That Piece About The Shag-fish

That Piece About The Shag-fish

I read the following write-up originally published on sagbachronicles.com, and I laughed so hard, even as I realized afresh that the gay community worldwide is basically just the same, with the same dynamics and plagued by the same afflictions. The non-fictional piece was penned by the Nigerian owner of the blog, keredim. You’d love it as I did, and you’d remember – as I did – your own examples. Do share with us in the comments section when you recall them. 🙂

*

Catfish.  A guy named Nev starts an online relationship with an attractive lady called Megan on Facebook. Feelings begin to develop between Nev and Megan. As a token of affection, Megan sends Nev mp3 song covers, which Nev subsequently discovers are performances from YouTube. This is just one of the many distortions from Megan which Nev discovers that prompts him to seek her out. Nev travels to Michigan from New York to meet Megan and confront her on these irregularities. It turns out when Nev arrives at her front door, she looks nothing like she does on her Facebook page. Nev is devastated.   After unpicking the tangled web of untruths, we discover “Megan” may or may not exist and the real name of the person behind the Facebook page is Angela – or is it? All the drama is filmed on camera by Nev’s brother and his buddy and made into a documentary.  This was aired and it became a critical and commercial success.

Catfish the TV show. On the back of the commercial success of the documentary, MTV commissioned a Catfish TV series. Now Nev, in addition to the original documentary crew, has an MTV film crew, filming him filming other people who have had similar experiences as he had. The general gist is:  Guy meets beautiful girl on Facebook and falls in love almost immediately. Guy and girl are never in the same state in the United States. After about six months, Guy (understandably) wants to meet girl in person. Girl is always too busy to meet. This goes on for months on end and sometimes years. Finally, in desperation Guy sends a message to Nev and Co. They show up with a camera and travel with guy from his state to meet girl in another state. They get to girl’s house. Guy knocks on door.  Door opens, woman who opens door is nothing like the slim beauty with infinite blonde hair on her Facebook profile. Guy is devastated. Nev and Co try to understand the reason for the deception. In other scenarios, the sexes are reversed and sometimes, refreshingly the sexes are the same, but the general common theme is that behind every good-looking Facebook profile is a fat person in reality. maxresdefault

As I watched this mind-numbing drama unfold on TV, it hit me!

Shit!

This happens to me once every fortnight! Sometimes, once a week, depending on how horny I am. This is my life on the gay dating sites! I did not realise it could be a money spinner. I have enough stories for at least five seasons, and each episode would be different.

I cannot count the number of times I have engaged a hot lean muscular guy online only to get to his doorstep and find that he has gained 20kg of fat since the last time we exchanged messages, less than half an hour before. The whole journey starting from the sexy message exchange online, agreeing a hook up time, preparing for the hook up, getting to the hook up’s address and watching the disappointment on my face on meeting the hook up, is definitely worth a TV show.

The first few times it happened to me, I would go inside the guy’s house, make polite conversation, make an excuse and then leave. Then it got to the point when the door would open and I would apologise that I had knocked on the wrong door, because the person at the door looked nothing like the picture on his profile. These days I just turn around and leave without even saying a word.

I distinctly remember once arriving at a hook up’s place and I was so angered by what I saw that I accused him loudly of using someone else’s pictures on his profile and that he was a time-wasting so-and-so. The noise attracted some of his neighbours. I must admit that was not my finest moment, for it transpired he lived with his girlfriend who was away on holiday. Oops!

Sometimes, these unfortunate escapades happen late at night on week days. I think people expect that since I made the effort to leave my place at the time of night and we are both horny, I might as well hop into bed with them. While that may be a legitimate assumption to make, what they fail to realise is that nothing kills being horny like when you anticipate hooking up with a muscular guy with firm pecs, a washboard torso, a narrow waist-line and firm thighs, and then reality kicks you in the nuts when the “reveal” is actually a burger away from being classed as clinically obese, has moobs, a belly like Peter Griffin’s from Family Guy, a 40-inch waist-line and tree trunks for legs.

At least I restrict my trips to within an 8-10 mile radius of where I live in London. I have known guys to travel from London to places as far as Manchester, Birmingham and Dublin for a blind hook-up.

A classic one was when my friend Andy, travelled to Prague on a long weekend, to meet a guy he had been chatting to on line for a few weeks. When Andy arrived, the guy was not too far off from his profile pictures, and since Andy had indeed travelled far, he thought he might as well stay and get used to him and of course see Prague. However on the first night, when Andy refused to fist him (he thinks it’s filthy), his host kicked him out.  Andy did not have enough funds for a hotel room, so he had to stay in a cheap hostel for a couple of nights. The humiliation.  Andy now insists on using Skype before stepping out of the door to meet any shag, even if they are around the corner.

