The Confessions Of A Straight Guy

The Confessions Of A Straight Guy

Originally published in alden-tan.com

I was having a conversation with a gay friend of mine sometime back. What I said surprised him.

I told him that I was very okay with a gay guy hitting on me. I told him about the time I followed some friends to a gay bar and there was this older, gay dude hitting on me. He was literally feeling me up. Not all over. No vital parts, but definitely considered too close for comfort to most.

And I was cool with that.

Then I said that I would however be extremely weirded out if a straight dude did the same to me for whatever reason. Maybe he lost a bet, was drunk or that he thought it was a dismissible act of bromance.

This shocked my friend. He said most straight guys wouldn’t feel the same and that I had a high tolerance for gay people.

I understand. Conventionally, if a person is homophobic, he is homophobic. Being somebody who lacks empathy aside, he simply cannot tolerate the idea of another male getting too close to him, especially if it’s physical.

But this is how I see it:

If a gay person fancies me, hits on me and even gets physically close, I take it as flattery. I take it as you think I’m good looking, I’m hot and that I’ve an awesome personality that appeals to both guys and girls.

Even if somebody you hate gives you attention by annoying you, it’s still flattery as he sees the need to take out his insecurities on you. That means to say, he looks up to you. Whoever denies this truth is simply lying to himself.

Also, if a gay guy hits on me, I take it as you behaving normal and I respect that.

If however, a straight guy acts gay, or carries out typical gay actions around and/or on me, it is not normal, and it’s weird.

I repeat. When your own friends aren’t themselves for whatever reason, it is weird. Nothing more, nothing less. Even if it’s a joke, the weirdness is highly amplified because it is out of character and what’s more, if he is homophobic in the first place.

But relax, this isn’t a serious issue, so to speak. I’m not talking about bromance in the locker room or war veterans who say they love each other. I’m referring more to typical guys who like hang out at bars or clubs and then act weird.

And it is these same guys who are always complaining about how they can’t get a girl, always gossiping and bitching about everything, are too homophobic to address real issues, and then call guys like me the weird ones instead.

So why do I prefer to hang out with gay people? Here we go. I apologize in advance if I go overboard with some stereotypes.

There’s too much testosterone in a room filled with straight dudes. Not in the scientific sense of course. To put it bluntly, when a group of straight dudes get together, there’s always an excessive need to overcompensate for one’s lack of “manliness.” This is when straight guys are always talking about girls, referring to them as pussies and thinking that life is all about getting laid, which is super ironic because these guys can’t get girls for shit. And then they call these girls bitches, sluts or whores because they got rejected.

So as such, with more testosterone in the room, the amount of sensitivity and respect for people diminishes. It can be pretty depressing to be in earshot of hypocritical, selfish conversations where a reasonable point of view and a third-party perspective never see the light of the day.

Gay friends listen. They listen. They listen to what you have to say, especially if you’re in need of help. They’re more sensitive to your plight and are willing to give an objective point of view. I’m not ever afraid to talk to my gay friends about deep, personal issues I have because I know they won’t judge me. I don’t talk about them to most straight friends, because even a curt reply like “Lol” annoys me.

Yes. I’m sensitive too. Straight people can be sensitive. Take note of this.

I don’t give a fuck about cars, football or suits – the supposed benchmark of straight masculinity and ideal topics for conversations among straight guys. Call me over-analytical, but I don’t see a point in talking about things you can never get. Why admire how sleek a car is when you aren’t working your ass off to get it? Why talk about football and criticize league players when you’re a fat fuck who can’t even climb to the second floor? Why talk about suits when, oh wait, are we only talking about how cool Harvey is in Suits and you wish to be like him BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL TRYING TO GET LAID?

Gay people know how to have more fun. Fact. Go to a gay bar and you’ll know.

So what’s the big deal?

Perhaps this little rant is my way of representing the “third” voice of sorts: Straight guys who are sensitive and are totally cool with being close with gay guys.

But this is not about us. It never was.

It is and will always be about acceptance for the LGBT community.

It is sad that this is a real issue because it stems from serious allegations. And this article is my way of helping, as I speak for the straight, silent guys out there who shy away from the topic.

This is a call for more acceptance of the LGBT community. Why is it still so hard for gay people to come out to their friends and family? Why are parents kicking out their kids for being gay? Why are people still believing gay is a choice? Add in elements of religion, biology and whatever, and we have a mess. It’s all because of mere intolerance.

Straight people who can’t accept gay people, it’s time to grow the fuck up.

