfilment in living the life of a married gay man, good for you. But dont you dare scoff at someone who doesnt want that. Dont you dare. Otherwise youre no better than the judgmental gay people you often preach against.

            • gad
              December 13, 17:40 Reply

              Nna how have I scoffed @ d unmarried? I can sacrifice my happiness for my family. Its my happiness not yours. my life comprises of so many components.my sexuality is just a part of it. So insignificant when put side by side with my family. Pinky,it amazes me how you want the world to understand and accept you 4 who you are but you have issues with the level of love or sacrifice that someone is willing to give his family.Dont you think it’s my fundamental rights? It’s my love not yours

              • pinkpanthertb
                December 13, 17:46 Reply

                The fact that that’s what you understood from what i said, the fact that all you got is that I’m trying to force my own on you, shows why I’m signing off this thread of commentary with you. Try reading my comment again, this time slowly and perhaps you’ll get my point.
                Perhaps. I’m not holding my breath pending that probability.

          • pinkpanthertb
            December 13, 17:16 Reply

            ‘A grown man is willing to disown his family just for his sexuality.’
            The more i see this comment, the angrier i get. The sheer patronization. The kind of condescending shit you’d expect to hear from an anti-homosexual hetero.

      • gad
        December 13, 16:38 Reply

        It’s like in your haste to attack me you didn’t even bother to read or understand what I wrote b4 reacting. For the avoidance of doubt, I said that B4 that it was difficult for me to understand how a guy couldn’t have feelings for a lady until I was enlightened here. I wonder how that irks u. 2ndly, I love my family more than I do myself.so much so that I can give my life for them.it might sound stupid to you but it’s my love not yours.odikwa egwu

      • Max
        December 13, 18:16 Reply

        Referring to what Gad said about family raising you etc, they were doing their damn job!! Always remember that.. You didn’t give birth to yourself.. They were performing their duty and they owed it to you..parents often make their children think they’re doing them or did them a Favour to raise them…its just plain crazy…

        • gad
          December 13, 18:50 Reply

          Parenting without love is simply child care. Love makes all the difference. Max,was it child care that you received from your parents? Also bear in mind that not all that gave birth to children took care of them

          • pinkpanthertb
            December 13, 19:50 Reply

            And becos parents loved you, it becomes a debt for you to live your life for them? Thats what love has become about? A debt owed?

            • gad
              December 13, 20:07 Reply

              If. You chose to see love as a debt. Its your choice

                • gad
                  December 14, 06:32 Reply

                  When one expects reward for his kind gesture,love is absolutely absent. When an act of kindness is not appreciated,love is certainly far away. Love is selfless. Fools even think that love is foolish because love loves without expecting love. Think on this, dear Pinky

                  • pinkpanthertb
                    December 14, 07:32 Reply

                    You’re making my point for me. And missing the aim of my sarcasm earlier.

                    • gad
                      December 14, 09:57

                      Let me give u a marksmanship principle : the aim must be firm and followed through. You can’t miss if you apply this principle

    • s_sensei
      December 13, 20:29 Reply

      Gad, you are missing a point. In your case, you are obviously bisexual. That is why it was easy for you to make that “sacrifice”. It was probably not much of a sacrifice. But for many who cannot even imagine themselves having sex with a girl, its tough. I see that you are only beginning to understand how it is for some of us, from the comments on this thread. i dont think you really understand what some guys are passing through.

      • gad
        December 13, 21:03 Reply

        Thank God. At least someone is close to understanding what I meant. When I talked about “sacrifice” I never meant that or suggested that gays should marry to please their family. If you check I was responding to Dennis who don’t see loosing his family as a big deal. The level of sacrifice people make for family differs as our faces are different. Some months ago a student of mine was accused of homosexuality and was dismissed. The family all came to show him support. They didn’t desert him. They were not ashamed of him. I kept in touch with the family. Love is it. Love is not selfish. NEVER