Anyway, if there is any TV producer out there reading this and is looking for the next big mind-numbing TV reality series, please get in touch. I can even throw in a few successful hook-up stories and let you film behind the scenes as we “seal the deal” to spice things up a little. They could be the extra scenes for the DVD box set!

We may have to play around with the TV show title though.

Have your people, call my people.

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59 Comments

  1. IVANKO
    February 26, 04:37 Reply

    Lmao, I understand ur pain.

  2. KryxxX
    February 26, 04:58 Reply

    Lmaoooooooooo!
    Pele!

    The more reason I dont meet up with people! You passionately/intellectually chat online, exchanges pictures nd they get high expectations of you. I dont want to dash anybody’s high expectations biko nd nobody should do me same @ the end. Strictly ONLINE ALONE!

    • trystham
      February 26, 07:49 Reply

      and this also. Your way is much safer but sooo boring. Whats a guy to do o?

  3. Ace
    February 26, 05:16 Reply

    nothing kills being horny like when you anticipate hooking up with a muscular guy with firm pecs, a washboard torso, a narrow waist-line and firm thighs, and then reality kicks you in the nuts when the “reveal” is actually a burger away from being classed as clinically obese, has moobs, a belly like Peter Griffin’s from Family Guy, a 40-inch waist-line and tree trunks for legs.” This line right here killed me! Lol!

  4. Pete
    February 26, 05:22 Reply

    Online hook-ups *shudders*

  5. Chizzie
    February 26, 06:00 Reply

    Irony of the whole thing is most of the folks online whose pics I’m not so impressed w end up being really hot in real life and vice versa…I Generally do not focus on a man’s face when I see his pics…cus most men arent photogenic. I look at his arms…his legs…his hands…shoulders…his height. Anyone with chicken legs will never pass as attractive…so I dont bother w such tops.

    • Lothario
      February 26, 06:27 Reply

      Any pair of legs in particular?……… No specifics?…….Ok! I’ll still turn on the light sha, it just got a Tad cloudy outside

      • pinkpanthertb
        February 26, 06:30 Reply

        Hahahahahahahaa. Lothario shey you won’t leave us in our darkness, ehn?

    • Mercury
      February 26, 06:28 Reply

      And at last I see the shade!!!!, I totally saw what you did der.

  6. Andrevn
    February 26, 06:08 Reply

    Pinkkkkkky!
    Lol
    Am i perceiving some undertones of what transpired between us?
    #Catfish #Facebook

    • A-non
      February 26, 06:16 Reply

      @Andrevn,spill the beans already…getting talking man!

      *grabs popcorn and Orijin in anticipation of an interesting gist*

  7. Dennis Macauley
    February 26, 06:26 Reply

    This happens all the time here! Someone uses their picture from their slimmer days at university on grindr and when you eventually go and see them you find then to be maybe the bleached equivalent of Mr ibu.

    This is why i always ask for your full name eventually and try to do a facebook/instagram search before hand. I dont want no bin bags in my bed

    • A-non
      February 26, 06:32 Reply

      @Dennis,you are able to get a full name from people on gay sites??!! Really??!!

      One day, I hope to stop wearing the assorted designs of Lastma vests I rock!

      • A-non
        February 26, 06:38 Reply

        Yup but have never thought to ask for full names, besides your strategy won’t work with me. My last update on Facebook was sometime in Q1 2012…can’t even remember my pin. As for Instagram,I dome even know what the log in page looks like.

        • pinkpanthertb
          February 26, 06:42 Reply

          How then do you still exist in this modern world? @ Anon. #AskingForMarkZuckerbergsPeaceOfMind

  8. Absalom
    February 26, 06:30 Reply

    I’ve read every article on Sagba Chronicles and Keredim (these names, though) is hilarious.

    To the topic. Well, I can’t say why a person would send you pics radically different from what they look like…

    Personally I find the whole picture-sending thing rather tedious. One asked me to send a “full pic”. I understand the need but I don’t have a ready-made pic like that on my phone (probably never will!); so should I stand up now and go outside and look for a neighbour that will snap my full body for you? Am I applying for a job? Sigh.