The content of one’s character isn’t based on one’s sexuality. Whether they like dick or pussy, their personality is still very human. They being born that way is just them being born to live the life they’re meant to. You won’t label somebody as “different” if they’re left-handed, will you?

Being gay is not an epidemic. So I like hanging out with gay people. I even go to gay bars to chill sometimes. (Side note: It’s easier to hit on a girl in a gay bar, you macho wannabe losers.) Does that make me gay? Obviously not, but I can see your little smirk. I can see that shocked look on your face as if I caught some disease. This bad idea of being gay being an epidemic stretches far and wide to everyone, gay people even.

It comes down to this. I don’t think anyone talks about this openly enough. It has two sides to it. There’re indeed a ton of straight guys out there who are evolving and yearning towards “gay behavior”, so to speak. You can call them the new age sensitive guy, metrosexual, sensitive guy, cool guy, a new masculinity or whatever. We’re evolving. The only sad part is they’re pretty quiet as it is. Some of these guys are still a little embarrassed to show that they’re sensitive or like to hang out with gay friends, so much so they over compensate in other areas.

But rest assured, they are around and they’re totally in support of gay people and their lifestyle. In fact, I dare say these guys even yearn for a male friend who can comfort them.

On the flip side, there’re also straight guys who’re silently homophobic. They just don’t want to say it. They may be tolerant, but they cannot accept just yet. I know of friends, as good people as they are, who have blurted out, “I’m actually homophobic.” Ask them why and they’re like, “Erm…I don’t know. It’s just weird you know?” And that is pretty fucking sad, especially since they’re unknowingly trying so hard to be like gay people in so many ways.

Example? Some of the gay guys I’ve seen, as they’re very fond of their own looks, work out a lot and have solid bodies. The silent and intolerant straight guys want the same so badly. How ironic that they think that they’ve the right to talk shit and criticize. They may not be jumping gay people to beat them up or kicking them out of their houses, but the fact that this idea is in their head is bad enough. This is why they come up with weak jokes and actually have to ask questions when I say I like to hang out with gay people.

We’re all not so different. Gay, bi, straight, transgender, vegetarian. Whatever. We’re all little insecure creatures. That is the key similarity in everyone. We all have our own confessions. It’s time we stop hiding them. The intolerant ones need thorough education. The silent and sensitive dudes need a little nudge.

Voices for more acceptance of the LGBT are already on the rise. That’s cool. But what would be cooler is if, well, more straight dudes like me are willing to be more open. No more weak jokes, no more awkward laughter, no more open-mouth, wide-eyed expressions and no more labels.

Just open confessions. That’s cool.

And it’ll be beautiful.

*

Preach, brother! PREACH! 😀

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34 Comments

  1. Rapu'm
    September 27, 06:10 Reply

    Lol. I was also going to say “Preachbrother” but Pinky beat me to it.

    Anyway, yes, we’re evolving. There are a lot of straight guys who are accepting, even in this country, who all they need to stop using homophobic slurs is a gay friend to come out to them. Break the silence dudes, and come into society.
    But I’m often guilty of wide suspicions, forgive me lord. When a straight friend goes, “So you’re the ‘girl’ in the relationship, you like the sex? Does it hurt?” I begin to suspect, especially when they respond to my naughty talk the same way they respond to a guy talking about his girl. But not so much anymore, the suspicion. It’s liberating. But the homophobes are still many, but with time, and effort. Love does it all dudes.

    • Mitch
      December 21, 20:33 Reply

      Rapu’m, you just have to be careful whom you come out to because some straight people may seem to accept you at first, then go spreading your tales around. Like my friend would say “They’ll open your nyash like bread and line it with butter”.
      So, just be careful *sips a mug of hot chocolate*

  2. Deola
    September 27, 06:17 Reply

    We are all insecure creatures, and that is the key similarity in everyone.
    THIS!!!!!

  3. syickysly
    September 27, 06:41 Reply

    A rare breed human being with a lot of sense.

    *joins Lothario in d standing ovation n claps palms very noisily*

  4. Micky
    September 27, 06:51 Reply

    This article brought lots of smiles and tears to my face at the same time. It hits all the right spots. 2 days ago, me and my sister went to visit some mutual friends. All straight guys and girls (or so I think). And the dreaded gay and lesbian topic came up. My sister said she actually likes gay guys and they all descended on her. Then another guy who is my “supposed” closest friend amongst the lots, said he would give anything to watch 2 lesbians get their freaks on but he would kill any gay he comes across. I was stunned. He then narrated how a gay dude in my street (who was so lost in my gaydar) was hitting on him and how he showed him hell. I was sick. I couldn’t say a word. I mean how could I? They were all screaming “14 YEARS”. My sister turned to me and said we should leave. I just can’t deal with the level of ignorance and hypocrisy in this country.