    • Dimkpa
      December 14, 09:29 Reply

      Gad, I think you are seriously misguided and I wonder what you do on this blog. You said you can’t understand why a guy can’t do girls, in other words you won’t have a problem with those that can’t understand why a guy would want to do another guy. Those that hold that opinion are the ones that are intolerant, bigots and homophobes and you belong with them. You don’t seem to know the first thing about sexuality, it isn’t a choice and coming here to taut your ‘fearful realisation’ that it is real doesn’t give your biased views any credence. Why is that realisation ‘fearful’? What exactly are you afraid of African man? That a man can exclusively love another man? You know there is a word for that, let me think for a while….. Oh yes, it is homophobia!
      You say African man like it is a badge that should be worn with pride. The world has got up and left you behind. If they could excise Africa like a tumor, I’m sure they would because we are a burden. And it is because we pay attention to the mundane issue of fucking and having children and worshipping beings they brought to us rather than figuring out ways to make our countries better for ourselves and the children we love so much.
      I pity you too because it is obvious you don’t love yourself. No one loves anything more than himself. That’s why even Jesus used it as a standard of love we should show others. Saying you love your family more simply shows you are living with dome form of self loathing. Bending your will to others desire. A time will come when that family, your patents will be no more. Then you will realise you’ve lived for others not yourself. I doubt you will be so smug then.
      I could have just read your rant and passed but like you, I decided to call you out because of the concern I have for you. Stop being sanctimonious and preachy. Those who do usually have something to hide. If you don’t believe me, ask Bill Cosby.

      • gad
        December 14, 10:32 Reply

        There is a level of understanding that confounds the learned and those who think they know.I LOVE MY FAMILY MORE THAN MYSELF. It won’t change no matter how confused or angry it got you. You used Christ words as an example but you forgot His actions. He gave His life for the ones He loves.Now, what does that tell you,oh learned European? You wonder what am doing on this blog just as am wondering what you are still doing in this Africa that you feel is cursed and backward. Its people like you that resign appointments in Nigeria and run abroad to do menial jobs and live as second class citizens. That’s self imposed slavery. I prefer to be a foolish free man than a wise slave

      • Deola
        December 14, 11:51 Reply

        Lol @ Bill Cosby. I cant with you people on this blog. I just cant.

      • Dimkpa
        December 14, 13:22 Reply

        @Gad, Charity begins at home. I repeat you can’t love anyone more than yourself. I am neither angry nor confused at your assertions. What I feel for you is pity because I know this attitude will come crashing down one day. And it will be a bad feeling to know you’ve lived contrary to what you know you want.
        I wonder what you do here because it is obvious you don’t know tge struggle some here go through on these issues and instead if trying to understand you spew inane platitudes that quite rightly tick people off.
        You advise us to marry? Would you let your sister marry any one of us here? And suppose we do that and marry, how do you suggest the marital bed duties are performed? I have heard of stories were some women in such marriages are agonising because their husbands haven’t touched them for months. I know an acquaintance who got married and told me his wife is complaining. Not to talk of the sneaking around with boys that comes with marriage. There is also the moral dilemma of tricking a woman into a lifelong commitment. I have researched this online and read stories of depression in gay men who got married, who said their lives started when the marriages ended. These are the issues we grapole with. I believe you’ve never thought of some of them otherwise you wouldn’t be so cavalier with your statements. In my opinion thr people who agonize over this have integrity, holding themselves to a higher standard above expectations of society or family. Your stance reminds me of people who say they are pro life, make girls have children in their teenage years but then never lift a finger to help those girls or the child after delivery.
        Finally don’t make assumptions about people till you know for sure what you are talking about. Kitodiaries can be read from anywhere in the world it is the worldwide web afterall. And as to your last sentence, All I can say is I’m not surprised.
        Bless you too @Pinky

        • pinkpanthertb
          December 14, 13:43 Reply

          I was too angry yesterday to put the things i wanted to say to gad in words. You, my dear Dimkpa, have said everything so succinctly that emotion rendered me too speechless to say

          • gad
            December 14, 15:29 Reply

            We learn everyday. I just learnt that someone’s opinion can get another human being who has gone through college angry. I wonder how the comments of someone I don’t know should get me upset. Whatever happens to that type of tolerance that comes with exposure and learning.