    Usually I prefer to meet in a neutral place first, we check each other out and decide if to go ahead with what we have in mind or not. If you don’t like me, say so (by word or body language), I’m not a teenager who will cry into my pillow because a guy rejected me. But even that MO is time-wasting.

    The hookup app will always throw up these surprises. Sometimes we are the surprises (yes, it’s not always real ways the other guy who is “imperfect”.) And the lies will never go away.

    The solution: gay hangouts (clubs, bars etc). Everyone gets to meet everyone live – no lying, no airbrushing. I’ve not been to any one in Naija sha, if they (still) exist.

    • pinkpanthertb
      February 26, 06:33 Reply

      ‘Am I applying for a job?’ LMAO”!! Absie I recall your frustration the other day some dude kept demanding pics and pics from you. Some peeps need different exposures to fish out any shockers they might jam in real life, I guess

    • A-non
      February 26, 06:35 Reply

      *grins from ear to ear*

    • keredim69
      February 26, 09:35 Reply

      Hey Absalom, thanks for stopping by!! :- )

      • Absalom
        February 26, 11:34 Reply

        You’re welcome, Keredim. 🙂

  9. Metrosexual
    February 26, 06:50 Reply

    U didn’t just bring my sexy Peter Griffin to this piece..!!!! ( ˘̶̀˘̯˘̶́)

    *continues reading*

  10. trystham
    February 26, 06:57 Reply

    I guess I’ve always been lucky. I have actually never been lied to. I guess that’s what u get telling ppl upfront who u r…oh wait, that one time I saw a dude who smelled so bad, even in public. For heaven’s sake he cud av said sumtin 🙁 And Nigerians can lie about height…well, they don’t kuku know it b4.

    • Absalom
      February 26, 07:19 Reply

      LOL, Trystham, shut up. I didn’t know my height and weight before 2013. 😛

    • MacArdry
      February 26, 14:17 Reply

      The truth makes one free,no?.You say the truth about yourself,you get same back in return.That’s always been my position

      • pinkpanthertb
        February 26, 15:19 Reply

        Right, becos the universe works that way. Of course if you’re always straight-up in your online hookup dealings, u get straight-up responses. And the world would be a better place. And there’d be no kito situations. Amen.

      • trystham
        February 26, 16:07 Reply

        looooool @ pinky Thats why I said lucky ooo. I no gree sabi where MacArdry gree see im own

      • MacArdry
        February 26, 19:39 Reply

        Never been caught in a kito situation,won’t be.
        Have I been disappointed with some straight-up responses I’ve gotten?.YES.
        But those were only momentary disappointments n I moved on.
        The truth does make free,straight-up honesty still is the best policy.
        @trystham,no such thing as being lucky.I don’t believe in it.Maybe you don’t well know it,but you’ve always bn honest about yourself,even if a bit shallow sometimes n believe me,that’s what got you so far.

  11. #TeamKizito
    February 26, 07:01 Reply

    Hmmm.

    All the subtle and heavy shades some people are throwing.. *ducks.

  12. Gerald
    February 26, 07:36 Reply

    Blind date? I think am a victim too,. Was very disappointed for couple of times so I take caution….

    • Gad
      February 26, 08:28 Reply

      Hmmmm. any thing im yet to know?

  13. Lanre S
    February 26, 07:49 Reply

    Cat fishing is so 1980s. My professionally honed spider senses automatically find and block catfish as soon as they send the 1st message. That’s also why I choose LTRs over random hookups. #AintNobodyGotTimeForThat
    But worse than Catfish, what I worry about is personality. What if the person is going to be an asshole? There are cute assholes. How do I detect from afar? And what do they call anonymous hookups with eventually dissapointing personalities? Bongafish?

  14. Gerald
    February 26, 08:02 Reply

    Trystham sit down, TB’s life is never fully classified without the “Lies” and you are not an exception, so stop fooling yourself “actually never been lied to” hahaha

    • trystham
      February 26, 11:16 Reply

      Good for TBs then. I’m GAY. I don’t tell you all but I mosdef do NOT tell lies. And those are the kinda ppl I attract so speak for yourself my dear. Try relating with older ppl more often. They have more to lose if they lie to u.