    • Rapu'm
      September 27, 07:24 Reply

      At least you have one sensible person in the person of your sister. So don’t let the other haters get to you bro.

    • Legalkoboko
      September 27, 08:26 Reply

      I’m surprised you still get stunned with all that 14 years ranting shit. So you didn’t give them a good tongue lashing before leaving? *bites his forefinger*

    • king
      September 27, 12:01 Reply

      Wow! What an experience!!!

  5. trystham
    September 27, 07:04 Reply

    Glory!!!
    I like the 9th paragraph best. Worth being written on a stick note n pasted over my reading table.
    Though really??? Are there ppl like this??? My 1st thot was “closet gay with enuff denial to last eternity”. I really need a mind reform

    • chestnut
      September 27, 07:19 Reply

      Lol…I get where u’re coming from sha; d writer seems not to like ANY of the things straight guys typically like (sports, cars, sports-cars, talking about chicks etc)…maybe those stereotypes just don’t apply to him…(I’ve never met a straight guy who is like him tho…)

      • pinkpanthertb
        September 27, 07:22 Reply

        I have. And for the longest time, I thought he was a closeted gay. Even made the mistake of hitting on him. He coolly set me straight (no pun intended. lol) And we remained friends

      • chestnut
        September 27, 07:33 Reply

        Oh wait pinky, he’s a nigerian? I thot this was from a foreign blog o! I’d find him confusing sha; he more or less implied that he wouldn’t mind being carressed by a guy(maybe even behind closed doors),as long as d guy is not straight. Surely,someone like him wouldn’t mind a, “innocent” full-body massage on a day wen he’s really stressed and aching,no? Hehehe

      • Dennis Macauley
        September 27, 08:27 Reply

        They exist oo!
        One is my office that wears white diamonds, uses way more product than even I can identify.
        I had hit on one other guy like that too. He campaigned vigorously against the anti gay law on twitter. This guy de mystified masculinity. I hit on him and he politely set me straight (to steal PP words)

      • chestnut
        September 27, 09:57 Reply

        Yea dennis, I understand d metrosexual guy who uses facial scrubs and hair conditioners and floral perfumes…but a straight guy who doesn’t like sports and cars and talking about chicks? Not very common…they may exist,but I’ve never met one. Like I said below,someone who is still not accepting of his sexuality CAN turn down a million gay guys,because they feel if they don’t practise,then they’re not gay (I know,because I’ve been there b4). Just because a guy turns down ur advances doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what he secretly feels (but tries to fight) inside.

      • Absalom
        September 27, 10:18 Reply

        ChestNUT – as enunciated – I sometimes think straight guys who don’t like sports or talking about girls all day abound more than metrosexuals who don’t secretly fantasise about a bulging male crotch. I’d hate to generalise wihtout stats though.

        I used to be self-conscious about admitting to other guys that I didn’t like sports until I observed that we are MANY like that and not all gay.

        PS: My former roommate in school was effeminate but if you see him arguing football here, it’s quite a scene.

  6. JArch
    September 27, 08:17 Reply

    “Why talk about football and criticize league players when you’re a fat fuck who can’t even climb to the second floor?”

    Someone PLEEEEAAAASSSEEE give this guy a Noble Prize or something. Good lord, that statement alone does it for me. Spoken like a true BRO without all the drama and bs that accompanies the Bro-code (Highly overrated if you ask me)

    Ps: Whoever knows him, please do tell him his next blowjob is on me- Even though he’s straight, but the offer still stands with no expiry date.

  7. john
    September 27, 08:18 Reply

    I want to be his frd..

  8. maxonex
    September 27, 08:31 Reply

    “there’s always an excessive need to overcompensate for one’s lack of “manliness.”… This got me…I’ve been in such situations countless number of times including a week ago…Excessive pussy talk…
    I have a friend like the writer above..In the beginning I suspected he was because he’s cute as fuck and is sensitive.. Even buys me stuff while coming to visit…But I never hit on him…Came out to him last year and he laughed and said he has always known…We laughed over it and never spoke of it again.