            • pinkpanthertb
              December 14, 15:52 Reply

              Get over yourself please. This your sanctimonious act has gotten old.

    • s_sensei
      December 14, 22:16 Reply

      Gad, I get you and its true. We are all learning every day. Some may be pissed by what you say. Don’t feel bad. They are just expressing themselves cos its a sensitive issue. See, its not the same for everyone. And no matter how much one love’s his family, that love will not give him a hard on for this wife’s vagina that’s in front of him, waiting to be serviced. Its TOUGH for the exclusive homosexuals.

      • gad
        December 15, 04:21 Reply

        Having come to the realization on how some of us feel,it is definitely wicked and insensitive to suggest that someone who can’t stand the sight of a vagina is forced to marry. Its heart-warming that you understood my point though partly. The writer said he loves himself more and DM went further to reveal how easily he will discard his family.I was alarmed cos we have people bw the ages of 15 and 25 reading this. Young people who are looking for how to handle the confusion that society has created for them due to their sexuality. I went into deep thoughts and realized how I love my family enough to give my life for their happiness. I meant it.Many here also love their families enough to be reasonable on how they handle this.One can pretend to be impotent to put his family off him without hurting them badly.Those who are cut out 4 marriage should so do.Everyone must not marry.There are straight people who never married.There are married people who never had kids.A former speaker of the federal house was forced to get married by that office. A colleague of mine who is straight had to marry to keep an appointment whose tenure is just 2yrs. Pls let’s open up our minds and be objective. Life has so many sides.Its not a one-way traffic

  23. gad
    December 13, 13:45 Reply

    As I was responding to this, a colleague walked into my office. In the course of our chats ,as if he knew what I was reading,he said” a bachelor is not a responsible person” .That is the summary of the African and other societies, view about the unmarried. The option of marrying a Lesbian seems cool on the surface but it has its dangers and risks. A woman is a woman. Friendships can get sour.Now, the question is; when things fall apart between two people in a sham marriage,how much of the secrets will be left secret in a bid to hurt and get even with the other person?

    • kritzmoritz
      December 13, 20:44 Reply

      In all that you’ve said, Gad, I understand you. And you are mostly right. Nobody exists in a vacuum. Like I said, my sexuality has been accepted by my family for a quarter of a century. Yet, the moment I spoke to my mother and said, I was sad because I have no child, she told me, I had just added 10 years to her life. It killed me. The battle between personal happiness and family is a never ending one. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. It can be both. And in my case, we are happy for each to make compromises. I will be married soon. That’s my choice And I have every intention to make it work. It may be deceitful to the lady but believe, deceit is the least my options. I cannot raise a child who will see the mother in the arms of another woman in the day and the father in the arms of another man at night. My child will be raised secured in the identities of each parent and I will be secured in the knowledge that I have a family that will rise for me should the need arise.

      • gad
        December 14, 06:09 Reply

        What is going on between you and your family is real love.Im happy 4 u and even in your proposed marriage, I wish you love and happiness. Its not going to be easy but I assure you, it’s not also going to be as difficult as u have feared.when a gay guy marries a woman,I don’t think it’s deceitful.if you resolve to make ur home a happy one,with God, it will be.There are straight guys who can’t satisfy there wives sexually. Some don’t even touch there wives 4 years.Some women don’t even like sex except romance.I think it all depends on us. Give your best to your wife and she will practically worship you.In the exercise of your sexuality know where to draw the lines.I honestly wish you success.love,happiness and joyful moments of laughter

  24. gad
    December 13, 13:56 Reply

    On a lighter note, let’s push for a legislation that will criminalize any act of forcing,cajoling, suggesting of marriage to another person. ** hides from oncoming missiles**

  25. pinkpanthertb
    December 13, 17:57 Reply

    What is family to start with? Isn’t it supposed to be the unit of unconditional love? When they are not able to do that, then they loose that definition. Gad that is scoffing about the West, right here in Nigeria, in Enugu lives someone I know whose family is well aware he’s gay. His mother speaks of his boyfriends the way she would of the girlfriends of his brothers. They learned he’s gay and they learned to live with it. They accepted him. No one asked him to make sacrifices. They simply accepted him. Why then should anyone denigrate the fellow who won’t bow to pressure to get married? To sacrifice your happiness for a present that may not ensure a fulfilling future.
    People are saying Nigeria is different, Nigeria is different. Its exactly that kind of mentality that will keep Nigeria being different.