    • iamcoy
      February 26, 16:09 Reply

      Pls does TB mean Tony Blair?
      #askingforGad’speaceofmind

  15. Metrosexual
    February 26, 08:10 Reply

    Lol…
    Am average queer man has experienced one catfish situation or the other..
    I don’t want to recall the one that looks like Channing Tatum on twitter, then looks like Quasimodo of Notre Dame in his real pictures. Some of them without the fear of God will keep insisting on seeing you in person, and just when you thought you’ve seen it all… What do u see.. A dungeon dragon.
    *sigh*
    I’m not a fan of revealing all your identity on social media, especially in this side of the world but at some point of acquaintance, there should be some truth telling.
    When one decides to go the whole nine yards with lies, then there’s a problem…

    • A-non
      February 26, 08:19 Reply

      Hunchback of Notre Dam, Poccahuntas, Voltron, Captain Planet, Superwoman, Superted, Inspector Gadget.

      #nostalgia

  16. Gad
    February 26, 08:22 Reply

    Chicken legs and bin bags. lwkmd

    • R.A
      February 27, 04:17 Reply

      Lol you saw it too

  17. Vhar.
    February 26, 08:58 Reply

    In “Let’s discuss…. About the stereotypes we perpetuate (part 3) most of us aired our opinions as to how “Femme” acts irritates most of us when we aren’t in our habitat… And how to put a leash on it.

    The “Catfish” drama is in a way like this.
    I feel most folks that do this don’t love themselves enough to be real about their physical appearance.
    There’s no point for the lies to continue when the lines of acquaintance has been crossed.

    Yes, “we” use fake pictures online to maybe attract “good market” or as cover for real identities but once “we” become good acquaintances, all truths should come into light.

    Some of these things become exhausting and builds distrust in the team.
    If you aren’t up to someone’s expectations and they say so (verbally, “deletion” or body language wise)… Still feel good about yourself all the way.
    It doesn’t make for deceit-spree mission to be underway.

    #iThink.

  18. chestnut
    February 26, 09:15 Reply

    Catfish them…I’ve met my fair share *sigh* I wonder how they do it; I could never have the liver to lie like that when I know the person will meet me eventually. And some of them lie till the very end…even in ur face! I met some dude one time,the picture he used was OBVIOUSLY someone else’s and I told him but dude kept insisting it was him,even when I held the picture up to his face.I mean,it was like showing a pix of kim Kardashian to Morgan Freeman,and him insisting “that’s me…I guess it’s just the picture quality”… Madness!!!

  19. Dennis Macaulay
    February 26, 09:41 Reply

    I agree with lanre, personality worries me more than looks. Some people are so dark and disturbed that you wonder who damaged them. They are never able too love themselves and no matter what you do, they will always remain narcissistic.

    Those are the kind of people i like to avoid and figuring them out aint so hard, just engage them in conversations and you will see their true self.

    • Colossus
      February 26, 10:30 Reply

      A narcissistic person loves himself, I believe those traits go hand in hand.

  20. Colossus
    February 26, 10:32 Reply

    Everybody here has been catfished but nobody has done the catfishing?
    So we all drank from the Adonis pool?

    • Sinnex
      February 26, 11:11 Reply

      I think it is weird to claim another’s picture. Yes, it is normal to use someone’s picture as a profile picture on a gay social network, no one expects you to show your face; but, it is expected that when it gets to the time of sharing pictures, one should share their pictures.

      Some people get mind sha…I have met someone online that shared me pictures of 3 different people, when I confronted him, he insisted that he was the one.

      As for me, i don’t meet anyone without checking them out on facebook oooo. If you want us to meet, then I must check you out on facebook.

      I guess it is only guys that meet up for random hookup that are affected by this.

      • Absalom
        February 26, 11:42 Reply

        How do I know to trust you with my Facebook account? Asking for my FB is a deal breaker, no vex; my profile is too real to dump it in the hands of someone who could be a criminal. We will start from BBM and WhatsApp then – at the Saviour’s appointed time – I can give you my Facebook and my mother’s maiden name.

        #Ha.

        • pinkpanthertb
          February 26, 15:12 Reply

          Hahahahahahahaa. Saviour’s appointed time, huh? When is that, the second coming?

  21. Khaleesi
    February 26, 11:30 Reply

    this is why i dont go near gay hookup sites, the lies and deceit and bullshit is stomach churning. 18 times out of 20 you are almost assured to not get what you see and to not like what you get when you get to see it … Am much more comfortable with meeting via recommendations from friends or organically (naturally), and if both fail … I can always resort to my bathroom where Miss PALMer and lots of soap await me … ***packs hair in a tight bun and saunters off***

    • Deola
      February 26, 15:08 Reply

      Miss PALMer!!! Lol
      Such a mess.

  22. Max
    February 26, 19:21 Reply

    I’m now a late bird here.. Always. Work is such a bitch. **sobs

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