    • chestnut
      September 27, 09:50 Reply

      I’m sorry but I’m just cynical about these kind of guys sometimes because even tho inside me,I knew I was gay quite early, I thot I could use mind-over-matter to make it “unreal”; I used to tell myself “it’s just my mind playing tricks on me,afterall,I’ve never actually “done” it”(I guess that’s why I came out late). I even had a frnd who told me he was gay but I refused to verbalize my own sexuality or even accept it to myself (since I had never practised it); I just told him I didn’t have a problem with him being gay,and we left it I that,so I probably came across to him as d sensitive straight guy who was tolerant of gays. Many ppl are still like this,u know; they believe since they have no intentions of ever physically practising d secret thoughts they feel inside,then they are NOT gay.

  9. daniel
    September 27, 09:59 Reply

    I kinda feel like straight guys who have no issues with gay people can be tempted into doing gay stuffs, I mean, u don’t need to be gay to sleep with another man..

  10. king
    September 27, 12:14 Reply

    “”If a gay person fancies me, hits on me and even gets physically close, I take it as flattery. I take it as you think I’m good looking, I’m hot and that I’ve an awesome personality that appeals to both guys and girls””….
    …Wow wow wow…now I know why I had been getting quite enuf success in the conversion business sometime ago….Before i used to love to meet a guy the straighter the better and plan on hitting him to sleep with him just for the fun of it or to tell myself I could always pass as str8t!!! And i mostly succeeded cause of the above phrase…..i would just pour out accolades so much on d dude that he would crave for more attention from me and bam! I get him in the sack!!! Sigh!!! Now those were the good old days when kito demons hadn’t been unleashed on the earth as it is now!!!
    Well done guy and pinky pls invite this guy to abuja one of these days let me buy him a beer or two!!! Hehhee

  11. gad
    September 27, 12:48 Reply

    I hate falsehood even when it’s in my favor. Many conclusions here are untrue.stereotypes are false conclusions. My bf is a professional footballer and a btm 4 that matter.this piece is like a politician,s presentation.they just say anything especially if it’s what the people want to hear or if it will appeal to the people.i commend the writer for his maturity and accommodation but he doesn’t need to use false generalisations.My prayer is that God will also accept you and bless you on all sides for your tolerance.

  12. enigmous
    September 27, 12:57 Reply

    Well said, well written…I couldn’t agree more. God bless you writer, whoever and wherever you are. Yes, there are straight guys who are not gays but are very tolerant of our ways. It doesn’t make them less-straight or half-gays, and am privileged to know two of them. They are all I could want in friendship, you tell them your flaws expecting them to judge or reproach you and they just smile, pat your shoulder and tell you everything will turn out good. And you would never see them arguing about the stereotypes that describe straight people, but they are more straight than those who do.

    • chestnut
      September 27, 14:44 Reply

      U got me at “…there are straight guys who are not gay…” Lol (just let that sink in for a minute)

      • King
        September 28, 05:10 Reply

        Chestnut dear are we throwing red colours of shades here…hmm I Wonder!

  13. #TeamKizito
    September 27, 13:42 Reply

    “Btm for that matter” He’s less than a man, shey?

  14. s_sensei
    September 27, 20:45 Reply

    I love this piece! The writer so eloquently expressed many internal “itches” I have been having without knowing exactly how to properly word them. Guys can be so fake, incessantly attempting to out do each other when it comes to girls, cars, beer etc. But gays CAN be fake too. I just want a free world. A world where people can like what they really want to like without being afriad. I would like to be your friend, dear writer.

  15. evans
    September 28, 07:01 Reply

    Are Ÿ̲̣̣̣̥ø̲̣̣̥u sure dis guy doesn’t have 40percent female hormones i̶̲̥̅̊n him? Cos if others outside are like ds….. Mehn! Ds world would be ɑ̤̥̈̊ nice one! Thanks bro for making us Ƒ̲̅ε̲ε̲ƪ better!

  16. Alden Tan
    September 29, 12:09 Reply

    Thank you so much first of all to Pink for posting this.

    And thanks to the rest for your comments. I didn’t think there’d be so much discussion here!

    Just wanted to say I’m really happy to know my article has hit a nerve in a good way in y’all. Without going too deep, yep, I think there’re a lot of straight guys like me around. They’re just lurking and being way too quiet.

    Cheers!

    • pinkpanthertb
      September 29, 12:17 Reply

      Oh wow. Thanks Alden Tan, for making an appearance here. 🙂 Your piece is truly a source of inspiration and hope.

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