    • Unoma
      December 13, 18:50 Reply

      Love this! It’s interesting! And of course lesbians go through the same problem, if not worse. I say worse because a woman has to worry about her biological clock, unlike men whose clocks are timeless, I suppose. Consequently, most naija lesbians get married to straight men. Sad. While I acknowledge that Nigeria has ways to go per gay rights, I still believe that one’s life comes first before anybody else’s life. So, J boy, I admire your bravery. I can’t live my life for anybody else including my parents. My life is mine and i’ll live it as I so please: no apologies.

  26. Anonymous
    December 13, 21:01 Reply

    Who is this Gad of a person, that’ll just come and be causing stomach ache for someone.
    @Gad your thought process is disgusting and mostly annoying.

    • gad
      December 14, 06:23 Reply

      I do not understand how I caused you stomach ache but let me recommend buscupan.just take 2 tablets and you will be okay in minutes.i hope I wont be accused of quackery or encouraging self-medication. I know that my thoughts annoys people especially those who live a lie and believe illusions. I wish I can help but I’m the type of person who says my mind at all times.I don’t patronize people.I don’t tell them what they want to hear. I say it the way I see it.it might be myopic but at least, its better than to pretend that I see far when I don’t.

  27. FromCocoonToButterfly
    December 14, 19:07 Reply

    This write up is so important. A lot of us worry about how to balance our happiness with our family’s approval on the issue of marriage. The options we have in Nigeria are few, and the sad news is none comes without hurtful consequence. However, I am totally against torturing an unsuspecting straight woman. A contractual marriage with a bisexual woman / lesbian? If you can find one who’s just as desperate as you. Apparently they are as rare as a Mami-Water sighting. The only real solution is a long-term one – participate in steering Nigeria and Nigerians closer to lgbt acceptance by participating in your local human rights group efforts.

  28. Legalkoboko
    December 15, 14:33 Reply

    This piece has inspired me on a very personal level. I will say no more about it lest I use a word that cannot capture the exact priceless value I place on it.

    It saddens me, however, that our friend gad’s initial comment has generated a lot of controversy.

    Part of the offending comment reads thus:

    ” Unlike many of us, I
    love myself but I love my family
    more.Owing to this, I will suggest
    we consider our families, well
    being as much as ours too. One
    thought on my mind is telling
    them that you have health issues
    (impotent). I’m sure they will leave
    u alone”.

    I think the above comment could be described as faulty on many grounds to wit:

    (1) It is not logically possible to love something more than you love yourself. Love is about the giving of the self to another. Nemo dat quod non habet: you cannot give what you do not have. It is the measure of love you have FOR YOURSELF that you extend to others, and not otherwise.

    (2) Assuming Mr. gad loves his family more than he loves himself (which I deny anyway ) , can the telling of very clear lies to the said family be an expression of love? I answer that poser in the negative. You don’t tell lies to people you love.
    ” telling them that you have health issues
    (impotent)” means you don’t think they deserve to know the truth, it is not love.

    I can go on and on. But I’ll stop here for now.

    • gad
      December 15, 20:08 Reply

      No matter how you or anybody analyze it, or how impossible it seems to your logical minds, it remains my stand. Maybe,you haven’t seen but I have seen men and women who chose to die that there families may live better lives. Nna, in case it has not crossed your mind, let me inform you that it is wicked to tell someone the truth that will give him cardiac arrest and eventually kill him. Eg; we knew that our grand mum won’t survive the death of her eldest daughter,it was hidden from her till she died years later. We kept telling her she went on course abroad where there are no phones except post offices. Pray, does it mean we don’t love grandma?

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